This Week in Milford

May 19, 2020

G-G-Gil Is Truly Inspiring To Our G-G-Generation.

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Walking and Talking — tdrewhardin @ 12:31 pm

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With “Boris The Spider” blaring over the intercom at Mudlark Softball practice

“Put the tailgate down!!!!!!!!! That’s the 3rd grounder that’s left the infield!!!!!!!!!!”

Way to take destiny by the throat, Mimi.

 

At WDIG-TV Studio where The Smothers Brothers Hour is being broadcast

“Yeah, I really love these guys. I saw them perform at The Bucket and I called Dick immediately and told him we had to have them on the show. Keith smashing his drum kit into the Bucket Ice Cream dispenser did it for me. And they call themselves The Who. Like ‘Who is Gil?’ Yeah, nice ring to it. So anyway, let’s meet the members of the band. So what’s your name?”

“Mike.”

“Mike? So where you from, Mike?”

“Milford.”

“Right here in Milford-”

“No, Milford, England.”

Audience canned laughter

“Gee, I didn’t know there were Mudlarks on the other side of The Pond. Does the softball team sit on their asses in the Land of Poets too? (Audience canned laughter) So, Mike, I like how you do those guitar twirls when you went into a tornado at The Bucket on ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’. You about swept the pickles off of Gil’s Bucket Chicken Cacciatore Sandwich. Man, how do you do that?”

“That was bowling. I picked up a lot of ten pins at Milford Lanes and learned ‘I Can’t Explain’ simultaneously. Midnight League Bumper Bowling Champs and I could recite ‘Sister Disco’ on my guitar in my sleep.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

Audience canned laughter

“Plus, I ate a lot of Honeycomb. I mixed that in with Mudlark Wild Cherry Protein Bars and some Tropicana and we tore up the town of Leeds. Naturally, that was after we got banned from the Holiday Inn at New Thayer.”

“Gee, if I ate Lucky Charms and T-bone steak and a tub of Bob Evans Mashed Potatoes that I threw in the microwave, I guess I’d have the urge and energy to drive a Cadillac into Milford Marriott Town Suites pool too.”

Audience canned laughter

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Keith Moon Plunges His Chrysler New Yorker Into Milford High School Natatorium!!!!!!! Valley Conference Swimming Meet Rescheduled For June 15th!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford District Board postpones hearing with The Mayor and his attorneys to assess damage.”

 

And did you ever notice whenever we go out the in door that Mrs. Kravitz’s house is always across the street/next door with a lattice work separating the yards/behind the Gteen Giant Frozen Vegatable Section Cauliflower bushes? Thorpiverse has a way of transplanting modulars based upon the mood of the plot.

Right now, in his character you understand, as The Mayor positing that all real estate appraisers drive a pickle wagon, Mrs. Kravitz must be having a field day snooping out the window.

“Abner!! Abner!!!! There’s Gil. I wonder what he’s going to do with The Mayor.”

“Gladys, relax. I’ll bet Gil will tell him what a horse’s butt he’s been. Or maybe that’ll work the other way around.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure. I heard the Milford Police report that there was a child molester on the loose. Someone with idle time on his hands. Eyewitnesses said he liked to hang out on the verandah and drink Falls City and indulge in his jock itch when he wasn’t plugging his wife. Out in public? And I’ve always wondered what Gil does when he’s not non-coaching. And when he adjusted his jock strap before he rang the doorbell, that just aroused my suspicions.”

“Whatever. Did you ever call the Milford Tree Service people? We need to worry more about that tree in the backyard getting trimmed so it don’t wind up in Mr. Wilson’s backyard before we worry about the pimples on Gil’s butt.”

 

Coach Kaz catching Gil in the hallway, beset with a question

“Gil, there’s an ugly rumor floating around that says you can coach.”

Audience canned laughter

 

I am sad to report the death of Fred Willard. The man was simply hilarious. As Jerry Hubbard on Fernwood 2 Night and later, America 2 Night, plus in excellent roles on Modern Family and Best in Show, he had a way with the funnybone. He influenced a lot of people and I promise you he will leave a legacy. He proved you could laugh and stay true to yourself as he was a solid person off the screen. RIP, Mr. Willard.

 

Blasting “Face Dances” from Dr. Pearl’s office, Ms. Rizk knocks on the door, then barges in when Dr. Pearl is heard singing

EVERYONE CALLS ME THE QUIET ONE, I DO REPORTS BUT YOU CAN’T GET THROUGH ME

“Uhhhhh, here’s The Mayor’s test grades that you requested.”

“Thank you. Just put them next to the stack that says Behavior Trends Report-Mike Knappe(2019). Ms. Rizk, I never knew John Entwistle wrote songs.”

“You learn something new every day. Well, I’ll see you at the District Board meeting.”

 

“So now we come over to the singer and boy, I understand he can belt it out when he’s not erecting stupid billboards. So tell me, what is your name?”

“Bobby.”

“And where you from?”

“Oz.”

Audience canned laughter

“You certainly made a jackass out of yourself on the Marty Moon Show on your way to see The Wizard.”

“When The Wizard wasn’t coaching anymore, I was willing to take my chances. And he looked just as pitiful on that big screen he was screaming SILENCE out of as he was calling the give-and-go.”

“Yeah, I can relate. I called Dick a pantywaist on Moon’s show and said my mom always liked him better and could coach better than Mimi. I got suspended for a week by the FCC so we’re in good company.”

Audience canned laughter

 

And it’s time to play “Guess The Scenery”. This is one Wink Martindale bypassed to host “Are You Smarter Than a Mudlark?”.

Thorpiverse would have you believe that this is nouveau-riche piece of construction and the window is merely adding to the aesthetic value, given its geometry and design. But Thorpiverse likes to also play “six of one, half-dozen of the other”. Therefore, they could be looking out the widespread opening of the Milford Detention Center and their son is being carted off in a bus towards Shawshank. Oh, and Gil is inspiring, boy, I’D be warmed to the gills on that footnote when I’m riding in the back of the bus to avoid the triple-lifers and armed and dangerous and the post office top ten list that are all riding up front. Keep your chin up and play nobody’s fool. And we’ll keep trying to call Hadley V. I’m already reassured. Remind me to call Gil to take his collection of Guideposts whenever I am shipped to the Milford Pen.

But hey, Gil’s big in Japan.

 

People trying to understand this p-p-plot

Not clear if either Gil or The Mayor should be s-s-shot

They should apologize for this c-c-consternation

Gil is nondescript for this g-g-generation

 

If ya show up on The Smothers Brothers because ya wanna see The Who trash the stage ta remind ya what the inside of yore home looks like at Milford Trailer Park and yore willin’ a give Loony Moonie yore fishin’ rod ta smash in a couple more amplifiers, ya might be a redneck.

 

Isn’t that just romantic? Mr. and Mrs. Knappe watching their son and Gil ride off into the sunset to inject hope into this plot. Brings a tear to my eye. Just like Todd Rundgren says, we need just one victory and we’re on our way. Food for thought in P2 as they go back to their living unit at Milford Miminum Security for Married Couples. Living for the moment.

 

DRUGS AND SEX AND BOOZE DON’T IMPRESS MY MAN AT ALL

…PLAYING RECORDS

PLAYING RECORDS…

“Dr. Pearl, the cafeteria lady wanted to know if you wanted cream in your coffee?”

“No, I always drink it black. Do you need another hall pass?”

 

Why don’t this all f-f-fade away

Not try to rise another d-d-day

This leaves the readers out in the c-c-cold

Hope it dies before it gets old

 

I always love the Kansas’ “Song For America refrain” sunsets like we’re seeing in P3. I’m almost confident this wouldn’t be the time Gil and Mimi appear on Divorce Court. And when The Mayor was in his pity party until the doorbell rang, did anyone really expect the Avon lady? Jehovah’s Witness? That’ll win the case at the District Board fer sure, flash the latest issue of Watchtower to show all concerned that this convicted felon who butters his sourdough bread with Chiffon has cleaned up his record. He’s got my vote.

No, anytime Gil appears at the doorway with the Moody Blues’ Sur la Mer album background, he and The Mayor aren’t taking Muench’s car down to Milford Grease Monkey for an oil change. Not too many conversations that accuse the other party of being an idiot will likely lead to discussions on replacing the wiper blades. This is heart-to-heart-talk time.

“…AND I’M TIRED OF YOUR PISS-POOR ATTITUDE!!!!!! IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GROW UP AND BE A MAN!!!!!!! BTW, how’s about me and you hitting Milford Lounge? I heard Happy Hour is serving some delicious clam appetizers.”

 

“And over here we have COACH SHAW???? What happened to Entwistle????”

“He couldn’t make it. He’s on the District Board and the meeting’s tonight.”

 

…not trying to cause a b-b-big sensation

Talkin’ ’bout G-G-Gil’s g-g-generation

 

“And we’ll be back for more of The Kids Are Alright, a documentary about the Mudlark Baseball team, after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Y’know, kicking a player in the ass never is easy. It flares up the corns in my toes and is a downer to the player. And sometimes moralizing and giving heartfelt sermonettes work up a thirst and Gatorade won’t cut it.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for the Milford Beverage Warehouse. I hate to have to go over to somebody’s house and call him a wussy. I’d rather sell Girl Scout Cookies. That’s why I always have a place to unwind and buy my favorite liquors so that I can ease the strain from breaking it to a guy that he isn’t mentally tough enough to block home plate.

And they won’t block these specials. How ’bout a 30-Pack of Bud Light in the 12-oz. cans for a ridiculously low $20.49? After having to inform The Mayor that he’s going to have to have a lethal injection, a Bud in my hand while Mimi is sitting on my lap on the chaise lounge helps wipe away the memory.

And if that isn’t strong enough to keep your stomach from churning, then Smirnoff Vodka 1.75 L for a generous $19.99 is just the ticket. It’ll come in handy when I’m downing a shot glass or two in the parking lot before the District Board meeting.  Throw in a chaser and pleading the case for The Mayor at the Open-Mike session will make me Clarence Darrow anytime. The deciding factor in the Scopes Trial, I’m led to believe.

And some of you wine-and-cheese people who like to go to Milford City Park after the proceedings and discuss the finer points of the law and not give a hoot whether The Mayor gets reinstated will enjoy Liberty Creek Merlot in the 750 Ml bottles for a bargain, only $7.99. Enjoying conversation at the expense of someone getting shipped to reform school couldn’t be cheaper.

Hey, don’t take my word for it. When you get tired of holding somebody’s hand because he’s a mama’s boy who didn’t get out of the playpen, come on down and check out the deals and the booze. Put away Our Daily Bread and enjoy The Good Life here at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Thanks, Gang, for all you are. I still think Entwistle plays a better bass than Coach Shaw but that’s one man’s opinion. Definitely can’t hold his jock on “Magic Bus.” Play one note for 8 minutes? Stick to cameo coaching, Shaw.

 

“And on the drums we have, what is your name?”

“Keith.”

“Keith?”

“That’s right. My friends call me Keith. You can call me Gil.”

Audience canned laughter

I just as soon call you a cab.”

Double audience canned laughter

 

A Milford Luxury Furniture box truck sinks to the bottom of the Thorp’s sun deck swimming pool

“Gil, has Keith been in our back yard again?”

8 Comments »

  1. “Gil can be inspiring”? Have any of these parents ever even heard the man talk? That’s a serious question – mom and dad never hear the pre-game talks. I remember my daughter’s high school coach. That guy could have talked like Winston Churchill, and I wouldn’t have known.

    Comment by Philip — May 19, 2020 @ 1:10 pm

  2. p 4: “….don’t get mad…..get even….this is what we can do to Pearl…I have some emails that we can use to blackmail her for misappropriation of funds….you will be back in office and back on the team by Friday once we show them to her…annnd…just for shits and giggles, we will make her go on Moon’s show to kiss ass and apologize to you and your family…how does that sound?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — May 19, 2020 @ 1:20 pm

  3. After standing there the whole time like a dolt while old lady Pearl read from the district hand(job)book, I have no idea what this donkey dick Gil could have up his sleeve. The idiot speech should have been delivered a long time ago. Not while the kid is moping after being expelled from school for bringing a butter knife. WB is annoying as hell but he missed his junior season due to injury and now is missing the rest of senior and high school career due to BS district rule. Any 17-18 kid would be pissy. I don’t blame him. Any thing Gil would say to WB should have been said to Pearl. What a candy ass, pud, weasel, brownie hound this pussy Gil is! “Fuck you and your selfish advice! You never been loyal to the same thing twice!”
    From the song Business by Biohazard, my friends.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 19, 2020 @ 2:05 pm

  4. Mike’s parents are funny af and must be hittin’ the martini bar early by the way they say ‘gil is inspiring’

    Comment by franku2016 — May 19, 2020 @ 2:54 pm

  5. Everything we’ve ever said about Gil, today’s strip said it better.

    Comment by Downpuppy, RFD (@Downpuppy) — May 19, 2020 @ 7:26 pm

  6. It’s funny because nobody has discussed the utter douchebaggery of carrying around a seven course meal with soup and salad in his backpack for every class…

    Do you want the red Gatorade or the white with your pureed slurry, Mister Mayor?

    Comment by Hitorque — May 19, 2020 @ 10:53 pm

  7. Gang, You did it again. A lot of spicy discussion and that made for a very successful post. I’ll keep saying it, you’re not just throwing words out there. Excellent input that got a lot of people thinking. It’s called Free Speech and Democracy.

    God bless you, Gang. You really make my world a better place to live.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 20, 2020 @ 5:55 pm

  8. […] to hang out and watch his old schoolmates play ball? That world is behind him; even his ex-coach called him an idiot for even thinking about trying to recapture it.  So unless the ex-Mayor is plotting some kind of […]

    Pingback by A Sort of Homecoming | This Week in Milford — May 27, 2020 @ 10:24 am


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