This Week in Milford

June 18, 2020

You Say Corina, I Say Karenna.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:54 am

 

 

Now wait just a Gil-pickin’ minute. Haven’t we been down this road before? Heather Burns was a slacker on her soccer team who went half-speed and even her coach chimed in that she had no future in soccer, leastwise not high school soccer especially because she needed to get her ass out of Milford if her heart wasn’t in either the town or the town sport du jour.

Then she cons her way on the football team as a water girl and winds up practically becoming Vic Braden’s version of the quarteback coach just because her daddy played college football. I mean, just because you’re in Gil’s garage doesn’t make you a riding mower nor being on Gil’s verandah makes you Mimi sipping her Canada Dry-Touch of Mudlar-K-Cola. But we played along with it even though she never really developed that blocking back who was a quarterback in his dreams but, okay, she makes a key block after studying game film with the coaches in Gil’s office. We even stomached Heather making her presence known more than Coach Shaw who had a nasty habit of going back to the bushes to hibernate after calling an audible.

Then again, 2 of my nieces were cheerleaders. Neither one detoured to the football practice to make adjustments with the offensive coordinator on the 3rd-and-long draw play. Gee, I wish my life was like the plot-on-the-fly scenarios Thorpiverse likes to design. Shoot, my nieces would be working along Buddy Ryan on the 46 Defense (gotcha, Robmize, hey, I left your Cubs out of my barbs again (ha)) .

And no way am I in the mood for Round Two. If The Man with the Lizard Face and Gumby Hairline informs us her appellation, we are to assume she probably went to Tilden like he did. Is she the bullpen coach over there? Does she scout the other high schools in the Valley Conference? Gunnery Sergeant Highway has enough on his mind teaching how to turn a double play with a grenade, we don’t need Tilden’s version of a snot-nose Heather Burns who couldn’t cut it as the football defensive coordinator at her own high school attempting to tell the Bad News Marines how to hit the cut-off. Like does she practice that in HER garage? Look, Miss-Tomato-or-is-that-Miss-To-MAH-to, learn how to pay your dues before you start barking out orders. Get a mitt and practice hitting your birdbath until you scare off the robins and finches EVERY time before you go swinging your weight about how to throw over the top when getting the relay to second, let alone where to put The Pillsbury Dough Boy. Right field may not be his forte as he’d HAVE to hit the cut-off sometime during the game. And don’t even talk about second base. You ever see the Pillsbury Dough Boy handle a grenade when he’s trying to avoid the guy sliding into him to break up the double play? Well?

 

Because I was a witness to somebody’s lawn being strewn on the freeway recently and surmising that when they took their sod with them, they didn’t shut the trunk properly or put a lock on their suitcase

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon Fined $1000 And Court Costs After His Front Yard Was Found Scattered All Over Milford Public Grounds!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’m going to appeal. It didn’t have my name on it. For all we know, the brown patch could have been because the Chem-Lawn Man added lye to the chemical when he sprayed. Hell, he got some on his shirt and it ate right through his collar.”

 

Thanks to Beth Houser, of New Albany, Indiana, for help with the last comedy idea. She works her butt off and is a God-send for my dad’s business. We laughed our ass off over that patch of America on our interstate system, didn’t we? You make America, Beth. God bless you.

 

And Miss Tilden the To-MAH-to, as long as you’re going to put your foot in your mouth and talk about things you don’t know about, a Heather Burns nee-quarterback coach who barks out plays from her Restonic mattress, what the Hell did you expect from a team that looked the other day like they were dressed for a church picnic? The ’86 Mets????????? Yeah, that was Mookie Wilson in the pony tail. And Gary Carter had on the Eddie Bauer Outdoor Experience khaki shorts. Keith Hernandez was that pudgy kid who got traded from the Cardinals for Neil Allen and Rick Ownbey. They’re playing for the Mudlarks now and Gil won’t let ’em wear those Izods they bought on clearance from Milford Salvation Army New Beginnings Bargain Outlet. Dwight Gooden is the catcher that can’t shoot straight, as you mentioned. Well, duh, Miss To-MAH-to, put him back on the mound. He can’t win too many Cy Young’s playing second. You’d know that if you weren’t a Bleacher Bummette.

BTW, Lenny Dykstra will help The Mayor coach on a part-time basis. Sometimes Sergeant Highway has to go on Guard Duty.

 

Hey, I know. You can take another head count because apparently The Mayor miscalculated on his roll call. As long as we all thought you were Phoebe Keener, it’s the least you can do.

 

 

If yore Milford Shady Vista Heights Trailer Park residents resolve ta form a wiffleball league so that they kin work off the excess beer gut and find an excuse not ta have ta smell the living room infested with mice farts and droppings fer at least 2 hours, ya might be a redneck.

 

And I’ll bet Teenchy knows exactly what I’m talking about when Foghorn Leghorn gets confronted by the fox, disguised as some suave bit of Joe Cool, an obvious tactic to get the hens that Foghorn is guarding.

Isn’t that pretty much what’s going on in P2?

The Mayor goes to the Valley Alternative parking lot when he hears

“Hey.”

It is Miss To-MAH-to behind the dumpster, wearing a suit some Mafioso would wear in Prizzi’s Honor and reading the Sunday Milford Enquirer

“Come here.”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Who ya got playing catcher?”

“Well, I got Johnny Bench’s grandson at that position. A relative of a Gold Glove catcher can’t be all bad. And he got due processed  because he said Dr. Pearl has hair like Tommy Lasorda-”

“Uh uh.”

“What do you mean, ‘uh uh’?”

“Play that player who was the 12th player but really should have been the 11th player. You’ll have the other team confused. He’ll throw ’em out by a mile at second and their pitcher’ll be throwin’ watermelons. It’ll be a Home Run Derby. It’ll be a cinch blow-out.”

“But what if Coach Thorp makes adjustments?”

“He can’t even add, what makes you think he can design a squeeze without usin’ an abacus?”

 

Gene Rayburn is back to keep our sanity from getting chopped up with a butter knife. We’re all ears, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought the Valley Rejects were going to practice _________________ to compensate for their lack of experience and/or Gil’s non-coaching.”

 

And I’LL BE THERE THIS AFTERNOON???? Does she run other operations besides the non-profit organization Second Chancers Deserve PT Too? While sitting on her duff in the bleachers and being a coach only in her dreams?

And where else is she going? Is she a contestant on WDIG-TV Bowling for Dollars? Busy life.

Oh, I get it, she’s Dutch dating at The Bucket with Wink Martindale. Cheap bastard. He’s making her pay for the Bucket o’ Home-Made Spaghetti? Sure, she’s a horse’s ass but c’mon, Wink, don’t leave a poor damsel-in-distress with a spork stuck in her mouth. We trust you have Visa Gold, Wink.

Oh, wait, she’s going through The Bucket Drive-Thru to get her free roll of toilet paper for every 20 dollars of grub purchased at the same. The way the stinky is stacking up, you might want to have a stack of 100 dollar bills handy. You might not have room to take all the rolls but price you pay for speaking about baseball without having a whit what you’re talking about.

 

GUTTER BALL!!!!!!!!!!! GUTTER BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wink hosting Milford Bowling for Dollars, consoles To-MAH-to Face

“Awwwwwwww. Too bad. Well, a little more practice with that consolation prize, a Brunswick Deluxe, and you’ll be picking up those spares you missed-”

“SHIT!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE TIME!!!!!!!!!! I was scheduled to kibbutz limited scrimmage with the Valley Recyclables an hour ago!!!!!!!!!!”

 

The plot development is about as pathetic as I have seen it in quite some time. It seemed like only yesterday that The Mayor got tangled up in a cruel twist of fate, aided by a gutless teacher and a cowardly lawyer, so now his kismet is assembling a group of scrubs and hoping to transform these Harlem Globetrotter wannabes into a fighting machine against the institutions-that-be while the love affair that could have been between Phoebe Keener and The Mayor is suspended indefinitely until his culinary affairs clear The Chopping Block screening test and Mimi finds a way to manage the softball team back on track in terms of the season and any logic embroiled along the way while Thorpiverse throws another unsuspected (ironically, to no one’s surprise) monkey wrench to the scenario. Hey, love affairs and softball pitchers out for the season due to an injury and baseball players out for the season because their academic standing is out for the season that also get sidetracked by Ardis Carhee claiming that the latest plot development roadkill acts like Mt. Etna when you fill out the lineup card to her satisfaction, we just weren’t meant for these times. Except I don’t think Brian Wilson had Miss To-MAH-to Disguised As A Volcano in mind when he added that song onto Pet Sounds. Yeah, the Beach Boys usually got to the point.

Oh well. If the plot(s) continues it (their) course down the sewer, ol’ Lava Lamp can always be included in a bowling plot against the Valley Retreads at Milford Lanes after that smarting on Bowling for Dollars. She’ll have her consolation prize in a bowling ball bag, anyway.

 

“Heeyyyyyyyy, that’s the 3rd strike in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mimi, you might not have to mortgage against your house after all. We’ll see if Mimi can hold off her creditors after a word from our sponsors. This is Wink Martindale for Milford Bowling for Dollars on WDIG-TV.”

 

“Greetings. This is the absentee owner at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. My criminal past will not allow me to reveal my true identity. I’m Batman who got fingerprinted.

But that didn’t stop me from masterminding a coup that’ll leave our customers spellbound. In short, the Milford Softball team’s loss is the Go Go Club’s gain.

“Come watch Jamila the Jumping Jewel dance on one leg on one of our tables to the tune of “Welcome to the Jungle”. My My My, our customers get some Good Vibrations in their Levi’s watching strut on one leg and whop any drunk trying to make a move on her with her crutch. If that doesn’t spell ecstasy, I’m dropping out of the Milford Elementary School Spelling Bee.

Then find out for yourself if Phoebe Keener knows how to get it on, denuding herself piece by piece while Coach Shaw plays a somber “Classical Gas” on his Jazz guitar. Isn’t it nice when the oldies keep coming back while you’re having the time of your life watching Miss Keener wrap herself around a pole? They don’t make ’em like they used to.

And don’t you dare leave without a lap dance from Alexa Warner. With that double bag she uses for a prop while giddyuping to “The Horse”, if you don’t have fun after all that, you need to get your jollies on a jungle gym.

And with Vivian the Volcano hot for some action, drinks are half off when she enters the stage. There’s plenty of incentive to watch her boogie to “Disco Inferno” while you’re slushing the night away. Sometimes she has to leave early to check the status of the local baseball outfit so get slushed early.

Come to the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club where the only thing you have to lose is your attitude. You are sure to have the time of your life or my name isn’t John Doe. Get with it and get it on, only at the Go Go Club.

 

Gang, I still don’t know where we’re going to stash Corina in this overcrowded plot but other than that, you’re the best in my book. God bless you.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Unplugged Session

“I heard the call from Gil’s office and I’ll have to burn the midnight oil again…”

Thunderous applause, the Emcee steps to the mike

“Doesn’t she sing that better than Barbara Mandrell?????”

 

Heard in the audience

“Norbert, I didn’t know she ran around on Gil.”

“Me neither, Helen. I thought they were a happy couple. Worked well as a team.”

 

 

 

 

 

11 Comments »

  1. Gil is going to be so furious that he missed on the latest prospect who could coach the team for him…

    Comment by billytheskink — June 18, 2020 @ 7:44 am

  2. Gee. What a great story line…”… undersized girl coaches a bunch of dorky kids to sports prowess…”. Guess Rubin has never used that one before

    Comment by franku2016 — June 18, 2020 @ 8:43 am

  3. My guy Dale Murphy started out as catcher then became a CF. Paulie Konerko was a catcher then went to 1st. These guys were MAJOR LEAGUERS. Probably fine minor league catchers and certainly high school. So this guy with 10 thumbs can’t catch but I’m sure he turns a mean double play. And who’s gonna replace the catcher? Maybe he’s the best and bravest they got. Move in the backstop so he doesn’t have far to chase passed balls.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 18, 2020 @ 8:45 am

  4. If my memory serves me correctly, Hall of Famer Craig Biggio was converted from a catcher to a second baseman. I think he may already have been a high school infielder who was converted to catcher in college, though.

    If my memory also serves me correctly, Pearls Before Swine‘s Stephan Pastis created a character named Corinna Corrina for his Timmy Failure series of children’s books.

    So there’s two strikes against Rubin right there. Add the recycled plot angle of a girl coaching a group of boys better than either Coach Thorp could, and it’s a called third strike on this stinker of a plot.

    Comment by teenchy — June 18, 2020 @ 9:27 am

  5. So Nappy is a non-playing manager? This could explain the 11 vs 12 count, but now somebody has to explain why he isn’t playing.

    Comment by Downpuppy, RFD (@Downpuppy) — June 18, 2020 @ 10:24 am

  6. Jorge Posada changed positions in the other direction. He played second for the Yankee single-A team near my town but was thought to be too slow to make it as an infielder (those who remember him running bases will find this easy to believe) thus he was moved to catcher at Greensboro before going on to the Clippers. In this he defied the conventional wisdom that if you have a promising hitter and want him in the lineup as much as possible, DON’T make him catch. Fortunately he avoided injury for the most part, and quickly learned the most mentally demanding position on the field.

    Comment by vaganova — June 18, 2020 @ 3:52 pm

  7. 1. She realizes this is just an friendly exhibition, right? And exactly what fucking evidence has she seen that a bad catcher would make a good second baseman?

    2. I know it’s a urban legend, but Mike Piazza got converted to a catcher in his first Dodger spring training because the team told LaSorda he’d reached his max limit of outfielders but was desperately short of catchers…

    3. God, I did not need another Heather Burns callback… Easily one of my least favorite storylines ever.

    Comment by Hitorque — June 19, 2020 @ 11:54 am

  8. I can hardly wait to see just wtf this has to do with Jamilla’s sprained ankle. I guarantee it will be something stupid

    Comment by franku2016 — June 19, 2020 @ 2:37 pm

  9. “Corina Karenna” is the most unlikely name I have seen in a very long time. But on the other hand, the “pit of bubbling lava” metaphor is promising.

    Comment by vagaanova — June 19, 2020 @ 6:05 pm

  10. GREAT INPUT, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LIKE I LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And I liked your discussion on the catcher-to-another-position or vice versa situations. They really contributed mightily to the post today. PLEASE keep this coming. I’ve said this story before but I’ll say it again, one day on a St. Louis Cardinal broadcast with Bob Carpenter doing the play-by-play, Darrell Porter and some other ex-Cardinals were talking the good ol’ days during a rain delay on the broadcast. At a certain point in the discussion, Carpenter chimed in “Gentlemen, I’m just soaking this in.” My feelings exactly today.
    Democracy not only won but it was a beauty to watch.

    God bless you all, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 22, 2020 @ 7:02 pm

  11. […] and huge earrings – the same earrings as her waitress, Maureen – after sporting demure studs previously. She’s also trying to fit in by eating mass quantities of greasy diner food. I […]

    Pingback by That’s No Catchers Mitt, That’s Our Waitress | This Week in Milford — July 29, 2020 @ 9:25 am


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