This Week in Milford

November 17, 2020

Which Plot? We’ve Stomached Three (Or More) Of Them.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:58 pm

And just like that, the scene changed from guys pissy-faced about a game they really should have won even with pissy-faced conditions to Miss Permanent Pissy Face putting a damper on people who are taking one for the team. It is like those whirlygigs that fall out of maple trees each year, spinning out of control to the ground and if you dare try to catch one, you’ll get dizzy fast. We’re still recovering from that charity event that was more charity than event. The free food sent by Mr. Rooney, the same teacher who crucified Mike Knappe before underwriting Domino’s Delivery, backs me up on that claim.

Can’t we develop the kiss-and-make-up scenario between Rapp and Thayer before going back to somebody with a personality of a turtle at your local Fish and Wildlife Area? And apparently it’s getting old with her fellow volleyball players. We got hit with a miserable rainfall that was all wet in more ways than one and all we got between Rapp and Thayer was a long bus ride back to M-town with not a word between them.

Usually in the Berrill years, if guys got an ass-chewing for their “I” before “team” approach, they not only would not have been dragged out of class but the next game was when Lessons on Life would be liberally applied. The only thing being applied at this juncture is the precipitation. We are dealing with too many plots and not enough plot development. We were expecting Rapp or Thayer to take charge and get the team out of the mud and not only did they both fail in that regard but then we abruptly switch over to Peppermint Potty spewing more of her venom, this time in the direction of the volleyball team. Potty, they were just innocent bystanders. Raising a stink when the volleyball team isn’t anywhere near the Pottys to poop? No wonder why you went through three schools.

Oh, I get it. Potty will have a team meeting with the football team and tell them to get your head out of Gil’s hair and that she’s seen better football in the hallways at Valley Alternative. Then she’ll go on to help the volleyball team win State, tell Mimi where to stick it since she knows less about volleyball than basketball and coaches to suit that perception, then run off and get married and live in a remote part of Saskatchewan and live by the Call of the Wild. She’s big enough to chop wood.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Entire Team Quarantined From COVID-19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Gil: Thank God they sanitized the tables at the Club. Life has no meaning otherwise.”

Okay. So Thorpiverse is going to throw Shakespeare in 115 acts instead of the usual 5, plot of all trades, master of none. I will try to get my eyes adjusted to the set. Try.

“…with two Conference losses, stick a fork in Marty’s goatee, it’s Spaghetti O’s-

“Why is there water coming out of your locker? It’s washing away your UPS package of Barbie dolls down the hallway.”

“Peppermint Potty, don’t you care about your school? Do you have to be Maureen and dump bad meat loaf on my parade?”

“No, seriously, it looks like the same rain shower that dumped on the football game. I could have used some on those jerks when they wouldn’t get the hint.”

“That same rain is carrying your lipstick case and your mom’s ammo in the Home Ec class.”

“Shit.”

GET YOUR PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN’T TELL ONE PLOT FROM THE NEXT WITHOUT A PROGRAM!!!!!!!!! GET YOUR…

And P2 is just a bad tire retread. Like we couldn’t figure out that Peppermint Pot had been to three schools. Okay, Thorpiverse, I got the ticker counter

1) She’s now at Milford after taking a tour of the town and complaining how crappy it is, yet the hog feeds from the trough. Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Even THAT isn’t a given with all the runarounds we’re getting on these plots or mini-plots or nursery rhymes that extend longer than the couplet rhyme scheme

Mary had a little lamb

Whose fleece was white as snow

And every time that Mary spiked the ball

The lamb was sure to go

There were two wolves who were wanting to

Get in Mary’s pants and eat the lamb but

Mimi came out of her office with a sawed-off

Shotgun and fired about 12 rounds at these vermin

Who were more concerned with bitchy women

Than football and had to be sent back to their

Pen before the Milford Petting Zoo closed for the

Night.

What rhymes with “bitchy”? Itchy??

2) She was at Valley Alternative. But this is like in the movie “A Few Good Men” where the judge rebukes Tom Cruise when Cruise is being redundant in pleading his case. “Lieutenant Caffey, I think we’ve covered this.” No truer words spoken. T-verse, what part of “She went to Valley Alternative because she’s a brilliant student but possesses a nauseating personality at the level of the egg nog you forgot to use to bake cookies with and you are compelled to pitch it in the trash compactor” do you think we DON’T understand?

3) This one’s wide open. We don’t know the third one and who’s REALLY going to investigate? Friday and Gannon would rather dole out parking tickets while riding in that little meter maid wagon than attempt to fish out her whereabouts on her third option. She could be at Westview with Funky and Les and the rest of the Scapegoats, Archie and the Gang at Riverdale, Boys Town in Omaha, or with the rest of the convicts at Folsom Prison singing “Ring of Fire” at the Johnny Cash gig and she STILL wound up at Valley Alternative. Enough snooping for me. Oh, look, I think I’ll hop on the back of the wagon with Joe Friday.

Because I thoroughly wonder why people are investigating some of the venues where they shot Hogan’s Heroes

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlark Football Players Complaining Of Concentration Camp Atmosphere At Practices!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Anonymous source: ‘The senior class was not particularly thrilled with Colonel Klink running the calisthenics”

Now whatsa matter Potty

Ain’t you heard of my school

It’s number 1 in the State

So be true to your school now

Just like you would to Gil or your guy

Be true to your school-

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHHHHHH

Strangers in the night

Exchanging glances

Wondering in Gil’s bed

What were the chances

We’d be sharing love before the night is

Throoooouuuugggghhhhhhh

“And that was Michael Bolton with another Golden Oldie on the Lite Favorites from the ’50’s and ’60’s Afternoon here on WDIG. We will update you on the shooting between Rapp and Thayer in the football parking lot after the Milford Stockyard Report.”

And P3 is just full of possibilities. Sure, she has a hard taco shell to match a wide wet burrito butt and that may be as hard as the chunky bracelet that Becca is wearing. I’m not sure. And don’t you love this positive spin to attempt to save face for a lady who needs to take her attitude and shove it? There is no such thing as a girl with a shitty attitude and a butt that looks like the Chimichanga from Hell. Bad parenting and a bad home environment was responsible. She needed good examples and better potty training. She wouldn’t wear her psychological helmet on her head so that nobody can penetrate her inner psyche if she would read more of Miss Manners and less of her horoscope. Isn’t Miss Manners by the crossword? Or maybe it’s next to the wedding announcements.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Diner Severely Damaged After Bombs Found In The Dishwasher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Corina’s mom: I knew when everybody was distracted by the players at the volleyball game that the back door would be unlocked.”

And with Peppermint Potty walking off into the sunset (we wish) , what does the future bring? Because again we’re still left on hold with Frick and Frack who may or may not iron out their differences at the QB spot. Maybe they can go to Gil’s verandah and broker a solution. Hey, lemonade and Mimi-grilled BBQ steaks have spawned ingenious game plans between Gil and wife. And Frick and Frack may be able to compromise on Peppermint Potty. Frick gets dissed by her on odd-numbered days and Frack gets dissed by her on even-numbered days. Works for me.

“Aren’t you confused by all these plots running around like stray dogs on the streets of Milford? Thank God I kept it in my pocket and didn’t have that many children zig-zagging in the Thorp household.

But I’m not here to talk about plots and dogs on the football field on 4th and 9. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Many of you have wanted to know what you can do to start your own bourbon business. Now I don’t mind taking calls collect but here’s a better solution and I won’t get woke up at 1:30AM.

Milford Beverage Warehouse has started an exciting new program for you entrepeneur wannabe’s out there. It’s called Builders for Bourbon. It’s simple. When you purchase products from our abode, the Warehouse will supply you with a kit, depending on your level of interest.

Some of you are chickenshit and don’t want to go whole hog. You want to make some Maker’s Mark but you’d rather keep it in the backyard. That’s to be expected. So if you purchase $50 worth of merchandise from the Warehouse, they will send you materials, chemistry set included, to get you started on your path to prosperity right in your own basement. Some of you may need to move the table electric saw but you have to give in any relationship.

Some of you are a little bolder. You have some property and don’t mind it when people stare at the pipes and the runoff. You are the kind of person to tell the EPA that they couldn’t monitor a forest fire when Smokey the Bear’s in charge. Hey, you’re on your way. That’s why with a purchase of $100 worth of liquor, the Warehouse will send Milford Small Construction to build on your site. Man, don’t you want a patio with pipes running everywhere? You can just sit and watch as Kentucky Straight, No Chaser Bourbon is being brewed to perfection, all while the squirrels are staring in curiosity and the does are running from the bobcat. And you’ll have customers ringing off the wall at your new business to boot. Sexy.

Now some of you jump in the swimming pool when there’s rumors of sharks. You DEFINITELY belong in the bourbon business. If you don’t max out in your credit card purchasing booze, The Warehouse will send this same company to build out in the woods off of some farmer’s cornfield. A random drawing will determine your venture of danger. Man, isn’t it exciting dodging the revenuers and still supplying somebody’s mansion with Four Roses Bourbon at the Kentucky Derby? I almost went for it myself but Mimi put her foot down.

If you have an itch, come scratch it at the Milford Beverage Warehouse. Come build your own perilous paradise and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Gang, quit throwing all these plots at me. I may have to call Milford Animal Control.

God bless you, Gang.

6 Comments »

  1. What’s almost as annoying as peppermint patty’s bitchy-ass bitch attitude is how the female version of dumb and dumber finish each others sentences. Three schools in three years? PP probably has no real friends from the other two either.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 17, 2020 @ 1:22 pm

  2. P 3: “..I realize….she’s just an asshole…”

    Comment by franku2016 — November 17, 2020 @ 2:49 pm

  3. LOLOLOL only after being with her every day for three months do these two teammates finally come to the realization that Peppermint Patty is a self-centered bitch who cares about nobody but herself… In the real world, this simply means that her teammates and other Milford students would avoid her as if she’s got the Covid-19…

    …But in the Milfordverse, instead of leaving Patty to be alone with her bitter insularity, these two bints will make sure Patty gets some kind of surprise party or parade or team award or exclusive profile in the local fishwrap or they’ll nominate her for homecoming queen or class president or some other bullshit in an effort to melt her icy cold heart…

    Little do they know that some people are just unwilling to let others save them, and they’re also too proud to save themselves… (Don’t ask me how I know this)

    Comment by hitorque — November 17, 2020 @ 10:29 pm

  4. “Don’t you care about your school?”

    “Which school? I’ve been to three!”

    “THE SCHOOL YOU MOVED HEAVEN AND EARTH TO TRANSFER TO SO YOU COULD PLAY YOUR BLESSED SPORTS AND PRETEND YOU’RE ONE OF THE NORMALS WITH AN ACTUAL FUTURE, DUMBASS! THE SCHOOL THAT WELCOMED A BITCHY, NO-FRIENDS-HAVING ANTI-SOCIAL OUTSIDER WITH OPEN ARMS AND TREATED HER LIKE FAMILY! YOU DO REALIZE THAT PEOPLE HAVE LIMITS AND SOONER OR LATER WE’RE JUST GOING TO START TREATING YOU AS INVISIBLE, RIGHT??”

    Comment by hitorque — November 18, 2020 @ 8:36 am

  5. Frank and Hitorque, Thank you for your usual excellent commentary.
    Frank, your P3 assessment is on point and that’s pretty much what I would have said and I’m bettin’ the TWIMer population in general would have uttered. Well done, My Man.
    Hitorque, I totally agree, her act is getting old. She’s able to pursue sports yet acts like the world owes her something. Corina Cancer, pay your dues, then come to talk to us. You’ll be singing a different tune. You da Man.

    You both kept Democracy alive. You kept America running another day.

    God bless you, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 19, 2020 @ 12:17 pm

  6. […] have any chiropractors on staff here.) So what’s with the tiny crack in Corina’s “What football team? I don’t care about the football team” veneer? Does the idea of guys fighting get her […]

    Pingback by A Shot in the Dark | This Week in Milford — November 21, 2020 @ 9:57 pm


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