This Week in Milford

July 30, 2020

Back In Metropolis, Where Mayberry Is Really Milford.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:37 am

 

There’ll never be a fragment quite like this

We’re so involved with eluding schemes that miss

Don’t say something good will ever come from this

Don’t say the damage can’t get worse than it is

 

Back in Metropolis

Circuses and Catcher’s Mitts

Where the diner bill grew

 

Back in Metropolis

Nothing’s really making sense

With September in view

 

Gang,  I was always waiting on a rainy day to use one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite groups, the Australian band, The Church. Gold Afternoon Fix is a classic album and I am using one of the album’s tunes to slay the Gil.

Oh, we’re in a fix, all right. Or at least Coronavirus is in a bit of a pickle, trying to explain how she got stuck with Hiawatha’s catcher’s mitt all of a sudden. She’s been commuting between Milford and Darrin Stephen’s former abode to work up the courage to explain why ‘Watha’s mitt is on the table next to the Milford Diner Pile o’ Blueberry Pancake Plate with a side order of O.J.? This is what we’ve been spending most of July occupying our time with when we’re not standing agape at a football player ex machina trying to bang on the Coke machine to get his baseball career out of the slot? Next time, use the correct change, True.

Folks, tomorrow is the last day of July. Hard for me to believe we’re going to wrap this thing up by simply saying “Oops, my bad, ‘Watha. I picked up your mitt by mistake when I was stuffing my equipment in the bag and flinging it in the trunk. Here, order some Milford Diner Reduced Calorie Waffles and some Egg Beaters, my treat. I’ll even pay for the syrup and the tea and the Heinz Ketchup that goes with it. Oh, my bad again, the ketchup is already on the table.” And they left Floyd the Barber’s place with a buzz saw happily ever after. Hey, Milford is Mayberry, correct?

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Saw Elvis In A UFO At A Corn Field Near Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He took ‘Watha’s jock strap by mistake when he left the building and wanted to return it. Oh, and the leftover pizza. Classy guy.”

 

Are we going to spend all of August watching Single White Female try to flag down Hiawatha James so that she can call it square? She’s going to Alamo Rent-A-Car and drive the Ford Escort all over Maryland just to return a piece of equipment? I’m a huge high-pointer buff, having been to 21 high points in each state including Backbone Mountain, the highest point in Maryland. You better be in good shape as it’s a good 1-2 hours of vigorous hiking until you reach the summit, occasionally dodging the loggers that harvest the trees.

And I can’t see ‘Watha and his family enjoying a picnic they kept in their backpacks and sitting down on some of the boulders to eat their sandwiches wrapped in Gald bags only to have Single White Female hardly breaking a sweat scaling part of the Appalachian chain to inform ‘Watha she found his mitt in her dog house. She doesn’t know how it got there but the police is investigating.

And what’s with the menu in the background? Does that explain why Single White Female gained 20 pounds as a result of binge-eating Pringle’s Chips every time she graces the city of Mayberry, er, Milford? She better curtail her trips or she might not even reach Delaware’s summit. When you can’t even enter the trailer park situated at the apex of Delaware, time to switch to Weight Watchers.

Really, what could be on that sign that it deserves equal billing with Corina’s contraband? That costs $5.75?

“2 John Morrell Sausage Ropes, 1 Slice of French Baguette Bread, Milford Dairies Margarine, .25 extra, 2 Stauffer’s Animal Cookies, 1 glass of Diet Coke, no refills, $5.75.”

Ummmm, ummmmm. Those elephant and rhino cookies washed down with the free water or the Coke. I am living large.

Shouldn’t be living on the edge. Oh well

“Milford Diner Premium Salisbury Steak, straight from Stouffer’s box in the freezer in the back, tub of Bob Evans Mashed Sweet Potatoes, 10 Wheat Thin Crackers (Town House Lightly Salted Crackers can be substituted for this meal combo only) and a Mr. Pibb, $5.75”

They’ll be stampeding the doors anytime now. Corina better protect her contraband. Just stick it in the glove box.

 

OK, I’m hungry. And desperate. One more

“Milford Diner Black and Blue Burger, Burger burnt to your satisfaction and taste, Blue Cheese milked from the Premium Cattle of Milford Dairies, a generous helping of Buffalo Fries and Campari Tomatoes, on separate plates, bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, Ben and Jerry’s Mimi’s Choice Ice Cream, hand-scooped, coffee with Dunkin’ Donuts Caramel Creamer, Splenda optional, $5.75”

 

Thank God they sorted out the mess. It’s Hell getting Roma tomatoes and curly fries caught in your dental work.

Just put the mitt down, shut up and order, Corinavirus. Hiawatha ought to be back from vacation any day now.

 

If ya come ta tha diner that has deer meat on the menu ta return the shotgun shells yore neighbor put there in yore back yard when yore neighbor was huntin’ squirrel and snipe in his OWN yard, ya might be a redneck.

 

And speaking of Floyd the Barber, I’m having a hard time with Corinavirus walking into his shop and saying “Can you cut my hair just like Hiawatha’s?” Like Floyd the Barber does Mohawks. Right.

 

You stare down at the waitress from your trapeze

And when you fell, you fell smack dab right on the cheese

And when you’re broke, you scrambled for a cheap flat dish of peas

And when she spoke, she highly recommended Tastee Freeze

 

Back in Metropolis

Circuses and sweeties

Where the egg plants grew

 

Back in Metropolis

Topped off with Cool Whip

Second helping of stew

 

I am getting REALLY suspicious of that word “Sweetie”. We still haven’t confirmed that Corina’s mom is a serial arsonist who sets fires to Aunt Bea’s head and it’s hard for me that anybody who gives Aunt Bea the hot foot would call her “Sweetie” while she’s lighting the match. Yeah, right, Sweetie, put some more Matchlite Fluid on Sheriff Andy Taylor’s squad car, Sweetie. We wouldn’t want the vinyl in the vehicle to be half-smoked when he’s on a high-speed chase when Corina’s mom is trying to reach the county line.

And, okay, I’ll assume for the moment that the waitress did not reincarnate as Lizzie Borden but then my next question is, who died and made her in charge of the soap operas around here? Like I could walk into the Scottsburg, Indiana Waffle House, order bacon and eggs, then the waitress tell me my mother just died of herpes, the family is trying to call the preacher for the eulogy, and that the viewing will be closed-casket. Oh, and funeral services are pending, awaiting the funeral home being tested for COVID-19. And we’re out of Special K.

How about some Grape Nuts?

 

“Otis, Sweetie, could you move your foot? These jail cells are pretty small. And keep the whiskey bottles on your side.”

 

And now that Maureen the Milford Enquirer Gossip Columnist Who Moonlights As A Waitress To Make The Payments On Her 2 Auto Loans Plus The Condo At Mudlark Lake Estates knows my shoe size and the flavor of gum I’m chewing a la that Hickory Husker (“Stay on him like glue!!!!!!!!!!!”) , the smorgasbord (pardon the pun) of Mysterious Objects in P2 could finance the rest of my retirement. The readers and contributors have frequently noted the blobby earrings that Corina is wearing, a far cry from the skimpy jewelry that was gracing her ears at The Beach Boys Concert/All Summer Long With Baseball event. She looks like cancer is overtaking her ears. Good reason to be concerned. Then the cylinders with straws jutting out of them are better suited for sugar dispensers than plastic glasses containing Nestea. And what in the name of Maureen Loves Gil is in the background? A birthday cake and a preacher’s lectern? That MAY be the cash register and as long as we don’t see Jimmy Swaggart and a hooker, I’m sticking with cash register for now. And it might be Maureen’s birthday. Sure, let us celebrate the Special Day of the one person who has your kindergarten transcript in her dresser drawer while she’s serving you meat loaf and pasta salad. Blow out all the candles, Maureen the Meddler. Oh, and the chicken cacciatore is a little cold.

 

“Eat all your vegetables and carne di maiale a salsa bianco con canneloni grosso e vino rosso, Opie. There’s starving kids in Tilden that would kill to have what they serve here at the Diner.”

“I will, Pa. I’ll make sure I can see Deputy Fife’s face at the bottom of the plate.”

 

 

NOW WE GET TO THE RAISON D’ETRE OF THE STRIP!!!!!!!!!! Trying to make sense on how Milford landed in an either/or proposition with Mayberry or vice versa. Does this mean Big City Life versus Rural Scenery w/a bit of Hick Core Values? Because I don’t think Corinavirus is referring to Mayberry on the former scenario. Nope, Corinavirus, you won’t find Goober running the Elder-Beerman or Macy’s Department Store, Milford is too upscale for his goofy crown hat. And don’t bother looking for Gomer Pyle in the Lingerie Department at Milford Saks 5th Avenue. He’s too busy with a customer. Then there was a study that discovered that within a 3-block radius of Milford High School, more households subscribe to the New Yorker than all of Mayberry. In fact, the lone customer is Thelma Lou and she uses back issues to scoop up the dog poop. She can’t use a dust pan and a broom, Dollar General Store has yet to plant its stakes in Mayberry.

Single White Female, you need to get out more.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Single White Female steals Maureen’s hair and her name tag and becomes a sleazy waitress herself who even calls Mr. Dr. Pearl ‘Sweetie’ and snoops into his porn magazine collection under his bed and learns the truth after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Man, that Maureen is pretty darn good-looking and if Mimi got burned up in a 3-alarm fire, Maureen would be the first I’d call for a date. That name tag just sends me.”

But I’m not here to talk about my own sexual identity, I’ll leave that for when the arsonist sets fire to our house and Mimi is asleep in bed and I’m late from an extra-inning affair. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. We are pleased to announce our new location in Mayberry R. F. D. And the response has been overwhelming. But did you honestly think we’d let Otis the Drunk hog all the fun and the booze? Folks, you know me better than that.

The ribbon-cutting ceremony will be this Saturday at 1:00PM and there’s more where that came from once you walk through the sliding doors. First off, many of Mayberry’s fine people will be there to sign autographs and take part in the festivities. There’ll be rides out front and games of all kinds, including knocking over bowling pins using Barney Fife’s pistol he once used on a getaway car from Mayberry Federal Credit Union.

Won’t it be wonderful to talk about the Cubs with Floyd the Barber and purchase Four Roses Yellow Level Bourbon in the 1.75 Liter bottle for only $16.99? Be sure to have your camera ready to pose with Floyd Baby for this once-in-a-lifetime moment.

Or maybe you’re more comfortable purchasing Early Times Whisky in the 1.75 Liter bottle while talking about the weather with Aunt Bea. Shoot, I love talking about how I’m going to hose down my petunias with good company and saving money too. At $18.99, conversation with good company and a bottle in the sack with the receipt, not gonna haggle.

Or you wine-and-cheesers prefer talking to Goober about how the wine trade is getting sabotaged by foreign competition. At $10.99, you can have your Yellow Tail Fine Wine and I betcha Goober will lend a sympathetic ear. Hey, I bet he’s read the Wall Street Journal a time or two.

And here’s an extra treat. Wink Martindale will be on hand this Saturday and he too will sign autographs. Isn’t that nice that celebrities take the time to gather with the masses? And he will be there intent on squashing the rumors that he made a move on Thelma Lou at the Mayberry Police Station when Andy Taylor and Barney Fife were on a run. Wink insists that Otis the Drunk was sober and saw the whole thing. Personally, Truth and Time and Booze all walk hand in hand.

Boy, that sounds like a heckuva party, ya think? And you don’t even need to RSVP or pay dues. You DO gotta get your butt down here and join in the happiness. Come rub elbows and holsters with Andy and Barney and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, dang it, leave me alone!!!!!!! I’m still trying to decide if Milford is a thriving metropolis or a one-horse town like Mayberry. Way to throw a monkey wrench into this one, Corinavirus.

God bless you, Gang.

 

Back in Metropolis

Talk about a lost cause

When we visit this zoo

 

Back in Metropolis

The atmosphere’s ridiculous

What’s it all leading to

 

And it’s only a month away

We could leave tonight

We could snooze along the way

Snooze in black and white

 

 

“Is that Bazooka Joe you’re chewing? Ewwwwwwww.”

“BTW, when does the county sheriff in Maryland plan on releasing Hiawatha?”

 

 

5 Comments »

  1. Yes, thank God that she’s finally returning ‘watha his old, extra, piece-of-shit K-mart mitt that he was gonna’ donate to Gil & Kaz’s charity bucket anyway…I was worried about how Rubin was gonna’ fill up the next few days worth of strips. Or, could be that she’s worried about busy-body waitress because she also knew they were gone and was thinkin’ of hittin’ the James residence while she was there but since the waitress now knows that she was askin’ about them, that she would be suspect #1.

    Comment by franku2016 — July 30, 2020 @ 12:53 pm

  2. 1. My mom and grandma would be touched, but I happen to work on a college campus and I know for a fact that if I dropped a “Mayberry” reference in front of a hundred of them, only 4-5 would get it. And I actually live IN the south. (If you really want to cry, about 8 years ago I dropped an “Animal House” reference to a classroom and NOBODY got it, not one person… After that I just admitted to myself that I know nothing about contemporary relevant pop culture)

    2. Why the fuck is Peppermint Patty asking all these questions? Yes, we get it, you want to leave behind all those delinquents, gang bangers, teen moms, arsonists, Forrest Gumps and autistics at Valley Mod and play for Gilbertina despite the fact that for all your loud talk you really suck at softball. (But Patty has spunk and personality and that’s always welcome in Milford Athletics) Talk to somebody who can actually make it happen instead of ONE student…

    3. I’m really supposed to believe a catcher walked away from a field without his backup mitt?? Nobody is that fucking stupid. I know, he almost certainly ‘forgot’ to get it from her after the game so he’d have an excuse to see her later and give her a quick poke, but it seems like some weeks have passed since then??

    4. Who the fuck is this waitress and why is she telling other people’s business to complete strangers? If Peppermint Patty was a burglar, the James household could be cleaned out by the time they got back, no thanks to Mrs. Motormouth… And for the record, no — Even in Mayberry-esque towns, people tend not to casually blab other people’s business to strangers…

    5. What happened to the Peppermint Patty who had issues with authority and discipline and folks telling her what to do? I mean, she *IS* at Valley Mod for a reason, right? She clearly isn’t a teen mom…

    6. Help me out here: I always thought “Milford” was the name of the town or suburb or small city or county, and “Milford High” was just one of the high schools in the Milford geographic area? But the way Peppermint Patty is describing it, Milford is an isolated two-stoplight town with only one high school, and every high school they play is located in other towns or counties a considerable driving distance away?! If Milford is really this small, then I’ve got a thousand questions unless they’re in somewhere like freaking Nebraska or Kansas or Iowa…

    Comment by Hitorque — July 30, 2020 @ 1:07 pm

  3. @hitorque…I once dropped a Mayberry reference to my sister-in-law, a shrew of a woman who grew up in a small NC town, and she did get it, very much indeed, to the point where she let me know how insulted she was with that remark, especially coming from a Yankee such as myself…I had to then tell her that the “truth must hurt”, tee hee

    Comment by franku2016 — July 30, 2020 @ 2:02 pm

  4. Ok, I’ll take the low hanging fruit. Mayberry has the town drunk named Otis and Milford has theirs in turd boy Gil Thorp. What’s this waitresses name, Maureen? Wasn’t there a waitress named Juanita at the diner that Barney sometimes had the hots for? I don’t think we ever saw Juanita but was mentioned a few episodes. And then we have Dr Pearl as Aunt Bea? Minus Aunt Bea’s charm of course.
    Does anyone remember a parody song about Aunt Bea to the tune of The Associations “Windy”? “She gives my blue Jeans a rise, as she walks byyyyyyy, I don’t know whyyyy!” I remember hearing it on Chicago’s Johnathan Brandmeirs radio show. I have the tech savvy of Goober or otherwise I’d post it as it is on YouTube. And it’s R n R Thursday. ROCK ON!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 30, 2020 @ 3:59 pm

  5. Frank, Hitorque, Jive Turkey, you all had me rolling on the floor. You all were in rare form today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Frank, great K-Mart analogy among the other things you wrote. Dude, you were smokin’ oday. You blasted them at the OK Corral.

    Hitorque, excellent job, My Man. I was LMAO at all your observations and they helped make this post a very successful endeavor. Keep your keen observations comin’, My Man

    Jive Turkey, you KNOW how I feel about Rock ‘n’ Roll Thursday. And with your incisive comments, that just sweetens the deal. I always look forward to Thursday ta see what ya got, My Friend.

    You all make Democracy and Free Speech a reality. Without your comments, America ceases. God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — July 31, 2020 @ 10:59 am


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