This Week in Milford

October 29, 2020

Grab Your Emergency Helmet, You’re Mopping Up.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 9:34 am

Now I’ve seen it all. EMERGENCY QUARTERBACK???? Thorpiverse, if the game is getting out of hand and based on the captions that stretch things occasionally, that’s the case, I’ve heard of 3RD-STRING quarterbacks, I’ve heard of reserve quarterbacks, I’ve heard of Darren McBride quarterbacks (going back to the days, admittedly) who took the starting quarterback’s place even though McBride had a serious heart condition because Gil was too much of a dumbass to develop OTHER quarterbacks because he was too busy teaching life’s lessons to the rest of the team (“…and remember, ALWAYS have something to fall back-hold on, what’s up. Our starter injured his knee tripping over a bucket? Again? What are we going to do for this Friday’s game?”) , but EMERGENCY QUARTERBACK???? Less time at the Lounge, more time on the practice field, Gil. You might learn something.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Sneaks His Nephew Out Of The Bleachers In Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nephew Scores Winning TD!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The other team filed a protest but it won’t stand. Each team is allowed one emergency utility player per season.”


You old-timers know of what I speak. Blondie and Dagwood could be in the Milford Department Store arguing over whether to buy boxers for him or L’eggs for her and the janitorial crew, some unshaven, some smoking stubby cigars, some both, staring at Blondie and Dagwood sparing with each other. Or Dagwood could be at the gas station and Dagwood wants unleaded in the car but Blondie wants gasohol and while they are at an impasse over the issue, passers-by that looked like they got stoned at Mick Jagger’s latest party watch the couple in apparent consternation. Or Dagwood could want Will to start at QB and Blondie want Rapp with Gil and Kaz and Coach Shaw and Dr. Pearl and Mr. Rooney staring in the background, well, I think you get the gist of it.

But what Chic Young-induced character is in the background today? Gil with a beard he bought at Milford Novelty Shop? Some redneck who lost his way to the Talladega 500? What on earth could he possibly be doing there besides taking up space? I’m pretty sure it’s not the Galloping Gourmet in disguise, about to slip a recipe for meat loaf in the referee’s pocket.

Then there’s the angle. Granted, Thayer (assuming) could be throwing to the side but with the intensity and presence of mind he has in his face and in the pass, that BETTER NOT BE DR. PEARL about to receive the pass. Unless she steel-plated her dentures.

So with the notion that he is throwing downfield, what are the referee and Captain Kangaroo disguised as Waylon Jennings doing IN the background???? The referee has an excuse. Mr. Jennings can’t say he was looking for Buddy Holly, Big Bopper, and Richie Valens after the plane crashed. That was in Iowa and nobody has established that Milford is in the Hawkeye State. Oh, I know, he IS a coach and he forgot to return to the sideline after the ringing out the referee on the last call.

Or he can bail out and say he was another cheap Dagwood Background Character who was watching Gil and Kaz argue over the bar tab at Milford Lounge. Flimsy but workable.

If ya is in the background when you wuz watchin’ yore 3-year-old shoot his first clay pigeon ta smithereens with a semi-automatic rifle, beatin’ Gil and Kaz at the Milford Conservation Club Open Shoot,ya might be a redneck.

And the Milford receiver has a right to dance the schottische like they do at Milford Oktoberfest, they’re so far ahead, leastwise that’s what the captions say. But like Steve Martin said about cats, do you trust them?

We’re just going with Thorpiverse’s word but a plot that was about to develop into a virtual sibling rivalry at the quarterback spot got diverted to two guys blubbering and slobbering after a female who possesses zero tact, intense volleyball talent, and a shaky hand when it comes to Uno? Better check that orange 3 card in your mom’s sleeve, Ms. Attitude.

And now we have Mr. Emergency Quarterback about to enter the scene. Equivalent to taking Nick the Bottom Weaver’s role in that ridiculous play about Oberon and Titania in “A Midsummer’s Night Dream”, I am holding my breath. A THIRD suitor to act like a dog in heat over Penelope With A Chip On Her Shoulder? Get on the field first and show some game before you start showing up at volleyball matches with a rise in your Levi’s. We haven’t even SEEN Mr. Emergency QB and visions of plots resembling the Mississippi River Delta are already on tap.

So the next time the captions say that Milford is up on Central, 105-0, at halftime, I’d do a little troubleshooting.

Gang, recently I listened to an ad from a local jewelry store announcing that if you weren’t satisfied with your diamond engagement ring or could find a cheaper ring, you received it free. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Mr. Dr. Pearl backing his car out of the driveway

“Honey Bun, may I ask what your purpose is?”

“I’m going back to Milford Diamond Supply. I saw an ad at Milford Flea Market, Darling Doll.”

More fun with geometry today. While our hero in P2 is performing the Milford Dance Hall Country Line Tush Push, check out the acute angle the fence is entrenched with in relation to the football field. I’m not holding my breath the day Thorpiverse ceases to draw athletic venues at the edge of the Cumberland Foothills. And I’m at a loss deciphering which direction the football is coming from. Safe to say, it has to be coming from the right; I never caught a pass in intramural football at its rear unless I forgot to bring my bifocals and my hand-eye coordination was off that day. But again, you gotta watch it with Thorpiverse. What if the score was 106-0 when T-verse said 105-0? Hey, as Coach Stuard taught me, it all counts towards the final score. And given that the football DID spout from the right side of the panel wall, why is the Central defense collapsing from the sidelines? God, no wonder why they’re winless. Trees that grow out of and into other trees and high school football players that jumped over the tilted fence to defend a pass. And Thorpiverse is STILL bull-jiving us on the score. I’ll just call Milford Enquirer for an update.

“Mommy, why is Daddy taking apart the vacuum cleaner?”

In the den at the Thorp residence

“I knew I stashed Mimi’s engagement ring in one of these hoses…”

4th Quarter

“…and Emergency is our 3rd-string QB.”

“Who is?”

“No, Kaz, Who is our 1st-string QB.”

“For what?”

“Damn it, Kaz, What is our 2nd-string QB.”

“In case of an emergency?”

“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Emergency is our 3rd-string QB.”


“THAT’S OUR FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“What if there is an emergency?”

“NOOOOOOO, TWO GUYS CAN’T PLAY ONE POSITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Who’s our running back?”

“Kaz, don’t you read the roster? Who is our 1st-string quarterback and Tomorrow is our running back.”

“I gotta know today, Gil.”

“Today is the principal’s assistant.”

“We have a principal’s assistant today? What’s that got to do with football?”

“Today calls the School Board in case Dr. Pearl gets sick.”

“Why do I care if Dr. Pearl gets caught in an emergency?”


“Why is Dr. Pearl our emergency quarterback? You didn’t even give her a tryout.”

Gene Rayburn is back to knock some sense into this plot. The stage is yours, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought the slanted fence at the end of the field kept in the ___________________________.”

And speaking of game show hosts, I will croak if this Fleming dude a/k/a Emergency is the great-great-great grandson of Art Fleming, who hosted Jeopardy! back in the ’60’s and early ’70’s. From crack quarterback who only got his number called as a last resort to semi-popular game show host of The $20,000 Pyramid, gee, what a career. And it all started when Gil and Kaz decided to coach in the 4th quarter. Way to take charge, Gentlemen.

“And Coach T. is calling off the dogs and putting in his 4th-string quarterback. The whole squad will get some quality time here in the 4th quarter. With the score, Milford, 137, Central, 3, we’ll be bsck after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Folks, you know I would never run up the score. I would hope that you think I have more class than that. I offered to put in my middle school team so I wouldn’t embarrass both schools. Their coach said ‘No’. My concience is clear. But we had them in cleats and pads in the tunnel just in case that coach changed his mind.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and I’m not here to get on my high horse and pat myself on the back for sending our kindergartners against an overmatched opponent. I was listening on my radio one day while I was trimming the hedges and Milford Fine Jewelry Ltd. was flapping its jaws about how their stones were so wonderful that if you could find a 13 carat diamond necklace, ring, bracelet, crown on your tooth, etc., at a price cheaper than theirs, you would get that treasure free. God almighty, I had to settle the owner of The Warehouse down after he was cussing black and blue over such brazen tomfoolery.

Well, he could have taken them to task but no sense in throwing good money after ruby gemstones that land in the kitty litter box. Who wants a wedding band with Garfield’s poop all over it? No, he decided to call their bluff and up the ante. And you the customer might get some free golden bracelets and a Schlitz. Life is good.

So if you are getting married and you want to buy that JUST RIGHT wedding ring and you read that a 14-carat diamond mined from the choice pits of South Africa runs at a nominal rate off the shelves at Goodwill, The Warehouse will not only put the ring in your shopping cart but a bottle of Jim Beam 1.75 Liter Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey when you make a $20 purchase at the store. Great balls o’ fire, just bring a fifth of a $100 bill and buy a Busch Light 30-Pack in the 12-Oz. cans and my wedding is saved and I can celebrate with some hard liquor? You be the judge.

Now some of you have a hard time financing that class ring for the high school graduate in your family. Not a problem. Sometimes class rings are at fire sale prices at Milford Apothecary but word doesn’t get out fast enough. Not everybody has a high school senior going to MIT. We’ll fix their wagon and Milford Fine Jewelry Ltd.’s too. For a $15 purchase of Starborough Select, The Warehouse will add a case of Bud Light 12-Pack and the emerald-studded class ring for that lucky graduate about to enter the Welding Department at Milford Vocational & Trade School. Hey, gettingvthe difference on the price from those braggarts and knowing one day that grad might weld his refrigerator door back on the appliance at a fair rate, you know The Warehouse owner is getting the better end of the stick.

Now some of you don’t like to rush into things. You still want to live loose but still have the sure out by the end of the beach party. Hey, you’re among friends. With a $30 purchase of Tito’s Vodka in the 1.75 Liter bottles, The Warehouse will grace you with that $1000 engagement ring that sold for $2 at Milford Auction Services plus kick in a 24-Pack of Michelob Ultra in the 12-Oz. cans and EVEN give you a free 3-Lb. bag of Lays Sour Cream Potato Chips. With booze securely in the trunk, chips in the back seat and the ring in the ash tray, the only thing missing from this Rolls-Royce environment is a beautiful girl. Sorry, The Warehouse took her from that jewelry store as part of the deal.

Now some of you might not be getting married or graduating from reform school but if you’re thirsty, come on down and see what The Good Life has to offer. And if you can get her to have a change of heart, just bring the ad and we’ll call it square. I bet that jewelry store full of stuffed shirts wouldn’t even call a cab. Not for honest taxpayers just wanting a decent ring at a decent price. Come on down and see what we mean and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, the score was 125-0. I was there. I didn’t need to read captions.

God bless you, Gang. You make it happen.

“I don’t care who you put at quarterback, Gil. You can’t coach worth a damn.”

“I Don’t Care is at nose tackle, Kaz.”


  1. Yeah. ‘Emergency QB’? Wtf??? Once again, Rubin has outed himself concerning his lack of knowledge concerning sports, at any level, not just HS. (unless of course, Rap and Thayer are both injured and he left that part out just so he could show bitch-nose playing go fish with her mom).

    Comment by franku2016 — October 29, 2020 @ 10:03 am

  2. A 3rd stringer would be on the bench with the team. An emergency QB is in the back of the stands, selling hotdogs, which is why Kaz has to yodel.

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — October 29, 2020 @ 10:37 am

  3. Emergency QB used to be a player at some other position who could be pressed into QB duty if all the real QBs were injured. It used to be a thing in the NFL in the 45-man roster days when a team typically dressed two QBs each Sunday.

    Comment by Philip — October 29, 2020 @ 12:53 pm

  4. Philip is exactly right. In 1965, the Colts’ Johnny Unitas and his backup Gary Cuozzo were both injured and unable to play in the final regular season games against Chicago and Green Bay, and the Colts were finally knocked out of the playoffs by the Packers. For those three games, halfback Tom Matte, who had played quarterback for part of his time at Ohio State, filled in, the plays written on a card taped to his wrist.

    Comment by vaganova — October 29, 2020 @ 1:42 pm



    (And yes, I fully expect Gilberto’s hypocritical ass to report to the running track at 0600 Monday so he can run laps while I drink my Dunkin’)

    Comment by hitorque — October 29, 2020 @ 1:43 pm

  6. Sweetness himself was the “emergency QB” back in the 80’s for the Chicago Bears

    Comment by franku2016 — October 29, 2020 @ 2:18 pm

  7. I remember Walter as emergency QB frank. Maybe I don’t pay enough attention to QB’s these days but I don’t think they wear gloves like our hero in P1. It is nice of Kaz to make a guest yoldler appearance. What a turd. Nice Sergeant Slaughter chin on Gil in P3. I can only hope opposing coach throws a right cross and knocks his old ass out.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 29, 2020 @ 6:51 pm

  8. Tony Dungy came in as an emergency QB for the Steelers when Bradshaw and Kruczek got injured against the Oilers in 1977. Dungy was a rookie safety.

    Comment by nedryerson — October 30, 2020 @ 3:19 am

  9. Julian Edelman has been the Pats emergency QB for about 10 years. He’s 6/6 for 128 yds & a TD, so nobody is going to beat his rating.

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — October 30, 2020 @ 4:31 pm

  10. Right you are Downpuppy. JE was a QB in college, Kent State I think

    Comment by franku2016 — October 30, 2020 @ 8:26 pm

  11. […] will Gil save face, salvage the season, and stifle the controversy? I wouldn’t bet against emergency QB Leonard Fleming starting from here on out. Then the Mudlarks can truly be called Leonard’s […]

    Pingback by Soggy Milford Breakdown | This Week in Milford — November 15, 2020 @ 4:29 pm

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