This Week in Milford

November 3, 2020

Dump Your Attitude In The Chute With The Rest Of The Dirty Trays.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:49 am

Let’s get this one out of the way FIRST. Not being a volleyball expert, though I give the sport its due, it is pronounced LEE-buh-roh with a strong minority preferring Lih-BEAR-oh. I personally am going to go with the first pronunciation.

The libero was introduced in the late ’90’s as a welcome addition to strategy. The libero can only play defense, cannot block or spike the ball, but can dig for the spikers to spike. The libero also has to wear a different color shirt from his or her teammates to distinguish it from the rest of the players. The libero can substitute for any player on the court at any time BUT can only go back out for the player he or she substituted for. My guess was it helped a team that was on a roll to stay in a roll by shoring up its defense with a defensive specialist plus you had another fresh pair of legs that need only concentrate on setting things up the kills for the big dogs. That makes sense.

And leave it to Thorpiverse to play politics with this one by getting it mixed up with the word “Liberal”. Without wishing to espouse my personal views, it is with a great anount of doubt that Hilary Clinton or Allen Colmes will be the designated setter for some 6-8 gorilla to ram it down the other team’s throats.

Oh, I get it, T-verse was just trying to be funny. T-verse, with that kind of cheap humor, don’t quit your day job. Actually, you might want to quit that one too. I’m sure there’s plenty of LEE-buh-roh’s who would want to set things up to make a decent storyline. We’ve had enough of bad plots being shoved up our butts.

“Coming up next. Joseph Biden, the libero, will tell Pat Buchanan, the conservative, why cutbacks in volleyball in Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Leagues in the name of balancing the budget would only serve the rich who play volleyball.”

Can’t see it.

Congratulations to the Doobie Brothers getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. With songs like “Listen to the Music”, ” China Grove”, “What a Fool Believes”, and “Jesus is Just Alright”, they certainly made their mark on the airwaves in the ’70’s and early ’80’s. Long overdue.

I was bemused when I was on the elevator yesterday and I saw where the first floor had a star next to it. Apparently some people have a problem understanding when to get off the elevator

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Accidentally Stumbles Upon Exquisite Orgy-Party Thrown By Hugh Hefner At Milford Towers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was going to my dental appointment and I accidentally pressed the 37th floor when I wanted the 36th.”

And it’s bad enough that Jughead had to tote along his bag of hamburgers and spread them out all over the bleachers but now we got Moose practically playing Donkey Kong.

“Duuuuuuuuhhhhhhh, I didn’t know you got killed when a barrel came at ya.”

I have long been a supporter of women’s athletics, capped nicely by my high school recently winning another state championship in girl’s golf (I have also been a long-time opponent of a class-system in Tournament play-when you win, no sweeter feeling than to know you’ve beaten EVERYBODY) . I also had two nieces for cheerleaders.

But when the football team from my high school would go to a girls soccer match or girls volleyball match, they PAID ATTENTION TO THE GAME. They didn’t hit the pinball machine out in the hallway. Game over.

But let’s humor Thorpiverse and okay, T-verse, wink, wink, guys bring their cell phone and play Mario Brothers like Moose is doing or going to the concession stand and see if they can sneak pickles and onions off the condiment table like Jughead is doing because he’s too damn cheap. Moose Mason became the Pac-Man champion because he went through a volleyball season longer than the homer referees that Mimi signed to contracts. Reggie Mantle and Bootsy Collins will perform “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” at halftime in honor of James Brown. Mr. Lodge will be on vocals. Sounds like an event-filled evening. And if Milford wins, I understand Mr. Lodge and Mimi will sing another number from the Godfather of Soul “Get on the Good Foot”.

I saw a cartoon where Dennis the Menace had to sit in the corner because he flushed his socks down the toilet

“Dilton, what are you doing facing the wall? The match is this way. You missed a great spike by Milford.”

“Sorry, Archie, I just didn’t know those tube socks belonged to Coach Thorp. They were preeettttyyyyyy smelly.”

If ya use a liberal to help ya win yore Milford Foundry Company Volleyball League Title even tho he don’t like guns but ya win 2 cases of PBR as sort of a trade-off and ya git drunk with that liberal and Gil and Kaz, etc., ya might be a redneck.

And if football players are going to show no interest in the volleyball match, what better way of expressing your lack of interest when everybody ELSE is yellin’ their ass off (“RAL-LEEEE!!!!!!!!” “RAL-LEEEE!!!!!!!!!”) than to entertain yourself with Madden NFL?????? Do you get excited watching Corina setting up a fellow Mudlark for the kill or do you try to maneuver Lamar Jackson around Too Tall Jones on a quarterback draw? Or if a Mudlark comes up with a key block, is it really bigger than using your buttons to sack Cam Newton on a safety blitz? And honestly, can anyone see Moose Mason adept at a quarterback sneak by using his physical dexterity (mental dexterity is another can of worms) to shove Patrick Mahomes on a 4th-and-1? And Moose simultaneously watching Milford winning the set?

“Duuuhhhhhhhhhh, I pushed the button for Coach Thorp to send Charlie Roh on a fly. And he got called for holding. I think I’ll watch the game.”

Match, Moose. But you’re making progress. Milford wasn’t built in a day.

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Caught On Milford Condo Suites Elevator For Several Hours!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I went one floor too many. I thought the snack bar was on the same floor as the pedway.”

At the Thorp household one evening

“Mimi, I understand you have a Liberal on the team. You know if there’s one thing I won’t stand is some welfare cheesemouth serving the ball.”

“Gil, you need to stop going to the MCC Lounge after work and start coming to our matches. We have a JV game tomorrow.”

And HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THE MATCH??????? Rapp, you were too damn busy negotiating Mario and a football through an ocean full of creepies and ghoulies and sharks and jellyfish and Principal Ek’s body to even notice. Hey, I read recently “The Most Dangerous Game”, the classic short story about a man who has no feeling for the animal he kills getting hoisted by his own petard when he gets stuck on an island that is inhabitated by a lunatic who hunts humans for sport. This arrogant butthole becomes the lunatic’s next target.

So if you’re General Zaroff, Rapp, and you’re sizing up your prey as you have for several weeks when you’re not giving the lip to Coach Thorp, watch the damn match. Rainsford would have gone back to civilization and had a Victory Parade thrown for him by the time you got your head uncorked from your phone and your butthole and realized you’ll have no human to grind up for your pea soup. Do you have that much gall? Flirt with her, then watch The Flintstones when they’re changing sides, or otherwise?

“Coach Thorp, if you can escape my grasp and my bloodhounds by six in the morning, you’re a free man.”

“Will you throw in getting me to my staff meeting on time?”

And, boy, is P3 leaving an opening wider than a Gil truck to plow through. I’m just going to venture a few guesses as to what the sign is saying in the background.

“Please dispose of this dirty plot that smells worse than cow manure under a heat lamp after reading.”

I think someone is invoking The Mercy Rule but let’s try again

“Corinna, we don’t need any more of your dirty obnoxious attitude besmirching this strip. Only Maureen on All-You-Can-Eat-Lobster-Claws Day at The Diner exhibits a more piss-poor demeanor.”

True, but I don’t think the School Board would expend the necessary funds for that particular piece of signage.

“Gil, get your dirty mind out of the gutter when you’re watching Dr. Pearl wiggling her hips down the hallway. You have a wife, you know.”

Or

“Please place dirty Ho Ho’s, Twinkies, and trays here.”

Either one’s a long shot. Flip a coin.

Heard fifteen minutes before practice

“Kaz, I don’t care what my wife says. No Liberal will play strong safety on my team. They can get their own food stamps.”

“And that’ll wrap up the volleyball match here in Milford High School with Milford defeating Tilden 25-13, 25-17, 22-25, 25-16. I’ll have final stats in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Folks, the COVID-19 has hit sports events all over the country but the good news is that Milford Community College has been cleared by the Mayor of Milford to play this season under limited seating capacity guidelines. This includes tailgate parties.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage and why let people throwing up on their bumper keep the whole party from a-happening? Get a mop, shove it in the nearest drain in the parking lot and move on.

The MCC Football Stadium has been generous in their terms when it comes to tailgate parties. No semi’s as they are deemed a COVID-19 hazard, God knows what you could pick up on Route 66, otherwise, as long as your car is at least 15 from the other car, you can put on a Bacchanalian orgy amd the parking lot security guard won’t care.

Ummmmm, ummmmm, that leaves ample opportunity to be grillin’ some Gil Thorp All Natural Sausage. Put mustard and some horse radish on that bad boy and you’ll be rarin’ to go by kickoff. You might pass some gas a few times during the game but you’ll be socially distanced so nobody should smell it.

But some of you want Gil Thorp Italian Sausage Links. Perfect, especially when some butthole forgot to bring his microwave and Totino’s Sausage Supreme. Just listening to it sizzle is music to my ears. Then fill up the plate with those links, buffalo fries, some M & M’s you had left over from the concession stand last week and Paradise is yours. Yelling at the referees on a full stomach never tasted better.

And if your buddy forgot to bring the burgers because his wife is finally leaving him, no better time to get the Gil Thorp Spicy Bratwurst out of the cooler you stuck underneath the Lowenbrau. Fire up that grill, get those Ritz Club Crackers and Totino’s Pizza Rolls out from under the driver’s seat, and you’ll have a feast better than one delivered by the Uber Driver and his tray full of Whoppers from Burger King. Who goes to a tailgate party with burgers pre-grilled? Not I.

Come get your own package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage today and be the life of the party at your next Milford Community College football game and find out you don’t have to wear a lampshade over your head to be one.”

Gang, don’t get me caught in these Libero vs. Conservative discussions. This is a comedy blog, not Crossfire.

God bless you, Gang.

At the Milford Nudist Colony Roundtable Discussion

“Mommy, Daddy said that old lady’s mouth looks like cheese. I don’t see any Swiss cheese.”

“Here, Keri, the Schwan’s truck just pulled up. Go get some ice cream.”

10 Comments »

  1. Yeah….just like I thought…even though he went to a match and brought Jughead and the boys with him to cheer them on, she has to make a fuckin smart-ass comment even before she sez ‘hello’…geez, I wish someone would bitch-slap this bitch so hard that her idiotic skull earrings would skitter across the floor

    Comment by franku2016 — November 3, 2020 @ 1:38 pm

  2. My state’s high school volleyball rules switched to using the libero and to side-out scoring in the middle of my sister’s 4 years as a high school volleyball player. Personally, I thought the old way with rally scoring and without the libero was more entertaining, but alas. It was pronounced LIE-bear-oh where I’m from, but I’m sure that was not the correct pronunciation.

    Comment by billytheskink — November 3, 2020 @ 1:57 pm

  3. ….and then Dallas tells this fuckin’ goof to ‘google’ it….how tf is he gonna’ do that when he has no idea how to spell it?

    Comment by franku2016 — November 3, 2020 @ 2:22 pm

  4. Yeah, all the volleyball I watched in high school was the old style…

    And again I must ask: Why does everyone either want to befriend and/or screw this girl? The entire school, Tru Standish and Gilbertina have bent themselves into pretzels giving Peppermint Patty free meals, free rides, social outings, they’ve kissed her ass, stroked her ego, they have been surprisingly non-intrusive into her private life (which is most out of character for Milford High School), made her feel welcome and accepted and they have given Patty her space when she needed it. Yes, the girls are friendly to her because of her athletic skill and the boys are nice to her because they’re trying to stretch her out, but they’re at least putting in a general effort! The girls *could* have isolated her and made her feel like an outsider, and the guys *could* have played up her juvenile offender white trash other-side-of-the-tracks origin with a mentally disturbed arsonist for a mom, but they didn’t…

    And Patty has literally given nothing back except acid, invective, smugness, bile, meanness, snark and really shitty unfunny one-liners. You’d think a fuckin’ “THANK YOU” might be appropriate in this situation.

    Comment by Hitorque — November 3, 2020 @ 3:00 pm

  5. And the really stupid part is it’s not like Patty already has a BF or her own little happening social circle to hang out with… She’s a bigger no-friends-having anti-social loser than I am(!) This is why seeing her squat and piss all over an entire school trying to befriend her and sex her up makes me vomit in my mouth a little…

    Comment by Hitorque — November 3, 2020 @ 3:08 pm

  6. The inconsistency of the drawings of what’s her name is ridiculous. Today she looks somewhat hot for a comic strip broad. That’s what Charlie Brown told me anyways.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 3, 2020 @ 4:39 pm

  7. Super job, Gang. The discussion was lively and informative. I’m getting a lot of solid paragraphs with some solid information. I stand by the TWIMer readers. Every one of you expound well on what you’re talking about.

    God bless you, Gang. You make it happen.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 4, 2020 @ 6:38 am

  8. And that’s a “great phone wallpaper” said no HS kid ever

    Comment by franku2016 — November 4, 2020 @ 7:19 am

  9. […] what did Corina accomplish for herself, exactly? She went out for the volleyball team, played liberal, and managed to get some of the football players to come watch the team play – which is more […]

    Pingback by Bye-Bye, VT! GTFO, Milford! | This Week in Milford — December 12, 2020 @ 9:44 pm

  10. […] a locker). How’s Gil gonna quash this dissent on the football team? He doesn’t have a spunky little libero to tease Boyd over to her house with the promise of her mama’s brownies this […]

    Pingback by There’s a Certain Aurora Around Milford Volleyball | This Week in Milford — October 6, 2021 @ 1:07 pm


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