This Week in Milford

October 1, 2020

Looks Like You Asked Your Own Question, Terry

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:34 am

This is the city, Milford USA. It’s been said to be in many states but it can have its P.O. in Antarctica and I’d still call it home. And there are several diversions in the South Pole or Mudlarkland or Rockville as the locals call it. Plenty of opportunities for recreation after a hard day’s work. Tennis, bowling, nature-hiking, Flag Football Senior Women’s Division 6 Feet and Under League through Milford Parks and Recreation. But when people show up at the volleyball match without their uniform or proper papers, they bashed their last kill in the net. That’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

It was a typical Fall day in Milford. Crisp. Clear. You could smell the burning leaves in my neighbor’s front yard. The same place where the pep rallies took place. Gil liked to kill two birds in one stone. Work the fans into a frenzy and get the ashes in a garbage bag by the time Milford Disposal arrived in the morning. Gil had a system.

My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Juvenile Felonious & Fraudulent Proceedings in Conjunction with Flagrant Consanguinary Business Department of the Milford Police Force. The boss is Captain Ballard. There had been confirmed reports of a certain female who under the name Corina Karenna. She had other sobriquets, Corinavirus, Corina Cancer, Plot Bringer Downer but we could only resort to known facts. Let the bookie at Milford Gaming House deal the higher odds.

She had moved to Milford after sizing up Milford Diner. For my money, The Diner wasn’t the island of Maui. You might get coconuts sprinkled in your Diner Corned Beef Hash Supreme but that was as close to Paradise as we or Corina Cancer was going to get. We had to get the skinny on her particularly after sources reported her mom was a terrorist who would plant a bomb in the Girl Scout cookies at the Milford Girl Scout Jamboree.

In Captain Ballard’s office

“Nothing fancy. Just keep a tail on her and nobody gets hurt. Your eyes need to follow her to the volleyball matches all the way in the gym.”

“Can we buy popcorn and cokes?”

“Way ahead of you. That’s encouraged. Mingle in with the crowd. Talk about the weather. The Cubs. Might help to get a stat sheet and quote a few stats. Anything to not draw attention.”

“My granddaughter’s a setter. I’ll get some friendly advice from her.”

“That’s the key operative. Friendly. The only kills should come at the nets. Try to keep your gun by the Junior Mints. We don’t want any blood on the free throw line if we can help it. She may be a trashy mouth but she has no criminal record.”

“She’s going to wind up next to Bader’s dad if she continues her banter with the volleyball official or otherwise.”

“I agree. Oh, and one other thing. Be on the qui vive for my brother, Chet. His insurance business has been on the blink after last year’s debacle and may be in on the bomb business. I don’t there’s any in Charlie Roh’s locker but if you see Chet buying Corina a Klondike bar, sit on ’em.”

“They’ll all be in Milford Maximum Security if they think they can sneak bombs and Snickers past the football ticket window.”

Somber music sets in.

ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Show Time and the only thing on Rapson’s mind is a girl he has no romantic or emotional interest in HIMSELF???? It’s like in North Dallas Forty where Coach Strother tells Phil Elliott that he needs discipline but Coach Strother gets in the backseat with Corina Cancer’s mom after practice. Geez, no wonder why Will is the starting QB and THAT’S not even a given. But I’ll give the benefit of the doubt for now. I don’t THINK Will is dreaming of going to Fantasy Island in an Evinrude with Corina Cancer steering the apparatus through the fjords while he is putting on shoulder pads. There’s a time Tea for Two in Xanadu and then there’s a time to get serious. I’m confident, for now, that Will has opted for the latter.

And I’ll say it again. We had a feasible controversy on our hands with two legit candidates at a high profile position but now we’re getting sidetracked by the ugly, officious, dim-witted offensive lineman in North Dallas Forty who makes it very clear with this pretty lady at a party that brash sex is the only thing on his mind. As Seth Maxwell, the QB in the movie says “He’s just one great big baby.” He and the plot share something in common.

“Woman, I wanna go to bed with you-“

“Jocko, can’t it wait until after Corina’s volleyball match?”

My dad was told by the small town water company that supplies his business that it takes 120 gallons of water to flush his one toilet in his warehouse. Wow.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket To Begin Charging For Glasses Of Water At The Tables!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Bucket Manager: ‘These trips to the rest rooms on Sunday Bucket Taco Brunch were just killing us.”

And yeah, just before Prime Time, it’d be wise to focus on the game, not Big Mac’s or Big Mouths, both can give you indigestion at the worst possible time but don’t put it past Thorpiverse to have Corina Cancer playing for Ballard High (don’t get that confused with Bluto Ballard, Gang) in the name of irony.

“Geez Louise, you see the hit their linebacker inflicted on Thayer? Now she’s saying something to him.”

The microphone closer to the carnage

“I’m not interested, OK? Next time I’m aiming for the family jewels. Go hit on Hadley V.’s sister.”

7:15PM-Gannon and I were at the football game. There were no volleyball matches scheduled that we were aware of. We had our usual Egg Plant sauteed w/ Swiss Cheese Platter, washing it down with a cold glass of Milford Dairies at The Diner before we embarked on our stakeout and Maureen assured us, after slipping an extra check out of my checkbook, that the bookies at Milford Gaming had taken no more betting activity on the volleyball match. Everything was laid on the line for tonight’s football game.

“Joe, there she is. Sitting by the pep band. Well, I’ll be. It looks like she made a pass at the tuba player.”

“Don’t bet on it. An insider told me she likes to throw off the scent. Last week, she grabbed the xylophonist’s crotch. Wanted to show she was in heat. But they went their separate ways after the game.”

“Does she hide bombs in the woods before she comes to the games? And where’s her mother in all this?”

“No idea. Her mother stashes them in the pin oaks as fast as she gets them off the Roadway driver. The Big R guy comes in at night when the Milford Truck Scales shut down for the night. That’s what I hear.”

“And we can’t nail Corina Cancer either?”

“Whose gonna notice when she’s vigorously kissing the flute player?”

Somber music floats in once again, but in a different key. Gotta keep it real.

Then Ballard High shows they came to play. One of their members on defense had to duck walk to bring the Mudlark to the turf but whatever works and it’s legal. Nobody ever got flagged 15 yards for unnecessary roughness employing such a technique.

I just can’t see how they gang-tackle wearing trapezoidal footwear. We did exercises in high school geometry based on the fashion statement in P2.

“Given a four random lines hocked from a quadrilateral on page 473, two midpoints, a protractor, and a Milford Apothecary compass set, construct a football cleat utilized at Homecoming.”

Better get to work. The first step is the most important when building a dream.

In the North Dallas Forty film room, Coach Strother running the operation

“Stallings, you were nowhere near where you supposed to be on coverage in that game with the Mudlarks. Rapson could shake hands with our safety in the end zone. What were you thinking?”

“Corina Cancer. She just pumps me up.”

“She just pumps you up.”

Silence

“She just pumps you up.”

Silence

“Gentlemen, we don’t have time for people who get pumped up when some punk kid talks garbage and still scores.”

Silence

“Nope, no time at all.”

Silence

“None whatsoever.”

Lights go back on

“All right. Get suited up and out on the field in 15 minutes. Stallings and Thorp, I want to see you in my office.”

9:14PM-Gannon and I were getting jittery. The artwork showed football players looking in their element, not a montage of The Blob/Tarantula! I knew that when Charlie Roh got tackled by the linebacker, not The Fly, something was up. When I saw Corina Cancer leaving, I had to leave my tub of half-eaten popcorn next to the cushion of an old man whose grandson was a freshman on the team and who had to go blow his nose. Nice of him not to sneeze into my stale kernels. Me and Gannon weren’t going to let her go through the turnstiles.

“Awwwwwwwwright, Ma’am, spread ’em against the wall.”

“What are you talking about? These dorks don’t show up for my volleyball matches. Turnabout is fair play.”

“Yeah, right, and last week I busted a heroin addict because he left early at a high school cross country meet because he said he couldn’t stand to watch his son finish in last place. Said he had nothing but cross country ribbons when we had a warrant for him to open the trunk. He had the ribbons all right. They were covering the spare tire and the evidence.”

“Dudes, I don’t have anything to hide and you better have a warrant to search my purse unless you want to violate Miranda and get my lipstick.”

“Watch your mouth, young lady. I’ve known Mr. Friday since Truman was President and Gil worked a summer job as his janitor. Just watch your step and your volleyball career won’t be relegated to sand volleyball with Death Row inmates at Milford Minimum Security.”

“I just play volleyball. I don’t have anything to hide.”

“Yeah? You’ll have two extra fans in the stands maaking sure it stays that way.”

Loud somber grating Dark Shadow-esque trombones borrowed from Gil’s closet he has left after ordering them from Sears Mail Order Catalog entering the fray this time.

Dr. Pearl in her office, listening to Smashing Pumpkins “1979”

” Dr. Pearl, we vacuumed out another gallon. The Faculty Rest Room should be good to go. And we cleaned the stuff off the toilet paper dispenser.”

“Good work, Steve. Please take the rest of the day off.”

“Thank you. BTW, is that Jo Jo Gunne?”

P3 is simply confusing as Hell.

Let me start with the conventional wisdom. It’s a handoff by Game Face Thayer who has shelved Corina on the shelf for the duration of the game to a running back, presumably Charlie Roh.

I say confusing because I have never seen quarterbacks like Joe Montana or Lamar Jackson throw across their bodies with their free hand appearing to steady themselves so they don’t trip and fall. Don’t stumble on an option pitchout.

It could also be the Dark Shadows Hand who likes to get in on the fun when its not haunting Collinsport. We’ll assume ol’ Game Face has his other hand out of his butt from scratching all the pimples and is ready to lead-block.

Another possibility is that some Ballard Bruin (Thorpiverse, did you consult the Louisville Phone Book?-It shows) went offsides when the ref was scoping Corina and is pawing at Charlie Roh. Better be careful, Mr. Bruin. Chet might be in the stands, still smarting from last year. Paw at my step-son, paw at me. I wouldn’t want to test the theory with Bluto.

Or maybe somebody accidentally threw his or her hand on the field. Sometimes you get carried away when cheering for the home team.

2:20PM, next day. It was Saturday at the girl’s gym. The volleyball match between Milford and Ballard was about to commence. Both teams were warming up. We were listening to System of a Down over the intercom while relaxing but keeping our eyes wide open.

We didn’t need to lodge toothpicks in our eyelids for long. Will Thayer paid his admission at the table and sat down.

“You come here often?”

“This is my first volleyball match.”

“And this is my first time at the rodeo but I don’t see any bulls coming out of the volleyball bin.”

“I swear, I’m just trying to get a date. If I go to enough matches, this girl on the team might change her mind.”

“But you might not change mine. Anybody coming to a sporting event tryingvto escape the tackling dummy because he eventually wants to make a move on her always draws my suspicion. I bet Gannon thinks so too.”

“Have you ever had to go to practice competing for a job in the lineup but the coach’s line-up card is next to his set list at Milford Lounge Karaoke Hour? Try to be the starting signal caller when Coach Thorp is crooning ‘Feelings’. You have to throw a quarter in the jar to prove you can call an audible better than your rival.”

“Don’t tell me your problems, Thayer, I have a few of my own. But I can’t even throw a flag for intentional grounding. That won’t stop us from sitting with the home crowd. Any trouble better be with your yelling at the officials. Don’t get ejected for illegal bomb activity.”

“You heard the man, Son. Don’t get banned from the gym spiking with intent to instigate a riot. Leave the TNT under Mimi’s clipboard.”

C’mon, Thorpiverse, I’ll stop lambasting the tree artwork if they start looking like TREES. P3 looks like killer amoeba is coming in for a landing anytime now. The background is what you woild observe on a glass slide under a microscope. That lolks like mitochondria behind Thayer’s helmet. Ir is that Golgi bodies? No, that’s being handed off to Roh. That cytoplasm strangely resembles Mimi’s hair when she’s getting a perm.

“And that’s the end of the first half with Milford leading, 21-6. Seems like that the fumble that Octopus Roh committed did no harm. We’ll be back with halftime stats after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Shaw household one evening at 2:43AM after Coach Shaw finished reading “Bringing Up Father Anthology”

“Honnnnnneeeeryyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m horrrrrnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy. You’re long overdue to go to bedddddddddyyyyyyyy-bbbbyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Open the bathroommmmmmm dooooooooooorrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I can’t, Woman. The Milford Toilet Supply salesman says that when we flush, we use 1,353 gallons of water. He said I needed to install this commode regulator that serves as a sensor in case the water level reaches 1,354 gallons. Even an excess of one gallon will cause Noah’s Ark. I don’t want to be rowboatin’ in a sea of shit.”

“Honey, we got our toilet when we moved in.”

“Blubba blubba, flusha flusha, that’s not true. The sales man showed me an exact facsimile on the showroom floor. It was down to that and the one Liberace used to relieve himself. But I didn’t want no diamond studs on my seat when I’m disposing of my taco brunch. It was a no-brainer.”

“They switched toilets behind my back?”

“Flush ’em up, flush ’em up, with Johnny Toothbrush, you were at your mother’s when the crew came in. They worked ’round the clock, getting the floating bowl set right so there’d be no toilet water sounding when you’re watching Monday Night Football, the u-pipe completely clog-free, heck, you could flush a chunky bracelet down the toilet and the water would flow like the Mississippi, they were even punctiliuos with the toilet handle. Ain’t no sense on being in the basement when you pressed the elevator button to the penthouse. Hugh Hefner deserves to flush with a handle that sends the contents to its proper reward. Don’t make the Tide-Dee-Bowl Man work overtime “

“We never got a bill for a payment.”

“I used one of their gift cards. Now stop bothering me. I’m trying to find my open-end 5/8″ to screw in this regulator. It shuts off the deluge when the gallon count per square inch approaches Nirvana. It’s all digital. Technology and toilets, a butt’s Stairway to Heaven.”

“That’s nice to become religious but your tool box is on the coffee table.”

“No way to get out of that one. I had to ‘fess up and get to Milford Men’s Clinic so that I could flush my ED problems down the drain. I didn’t even need to use a Handi-Wipe. And with every box of EREC-3500, I get a free toilet brush. It’s a convenient way of getting piece of mind before you go to bed with the honey and the toilet seat fit for a King. Come down and get erect and sanitized in one package and make health a multivariegated affair. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I am so sorry it took so long. I just got my new phone and waiting for it caused delays on the site. You have been patient nore than I have a right to expect. God bless you all.

DUM DE DUM DUM

Pause

DUM DE DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMMMM

“On October 2nd, trial was held in the Milford Municipal Court, District 28, Sector 5, Arctangent 408, Judge Edlington X. Sliphippel presiding. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

“…Coach, I don’t know about this. I don’t want Mr. Perry to stick a needle in my knee just so Rapson will do the same thing. I just twisted it tripping over one of Mr. Luhm’s garden hose.”

“Nonsense, Thayer. Coach Strother made sure the needle got sanitized under the heat lamp. And Coach Kaz was still able to walk his dog after Mr. Scott stuck it to him…”

“Mademoiselle Lucinda Bufanda Patty Queen of Spades del Rio Fred Karenna was found guilty by an impartial jury of 3 counts of Violation of Milford Penal Code 984 Section 4 Article 15 ‘Wanton and Indiscriminate Child Negligence’ after allowing her daughter to roam the streets of Milford without Legal Guardianship and 57 counts of Violation of Milford Penal Code 682 Section 100 Article 34 Clause 12 ‘Failure to Appear on Comic Strip Site at a Reasonable Appointed Time Without Prior Consent’. Such violations are punishable by a fine of not more than $20,500 or 6-10 years in Milford Maximum Security or both.”

Fred Karenna now setting up an account through Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union.

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Man, how long has Gil been in that Port-o-Pot? Heck, in this place, it’s one great big toilet. I know those contraptions hold at least a hundred gallons of water…”

4 Comments »

  1. Big game? Check.

    Home opener against a tough opponent? Check.

    Gilberto’s punishing, methodical “Three yards and a cloud of dust” offense which makes hyper-conservative Woody Hayes look like Steve Spurrier? Check.

    Our dueling protagonists whom the entire game balances on facing a fast, disciplined, hard-hitting, kamikaze blitz-happy run defense with a very unpleasant “8-in-the-box” scheme (likely a 5-3 or 4-4)? Check…

    SO OF FUCKING COURSE THESE ASSCLOWNS ARE DISCUSSING THE NEW “IT GIRL” AT SCHOOL IN THE PREGAME LOCKER ROOM!!! Shouldn’t they be more focused on just surviving the next 48 minutes? Hormones or no hormones, how the hell you gonna have a sex-a-lympics with Peppermint Patty in the back of mom’s Chevy Tahoe when both your legs are about to be broken and your ballsack stomped into a mess of orange marmalade?!

    (As an aside, I really do hope Rubin goes all out and has Patty announce that she likes both girls and guys so the entire volleyball team can start infighting over who gets to pull the mussel from Patty’s shell first…)

    So is Truman Standish pitching for Tampa Bay in the postseason or no?

    Comment by hitorque — October 1, 2020 @ 12:12 pm

  2. Yeah. Great idea! Let’s not worry about the game for now. We can worry about that later. I’d rather talk about thunder thighs and what her deal is. It’s just too intriguing

    Comment by franku2016 — October 1, 2020 @ 1:32 pm

  3. True is probably not doin’ shit either. 13th round RHP: check; injured shoulder: check; using a big-mouth prima-donna @ 20$/hour to help with rehab: check; not being taken seriously by team player development staff: check

    Comment by franku2016 — October 1, 2020 @ 2:26 pm

  4. […] precise of Rubin, no?) in the fourth quarter after Rapp’s TD pass put the Mudlarks up 28-13. Thursday before last they were up 21-6 when Thayer muffed the exchange. The Ballard Bruins marched right down the field […]

    Pingback by Oh. | This Week in Milford — October 10, 2020 @ 7:58 pm


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