This Week in Milford

October 6, 2020

Throw The TD And Run.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:26 am

This is the story of a punk QB playin’

Didn’t listen to a word Coach was sayin’

Monday morning, hoo, gonna run some laps

Gonna take some time for Gil to forget this flap


Go on, throw the TD and run

Go on, throw the TD and run

Run Rapp Run

Go on, throw the TD and run

Go on, throw the TD and run

All righty then, let me get my take on the situation out of the way.

I understand everybody has their own style and philosophy in relation to coaching. That said, I learned as a coach that if you let a kid override you, he or she will do so in crucial times when what you had to say makes perfect sense. If they don’t learn to carry out what you want when the game’s a blowout, they won’t carry it out in the bottom of the inning and they’re the winning run. Speaking from experience.

So when Marty Moon does his obligatory second-guessing as he is doing today, bear in mind, he’s a broadcaster, not a coach.

My problem is that far too many times, Gil has let the pirates run the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. Look no further than Heather Burns. She was a bored malcontent on the girls soccer team. To quote from “An Officer and a Gentleman”, she let the other girls be better than her. She made NO effort to up her game. It was a mutual parting of the ways with her soccer coach.

So then she becomes the water girl, then next thing you know, she’s reciting from Gil’s playbook. Okay, her dad played college football. Whoop-dee-dah. My dad is a genius (believe me) with the workings of the engine core business and can quote the year for an auto part for a particlar model or make. Probably why we do a lot of brisk business selling motors on EBay. Buyers are more comfortable talking to people who know what they’re talking about.

But if you expect me to fix the pistons on your Toyata Camry because you forgot to put Quaker State 10W40 in the pinhole, you are going to be SOL. Sure, I’ll open the hood of your Freightliner semi-tractor, but you’re the one that’s going to have to shut it. Don’t look for me or Mimi to bring the toolbox and adjust the high-side gears. The chances of my looking under the hood of Gil’s Snapper riding mower are less than the probabilty I’ll be displaying Marty’s Richie Cunningham wardrobe.

And so Gil, as long as you’re going to understandably lambaste Johnny Reb, I have a few skeletons to drag out while you’re drinking Folgers on your soap box. Heather Burns had no business in your office discussing sight adjustments with the other coaches when she wouldn’t take orders at a sport she failed at due to lack of effort. But sadly enough, she was just as good as down at Milford Lounge ordering Pabst while talking over the way the defense lined up on a 3-4-3. Are you all going to Six Flags over Milford for the Coaches Convention? I can’t see her and Coach Kaz in a log flume. Oh, this is all wet, all right. At least Coach Shaw paid his dues even if he only shows up after dark or at all.

So as long as this do-as-I-say-except-if-it’s-Heather-because-her-dad-manned-the-stretcher-for-the-Mudlarks tirade is in full swagger, it wouldn’t have hurt to see her and Pelwicki run a few around the track to remind them they’re still kids. But you know what they say about kids raising kids, even if the kids win, 28-13. Make sure it’s Decaf while you’re watching Johnny Reb serve his time, Chief Kid of Romper Room.

Gang, this shows how ignorant I am. I truly did not know that it is illegal to use a fork for fried chicken in Georgia. Don’t be like the 91-year-old man at a KFC in Athens who got cited by the Athens police. We assume this was all in fun. Otherwise

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Detained After Incident At The Bucket!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three Squad Cars Called To The Scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Because I used a spork on my Bucket 3-Piece All Dark Meat Delight? They were generous enough to let me finish my mashed potatoes out of that little Dixie cup. Still called Cochrane.”

What in the world is going on in Marty’s booth, if you even want to call it that. Janitor’s closet with a view. Is he calling the game with a flashlight? I pray that the 4th quarter stats are at hand. If he sneezes, and the papers go flying, he better have extra batteries. Us Thorpiverse veterans like to see him begging but I’d rather not see him on all fours trying to locate Rapp’s numbers. Yeah, both got it done but the payback was Hell. But Marty won’t be runnin’ because the Mudlark Press Guide is behind the fridge.

And while Marty is second-guessing Coach Thorp (tell us something new and original) utilizing a desk lamp, what are the Post-It notes doing in Luhm’s abode, er, broadcast booth? What honest-to-God purpose could they be serving?

“Marty, be sure you take your dirty underwear with you the next time you have a tryst. It was embarrassing to explain to the Milford Junior Football League officials what they were doing there.”

“Marty, don’t leave pizza crusts all over the desk. We had to call Milford Pest Control to do some extra spraying.”

“Marty, Honeydoll, would you stop by the store and get some Sara Lee Honey Wheat Bread and some 2% milk? Oh, and some dog biscuits. Ko Ko is chewing on the divan pillow again. Love, Peaches.”

“Marty, Is Mr. Dr. Pearl’s sleeping bag still there? We’ve not been able to find it after I made sleep in the garage but he came there because the garage was getting de-fogged for fleas.”

“Marty, I never said Mimi molested her point guard. And my wife is perfectly content with the 5-game schedule, thank you. Cross-check the information next time.”

If ya gotta run laps cuz ya forgot to put on yore jock strap again and the gym teacher can see yore private parts all the way from Alabama, ya might be a redneck.

Now at practice arose a controversy

Evidently two buttholes with no mercy

They oughta shut up and let the wins do the talking

They and Gil better stand and get walking


Go on, throw the TD and run

Go on, throw the TD and run

Lead Gil Lead

Go on, throw the TD and run

Go on, throw the TD and run

That’s right, Coach, take charge NOW, something you should have done when Mike Knappe got anal sex by Dr. Pearl or when Heather Burns practically bullied her way as one of the assistant coaches (yup, put her in charge of game film) or when Teddy DeMarco tried to sabotage Chris Schuring’s reputation. Then you played Captain Kangaroo when it was clear True Standish would be facing odds longer than Dr. Pearl’s age (12th century or 13th century, I forgot which) trying to make a Major League Baseball team at arguably one of the tougher positions to play after having little preparation since he played another sport for years and in college, no less. Trying to avoid a middle linebacker on a blitz is not the same as avoiding a come-backer at 100MPH.

“Bunny Rabbit, he has excellent location, doesn’t he? He’ll be a long reliever for certain.”

But okay, you for once laid the hammer down. They saw you coming and they stepped aside. Saint Peter, don’t you call me, cuz I can’t go. This schmuck owes me 100 laps and his soul to the company store.

But why stop at drinking coffee?

“And after the 100th lap, I’ll have my suit back from Milford Dry Cleaners. Then you can do 1000 knuckle push-ups while I’m texting Mimi about Keri’s part as Robin Goodfellow in A Midsummer’s Night Dream and why Marty would be good as Francis Flute the Bellows-Mender. And after breakfast, you can shine all my gym shoes I’ve worn for 60 years, including the ones I wore when we won the State in ’75, with an Oral-B toothbrush. And you can’t use shoe polish. You have to cleaning solution from Coach Kaz’s contact lenses. Then at lunch, you have to eat Twinkies dipped in lentil soup washing it down with diet prune juice. That’ll put hair on your chest and put a damper on your attitude.”

Weeeeeelllll, dogie, remind me to use a cell phone to call Gil on the sidelines to make sure we’re on the same page. No audibles in the foreseeable future from this end of things.

Gene Rayburn is back to return sanity to its rightful place. The stage is yours, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she did 1000 knuckle push-ups because she threw a ___________________________.”

And just when I thought Thorpiverse art had reached new lows, P2 reminded me that trends are getting established every day.

Can anyone around here play this game or draw a tree? Casey Stengal could have taken a stab at the first question but the artwork today strangely resembles the talent level of the ’62 Mets. Go to your nearest nature preserve and I promise you, you will never see sugar maples bonded together with Elmer’s Glue. And a conglomerate of redwoods will never tower over the post-game celebration like the blob about to devour the high school for an appetizer. Jackson Pollack meets a gigantic paramecium at high noon.

Then there’s our victory-two-pronged celebrant who got his arm knocked askew because Thorpiverse was trying to fit it in the panel. Thorpiverse, if you need to cram Gil’s hair into the square, use a bobby pin.

And you might want to make 2-point conversions your point of emphasis this week, Coach. Only a flubberized ball could clear those goal posts. They could shake hands with the epoxied hackberries.

“Marty, You’ll have to eat your Bucket Crab Legs with your hands. Remember the Milford City Code 802 they passed last week at the City Council Meeting. I don’t want the S.W.A.T. team in the broadcast booth.”

And what is Rapp going to say to Chief Got-No-Clu-Ah on Monday?

“Coach, I know you called an off-tackle but The Sopranos said they’d shoot my leg off with a sawed-off shotgun if I didn’t run a buttonhook. And Ozzie and Harriett Nelson said if I didn’t hand off to Little Ricky in the wishbone that I go to bed without any supper. And Dr. Pearl threatened another illegal search of my locker if I didn’t throw the bomb.”

“All right, I’ll talk to The Sopranos. And you’re not starving. Go back to the huddle.”

And they lived happily ever after.

“Who’s that man that just walked out of the spaceship? I wonder if Elvis is with him?”

“Oh, that’s Coach Thorp and his MTV jacket. He is working with Mystery Science Theater. The trees from Mars were a dead giveaway.”

“…and you have to be in Dr. Pearl’s office to stare at her for a half hour when she’s not using cold cream or Clearasil…”

“And the Mudlark’s are victorious, no thanks to Coach T.’s leadership. I’ll be back to talk about the W after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“As people get older, it becomes more difficult to execute the simplest of functions. This includes attempting to enter in the bath tub after a long day.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and when I saw my wife attempt to wind down, I was reminded of a shriveled prune entering Lethe. Charon refused to ferry her across the River Styx.

I could not do anything about the Garden of Eden when it was confronted by the Dust Bowl but I could make it safe for my wife to enter the bathing area. That’s why I called Milford Bath Magic, Inc. and inquired about a walk-in tub. The lovely people of Milford Bath Magic promptly sent a sales representative to explain our options.

Our first concern was whether they could proffer a tub that could roughly match the dimensions of our own bathing construction. No problem, our representative informed us. They would match the size to a shower head fixture. The chain saw might produce a slight overload of sound but our representative assured us that they complied with Milford Noise Ordinance regulations. He exclaimed with a dash of bravado that they could hammer in a Moen faucet without firing a shot. He explained that all construction crew go throigh intense training at company expense.

We also asked whether we could change tubs later in case the tub proved too small for when we had guests stay overnight and married couples might find the rectangle a tad cramped. Sure, the representative responded. If the tub was too small, they could exchange tubs in as little as one day and a large tub was a snap to install. It was simply a matter of unstapling the brads, pull the tub away, reverse the process, voila, a Kohler tub was ready to run its course before our grandkids got there. That’s crucial when you have siblings hurling Mr. Bubble at each other.

We also like to, as the youngsters quip with a great amount of liberality, chill out. And nothing will satiate that easy peaceful feeling better than a Jacuzzi. Sometimes, my wife and I love to endure a tender moment alone. And trips to Milford City Park throwing croutons at the mallards just isn’t sufficient.

Our representative understood. And he managed to install a watertight sump pump which they installed under the shelf of blankets in the linen closet my grandmother knitted for me when K-Mart got too expensive. In fact, the whole operation was watertight, a profitable venture since we don’t care to have liquidation leaking to our neighbor’s dog house. That cocker spaniel would be in lamentations all night and you’d never get any sleep.

Be that as it may, my wife and I have recovered that Romantic Battery Jump, thanks to that undulating massage only a Jacuzzi can provide. And with a warranty by American Standard, we are reassured that this romantic spark won’t collapse through the floor to the basemant. We still have sexual issues to iron out but the representative pointed out that was out of his bailiwick. He sells tubs, not intimacy.

The remaining concern was cost. We chose a plan for $12,500 because we only had to pony up one of our certificates of deposit for collateral. The representative mentioned that with our credit history that our CD was safe, especially because we had 17,582 certificates of deposit through Milford Federal Credit Union but we didn’t want our ATV repossessed. We took vacations in the Everglades, you understand.

And if you order your walk-in tub before the end of this month, Milford Bath Magic will send you through UPS absolutely free a pin-up poster of Wink Martindale walking into one of these state-of-the-art bathtubs. No better way to endorse fine craftsmanship and technology than a sexy game show host who’s been around the horn. And no worries, Ladies and Gentlemen, he will be wearing a towel.

My grand people, you owe it to yourself to get your own walk-in tub. With affordable payment plans and a superior product, seeing my wife naked has brought meaning. And your dreams can come true also at the experts who can build on those dreams and make bathing fun and inexpensive. Only at Milford Bath Magic, Inc.”

Gang, I know that you want Gil to give Rapp the belt but Gil can’t do that with a Sanka in his hand.

God bless you, Gang.

This concludes this grievous song of justice

Cut the cord and let all get busted

Gil’s a butt and the players are all woeful

May as well be playing in a rowboat


Go on, throw the TD and run

Go on, throw the TD and run

Row Team Row

Go on, throw the TD and run

Go on, throw the TD and run

Scoot Gil Scoot…

“Marty, you got security at the Milford Nudist Colony east entrance. You’re switching with Joe.”


  1. Yesterday, it was mentioned that Corina was gonna’ get moist panties when she sees how this kid is dissin’ Gil…that will be even more true when she hears about Gil disciplining his ass for ignoring his boring play calling and doing his own thing. Even though she’s been pretty useless up to now, Corina might make this story interesting after all. Meanwhile, Rap is thinking about Mimi’s panties…if Gil is gonna’ be at the field, Rap is thinking “…well, he might be kicking me off the team, so I might as well go get with Mimi since she’s open to that…”

    Comment by franku2016 — October 6, 2020 @ 11:03 am

  2. 1. Running laps at 0600? Fuck that shit! What is this, the swimming team? Just put his ass so far down the depth chart that he can’t see sunlight and be done with it…

    2. So does Gilberto stay quiet and accept the adulations for another victory, or does he openly admit some 17-year-old undermined his coaching authority all in the name of getting in between the thicc thighs of some bitchy wannabe smartassed tomboy transfer student? Who knows? Maybe the captain of the defense (whoever that is) will start getting ideas above his station as well?

    3. The real fun happens next week when the crowd and Martinez Luna ask why Gilberto didn’t show the same “killer instinct” by opening up the playbook or airing it out…

    Comment by Hitorque — October 6, 2020 @ 12:37 pm

  3. Love the guy in the background in P2 hooking them horns. Maybe Marty interviews our hero after the game and Rapson spills the beans on dumb ass Gil. Then we’ll really have something here. “Gil Thorp is punishing his best player because he calls better plays than the Almighty Thorp!”
    6:00 AM?! Don’t forget your butter knife, Rapson. If Gil had any sense he’d punish the whole team instead of just Rapson. That would make everyone accountable and less likely having player going rouge. And Gil could buy everyone donuts. And Kaz could bring the milk. And…

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 6, 2020 @ 3:40 pm

  4. Coffee my ass. Gil loves the smell of rotgut in the morning.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 6, 2020 @ 6:36 pm

  5. Not a defense of Rapson, but if there were just under three minutes to play when he called his audible, that was plenty of time for Ballard to get the ball back, march downfield and score. Look how quickly they scored after the botched fumble. Still if Gil’s four-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust offense was rolling along all game, no reason to stop it now.

    Today’s post forthcoming directly.

    Comment by teenchy — October 7, 2020 @ 5:54 am

  6. Gil is a ball-less wimp….why is he waiting until Monday to light this kid up?…he needs to bitch-slap his ass right now, in front of the team, to show everyone who’s boss.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 7, 2020 @ 7:04 am

  7. I don’t know a single high school coach who would tolerate what Rapson did. Unless audibles are part of the playbook and the kid can explain why he used the one he did, he’s lucky Gil didn’t cut him on the spot.

    Comment by vaganova — October 7, 2020 @ 10:29 am

  8. I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Gang, You have been en fuego lately. Don’t get me wrong, you have always done an excellent job but it was just absolutely SCINTILLATING today. I read your stuff and love every minute of it. This is what Democracy is all about. I live for Freedom of Expression and you all were exemplars of that today. I swear, I stand by the TWIMer contributors.

    God bless you, Gang. I am nothing without you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 7, 2020 @ 1:43 pm

  9. Hello

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 7, 2020 @ 3:15 pm

  10. […] back to Tuesday, there was 2:49 left (very precise of Rubin, no?) in the fourth quarter after Rapp’s TD pass put the Mudlarks up […]

    Pingback by Oh. | This Week in Milford — October 10, 2020 @ 7:58 pm

  11. Hi

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 14, 2020 @ 9:10 am

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