This Week in Milford

November 12, 2020

Good Thing The Message Isn’t Muddied. There’d Be Cleat Marks Everywhere.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:39 pm

In the Milford locker room

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot pick a little more

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot Gil is truly God

“Hey, did you hear what happened to Thayer and Rapp?”

“No.”

“Gil chewed ’em out because The Music Man was trying to teach them teamwork and they told him to stick his act in one of the 76 Trombones.”

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep plot is dead Gil is ultra-hot

“Hey, did you hear what happened to Coach Thorp?”

“No.”

“He renewed his wedding vows to Coach Mimi at The Diner. Maureen was the Maid of Honor.”

“I thought she played the organ.”

“I thought you said you didn’t know about the wedding.”

“No.”

Pick a little, talk a little, this plot is sooooooooooo

CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP

“Hey, did you hear that Coach Thorp caught Thayer and Rapp in the boys room grabbing each other’s private parts?”

“No.”

“Coach made them do steps up and down the stadium for 2 hours. Yelled at them that next time, I want the whole team in the boys room. We grab and fondle as a team.”

“So when’s the next Grab-in?”

“During lunch on Tuesday. Be sure to have a hall pass.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Injures His Lumbar Section While Kneeling To His Wife At His Vows Renewal At The Diner!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t care how they did it in ‘Moonstruck’, Danny Aiello never wore a thong jock strap while proposing.”

What is the player doing in P1? Eating his arm????

Gang, I remember the Nixon staffers being interviewed during the Watergate hearings and these guys were practically thugs. H. R. Haldeman was brutally cold. No feeling to him whatsover. He just stared through the interrogation team. And the same could be said for G. Gordon Liddy. His treatment of John Lennon was a joke. He had Lennon looking like Charles Manson when Lennon was trying to get citizenship in this country. Wiretapping and illegaly seizing his files were not uncommon for Mr. Liddy.

And some of you might remember the Saturday Night Live sketch where someone is interviewing Liddy while Liddy is in his backyard at the grill. And when the interviewer notices no burgers or dogs, Liddy said that was because he was going to grill his hand. I’ll spare you the details but you get the gist, I assume. Unfortunately, that sketch wasn’t far off the mark. Liddy was a desensitized scoundrel.

So is this what the plot has come to, Music Man ladies questioning and gossiping whether the Music Man is actually a coach and football players sautee their radial and ulna while engaging in gossip???? I think we can answer the first one. No. The Music Man has been pulling one over the town of Milford for 60 years no matter how many times Mayor Shinn insists on checking The Music Man’s resume. The second one? Do you want me to answer that? Seriously?

If ya git bamboozled cuz The Music Man thinks 76 Trombones would be a nice addition ta “Take This Job And Shove It” when Johnny Paycheck performs in concert at the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater, ya might be a redneck.

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot grab a hunk of crotch

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Gil Gil Gil talk a lot coach a lot less

Thayer was caught for child molestation

He’ll be benched all night for Friday’s game

The team will run laps until damnation

Gil cited lack of teamwork as to blame

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep slurp a lot drink a lot less

“Hey, Joe, did you hear that Mr. Moon dumped Peaches for that cute librarian at Milford Public Library?”

“No.”

“Marty was checking out ‘Broadcasting For Dummies’ when he spotted her in the Non-Fiction department. He treated her to Milford Diner on the first date. Heard she loved the Au Gratin Potato Night.”

“What’s that got to do with Thayer going in to whine to Coach T. about losing his job?”

“What does this plot have to do with the price of tea in China?”

Ooooooookkkkkkk, I think we’re getting a handle on the problem at this point.

And Gene Rayburn is back to minimize the mud-slinging and dearth of teamwork. Gene, you never let us down

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought The Music Man in Milford was really __________________ in disguise.”

And what better way to dispense with the gossip that ensued from the tail-whipping Rapp and Thayer received from The Music Man (“…you don’t act like a team, and that starts with ‘T’ and that starts TROUBLE…”) than to have 2 schmos partaking of the rampant rumors while one schmo is slobbering in his Gatorade. For that deep down thirst for more mudslinging, it would appear. Tommy Lasorda, the great Los Angeles Dodgers manager who won the last World Series before the Dodgers edition this year, would be patient until the team REALLY hit a snag, then he would lay into his team and give them the butt-chewing of their lives until the paint peeled off the wall. Needless to say, they would go on a tear after that. We not only can’t even find closure to the Thayer vs. Rapp Debate and find MORE mud piled on the avalanche of gossip despite the tirade by Coach Thorp, we’re getting grossed out watching Crest with Fluoride oozing out if the dude’s water bottle. And that spells trouble.

Marty Moon on the podium

“Coach T. is a fraud!!!!!!!!!!! His real name is Gilgorich Thorpachev!!!!!!!!!!! I have legal documents here in my-“

OHHHH OHH THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS COMIN’ TO MILFORD GYM OH PLEASE LET IT BE FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE

Gilgorich dodges another bullet like he has the last 60 years

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Rain rain rain Tackle little run his ass over a lot

“Hey John Doe, did you hear that it was raining cats and dogs because Thayer was a crybaby about PT and it caused Coach Thorp to dance like he did when James Brown was gettin’ it on to ‘Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag’ and ‘Nothin’ Beats a Fail But a Try, Part 1 &2′ at The Apollo in ’68 and Bootsy Collins liked it so much he invited Coach to hop on stage with the rest of the brothers and they funked and flailed and juked and jimmied and shook and shimmied and were able to show their pelvis’s slithering like a snake unlike Elvis back in ’56 and that’s what caused the downpour in P3?”

“No.”

Awkward silence

“Well I bet Elvis would have been more patient with Thayer.”

And we have NO CLUE who is who in P3 although that does appear to be an “M”. Hard to tell in the rain. And I am no football guy, my brothers did the honors, but that has to be the worst tackling technique known to mankind. My nephew played football one year and I remember one of his coaches telling the team WE’RE NOT BEGGING THEM TO BE TACKLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rain-infested individual is at the altar call. Give him a Bible and a “Holy Joe” tract and send him on his way because the running back is bound for glory. Bound towards the end zone anyway, no matter how much crotch-snatching Holy Joe is doing. His crotch might be too slippery in this downpour, Holy Joe.

“Gil, Did you hear that Dr. Pearl finally ran off from Mr. Dr. Pearl?”

“No.”

“She didn’t that flu shot at Milford Pharmacy. She was afraid of needles.”

“….and at halftime in this drenched affair, it’s Milford, 7, Jefferson, 0. I’ll be back in a moment with the stats after a word from our sponsors. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“My, my, how some of the hearsay can become cancerous and malignant to our well-being which precludes the development of our inner concepts that foundationalize our status in the top of the food chain. Gossip hisses indeed. Loose lips and loose ears crushed Napoleon at Waterloo.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and I have an entirely different concept to discuss and frankly, between you and me, it has me worried. The grand people at Milford Bath Works have been entangled in an imbroglio through no fault of their own. We were confronted once by Mr. Sharkey when his client filed a negligence suit against MBW after he slipped and fell in the tub and broke his hip. Mr. Sharkey falsely claimed that because the walk-in tub included a Jacuzzi and that only a certain material in the tub structure itself could handle the whirlpool mechanism, a matrial allegedly slicker than regular tub ingredients, the company failed to notify the client of this disclaimer in the instruction manual. We were on the side of Law and Order however, contrary to that rapscallion Sharkey.

We were notified by the Milford Police that the same day he purportedly stepped in the walk-in tub, he had an alcohol blood level count three times over the legal limit. We were able to weigh the scales of justice in our favor because this client was ruled by the judge to possess an impairment in judgment and momentary lapse of reason and presumably lost control when skinny-dipping in the walk-in tub the way he drove into that utility pole. The judge wasn’t about to ruin MBW’s good name from someone’s careless drinking binges. If he wants to get loaded off of Budweiser before walking in the walk-in tub with his rubber ducky, that was his own cross to bear. Don’t blame the company when he can’t walk a straight line in front of Barney Fife.

And now we have another lawsuit pending. An octegenarian lady has claimed that the shower spigot was improperly positioned at an angle that caused the water flowage to make contact with her pacemaker. She cried foul when the mechanism went up in smoke along with her abdomen and lower chest.

Let me reassure you that the engineering department at Milford Bath Works have done their homework and have executed the proper calculations to ensure quality and craftsmanship every time you commence with the shower head. Mr. Sharkey has the shower pointed as usual at the wrong armpits.

We can and will prove that she had to have been situated upside down as her pacemaker was traced to her collarbone. Unless she spent several minutes aiming the shower head at the collarbone but by then her head would have burned off from the mini-explosion. Difficult to walk into a walk-in tub in that predicament, don’t you think? The headless horseman will have to cut its losses and purchase another pacemaker.

And with all these obstacles that lay before us like your Saint Bernard blocking your path to a world of bath tub liberation, we feel that you too can utter “Down, boy” and your dream walk-in tub, which can now be financed easier because our salesmen no longer work on commission, will be a new found reality. Like getting baptized in the baptismal pool on easy credit.

But Heavens, don’t take my word for it. Come see how we can install a new creation in your bathroom and compel Mr. Sharkey to stick to ambulance-chasing all at Milford Bath Works. Your Paradise without the apple tree.”

Gang, we’re not begging people to laugh at my comedy blog. And put your wallets back in your pockets.

But God bless you, Gang.

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot lick a little more

“All right, I want to know who’s been starting the shit around here. I want names or you’re running to Dr. Pearl’s retreat house and back.”

“Thayer.”

“Rapson.”

“Macy.”

“Roh.”

“Watson.”

“Keener.”

“The Mayor.”

“Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”

“Richard Clayderman.”

“Slim Whitman.”

“No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Slim started shit over in England for 20 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meet me at the gate in 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hack a little run a lot wheeze a little run a lot

Barf barf barf Gil’s a butt needs a new career

“Coach!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! Who in the heck was it???????”

“It was-“

OHH OHHHHHH THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A-STROLLIN’ TO GIL’S HOUSE OH PLEASE LET IT BE FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…

5 Comments »

  1. Yesterday, Thayer and Rapp were looking at Gil while thinking “..who the fuck does he think he’s scaring?..” and then today, Thayer insinuates that Rap is a little bitch who squealed to Gil to get more reps. Wait ’til Rap hears this and tries to pound the shit out of Thayer…Not only did Gil once again let Mimi point out to him his team’s dysfunction, but he totally bungled his handling of it. And the kid in P 2 couldn’t slop that shit on face any worse if he deliberately tried. Moon would actually come in handy right about now.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 12, 2020 @ 1:32 pm

  2. Your lyrics are…better than Lorne’s

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — November 12, 2020 @ 3:39 pm

  3. …And *THAT* is why you address the entire team at once when you’re the head coach…

    And naturally, any further discord or infighting on the team will be the fault of Trapper and Hawkeye and in no way connected to Gilberto’s stunning ineptitude.

    Seriously, every single sports season some player has to “learn a lesson” and “become a better person”… Why is it never Gilberto or Gilbertina who have to show some growth for once??

    Comment by hitorque — November 12, 2020 @ 3:44 pm

  4. Gil’s coaching is often questionable. Not this season! His utter cluelessness is without question indefensible. Maybe there’s something else on his mind? Are we due for a new round of Small Thorps? Is he dumping Mimi for Heather Burns?
    Another weird thing has been the endless parade of interchangeable f’ball players & the only assistant coach seen was a Kaz cameo.

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — November 12, 2020 @ 4:16 pm

  5. I think the perception that Will went whining to the coaches is correct by Rapp. Whether it’s true or not, one would certainly think that. The dude in P2 drinks Gatorade like Gil drinks rotgut .

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 12, 2020 @ 5:13 pm


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