This Week in Milford

June 4, 2020

Daddy Played First, Mama Played Second, Needed A Third Baseman To Join Right In There.

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Pointy Fingers, Valley Modified — tdrewhardin @ 12:44 pm

060420bI would like to remember George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. For whatever charges were levied against them, they did have a right to expect the police to take the high road. Any public official who stoops to the level of its constituents deserves to be terminated. As Father Brown said once in the Father Brown Mysteries, equal law or equal lawlessness.

To the looters out there, shame on you. You are using controversy to promote your own ends in the name of Breonna and George. Now I can’t shop at the Walgreen’s down the street. YOU can’t either. Perhaps something you should think about when you take matters in your own hands.

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

 

I remember when I was a ‘Lark

When I played good and things weren’t stark

That there’s a silver linin’ behind this plot

Just a Nutrament-chuggin’ teen

Tryin’ to grow strong with soy protein

Now I’m assemblin’ ragtag team at the weedy sandlot

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

One of these days and it won’t be long

I’ll stick Dr. Pearl for all these wrongs

I’m gonna join that Mudlark team at The Throne

 

And the infield

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman

To join right in there

In the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s start our own team. Based on Ardis’ exploding eyeball, he seems to buy into the concept.

And why shouldn’t he? All you have to do is go to Milford Sporting Goods and order, say, 40 uniforms, 40 gloves (make sure some can fit those Valley Rejects that are left-handed) , 2 catcher’s mitts (in case Gil forgot to bring his and you need to loan one to your former teammates) , 15 bats at $100 a bat (I’m sure Valley Rejects have parents that can write a check and never miss it) , bag to PUT the bats in, 40 batting helmets, equipment bags, storage shed FOR the equipment bags (you just gonna leave them in The Mayor’s garage?) , 40 pairs of cleats and 40 pairs of non-steel cleats (in case some overly picky groundskeeper disallows steel cleats on his carpet) , 40 cups so that no Valley Reject loses his family jewels off of a Mudlark batter’s vicious line drive, and some mouth guards. Oh, that might be extra. You can always get those at Milford Apothecary since they are at a discount because they’re sold in bulk.

And then you got to find a field, A GOOD ONE, not those we used to play at that had 2 × 4’s with nails sticking out of them strewn all over the ground, get umpires lined up, get one of the Valley Rejects to hand them a pen to sign the contract, get a grounds crew to line the field, I’m sure Luhm will work cheap if he can slide it by the Teamsters Union.

The only thing left is the insurance. Surely one of the Valley Rejects has a dad who’s an agent. Or we can get Chet Ballard to work pro bono to make up for his horse’s ass performance many months ago.

Looks like we have all our ducks in a row. Piece of cake.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Gets Looted To Protest Coach Thorp Not Getting Read His Rights On DUI Charges!!!!!!!!!!!! Millions Expected In Damages, According To Insurance Claims Agent Chet Ballard!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Owner: They left the banana split mixer alone, thank God. Did you ever try to handle the Sunday evening crowd when they leave the church services?”

 

And that is either a sweet potato that’s been greased in Crisco growing out of The Mayor’s hand, straight from an Idaho tuber farm or he is giving the thumbs up to this precarious venture. Personally, I would get on with my life and learn from the injustice flung at him (speaking from experience) but if he’s going to be beating the bushes of Valley Second Hand Shoppe, he really needs to get BASEBALL players. I thought Ardis Carhee played basketball. Not that he can’t play baseball but let’s not throw assumptions around the hallway like table knives. Just because Dr. Pearl looks like Granny Clampett doesn’t mean she suffers from rotted-out teeth nor eats possum gizzards simmered in chicken broth. No jumping to conclusions that she eats her Wheaties and chitlins straight out of the cereal bowl with no spoon. Not that it would surprise me but let’s give it the old college try before answering in the affirmative.

 

Heard at The Bucket last week

“This Bucket Crab Gizzard and Jowl Bacon Plate could use a little more salt.”

 

If ya go recruitin’ round the fact’ry fer some guys ta be on yore fishin’ team after the Game Warden disqualified yore teammates at the Mudlark Lake Fishing Tournament Shoot-out cuz they used thar rod ‘n’ reel ta git more beer outta somebody’s cooler, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now I remember after the game

Gil would cuss us out by name

And you could hear all of bitchin’ for a country mile

Phoebe and Alexa have done gone on

Muench’s car is repo’d and pawned

But I’m getting together a new team by the break of dawn

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to jump right in there

 

One of these games and it won’t be long

We’ll lace our cleats and be 9-man strong

I’m gonna join the Rejects at Home Plate in the Skyyyyyyyy

 

And team unity

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman to join us there in the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

And this recruiting campaign is getting off to a roaring start. Some guy whose waistline indicates he has not missed lunch when the Valley Alternative cafeteria unlocks its doors and displaying the railroad spikes he hocked off the Milford & Oakwood rail and hammered in his hair and Mr. Ponytail (assume for argument’s sake it isn’t Mrs. Ponytail) . Now several players have played Major League Baseball and have worn long hair. Randy Johnson and Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams come to mind.

But why do I have a strong suspicion that The Mayor is simply grabbing at bodies at Valley Consignment just to pontificate to his ex-teammates that he can field a team. I remember a friend of mine who was a part of the Vietnam era who pointed out that if you could crawl, you were drafted. That about seems the case here. That’ll help when you slide into second where Mama is ready to apply the tag.

Really, Mayor, don’t just get guys on your team just because they have two arms, two legs, and sport a significant other between their legs. That’s not fair to amputees or bisexuals. I’d be put out if I was a quadriplegic and I was not recruited to play catcher. Whoops, I’m sorry, Railroad Iron Head already has that position. Anybody who eats Twinkies for appetizers ought to be able to block the plate, no question.

And as long as you’re talking to Ginger Baker in P2, would you tell him that Jack Bruce called again? Says that Clapton wants to do a remake on “White Room”.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn to the rescue once again to bring sanity to insanity. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought The Mayor was recruiting her to ____________________.”

 

Is that inside the lampshade or is the lampshade turned inside out to get rid of all the lint?

Well, we have more on our plate than to prove that inverted lampshades in Schuring’s living room with sides that are congruent to the corresponding sides of the inverted lampshades in the den are congruent to each other. The Mayor is talking smack and the only thing missing from this Public Service Announcement/”Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” background music is the expected poster that’ll get nailed on every utility pole in Milford

 

This Saturday at the Milford Gardens

The Mayor of Second Chances

vs

Tom “The Gil-Slayer” Muench

Mudlark Cage Match

w/Texas Tornado Rules

One fall, no time limit, no DQ

Loser leaves Milford High School

7:30PM Bell Time

Tickets available at all Milford Apothecary outlets and Ticketmaster locations

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The Mayor might not need Railroad Iron Head for a tag partner even though the latter has a Dusty Rhoads “The American Dream” beer gut and might prove useful in the “Iowa Death Match” next month. We’ll see what happens.

 

And what in the name of railroad irons is that thing in that bunch of Chiquita bananas that Chris designates as his right hand? I ruled out abacus because I assume he has a calculator on the coffee table upon which lies the M.C. Escher lamp. It’s too small to be that mechanism that makes all those farm animal noises when you pull the string and I’m confident that if Chris is up to the challenge vis-a-vis The Mayor’s trash talk, that he is too old to be listening to “The cow goes MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. It COULD be some kind of CD player albeit I really can’t imagine “Rewind” being across the panel and at a slight acute angle with “Pause”. Folks, I think we have a dead ringer for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Wait, it’s part of the Close ‘n’ Play apparatus he bought at Milford Toys ‘R’ Us. I’m not giving up on this one.

 

“And we’ll be back with the starting line-ups between the Milford Mudlarks and the Valley Alternative Recyclables after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Golly, gee, that ought to be an exciting game between my boys and those troublemakers in “Ernest Goes to Camp”, I mean, Valley Alternative. That’s about the only good news around here.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and when Milford Beverage Warehouse got looted because some cowards thought that the judge laid the hammer on yours truly with 100 hours of community service after being convicted of failing the sobriety test, it really turned my stomach. Raking the leaves at the Milford Elementary School front lawn isn’t such a stiff sentence. Shoot, I have plenty of fishing nets in my garage to get all the dead bugs out of Milford Public Swimming Pool before they dump a gallon of chlorine an hour before they open. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. And The Warehouse has been forced to close their doors because some morons didn’t register to vote.

But if you think The Warehouse is going to take their boarded-up doors and like it, guess again. They will re-open on July 1st with some door-busters and I don’t mean the ones that are against the law. How about some Heineken? Shoot, I’d go to jail for this deal, $14.49 in the 12oz. 12-Pack but I ain’t going to leave another party with Evan Williams Bourbon on my breath and risk getting pulled over again from that speed trap in the Milford Lounge parking lot.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

And how about some Maker’s Mark Whiskey? By some miracle, that and the Oreos didn’t get damaged. The Warehouse wants to express their praises to God with an eye-opening $22.99 in the 750ml bottle. And if they run out of Oreos, if the Chips Ahoy! isn’t too badly damaged, I can always dip that in my whiskey glass.

And if you buy a 30-Pack of Busch Light at the ridiculous $19.99, The Warehouse will give you a voucher for a discount at Renewal by Andersen to replace your broken window. I don’t know why morons would loot a guy’s living room and raid the Popular Mechanics magazine rack but buy the booze first and ask questions later. Isn’t it nice that you can once again look out your window and sip The Good Life all in the same day. Watching the birdies in the birdbath in our backyard with a Busch just brings a tear a tear to my eye.

Get your affairs in order and prepare for the Grand Reopening of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the 1st 50 people waiting in line will get a free canister of Pringle’s Regular or Sour Cream. The thugs didn’t touch those either although they had a Hell of a time ransacking the Milford Vending Soft Pretzels bags. The Warehouse will take a loss selling the rest.

Come in and get a new lease on life and a new window and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you’re still the one. I don’t have to recruit you to make a successful blog. You make it successful all by yourself. God bless you.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Free Summer Concert Series shindig one breezy night

“…Gil sang bass

Mimi sang tenor

Keri and Jaime would join right in there…”

 

At a scrimmage at Milford Sports Complex

“So they’ll let me keep my seeing-eye dog as long as he’s in the dugout?”

“I still need to talk to the crew chief but I don’t think the umpires will say anything.”

9 Comments »

  1. Winner goes to the playdowns. That should ensure a Juvi school victory. Gil can hit the Long Island’s early!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 4, 2020 @ 1:16 pm

  2. Not to mention high school athletic association rules – this cannot count as an official game for Milford. Does it count as a scrimmage or practice? Do they have rules about how many of those things each team is allowed to participate in once the season starts?

    Comment by Philip — June 4, 2020 @ 1:48 pm

  3. I was gonna bring this up a week or so ago but forgot. I read Peanuts everyday along with this garbage. Charlie Brown and crew tried to get a charity game going recently with Peppermint Patty’s team. The charity was stomach aches and poor Marcy, who seemed to be the only one trying to sell tickets, kept getting the door slammed in her face.
    So what’s WB’s charity? Free Me From Juvi game? The Breakfast of Champions Game? Or Gil’s Rotgut Fund?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 4, 2020 @ 2:03 pm

  4. …and don’t forget about face masks for batters helmets, and, as was pointed out, a way to avoid not having insurance. Even the useless lawyer who was of no help to ‘Nappy would have no trouble suin’ Gil/Kaz/Perl/MHS if one of the MHS players got seriously hurt while playin’ a non-sanctioned game with MHS equipment & Unis. Also, how does this dickwad Mike know if the guys at VM are”athletes” or even know how to play organized baseball? it’s not as easy as it looks, Mayor McDouche. One kid looks like a hippie; the other looks like his main sport is pocket-pool in front of his porn-filled laptop. Like JT sez….I read Peanuts too, and bet that even Snoopy and them would probably kick VM’s ass in a charity game.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 4, 2020 @ 2:37 pm

  5. A few weeks to practice?? By that time it’ll be July. I guess we’re stuck with this plot for the summer. Sheesh. Bad enough that the strip moves like a snail. Now the characters are.

    Comment by robmize2013 — June 4, 2020 @ 7:14 pm

  6. Only a few hours left of ROCK N ROLL TTTTHHHHUUUURRRRSSSDDAAAYYY!!!
    This week it’s the Psychobilly legends The Cramps. I’ll talk about the record Off the Bone from 1983. There’s some great songs on there and if you’ll like them you’ll want to dig deeper into their catalogue. If you don’t, then don’t bother. First song is “Human Fly “ followed by the great,”The Way I Walk”. Then ride the wild surf with “Surfn’ Bird”. After that you’ll hear a cover of Ricky Nelson’s “Lonesome Town”. I love this one. Lead singer Lux Interior actually cries during this one. Sounds legit. Maybe he’s a great actor.
    Then Lux loses his breath while singing “I Can’t Hardly Stand It”. Huuhhhhh!!
    That’ll be followed by “Goo Goo Muck”.
    Then the hilarious “She Said”. Ooo! Hee! Ha! Ha!. And rounding out the classic album is “The Crusher” and an ass kicking song “New Kind of Kick”. ROCK ON!!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 4, 2020 @ 8:02 pm

  7. Few weeks to practice?? Folks will be graduating by then!

    Comment by Hitorque — June 5, 2020 @ 8:12 am

  8. I’ll be glad when this story ends…this kid is a fuckin’ dick…time for a new story

    Comment by franku2016 — June 5, 2020 @ 9:31 am

  9. EXCELLENT DISCUSSION, GANG!!!!!!!!!!

    This is part of the reason why I keep blogging. Every last one of you brought out some hard-hitting points on the engineering of pulling off this “game”. You all had a great handle on the situation at hand and I enjoyed reading all your input. This is this is all about. I’ll keep saying it, I stand by you TWIMers. Gil never had a chance today.

    Democracy won in a rout today, Gang. Keep it up.

    God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 6, 2020 @ 1:53 pm


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