This Week in Milford

December 31, 2020

Gil Thorp and Pro Wrestling. Two Things That Definitely Aren’t Fake.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

Face it, Gang. You can change the channel to HBO, to CNN, to the Milford Fine Cooking Channel, to Milford Community Calendar Channel, to Milford Sports History Channel, to The Nashville Network, to Milford Musicians Who Played At The Grand Ole Opry on The Nashville Network, to Milford Home Improvement Channel, to Milford Auction Block Channel, to NBC, to PBS, to Milford Arts & Entertainment Channel, to ESPN, to Milford Real Estate Happenings Channel, but if you go back to WDIG-TV, they’ll still have Memphis Wrestling with Lance Russell, Dave Brown, and Cory Macklin.

We have tried to will Peppermint Potty out of existence but she keeps turning up to abort the flight even before it gets off the ground. You better grab a magazine. As I mentioned yesterday, I should have known better.

We were all hoping she would ride off into the sunset after Milford’s game with Valley Tech, especially when she made her point, albeit castigating two lunkheads who set their own agendas with brownies was questionable. We gave her a donkey to ride, an appropriate mode of transportation, to ride off into that sunset.

At least the donkey didn’t return.

So brace yourself for more Corinavirus. And with Doug Unser and his NASCAR jacket in the scheme of things, what is Corinavirus going to do when Doug Unser shows up late for class because DAYTONA ran past schedule, tell him fly a Cessna next time and then hand him a frozen Butterball Turkey on a platter? Advise him to use a real race car, a Salt Walther Special, at the Indy 500, not a monster 4-wheeler that could crush all the tackling dummies at the Milford Football Practice Field? Oh, and eat the rest of this Rhubarb Bundt Cake. Betty Crocker has a way with careless race car drivers who occasionally play point guard for the Mudlark Basketball team.

“Damn!!!!!!! I knew I shouldn’t have raced at the Poconos!!!!!! Too much snow on the mountains!!!!!!”

“If you’d get your head out of your ass and wake and smell the Gil, you wouldn’t have taken the Pennsylvania Turnpike for a silly contest that only shows the stats in the Milford Enquirer Scoreboard section. Your team needed you and lost in triple OT because you’re a selfish cad and a worthless lout and a boneheaded turd who only thinks of individual accomplishments and you deserve to get guillotined at noon this morning at Milford Community Center for leaving the team to get eaten by the alligators. Want some Oreos? They’ve been lagging in the cookie jar for three weeks.”

Are they going to put a hood over Doug Unser’s head? Sometimes these beheadings can get messy.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Tommy Rich Win Back The Southern Heavyweight Tag Title At Milford Veterans Memorial Coliseum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That’ll teach Lawler and Jarrett to talk about our mothers on WDIG.”

Who are those ladies from behind those towels sopping up sweat and continuing a Nice Game Corina You Got Game Fellowship Hand Extender And An If She’d Quit Yakking With That Tow Truck Of A Body That Would Back The Whole Opponent Down And Play Defense Rejoinder well into basketball? Only The Shadow knows.

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Becca and Corinavirus. Attaway to execute a flailing attempt to display an element of surprise to the plot. Like that’s Blondie and Tootsie covering their faces with smelly towels. Is that Mimi in the corner wiping her butt with one of them things? I can’t tell, the Holiday Inn towel Gil stole at the last Coach’s Convention is covering her head.

Thorpiverse was just trying to delay the inevitable. We can’t sit on Tessi Hilton and the clothing she wears at Milford Girls Basketball games and Valley Conference Chemistry Seminars, no, no. Thorpiverse played it safe by extending soap operas at Milford Girls Volleyball matches into basketball season that saw Corinavirus and her two girlie-girl friends embroiled in controversy-of-the-week situations more than we EVER saw Mimi coach. She did coach, right? I was too wrapped up in Peppermint Potty receiving the MVP trophy at the football game. She and Becca were co-Milford Moose Lodge Sportsmen of the Year at the football banquet.

And guess what? If removing those smelly towels is any indication we’ll see MORE General Hospital than 3-on-1 fast breaks at girls games, assuming we’ll see the game at all. It’s nice that Corinavirus can make a move on somebody IN PRACTICE. Whoops, we have to pre-empt One Life to Live if we want to see her do that IN A GAME???? Darn the luck.

It’s comforting to know that Vic Doucette will be there with the call should she remove the towel and execute the give-and-go. Let’s not have Vic navigate through Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

At the girls basketball game

“Corrrrrrriiinnnnnnnnaaaaaaa-VIRRRRRRRRUUSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Twwwwwwwwooooooooooo points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Uh, Vic, that’s not Corina. She’s down at Talladega giving Doug Unser a tongue-lashing. And some Ho Ho’s.”

If ya keep comin’ ta tha same Game area year after year even tho THIS year they’s 1,547,034 hunters in the same patch uv acreage just cuz ya bagged an 8-pointer 20 years ago, ya might be a redneck.

And The Shadow People return. It’s not enough for T-Verse to have Peppermint Potty torture us with another in a long line of smartass zingers, no, we are once again forced to use process of elimination and try to reason through who’s in the background.

Okay, T-Verse, let me get my Idiot’s Guide to Logic and Lewis Carroll’s Logic Games You Can Play While Waiting At The Milford Airport (had to have been updated, given the time Carroll lived-see, I’m using logic here. Carroll is proudly looking down from Heaven) out of the drawer and let’s see if we are on the same page.

That person with a bustline has to be one of the basketball players. Doug did not return from Talladega and suit up at the wrong practice. He can’t be that tired. And I scratched out Jerry Lawler. He’s at Milford Veterans Memorial Coliseum with The Moon Dogs in a Milford Death Match. I also entertained Marcell Irby but he’s too tall. And given that it’s a girl basketball player, that cannot, cannot, cannot be Cressa. She had a bustline that could do an NBA clearout. I thought Rick Mahorn used to set bone-crushing picks. Cressa can run the picket fence all by herself. All we need is a shooter. Corinavirus is the logical choice if she decides to play.

And the other one has to be another basketball player unless the Quaker Oats Man went out for the team. But remember, this is girls basketball. Stay within the rules of logic.

If ya is involved in a civil lawsuit with the Milford Veterans Memorial Coliseum cuz ya is in a dispute with Coliseum officials over Pro Rasslin’ season tickets cuz ya wanna sit one row further but the officials contend yore preferred section is fer senior citizens and yule giv yore lawyer a coupla tickets as a first-installment payment if ya win th’ case, ya might be a redneck.

And who isn’t surfeited with Corinavirus and her stinging witticisms by now but usually when she utters something acerbic, it hits the mark. Alduous Huxley would have been proud. She could have written “Point Counterpoint” and nobody would have noticed the difference between her and Huxley.

The punchline fell on its face today.

I am THINKING she is making a back-handed stab at Tessi’s silliness, given the eye-rolling a few panels before this practice. Even if I personally have no problem with Tessi’s fun-loving nature, especially because I worked for years for bosses like that (the day went better, trust me) , Corinavirus proved it on the court and give her credit for knowing where to go.

Just don’t take that remark to the Milford Comedy Club

“…wasn’t that nice for Gil to stand in for one of the back-up vocals on ‘Jackie Blue’? The Ozark Mountain Daredevils are certainly appreciative. Now here’s a comedienne who never had to work because she knows how to work a crowd. Herrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee’s CORINA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Well into the act

“…and the Mock Turtle asked the Blue Crab where his turtle shell went and the Blue Crab responded ‘Well, somebody faked something…”

“…and Dr. Pearl said to her clerical assistant ‘Can you finish these 2013 Cafeteria Condiment Shortage Reports? I have to go to the faculty bathroom and take a royal dump’ and the clerical assistant answered ‘Somebody faked something…”

“….and Kermit the Frog asked Dumbo the Elephant when they were sloshing in the bath tub ‘Where’s my rubber ducky?’ and Dumbo cheerfully answered ‘Somebody faked something…”

Later

“Folks, she’s a little nervous. Cut her some slack. She’ll knock ’em dead at the Milford Comedy Club Valentine’s Laff-Off!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gang, I just received my 5,000th view and it is because of YOU.

I never get caught up in scoreboard watching. You take care of the people, they’ll take care of you. Now I’ll admit when I was getting close, I did peek at it from time to time(ha) but I’m no fool, if I do more scoping than writing, then I’d be trapped in my own numbers plus that wouldn’t be fair to you. You have been way too good to me. I am painfully aware “Write good stuff, they’ll read it”. And I am nothing without you TWIMers.

You have given me 5000+ reasons to continue and thank you for three solid years of support. Without your loyalty, as the Washington Post says, Democracy dies in darkness. You people are our hope for Free Speech. Please keep that hope alive, for America’s sake.

I have enjoyed working with Tim, Doug, Rob, and Teenchy these past three years. George Harrison joined the Traveling Wilburys because he wanted to be part of a group again. My sentiments exactly. I love the feeling of belonging and associating with first-class dudes such as these gentlemen.

God bless you all.

Where is Marjie sitting???

Marjie, if there is an adjustable function on the high chair, you might want to use it. We know you lap up to Gil but we really aren’t in need of a demonstration. Just press the button and voila! You’ll be eye-level with Gil. Granted, Fred Flintstone gets intimidated whenever he gets called in the office by Mr. Slate but Fred was never in line-of-sight of Mr. Slate’s crotch.

And whattup with the hand? Do you grow your hands out of your torso or are they connected to the shoulder like the rest of the human race? Just don’t try to shake hands with Gil once the interview is over. Or stand up from that chair Gil borrowed from the 7th Grade Tonette Band class.

Dr. Pearl, while listening to “Walking on the Moon” by The Police

“…I don’t know, Mimi, I know Tessi goes through uniforms like used underwear at a yard sale but I don’t know if we’ll have another batch at the Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union Annual Quilting Bee ready by Tuesday. I’ll call again…”

Why is Gil mistreating Marjie so badly?????? Marjie is not afraid to ask the tough questions but it’s not as if she has ever attained muckraker status like Marty Moon has reached. Goodness, Marty is Muckraker Emeritus.

All Marjie is asking is what a reporter at the beginning of the season would normally ask but Gil has to be a jerk and confirm to the TWIMer readers that coaching will be secondary to everything else you pursue. Jive Turkey is right. Gil, you are a turd.

Marjie doesn’t even show up enough to be a fly in anybody’s affairs. She just appears at the beginning of the season, eats sloppy joes in 90 degree weather, crawls out of the vent space when she’s done talking to Gil, then heads back to the cave for hibernation until it’s time to talk to Gil at the beginning of the next season. Until she goes on sabbatical. Somebody else will have to come through the bathroom window if they want to talk to Gilberto.

Gil, we know one thing. Tom Muench won’t have to drive anybody to practice. A. J. Foyt will get Doug Guthrie there until Doug’s Teo Fabi special is out of the shop. I understand it’s getting a tune-up.

“And we’ll be back to see if Corinavirus can stand a second helping of eggs on Milford Comedy Club Open Mike Night after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

Folks, I laughed my butt off when Corinavirus was telling jokes one night at the club. I can’t remember half the things she said because I got stoned and I missed it. Should’ve told the waiter ‘no’ after the 9th Busch Light.

But I didn’t waste time in this studio to ramble about a teenager’s fledgling attempt at humor and my fledgling attempt at booze. Hi, this is Coach Thorp here on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and they are seriously comcerned that our fine liquors for purchase are being misused every New Year’s celebration. And The Warehouse would like to step to the plate and address the issue.

Come in now and bring your Certified Papers from the Milford Board of Health verifying your sobriety the last 3 weeks and The Warehouse will give you a voucher good for 1.75 Liter of Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon with every purchase of at least $15.00 in merchandise. Shoot, you don’t have to buy booze. We’d love to clear out those Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee Cheese Ravioli cans that have been vegetating on the shelf next to the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey end cap for 6 months. Shoot, a whole 24-pack of that Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee Macaroni and Sausage will getcha about 3 or 4 vouchers, for sure. Mmmmmmmm, Cannelloni and Bourbon, now that’s a Super Bowl snack right up my alley.

But some of you got religion and would like to get Notarized by your preacher. Hey, I have no problem with Oral Roberts avowing that you won’t be sleeping next to the lockers at Milford Greyhound Station while you’re satiated with the hard stuff. And The Warehouse wants to recognize your road to recovery with a coupon good for half off of a Michelob Ultra 24-Pack with a $25.00 purchase. Just buy $25.00 worth of 2% Prairie Farms Milk and I betcha ol’ Oral will cut you some slack when you tote that Michelob in your shopping cart to your trunk.

And some of just got released from the Milford Penitentiary and you would like to show you can hold your liquor and not wind up driving the getaway car when you’re holding up Milford Federal. Sure, everybody wants a fresh start, we understand. Bring in your cover letter from your parole officer and with a $10.00 purchase, you’ll get half off Bud Lite in the 24-Pack. With the 50 dollar bill you got from the Warden, a piece of paper and some chump change will get you back on your road to reform. We’ll even throw in a can of Milford Vending Low Salt Beer Nuts to encourage your return to society. You’ve paid enough debts.

The Warehouse wants to prevent accidents lije the one at the Milford Courthouse Annex last year that had to call 3 firehouses to bring under control. With incentives like these, New Year’s celebrations will be truly a celebration with the police only used to sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’. Come get your own piece of reform, make sure they signed and notarized it, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

May God bless you in 2021, Gang. You mean the world to me.

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, Dr. Pearl said somebody told her she has bustline like Sunmaid Raisins but she said she’ going to Senior Disco Night because she wants to prove she’s still got it. What does she mean by that?”

“Oh look, Keri!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Good Humor Man has fudgcicles on discount!!!!!!!!!!!! Here’s a 50. Have at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

At Milford Comedy Club one night

“…and I asked Kaz, ‘when is Guthrie returning from the Alaska 500?’ and he answered ‘What do I look like, Kermit the Frog with a sex change????'”

The keg can be heard pouring

“Don’t worry, people!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t think Corinavirus has left the building!!!!!! I guarantee, she’ll knock ya dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

5 Comments »

  1. Just when you think Rubin actually got his head out of his ass and introduced a new character with interesting possibilities like Vic Doucette, it’s Deja Vu all over again as he turns around and sics PP on us, like her act hasn’t worn thin. If anyone is fake lately, it’s her “i’m-the-biggest-bad-ass-that-you-will-ever-meet-and-I-hate-authority-and-team-sports” attitude that she’s tryin’ to show everyone. My ass….she’s the biggest fake ever, even in a room full of porn stars with breast implants.

    Comment by franku2016 — December 31, 2020 @ 11:12 am

  2. What happened to Phoebe? Did she graduate, or drop out & go to work with Mildred?

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — December 31, 2020 @ 11:30 am

  3. What does Marjie do for the 362 days a year that she doesn’t visit Gil to get starting lineups?

    Comment by Philip — December 31, 2020 @ 2:21 pm

  4. I don’t even understand what the hell Patty is trying to say?

    Comment by Hitorque — December 31, 2020 @ 5:02 pm

  5. @downpuppy……..’Pheebs either graduated of skipped town after draggin’ bitch-ass PP into Milfordverse

    Comment by franku2016 — December 31, 2020 @ 9:42 pm


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