This Week in Milford

September 15, 2020

There’s An “I” In The Words “At Each Other’s Necks Again”.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:00 am

Coach, you just uttered one of the bigger understatements in a while. To try to showcase two running backs which will more than likely provide a solid 1-2 punch this season while the spotlight is focused on two buttholes who are lowering the team to the level of the ditch behind the high school is like trying to advertise how scrumptious banana splits are at The Bucket in the middle of an armed robbery. Yeah, I think you better call the police on either one.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Charles Rapson runs his mouth and is more talk than walk. Yup, winning talks big and bullpoop walks into Gil’s office begging for a job as the water boy. Coach, I smell like I just stepped in a cow pasture but there’s plenty of that in your office anyway. And I know where the hose is to fill the bottles with water. Anyway, Charles needs to shut up and play.

But on the other side of the coin is Will Thayer who’s turning out to be a goody two-shoes as A Boy Named Rapp alludes to. Yeah, Rapp’s been flapping his gums but you aren’t helping the cause flapping your own dentures. Don’t say the other old geezer needs Poly-Grip with your teeth all over the gridiron. As anybody who has learned playing sports, you let your game do the talking. Will, hit Mr. Towelbutt between the cheeks, and I don’t mean the ones that line your face, and you can let the conversation flow. Otherwise, your conversation is flowing down the same sewer as ol’ Rappy Boy.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Thayer Refuses To Shower In The Same Facility As Rapp!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Thayer: ‘He’s the only dude I know that needs to apply Oxy-5 to his butt’.”

And here we go again with another installment of Marjie “She Came In Through The Bathroom Window Again For The Lowdown On The Food Fight Between Rapson And Thayer” Ducey. And darn, there’s no Manwiches this year when she’s ripping up Ryan vs. Ditka. Oh well, maybe there’ll be another charity baseball scrimmage next year.

The sad thing is, Gil is simply telling the truth to a certain degree, he’s got some horses this year to make Milford a legitimate contender, Chance “I really didn’t go to reform school” Macy and Charlie “My stepdad SHOULD be in reform school” Roh. But naturally, all of that will get sidetracked by the sideshow between Rapson and Thayer.

And instead of taking charge and telling these two Bozos to patch up their differences and play some football, Gil has to zip up his pants and put on his jacket while he’s trying to be funny with Marjie. Did you ever try to be like Foghorn Leghorn and tell a funny while you’re in the broom closet with someone who likes to get it on? Gil is failing miserably in this endeavor. Gil, next time, close the bathroom window so that Ducey doesn’t sneak in when Luhm isn’t there to scrub the toilet and GET YOUR ASS OUT ON THE FIELD. Then the QB question won’t be a question.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Minor Altercation At The Milford Diner This Afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!! Three Charged In Incident!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Preliminary reports indicate it arose over choices between Ham and Rye Variety Pak and the Roast Beef & Au Gratin Potatoes Combo. Rapson and Thayer released on bond. Thayer’s mother charged separately on assault and battery.”

Then WHAT IS THIS????? Milford Mid-City Mall’s Annual Mudlark Modeling Revue Extraordinaire ’20???? Yeah, I wouldn’t try to cash in a Lotto ticket at Milford 7-11 betting that they’re actually going to practice. Not that Gil has displayed any forte in that regard but I woild have liked the odds better. Here, they’re hellbent on traipsing down the runway for the Milford Fashion Scene to ogle at.

We’ll start with the shirt. Yup, guaranteed to intimidate the opposition and create a fashion statement at the Milford Elks Club meeting for the wives of the members to enjoy. Just apply some Irish Spring Body Wash and you’ll have those female octagenarians at the Elks Club Raffle swooning and buying more than one ticket.

Next the pants. Can’t have your crack jutting out of those Speedos when sashaying in front of the sartorial society. Nobody’s going to be ooh’ing and ah’ing when you display the Grand Canyon while picking up the gum wrapper that slipped out of your pocket. Keep it nice and tight. Pretend like you’re modeling front of Mr. T. I bet your football pants will be sexy and absent of extranumerary, not to mention embarrassing, objets d’art. Washington did not cross the Delaware with his butt hanging out of his breeches.

Next are the cleats. Try to keep the steel studs in your locker. Modeling floors that resemble Maureen’s face when she’s adding another applique of Pond’s Cold Cream are simply gauche. You wouldn’t want your kitchen floor with 39 lashes, would you? Keep your adidas shiny, use plenty of Kiwi so that they shine better than Gil’s hair after he applied Turtle Wax. Oh, and keep your shoelaces tied. DO NOT fall into Marjie Ducey’s lap. She’ll get the wrong idea.

This is NOT the time to be pirouetting down the runway in your jock strap. No better way to get blackballed from Milford Fashion Society than to have your testicles hanging out when the item of note was not even scheduled to appear. No sense in worrying about missing the cue. Stick it up your butt and get some real clothes and hope they forget. It should work, people have forgotten about the baseball scrimmage.

“Oh, those shoulder pads are so LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Coach, it’s either that or we order out of the Kohl’s online catalog.”

Supplement to the Milford Enquirer

“Rapson Knocked To The Deck, Will Require 23 Stitches To The Head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses at the scene report that they were expounding on Dr. Pearl’s hairline.”

And it’s time for another addition of Fill in the Blank. I love it when Thorpiverse splits up the conversation, like we’ll kick the cat if Gil doesn’t complete the thought process. If the Milford Enquirer is missing P3 and your a Siamese, you best be hiding under your litter box. So as long as we’re Meeting With Marjie

“Gil, I was really expecting another buffet here at the Two-a-Day’s. I realize it was hard to engineer another All-You-Can-Pig-Out-Before-Puking-During-Wind-Sprints because The Diner catering manager quit for a similar position at Milford Disposal but the Pork Pit Plate w/ beans and cole slaw-WHAT is THAT pole doing in the middle of the field?”

“Oh, that. It was done by the art class and I gave them permission to pursue their “Cue Stick In The Grass-A Lesson in Impressionistic Form in the Fin de Siecle” as long as they had it dismantled by Opening Night.”

Okay. Everybody has a firm grasp on this one. If you don’t, too bad. Captain Kangaroo isn’t running practice. Anyway, let’s explore the possibilities of what Gil’s thought process might be should the press operator spill Maxwell House on P3

“-we can proceed with the prosecution. I already got in touch with the district attorney. Rapson should be sent up the river by Halloween and Thayer should have a prosthetic installed by then. We can switch Second Chance Macy to QB if we have to. Roh won’t have his stepdad riding his coattails so those sweeps should be lighter on the load to run. Diving plunges in the end zone oughta be a piece of cake.”

No? Okay, here’s another.”

“-we won’t have to go through the damn playbook in one night like we had to on Labor Day so that several missed the Labor Day Parade and we can have a O-Line Gets It party at Milford Lounge. As long as their parents sign the permission slips, they shouldn’t get carded at the door. Sometimes they gotta let their shoulder pads down.”

Okay, okay, get off my back. Let me try one more

“-I won’t have to listen to Marty on his call-in show bitching about how my QB’s don’t get protection. Like he uses any on a date. He better clean out his closet. We can still get back up and call another play. He has to call a lawyer when he gets careless.”

I tried. I really tried.

At the Milford Modeling show

“Hey Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You lookin’ mighty fine in that jock strap!!!!!!!!! And when the judges ain’t lookin’, get over here and f-“

“Chance!!!!!! Chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up!!!!!!!!!! They sent Mr. Ballard to Sing Sing. You’ve been acquitted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And the tree art work continues to impress. At least the cue stick is standing up straight. It should withstand any Tacoma Narrows Bridge affairs.

“This week on You Asked For It, a group of small-town high school football players almost got the surprise of their lives while in the huddle. Our on-scene reporter is there now where the concession stand is a thing of the past…”

Maybe Thorpiverse thinks there’s trees out there that grow at 45 degree angles to other trees but I can’t say I’ve ever seen an elm tree catecorner to a hackberry tree. I know nurseries out there employ different methods for optimum growing results but I’ve yet to hike my local nature preserve and observe poplars at an angle you would shoot a cannonball out of to defeat the Rebel army at Antietem. But maybe I need to read Shelby Foote again.

Late Night Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Thayer’s Body Discovered In Dumpster Behind Milford Lanes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rapson Held As A Suspect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He was my friend.”

P3-“Gil, wanna see me throw? Because the only thing those two clowns have thrown is a fit.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh stop it, Marjie, you’re killing me.”

When I hear these commercials and/or The Milford Diner talk about wild-caught fish sandwiches, it puts my mind at ease that the Burger King Cod did NOT come out of somebody’s aquarium. With that in mind

“Folks, with the kids going back to school and COVID-19 still among us like my two QB’s that need to take their games to recess, it’s even more important to eat healthy by eating the 4 food groups and keeping germs off your plate. Now I’m not your mother so I’m not going to see if you’re eating broccoli, Brussel sprouts, and spinach when you go to The Bucket but I will see that your food is fit for human consumption.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. There have been some unwarranted, nasty rumors about our sausage. That we ship them in from the jungles of Africa or South America or when the hunters in Indiana in the fall have shot their limit and dump the dead pigs in a cornfield for the buzzards to feast on. If you honestly believe that, I have elevator passes to sell you leading into Mimi’s office.

Let me reassure you that even if I order 3 plates of wild-caught trout down at The Diner and have them pour tartar sauce on the specimens conquered by the bamboo pole, I will never allow any employee to hunt for meat in the restricted area of the state forest and I’m not even a good shot anyway. Porky Pig lives another day because my aim isn’t true and my Winchester needs cleaning in the barrels big-time.

So when you’re a guest for your son in the Milford Elementary School cafeteria, you can be 100% satisfied that the Italian Sausage Burger and Buffalo Fries may have arose out some buffalo’s butt for all we know but the sausage burger is locally bred and raised. The farmers around here don’t need to hunt for their Sloppy Joe sandwiches in their woods when they can stuff them with millet and sorghum and an occasional Big Mac and send it to the slaughterhouse ready for somebody’s birthday party.

Or maybe you’re still a doubting Thomas and you think our Sage ‘n’ Spicy Supreme is off some porker that the lions didn’t catch up to on the savannahs of Kenya. Trust me, we tried importing hogs from Austria as a token of American good will until I saw the tariff bill on my desk. Do you really think I’m paying duty for a pig straight out of a crocodile’s mouth when the croc can’t catch up to the hippo? Please.

And Okay, you namby-pamby Communists who think I live off the toil and sweat of hunters who lost their jobs as fisherman because there was no more tuna off the coast of Alaska for a month and they had to resort to ferreting out Yorkshires on Kodiak Island. No Denny’s Sausage Links that we supply them with has EVER come from The Last Frontier. Any hog that survives that frigid air doesn’t belong on the pile of flapjacks that Denny’s promotes as part of its All The Pancakes You Can Eat Lunch Special. Believe me, when I have a lunch date with the CEO of Tennessee Pride, my sausage is my own. His sausage and flapjacks can escape out of Rhode Island for all I care. The point is, I will not pour Aunt Jemima on dead wild pigs. You have my word on that. Bet the Tennessee Pride CEO can’t say that.

So come on down and get your package today of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage and get piece of mind that our farmers only produce the best sausage that nature has to offer. Remember, bow season is for deer, not Miss Piggy. Let your taste buds come alive and savor the assurance.

Gang, you are more patient than I have a right to expect. All I can do is pass it along. But I will.

God bless you, Gang.

Headline in the Milford Enquirer Sunday Edition

“Thayer Emphatically Denies Petty Thievery Charge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“Why would I steal his mom’s panty hose when I can buy fishing nets like that at Dollar General and stick that store-brand job in my girlfriend’s stocking at Christmas?”

Maureen arguing with a customer at The Diner

“Sir, that Catfish Cacciatore is wild-caught!!!!!!!! I saw the employee drag it through the algae out of the pond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


  1. So when is the big pre-season bonfire? Rumer has it that they will be burning an effigy of Gil for his cavalier attitude regarding the QB starter.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — September 15, 2020 @ 10:58 am

  2. P 0: “…from what I’ve heard from the people who are there…”. P 4: “…yeah, I do…haha…let’s go back to my office…giggle…Mimi is still fuckin’ around with that mean bitch who just transferred in, so we don’t gotta worry about her for awhile….giggle…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 15, 2020 @ 11:29 am

  3. I like that bon fire idea Bobby Joe. Gil is disrespecting Marji ability to play QB. Gils still pissed he had to change his offense for that fancified blue chipper a few years ago. Now he can pull out the ‘58 playbook again. Maybe what’s her name can play QB!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 15, 2020 @ 3:21 pm

  4. If your QB options suck so hard, why not just run the wishbone with the triple option?

    Comment by Hitorque — September 15, 2020 @ 4:13 pm

  5. Wishbone! Shout out to the greatest wishbone QB, Jack Mildren!
    The time they shut him out of the VP suite because he hadn’t donated enough?
    Clearly, because he lost the Game of the Century

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — September 15, 2020 @ 8:11 pm

  6. That’s why I have a soft spot for Navy… The triple option and a lot of other quirky college formations have become a lost art, sacrificed on the altar of the dreaded “PRO SET” offense…

    A few years ago, didn’t Gilberto use the Veer or the Single Wing or the Wing-T offense for a season? And then in true Gilbertian fashion congratulated himself for re-inventing the wheel?

    Comment by hitorque — September 16, 2020 @ 12:01 pm

  7. Great job, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your commentary shone once again!!!!!!!!!!!

    Downpuppy, thank you VERY MUCH for the insert. I watched it all the way through. I still remember that electrifying run by Johnny Rodgers way back when and it is etched in my mind still today. My uncle is a HUGE Nebraska fan and plays the Nebraska Fight Song at Thanksgiving as well as give us occasional reminders of that game(ha ha).

    Y’all done good today. Democracy and Free Speech lived another day. God bless you all. I love reading what you have to say.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — September 21, 2020 @ 10:47 pm

  8. […] Florida Gators, fuhcripessake. It’s already been established that Milford’s gonna be The Chance and Charlie Show this […]

    Pingback by I Thought Only Steve Luhm Handled the Mops in Milford | This Week in Milford — September 25, 2020 @ 9:56 am

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