This Week in Milford

October 13, 2020

Why Do Fools Fall For This Gir-rlllllll?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:37 pm

Gil Thorp

Gil Thorp Thorp

Gil Thorp

Gil Thorp Thorp

Ooooooooo wah

Ooooooooo wah

Oooooooooo wah

Oooooooooo wah

Oooooooooo wah

Oooooooooo wah

Why is this tripe so amiss?

Why do fools fall for this?

Why do ‘Larks sing and kiss?

Lovers that are hit or miss

Why do they fall, a lady not in lo-oooovvvee

Football’s now a losing game

Two guys hang it all in shame

She’s seen dumbass fools before

But never knocking at her door

Tell me why fools fall for this…

Why people feel the need to park at the gas pump to play the slot machines inside…

Today’s headline inbthe Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Racks Up Huge Fines With The City Of Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’ve been towed by the City out of BP before. I’ll just take it out of what I won at the Roulette Wheel at Milford Fun ‘n’ Food Casino.”

I’m not EVEN going to ask. I mean, a lot of guys are behind the 8-ball anyway with Corina but if there were a first time for everything, I wouldn’t crack the ice with Corina raiding my mother’s drawer. Terry is really dressed to impress today. The L’eggs Black Egg Collection is sure to please even the most skeptical of outlooks. Remind me to wear a tie the next time I put on my Bozo outfit. And can’t forget the cologne. Brut Faberge, if you have any.

I absolutely refuse to break into Dr. Pearl’s house and steal stocking she wore at the Salem Witch Trial. And Terry, nobody wore adidas when they set foot on Plymouth Rock. God almighty, I’d hate to have her and Gil raid somebody’s locker THIS time. Nair to shave his legs with, oh brother. Well, I guess that’s better than shaving with butter knives.

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon today. They were at their usual busiest and in fact, they were pushing in another car as I was leaving. Busy, busy, busy. But one of the mechanics still said “Hello” to me. Service. With great gasoline at great prices, Gang, get your butt on down if you are in the area. Take I-64 in Indiana until you get to Exit 118. Once you get off, take Indiana 62 until you get to the first road and hang a left. It’s also visible from the highway. Come on in and say “Hi” to Crystal.

Support Small Business. You need to go where everybody knows your name. Crystal ALWAYS says “Hello” to me.

And this will work the rapport between Rapp and some surly snit at a fever pitch, bring Moose Mason along. Don’t worry, Rapp, Moose is dating Midge. No need to be concerned that Moose will wrap Corina like he’s stopping her short on 3rd and long even if you are deluded by Moose treating his textbooks like a tackling dummy.

I can’t think of a better way of being Robin Goodfellow and slinging her with a love potion than Moose flinging his Chemistry 101 lab notebook at her. She’ll be in his arms by the 3rd panel.

“Duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh, did you know you have shoe polish all over your private parts?”

“Moose, here’s a 50. I hear the bookstore is having a sale on #2 pencils and “Cliff’s Notes on the SAT.”

If ya is fightin’ fer the same 600-pound porker who’s got breasts that Phineas Fogg rodein around the world even she’s playin’ hard to get cuz she only dates guys who feed from the same trough, ya might be a redneck.

And Gang, you remember The Flintstones episode where Fred is shrunk to a doll-size (can’t remember why) but, to make lemonade out of lemons, Barney and Fred do a ventriloquist act, to the point where, even when Barney is drinking a glass of water, Fred is still speaking as he is sitting on Barney’s lap. And Barney shows up on the equivalent of The Ed Sullivan Show and intro’s the act by saying “Hey, Fred, say hello to the funny people”. “Hello, funny people.”

And Rapp might as well be that doll sitting on Moose’s lap.

” Rapp, what do you have to say to this bitchy woman?”

“Hello, bitchy woman. You have any lunch money? Moose is broke and I forgot my lunch.”

Mimi can’t

Mimi can’t coach

Mimi can’t

Mimi can’t coach

Tell me why, why, why

Tell me why

Why the Mudlarks reek so bad

‘Cause the focus on football is just plain sad

Why do they perceive it as a fa-aaaadddd

Why does our hearts skip a beat

It happens when common sense meets defeat

Tell me why, why, why…

“Gil, you couldn’t coach your way out of a pig’s intestine and your playbook looks like Etch-a-Sketch!!!!!!!!!!”

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Moose threw his voice drinking Gatorade!!!!!!!!!!! On Moon’s show for sure!!!!!!!!! He’ll take Bobby’s old slot.”

At the Thorp household one evening

DING DONG

“Hey, Mr. Dr. Pearl, what’s up?”

” Mr. Thorp, can The Missus and I park in your driveway? We’re feeling lucky so we’re headed to Milford Bingo Parlor. We’ll give you a tenth of our earnings.”

“Sure. In fact, you can park it in the garage next to the back issues of The Saturday Evening Post.”

THE BLOB IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! In P2, it is roaming the hallways once again heading to Physics Lab where they are going to study Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion. They ought to be Exhibit A in that particular concept. A blob that’s still in motion does so unless another force stops it or makes it change direction. Get out of the way, Gil, unless you want to get swalled up while it’s changing direction. For every action, there’s a reaction. Yeah, if Dr. Pearl and her 1,647,497 reports in her arms were to see the creature coming down the hallway, eating up Ms. Rizk’s typewriter and Ms. Rizk per se, I’d say Dr. Pearl would be racing her ass off in the other direction. With her reports, of course. Can’t forget those.

“Oh look, here comes The Blob. They pay the ticket for our act. Let’s be nice to the financiers of our food on the table. Okay, Fred Rapson, say ‘Hello, Blobby People’.”

“Hello, Blobby People!!!!!!!!!!”

And in P3, to quote Buddy Holly, oh boy, the Failing to Continuing to Impress rendition is at warp speed. And with Rapp lying out his wazoo that he enjoyed Coach Thorp’s workouts, allow me to translate what Rapp is REALLY saying

“Hey, Girlie Girlie, My name is (wheeze) Terry Rapson and (gasp for air) this is my dim-witted friend, Moose Mason, who’s pretending he’s slow-dancing to ‘Endless Love’ with a date. I just (retch) wanted to say (hack and cough) that if you ever want (vomit in the waste basket) to go out on a date (huff, puff) before me and Moose do a (cough and regurgitate) gang-rape with you, call (KERFLUUUUIIIEEE) me. Here’s my number.”

God, no wonder why Corina is about to lose her eyeball on the floor.

“Gee, Kaz, you don’t have to park your Jeep here at the Milford 7-11 pump. Milford Dog Racing has plenty of free parking.”

“I need to get some milk and eggs anyway.”

“You know, us senior citizens many times find it difficult and frustrating to perform even the simplest of tasks. That’s why when I advertised for and their wonderful product, the walk-in bath and shower, I didn’t expect the overwhelming response and I’m sure they equivalently surprised. Apparently, many geriatrics out there render it difficult to high-jump the tub. We understand.

And Milford Bath Magic, Inc. underwent an interesting study and the results were equivalently astonishing. They found that many senior citizens like to follow their favorite teams, like Milford Community College right here in our environs. And they were so fanatical, such as the Homecoming game with Notre Dame, that they were at all the tailgate parties. Geriatrics and good eatin’ and going bananas for the home team just went hand-in-hand. Senile people being true to their school.

And Milford Bath Magic also discovered that with all the running around with the grandkids at Six Flags over Milford or taking in “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” at Milford Cineplex that they didn’t have time to shower before a Date with the Fightin’ Irish. Well, leave it to the experts like Milford Bath Magic to extract a solution.

For those with automobiles, they created a fixture that could be attached to the car and with engineering techniques designed to drain the water at the sewer openings in the stadium parking lot. Just line up the U-Haul mini-trailer over the opening, you can take your quickie with Lifebuoy and Prell, in 5 minutes, problem solved. You smell clean, your A-Game on your person, ready to grill some hot dogs and hamburgers and onion rings while the shower water is safely disposed of. The EPA gave high marks on the last concept. Like hamburgers that go safely and smoothly down your esophagus without muddying the liquids along the way. Safe practices. And like the car that you take on your Winnebago on vacation, the Shower Power trailer is easily hitched to just about any car emanating off the assembly line. There were admittedly troubles joining Saabs to said product but one can’t have your got dog and the rout of Notre Dame too.

But a few of you have pick-ups. Not a problem. In fact, for the cost of overhauling your Moped, you can have a modular installed on your truck bed. Isn’t it nice to cart the grandkids around in the back while heading to The Everglades for a picnic, going to the senior social at Milford Lifetime Adult Activities Center for some bridge and shuttleboarding, then sliding your washing apparatus on the back for the MCC conference opener? It’s nice to have piece of mind, knowing that you can alight from the tailgate fresh as a tomato off the vine. Devouring a cheese bratwurst and pickled french fries with your senior cohorts before kickoff, life is good.

And if you get your Walk-In Tub installed on your vehicle before Halloween, Milford Bath Magic will include you in a group photo with Wink Martindale prior to the Alabama contest. We might endure another 70-3 carnage but rubbing elbows with a game show host who might have a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame and assurance that we have a competent field goal kicker to avert annual shutouts with the Crimson Tide is something that belongs to the ages.

Come get your own defense against the wicked elements that threaten to drag us down to our malicious arm pits today and see what Milford Bath Magic has to proffer at an affordable conjecture. I think you will encounter a most auspicious experience. But you have to tow your own Garden of Eden.

Gang, I disagree. I don’t think Moose’s board scores will get him into Dartmouth. And he’s going to be disappointed. But God bless you anyway. You mean the world to me.

“Gil, somebody’s at the door. They’re wondering if they can park by the verandah.”

“I’ll be out in a second. I have to wee-wee.”

4 Comments »

  1. By the look on Corina’s face, the fact that they dared talk to her has her ready to snap, so before that happens, let’s count up CK’s qualities/non-qualities; 1.) She’s a little on the hefty side, big ass, thighs, etc. 2.) She’s always got a scowl on her face 3.) She’s got an attitude towards just about everyone who talks to her, especially those who are simply trying to be friendly 4.) She’s a basic bitch 5.) She really insists she transferred to Milford for the sake of her mom, who has never been shown. I’m sure that I could come up with more but these first five are all anyone needs to know. That being said, why are dumb and dumber here still trying to befriend her or more? In the real world, no guy with an IQ of higher than 65 would pursue this hot mess. Even if these clowns showed up at a volleyball match, it wouldn’t matter to her. She would find something else to whine about.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 13, 2020 @ 1:30 pm

  2. Let’s back up and speculate about the reasons Corinna Kareninadanna might have ended up in reform school. None of them are things most of us would willingly undertake. So let’s give the kid some slack. The laws of comic strip plotting pretty well dictate that she will pair off with one of the two quarterbacks (unless a recently paroled drunk driver causes a crash which kills her.) We have the makings of an interesting triangle here. Thayer is clearly interested in this girl whose like he has not seen before and is making clumsy advances (guarantee he will be at the next volleyball game) while Terry Rapson’s self-parodying advances leave his intentions in question. This plot has potential even if recent history leads us to think Whigrub will allow it to coast to a stop.

    Comment by vaganova — October 13, 2020 @ 2:20 pm

  3. You forgot #6 which is all you have to do to get Peppermint Patty in a decent mood is offer her a free meal.

    Comment by Hitorque — October 13, 2020 @ 11:05 pm

  4. You all came through once again. I am so blessed.

    Frank, an excellent outline about the way things are going. Lately, you’ve been hard-hitting with some calculated cold hard facts and that is sweetening the deal, My Friend. Bravo!!!!!! Keep it up.
    Vaganova, you too have brought up some interesting angles lately that are funny and make you think. They have really given us a perspective to explore and pursue within our own repertoire. That’s why I like your comments, you hit things at different takes and speeds. It makes the commentary better and spicier. I like I like.
    Hitorque, you KNOW how I feel about your no-holds-barred insights. I like how you expound upon certain topics and give them the justice they deserve. I have enjoyed and soaked in your analyses and feel blessed I have this on my sight. You da Man.

    Kumiyama, thank you for the “Like”, My Man. People like you give me the confidence that I need. Your encouragement fuels my fire to continue.

    God bless you all. You make Democracy happen.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 15, 2020 @ 11:59 am


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