This Week in Milford

June 22, 2020

That’s Assuming The Story IS Going To End.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:49 pm

gt06232020

 

He was Jack LaLaine, the protein rich food fad guy who bragged about rippled muscles by eating protein rich Lay’s Rippled Chips and Milford Dairies 1% Soy Milk out of his canteen, now he’s a sorry-ass imitation of Gunnery Sergeant Highway, trying to save face by attempting to make Marines and/or ballplayers out of people who SUPPOSEDLY go to Valley Alternative. At least Highway got soldiers because he had a whole military base to draw from. No recruiting Marines off the playground at Milford Day Care Center or at Milford Senior Living Condominiums. He didn’t barge in and interrupt the shuffleboard tournament by throwing the tape player that was playing “Detroit Rock City” by Kiss (“Destroyer” is one of my favorite albums, BTW) which smashed to itty-bitty bits on the tile floor like he did with those greenhorns-that-shouldn’t-have-been-greenhorns in “Heartbreak Ridge”. Couldn’t you see him going through a similar tirade with retirees playing for bragging rights at the Senior Center?

“I’m here to take charge and show you ladies that your partying and wild sex and booze days are over RIGHT NOW. Just because your last leader was a pussy doesn’t mean you’re going to get similar treatment now!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’ll start to march like Marines, eat like Marines, play shuffleboard like Marines and pretty soon, Goddammit, you’ll start acting like Marines!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, you got your discharge over 60 years ago. And would you pick up all the Coke cans you knocked out of the trash can? It’s hard to maneuver the shuffleboard piece past a Nehi bottle.”

For all we know, The Mayor could be talking to Buddy Hackett’s great grandson. Oh, there’s an authority to prognosticate how they’re going to fare this Sunday. Buddy IV was working the crowd at Milford Comedy Club until his act was pulled because the Bad News Marines were in need of an outfielder with power. And Buddy IV can read the pulse of the team and offer advice just like Heather the other day, well, never mind, bad example.

Because I am not entirely convinced we have players that actually ATTEND Valley Rejects Vocational Arts Academy, some of these guys could come from just about anywhere. Where’d the dude with the Blu-Blocker glasses originate? Did The Mayor look up some palm tree. And what about the guy whose waistline suggests he hasn’t missed a meal? I bet The Mayor didn’t recruit him from a fat farm. One can only wonder. I think it’s an even safer bet he didn’t offer Chunky a menu only Charles Atlas would proffer to keep from drying up and blowing away. No cheese fries out if his Thermos, I’m guessing.

But as it stands, it IS a baseball team, full of more undeveloped characters than the guest stars on Life With Bozo. Sure, Corina, you have an attitude that can suck an egg. Now make like a drum and beat it so that we can chew on another undeveloped character and throw THAT half-eaten corn on the cob in the trash before Milford Disposal Concepts makes the rounds.

 

GET UP

EVERYBODY’S GONNA PLAY THERE SUNDAY

GET DOWN

‘NOTHER PLOT MAYBE RISE UP MONDAY

 

MILFORD ROCK CITY

 

“Dr. Pearl, The Mayor wants to know if he can call your grandson to play on his team.”

“His number’s unlisted, Gil.”

“What are you doing with that makeup on? And why is your tongue sticking out?”

“Women can look like Gene Simmons too.”

 

And okay, Mayor, we’ll swallow the fact that you recruited members from Our Gang to play on the team. The chubby guy with the exclamation point spanning his gut is Spanky. The guy with the ponytail is Alfalfa. Buckwheat is the one with the shades. And Darla ditched the skirt to adopt the tools of ignorance and an attitude along the way to play catcher.

But WIN WITH OUR GANG???? You better have brought along a believeable script. I wonder if it’s under the helmets in the equipment bag. And say Gil and Kaz wink-wink their way to the dugout and map out strategy. Hmmmmmm

“Spanky has no range at first. Too many Cocoa Puffs and Schlitz all those years. I’d have my lefties pulling it every time. Buckwheat has problems hitting a curve. If he’d take off those Blu-Blockers, he could crush a hanging offering every time. And if you say something to Darla about her mother, she’s been known to assault you with her catcher’s mask. An early ejection in the bag.”

Darla behind the plate, the batter a bit loose-lipped

“Hey, Darla, Coach Thorp thinks you ought to be his wife’s water girl on her softball team since you couldn’t catch a cold. And that crouch like Tony Pena? Did you watch that on his instructional video?”

WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Gil to Kaz

“Well, she gone.”

 

Gil

This plot is wanting

And we bang our heads all night

Players that should be spectators

On the bleachers in their own right

Just a few more hours and this quasi-game will be through

I think I hear them booing

Oh, Gil

What can we do?

 

At Milford Adult Shoppe

“We need a 3rd baseman BAD and I heard you have a rifle arm.”

“Let me talk to one of my co-workers and see if we can’t switch days on the schedule. The game’s this Sunday?”

 

And what is this secret weapon???? The last time a secret weapon came to the forefront, Milford Mudlarks beat the Mighty Rutland Tigers implementing Flubber to do its runs up the middle, runs around end (a bit difficult for a football player with balloons for shoulder pads but as Coach Stuard always told me “Good teams find a way to win, bad teams find a way to lose”) , buttonhook patterns (see above) , fly patterns. And they won the game kicking the ball from the 98-yard line using Flubber to the NerfFootball. Game over.

But that was football. What is The Mayor going to do, fill Spanky up with Flubber by sticking a tube in his shorts? And he better find a way to weigh himself down when he’s at bat. I know some pitchers knock you off your feet but this is ridiculous. I’ll admit his Flubber is an asset in the outfield. Ain’t nobody from Thorp’s Troops gonna lift one to the stands if all Spanky has to do is jump 95 feet in the air. It’s bad enough when the wind is blowing in at Wrigley but when a Flubberized Alfalfa robs Dave Kingman of sending one to someone’s portable pool on some sun deck on Waveland, well, time to fold the cards.

And Flubber does indeed come in handy in rundown situations. If Buckwheat gets caught between 2nd and 3rd, surely he can hang in the air until the 3rd baseman isn’t paying attention.

Otherwise, The Mayor is running out of time. But leave it to Thorpiverse to bail out a player running out of time stuck in a bad plot by resurrecting Lou Gehrig and overwhelming the opposition. Sometime you gotta use some black magic to obtain that secret weapon. Desperate plots do desperate things.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Calls 9-1-1 After The Mayor Won’t Take ‘No’ For An Answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“At first, I thought he was shoving World’s Finest Chocolate until I put 2 and 2 together.”

 

And oh boy, we THINK the secret weapon is being revealed in P2, what appears to be a pitching grip for a cut fastball. Unlike a four-seam fastball, a cut fastball has less velocity and more spin as it “cuts” away from the batter if he or she is right-handed and the pitcher is right-handed as an example. The batter is expecting to see the pitch go straight but many times swings at nothing but air as the pitch moves away, much like a slider. Many pitchers like this pitch because it’s less wear and tear on the arm than the slider. Fernando Valenzuela went from Cy Young Award to barely making a Mexican League roster team because he threw mainly screwballs, an effective pitch but was murder on the pitching wrist because the wrist is going against the grain when delivering the screwgie. His wrist by the end of the ’80’s was mush (Rookie in the Majors with the Dodgers in ’81) . He was noted to have a personal jacket covering the Mexcan League team logo during the team photo shoot. An unfortunate fall from grace.

Meanwhile, back in reality, I am really trying to make sense of this. A cut fastball will strike out all 27 Mudlarks, The Mayor will become the next Don Larsen, Spanky and the rest of The Little Rascals can just pick their butts in the field, there’ll be no need to Flubberize Alfalfa or Butch the Bully, and Buckwheat will be The Natural, going yard in the 9th while his guts spill all over his Blu-Blockers.  And did I mention that The Mayor was originally slated for left field (you can look it up, April 7 post) ?He went to the Valley Alternative Library, checked out Gil’s Winning Pitching Techniques For Your Instructional League Youngster, then practiced on a throwback net. Voila, there’ll be no joy in Milford if Mighty Casey whiffs because The Mayor figured into the scheme of things. I can see the title, instead of Remember The Rejects

“Mudlarks Get Spanked By Spanky and The Mayor”

I think we’re getting somewhere with this plot. Oughta wrap up by July. Gil still has 2 months to golf after The Unsanctioned Extravaganza of the Decade.

 

Overheard one day at Milford Adult Shoppe

“No, Coach, you don’t slide your card. Put it in, computer-chip end first in that slot.”

 

Then we get to P3, the raison d’etre of this whole burlesque. If I were to relive my second grade art session in the afternoon and I have a manila poster-size piece of paper and the Crayola box with the dimensions of an American Tourister briefcase and our teacher challenged us to draw what a Spring-training game between the Cubs and the Expos looked like, this is Exhibit A (Robmize is gonna kill me-ha ha) .

I THINK that’s the dugout. I wasn’t good at drawing hamster cages, let alone the hamsters themselves. And rumor has it that Gil called his old buddies from the French Foreign Legion to show up. Hey, sometimes these kill-the-non-sanctioned-ump affairs can get a little testy. And is that Andre Dawson doing stretching exercises with Ellis Valentine in the far open bleachers? I can’t really tell, he has his hat on backwards. Drawing blobby people can take things out of context.

And if you’re thirsty, you have DRINKS. Looks like The Mayor followed through on hocking one of those Valley Alternative cafeteria tables. They weren’t used in the last plot anyway, might as get some mileage out of them. And you can’t afford to run out of Kool-Aid at this game-under-the-table. A lot riding on the Vegas line. Keep that Country Tyme flowing out of the keg.

 

Over the intercom, the music keeps flowing, the current tune, Alfalfa singing “Shout It Out Loud”. Alfalfa was always a Kiss fan since they performed at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater.

Kaz to Gil

“And he’s going to sing the National Anthem??????”

“I trird to get Mel Torme but The Mayor wouldn’t go for it. Wanted a younger guy who could relate to the present generation.”

 

“This illegal contest that they won’t even tell their grandkids about is set get underway in a moment. Thank God I’m getting paid double time or they can find another sucker to broadcast this equivalent of a still on property Gil owns out in the county. I’ll be back with the starting lineups after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“By golly, Miss Molly, I’m ready for some action and my Mudlarks are ready to battle with the adult Wee Pals, er, Valley Rejects. Oops, my goodness, I wasn’t supposed to know about this. Oh well, the State Athletic Association never sent me any forms to report illegal activities. I know nothing, I know nothing.

But here’s something I do know. The Milford Beverage Warehouse wants to enhance your relationship with Dad with these Father’s Day deals. And by gum, I wish I could go fishing with my dad at Mudlark Lake Resort and catch a rainbow trout while sipping on Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey. Those days with me and him in the fishing boat would have been sweeter. Sure, the Mudlar-K-Cola Ginger Ale was okay and we still bonded but Whiskey and trout and Dad steering the fishing boat, the only thing missing was the Swedish Bikini team trailing in the other fishing boat.

There are some of you who prefer a cookout on the patio, grilling Angus Choice burgers while Pop doesn’t sip pop but a can of Coors Light from that 30-Pack that you only shelled out $20.49 to make him feel special on this wondrous occasion. I don’t blame you. Sometimes you have to let your hair down and leave the horseradish in the cabinet. Mustard on burgers and talking about the Industrial C League Blue Dot Modified Championship over a canbof Bud with Pop, well, I wish I had my dad around to swap bowling stories with at those kind of prices. I’ll lie about a couple of the gutter balls I rolled just because I wouldn’t want to mar the occasion. Coors tastes flat when that happens.

And I understand you wussies have fathers too even though that’s sometimes hard to stomach. I’d rather have the Heimlich Maneuver performed on me to pump out the bagels and lox. But Milford Beverage Warehouse caters to you pussies with this door-busting deal, a 750ml bottle of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay at a pussy-friendly $9.97. Makes me want to be a pussy myself.

And don’t tell anybody, especially not Dr. Pearl, but since this waste of a lining the field is non-sanctioned, we are technically legal and can sell booze at this event. Just look for the blanket that somebody got out of the washing machine and spray-painted DRINKS and alcohol and Cracker Jack, well, the only thing missing is Harry at the 7th inning stretch. Let me hear ya, good and loud, indeed.

Come on down to Milford Beverage Warehouse, if you don’t imbibe at the charity event and see what you can do for your own father in his pursuit of The Good Life. I know my father would have been sitting in a lawn chair cheering me on against the Valley Rejects with a Bud he bought at the DRINKS table as part of buy 3 Laffee Taffees, get a Bud free promo. Get your own Good Life and tell ”em. Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

You mean the world to me, Gang. Still haven’t gotten a line on the game but God bless you anyway.

 

OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET ME HEAR YA, GOOD AND LOUD, TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME

Steve chimes in

“Harry, Dr. Pearl is at a Principal’s Enrichment Seminar nearby. You might want to keep it down.”

 

I CAN COACH VICTORIES THO MY HEAD’S UP MY ASS

AND HELP OUR CENTER MAKE HIS WAY TO YALE BUT

DO YOU LOVE ME

DO YOU LOVE ME

REALLY LOVE ME

 

Heard somewhere in the stands

“Wow, I really love Destroyer. Used to play that on my 8-track when I was cruising the streets of Milford. Great choice for Coach Thorp as long as he is renewing his wedding vows.”

 

 

 

 

5 Comments »

  1. Blubbering idiot. Isn’t Milford better than us? Get your ass on the field and find out! Does that sign say Drunks? Then Gil DID make it to the game. I’m surprised there’s fans for this game at all. I didn’t even think the horny broads that Jimmy Piersall used to talk about would show.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 23, 2020 @ 8:44 am

  2. Yeah. Good thing kaz winked at Gil yesterday so no one would know what this idiot nappy was up to. I’ve seen less fans at some Pre-COVID MLB parks too.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 23, 2020 @ 8:50 am

  3. 1. I wasn’t a pitcher so best I can tell, that’s the grip for a cut fastball? So Peppermint Patty plus a fireballer on the mound means Mike the Mayor *did* find his ringers! Eat your heart out, Hawkeye Pierce!

    2. FWIW, I thought the Mayor’s “secret weapon” was going to be a knuckeballer, but that is truly a lost art…

    3. Damn, not only have people showed up, there’s a *concessions* stand? Are they charging for admission, too?! There must be jack fucking shit to do in Milford on a Sunday…

    4. Like I said, this game would have had a LOT more bite if something, ANYTHING was on the line, like in Bingo Long’s Traveling All-Stars…

    Comment by Hitorque — June 23, 2020 @ 11:08 am

  4. Two seam fastball, Hitorque.

    Comment by vaganova — June 24, 2020 @ 10:28 am

  5. Great job, Gang. You made it another successful post.
    Kudos to Jive Turkey for bringing up Jimmy Pearsall. That’s just about the only thing missing from this Farce That Never Ends. Excellent call, My Man.
    Frank, I love how you are puncturing balloons on a scenario that is likely to happen as Milford fielding a CBA team. Oh, it could happen but don’t be holding your breath until it does.
    Hitorque, I learn so much from you. Like Bob Carpenter, I just soak in what you say. I learn a lot thst way. Amazing what I learn when I listen. You da Man.
    Vaganova, I never can say enough how much I look forward to your commentary. Your insights and perspectives are ALWAYS welcome around here.

    AllaboutML, Thank you for your recent “Like”. People like you make it worth it to do the thing I love. Your kind acknowledgment means a lot to me.

    God bless you all, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 24, 2020 @ 4:38 pm


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