This Week in Milford

July 7, 2020

Maybe We’ve Consumed Too Much Pizza Lately.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:58 pm


Maybe this plot’s overstepped its bounds lately

Too much pepperoni, little game

Maybe we need someone wearing a size 12

To kick this poop into the flames

Lately competition’s crappier than the weather

Who cares if game was won, or even logged

Lately we’ve been wondering if there’s a summer

We wouldn’t know, we’re in a fog


Yesterday has ran into tomorrow

Wrecking every team we’ve ever known

Even though VM lies together with Milford in this bed

I believe they’re lying there alone


When I saw all the maybe’s, it was the perfect opportunity to get one out of the David Allan Coe vaults. My dad is a HUGE fan of his music and I was going to nail the coffin on all these maybe’s with some Coe doing the funeral music.

And just when we’re well into July, the Plot That Won’t Stay Dead still has a few leftovers (we’re assuming this is the dregs of the coffee that we’re drinking in the faculty lounge and we have no intentions of brewing recycled Folger’s) . And lo and behold, we weren’t at the scene of the crime (Malicious Abuse of High School Athletics In Toto With Intent to Injure Our Sanity) , but we sure as heck can compare notes on the crime. Did you send the pizza? Oh, a little birdie called Nick’s Pizza. Did you send the subs? I called Dumbo the Elephant to relay a messsge to Subway. Did you send the carton of Marlboro’s? We had a smoking section and the rec league ump is a 2-pack-a-day honcho. Yes, I told the Lone Ranger who told Tonto and he packed them all in his saddle bag, including the Winston’s. He had to borrow Silver to hoist the Milford Tobacco Cigarillos.

I mean, this is getting plain foolish. We don’t have better things to talk about than bailing out a non-sanctioned event and sincerely believe we can wash our hands of this tomfoolery in the bargain? Really, Hawaii 5-0 built a script around these kinds of events.

“McGarrett, I caught Honore Vashon smuggling Laffee Taffee for profit at an under-the-table occurence. The mob figure to get 50% of the cut of the action with that and Chuckles. We caught him when he tried to negotiate with Milford Confectionary for top dollar. We found a whole crate of Mike & Ike in his trunk.”

“Ohhhhhhh, I did nothing wrong. Me and my son were only trying to help a bunch of losers who couldn’t shoot a fat-ass mafioso if he had a bullseye on his butt. And don’t mention what they couldn’t do with a baseball bat. I was only trying to import from the sweatshops of the South Pacific the finest Rolo’s to people who couldn’t field a question.”

“Tell that to the State Attorney General, Vashon. Book ’em, Dan-O.”


Speaking of Hawaii, I admired their football team’s respectable record (565-463-25) but honestly believe it’s been padded a little, for example, Kaneohe Marines, 1-0, Mickalums (don’t really know if that’s Hawaiian, just go along) , 2-0, Kauai Broncos, (Soon to go Division I any day now) , 1-0, Oahu Blues, 1-0, Honolulu McKinley High School (no Arizona State or New Mexico or Texas Tech (examples) were available? They just bailed on you and forced you to take drastic action? The HS was between that and UCLA?) , 11-0, Hawaii National Guard, 5-1 (The one loss occurred when the game-tying extra point was nullified because the kicker slipped on the rainy National Guard Outdoor Facility turf) , and Mid-Pacific Institute, 2-0 (Where’s West Pacific Institute? Is there an extension on Samoa?) . Granting an impressive resume against Cal State-Fullerton, 10-1, I STILL say

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“NCAA Nixes Contracts Between Milford Community College and Milford High School and Valley Alternative!!!!!!!!!!!!! MCC Will Have To Engineer 2 Games On Short Notice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“NCAA Spokesperson: This was not performed in the spirit of fair play. Milford Pizza Hut Deliveries was not going to change that perception.”


“So, Dr. Pearl, were you the one to send The Good Humor Man to the game?”



Steve Goodman was a well-respected musician and songwriter who wrote “The City of New Orleans” (…Good morning, America, how are ya…) , sung as a Top 40 hit back in the ’70’s by Arlo Guthrie. Goodman eventually wrote with John Prine “The Perfect Country and Western Song” or “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” and sent it to David Allan Coe for a critique. Coe facetiously sent it back and said the song (as noted IN the song) that it really wasn’t Country because it didn’t talk about trains, Mama, prison, pickup trucks, or getting drunk. Goodman facetiously returned the favor by taking him up on it and adding those elements to the song and it ironically became a smash hit. Prine wanted it uncredited to him because he wanted no part of challenging Nashville, which by the ’70’s had become a very powerful influence in music, especially Country music. He did not want to take on a tidal wave. The movie “Nashville”, a Robert Altman cult classic confirmed that.

David Allan Coe wasn’t afraid to take on the Nashville establishment, pointing out that Nashville had simply become another pawn in Corporate America. And it had some merit. The moving of the Grand Ole Opry with then-Opryland next door showed how commercialized Country Music had become. Ryman Auditorium got left in the wake (the original venue for Grand Ole Opry) , ruffling some feathers. On the other hand, nobody confused Minnie Pearl with a Yuppie. Many Country stars such as Johnny Cash and Porter Wagoner had their feet on the ground. Country was still Country.

That said, I have my own perfect Country song that pretty well sums up what’s been going on so far. Check it out

The plot was stalled and drunk

The day my mom started at Nick’s Pizza

And she drove all those pizzas by Milford Prison in the rain

But before she could make it to the ballfield in her delivery truck

The pizzas got run over by a damned ol’ train


OK, it wasn’t a pickup truck. We can bend the rules and still be a perfect Country song. We bent A LOT of rules in this game, Gil, Kaz, and Andy included.


“So Mr. Bader, was it you that sent Ronald McDonald to distribute all the Happy Meals?”

“How could I? I’m up for parole next week.”


Ladies and Gentlemen, your latest in Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is that unusual chart on the wall and I wonder IS THAT A STOCK MARKET SHEET????

“…Milford Foundry, down a quarter, Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, up 3/8, The Bucket, down 3/4, Milford Toyota, up a quarter, Trading Futures, polled herefords trading in at a 1/2, the Molford Stockyards reporting a discrepancy, particularly among hogs…”

And then the price of coffee, normally cents on the dollar at most high school faculty lounges across the country are evidently at a premium at Milford High judging by the oversized dollar sign.  I don’t know who can afford Folger’s Premium Select Exclusively For Teachers With A Nest Egg The Size Of Doctor Pearl’s Bun but maybe that’s a best-kept secret. I THINK that’s?Gil behind that Phantom of the Opera mask. Really unclear about that one too.

“…You don’t have to call me Barry Bader

And you don’t have to call me Dr. Pearl

And you don’t have to call me Coach Heather


Even though you were once a soccer girl…”


If yore neighbors pitch in fer the whiskey to take ta yore ex-wife and ya want ta start over cuz ya git a charge out of makin’ love ta women who are 600 pounds with boobs ya can recline in and one tooth ya can hang yore hunting cap on, ya might be a redneck.


And this could be another coffee commercial in P2

“We have secretly pissed in Gil’s Folger’s Classic Roast to see if he notices the difference. Can the leading coffee in the industry and the Official Coffee down at Milford Foundry stand up to the strain? Andy awaits with bated breath while pretending to read Milford Harness Racing results

“So there was a rumor floating around that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir shipped the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s while they were on break from their concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater. Did you hear anything, Gil?”



“We won’t tell Dr. Phibes a/k/a Gil the truth. But this is proof positive of what happens when we select the finest coffee beans from the hills of Colombia to the ranches in Honduras and the part-time hog farmer near New Thayer. And the good news is, you don’t have to take a urine test to experience fine coffee. Try a cup of Folger’s Classic Roast today. Available in your Milford area grocers.”

And after a taste test and finding out your horse finished last, nothing better to catch up on the latest lowdown with Gil and Kaz while soaking in Milford Adult Monthly. Sure, Andy, Luhm picked it up off the rack at Milford Adult Shoppe when they ran out of Archie comics. We won’t tell.

“Wowwwwwwwwww, get a load of Mimi in this pin-up-oops, I hope Gil didn’t hear me.”


“…Well, I’ve heard my name a few times in Milford’s phone book (hello, hello)

And I’ve seen it at The Bucket, where I’ve played

But the only time I know, I’ll hear David Allan Coe

Is when Gil Thorp calls me as a partner on Golfing Day…”


Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Upset After Re-Classification By Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League.”

sub headline

“I just don’t understand why we’re being bumped down. We beat Milford Fire Department and I know they have a couple of ex-NFLers.”


I am really trying to make sense of this. So Milford Beverage gets this anonymous phone call to send 1,768,234 bottles of water and 342 cases of Coke, Mr. Pibb, Frosty Root Beer, and Yoo Hoo! and gives the receptionist his credit card number and expiration date. He then proceeds to have arranged 16 Uber drivers to transport it all after calling Milford Uber and leaving the location of the ball field after e-mailing an electronic check through Milford Ordnance Plant Federal Credit Union. And all he has to do is hide behind Penthouse and just say ‘maybe.’ Like the entourage of Uber drivers at the ball field was pulled off by Santa Claus at the North Pole.

In the faculty lounge

“Did you have Rudolph and Donner and Blitzen and Santa’s other reindeer that I forgot from Milford Pre-School deliver those cases of Coors?”


“Well, they had to dump a couple in the creek. A bit too lukewarm.”


“…It was all that I could to keep from crying

Sometimes it was so useless to keep playing

You don’t have to call it ‘Baseball’, Darlin’

They never even finished this stupid game…”


“And thus ends this non-baseball game. No score was kept. Hey, we’re all winners, right? Gil’s had plenty of those games in his resume. We just shake on it and let bygones be bygones and as long as we in truth stomped your butt, we’ll keep letting those bygones be gone. We’ll be back for final stats that you can tell your grandkids after this. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”


“OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That pepporoni slice didn’t agree with me!!!!!!!!!!! Where’s a trash can!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“My client, Elmer Erlenmeyer, was having a good time at the ball park but too much non-action and a healthy amount of Nick’s Pizza forced him into an unexpected trip from the EMT to Milford General.”

“When I found out that the insurance companies underwrote the whole pizza party and ball game, I was appalled. I wouldn’t have come if I knew it was non-sanctioned. I like fun at the old park and some Red Baron but I have my principles. They even had the nerve to have the Good Humor Man latch a ride with the Bud truck. This was a bacchanalian affair with Murderer’s Row in the spotlight. I wanted compensation for my gastronomic system and I wanted it fast.”

“I got Mr. Erlenmeyer $546,657,932 for this fiasco that wouldn’t have been a fiasco if the golf plot had kicked in. We called the EPA and they made sure that Superfund took care of all the vomit stains around the ball park and that pizza boxes and Bud bottles were properly disposed. I underatand the burial site is a proposed Izaak Walton League tract.”

“Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My stomach doesn’t need extra Pepto-Bismol, the High School Athletic Association has said ‘Just Say No’ to games played by Spot and Jane, and my check will finance a new microwave. I can cram all the DiGiorno’s I want. And wash it down with a Fresca. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Come get your own slice of the pizza pie and have piece of mind knowing this one you won’t upchuck behind the backstop. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”


Maybe one day this whole shebang will make sense. Maybe.

But there’s no maybe to your support, Gang. God bless you.


At Karaoke Hour at Milford Lounge, Coach Shaw on a roll with his Jazz guitar

“…Gil was drunk the day Mimi got out of prison

And we went to pick her up in the rain

But before me and Gil got to the station in my pickup truck

Gil’s mama done got run over by a damned ol’ train…”

Heard by a drunk in the back

“Hmmmm, less shheee, Mama, trains, pickup trucks, yup, looksh like (hiccup) he got ’em all. Oh, and Gil gettin’ drunk. Couldn’t leavsh that out.”


“Dr. Pearl, did you fill out that subscription order for Milford Bettor’s Handicap Daily in the teacher’s lounge?”



  1. 3 fuck wads sent the snacks to no ones surprise. Ones a candy ass, pud narc, one called his player an idiot and didn’t do shit for him, and I guess one stood by and didn’t lift a finger to help. But thanks for the food n drink. Cock knockers!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 7, 2020 @ 2:31 pm

  2. Gil and Kaz are dorks. Nice job keepin’ it quiet, Kaz, wink…wink, when like fuckin’ 300 people showed up. And nice job providing coolers of drinks there, certainly makes up for practically ruining a kid’s life without warning. That old hag, Dr. Perl, likes to ‘discipline’ students, so it makes her look like she’s actually doing something, and you couldn’t have done better with that if you had seriously tried. I still wanna’ know who’s gonna’ clean up all the shit like pizza boxes and crusts, half-eaten nasty-ass sandwich chunks, pop cans, water bottles, ice cream wrappers, and used condoms left behind by these pigs. I doubt that Gil even thought about that. Maybe Kaz just said to Gil ‘don’t worry about it’…wink

    Comment by franku2016 — July 7, 2020 @ 2:38 pm

  3. Once upon a time we lived near a place called Buzzy’s Pizza/
    Basic pizza joint with pinball & primitive video games
    We’d go there on bikes, have a pizza & a pitcher of beer
    On the way home. there was a narrow gate we’d just blast through

    I mention this because it was FUN!
    I only hope that some of the survivors of the Doomed Game had fun.

    Comment by Downpuppy, RFD (@Downpuppy) — July 7, 2020 @ 5:18 pm

  4. It’s funny because the controversial expulsion of a popular, well-behaved student-athlete in good academic standing hasn’t spurred any discussion about rethinking the dreaded “zero tolerance” laws… Just buy the kids some food and drinks and all conscious is clear…

    Comment by Hitorque — July 7, 2020 @ 9:47 pm

  5. Gang, Y’all came in with hard-hitting stuff. I like I like. This is the reason why TWIM is a reality, the candidness and freshness was evident today.
    You make it happen, Gang.
    Keep Democracy alive.

    God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — July 19, 2020 @ 1:38 pm

  6. Thank you, Gang. You mean the world.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 16, 2020 @ 2:34 pm

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