This Week in Milford

January 5, 2021

I’ll Give You $1,000 To Call Off This Plot.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:46 am

Are we watching a basketball game or Let’s Make a Deal? Is Carol Merrill one of the referees? Okay, Vic wanted a job and Gil took pity and gave him one. But the results have snuck in behind Door #3. I sure hope that’s not a donkey when they finally reveal the result. Somebody better have a shovel handy if that’s the case. For that matter, you better have one around for this whole plot so far. I can smell the manure from across the court. Gil has more than bad breath.

Vic was originally just meant to announce the starting lineup and to name the player who scored the bucket. Jazzing up his name was tolerated but I get a sick-gut feeling Gil wanted a Grantland Rice to Vic’s delivery. How you play the game while Vic was overheatedly booming the guy’s name after a vicious dunk on the opponent was to be the eventual theme, saith The Gil. Let’s be a gentleman while we’re making the dude eat his lunch.

Now Vic has become another Monty Hall. It’s not enough to win the game, Marcell Irby has to win a vacation for two to The Bahamas after he took a chance on Door #1 that Carol Merrill is showing. Oops, my bad, she’s still calling the foul on #45. Got him with the body. 2 shots.

We’ll see where Sweepstakes Week leads after Vic has suddenly started believing he’s the second coming of James Brown. He was a meek announcer who spouted out the starting lineups. Now he’s Live at The Apollo belting out “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag”. Hey, somebody might win a weekend to Mudlark Lake Resort. Might as well be you.

I was piqued with interest when Sly & The Fanily Stone appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show and watching them dance in the aisles while the audience was dressed like they were at a Sinatra gig was fun to watch. And it worked.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Minor Incident No Big Deal In Overall Smash Success For Sly & The Family Stone Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘I took a wrong dance step and landed in some gentleman’s popcorn. I gave him a 20 for the damages. No harm, no foul.”

Dance to the ball game

Dance to the ball game

Dance to the ball game

Dance to the ball game

I’m gonna add a DJ

Although his job should be just calling the fouls

THIS IS NOT BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our resident Mudlark in P1 would be better suited at the Milford Elementary 3rd grade ballet recital. Name me one thing, ANYTHING, that gives me hope that he is on a basketball court and THAT’S a basketball game.

Is he getting the rebound? If he is, there’s a Nerfhoop nearby that is wide enough to accommodate kickballs. He can’t be playing slaughterball. Why would he then be running TOWARDS the kickball-slaughterball-general-purpose-spheroid? I thought Rapp had returned and gone against the grain once again and threw another questionable long bomb. In that case, there’s nobody nearby and the Mudlark, once he catches it, should spike it once he reaches the end zone. Remember, you have to dribble it if you don’t want to get called for traveling at the 1-yard line. Don’t block Rapp’s Road to Glory on a stupid technicality.

Maybe he’s dribble-penetrating and executing a shovel pass. The swan dive theatrics may be a bit excessive but if it puts two in the books and gets Vic to go haywire, the end justifies the means. Monty Hall getting the studio audience in a frenzy over an easy slam, now there’s the ticket.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Injury Mars Great Event At Milford Quarterback Club Awards Banquet!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources say Coach Thorp reinjured hamstring while sashaying with Maureen to ‘Dance to the Music’.”

I’m gonna add Doug Guthrie

On D, he needs to move his feet

Gang, refresh your memory. Vic was pumping himself up in front of a mirror before he sideswiped a teacher to go ask Gil, oh, pretty please, can I be the PA announcer this year. I know you were waiting until the previous announcer posts bond but until then, can I announce who the officials will be for tonight’s game. I’ll do your lawn for free, no charge. I’ll even throw in the lawn mower.

Anybody who has officiated knows it is a no-no to beg the athletic director to officiate the AD’s high school’s basketball games. Don’t pay the AD a 50 to get your start at the freshman contests. Yet, that’s pretty much what Vic did with Gil. Oh, Vic upped the ante to a large flat soda instead of a medium flat soda but Gil is still arguing from a postion of strength.

Could this explain why Vic is doing Karaoke? He can’t just say who made the last bucket, no, no. He’s got to croon “My Way” or “Always on my Mind” to all the bobby soxers in the bleachers. Anything to get nachos and queso dip added to the large flat Dr. Pepper. Hey, you may not look like Deano but sing “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime” after every made free throw and Gil might allow a buffalo burger in the budget.

Is this how Monty Hall started hosting “Let’s Make a Deal”? He was in the men’s room at some God-forsaken TV studio summoning up the courage to utter “Door #3” and next thing you know he’s part of The Rat Pack? Yeah, that’s Monty standing between Joey Bishop and Carol Merrill in the Christmas Photo. Sammy Davis Jr. is behind Monty. Vic and Frankie will be two peas in an announcer’s booth calling the fouls and dueting “New York, New York”.

And what is this DRIVING DOUG GUTHRIE???? In one sense, he’s right, he’s driving but we’ve seen more pretending he’s driving a race car rather than any maneuver to the basket. Frankie, if Doug is Jordan, he’s doing it in the stock car pit because he couldn’t have been doing any driving, either with a Richard Petty Special or a basketball in the first half. The God-forsaken visages in the locker room at halftime said it all. If you’re going to be liberal with the nicknames, a la Chris Berman, how about Doug “Arlo” Guthrie? Heck, I’ve got my own to weigh in, how ’bout Dumbbutt Doug Guthrie or Delinquent Doug Guthrie. Feel free to use them anytime, Monty. I’ll give them to you for what’s behind Door #2.

If ya is willing ta give ol’ Monty Hall yore money back that ya won cuz ya hope thar’s a shaving kit behind Door #1 that’ll shred that beard ya has grown fer 10 years with a bonus lice-removing kit, ya might be a redneck.

The average age, judging by P2, had to have plummeted by the opening tip. There must have been a sign out front that said “Nobody over 11-years-old will be admitted inside”. Is this Milford Elementary 3rd Grade Night? Elvis is gettin’ it on with the munchkins behind his back.

Really, I can’t see Frankie singing “Strangers in the Night” with a chorus of Sesame Street kids behind him but if Thorpiverse wants to keep us on our toes by adding spice and/or kindergartners to the plot, T-verse succeeded. I heard those midgets from Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory will be coming by the end of the 1st quarter. They’re working overtime.

Now if Monty is compelled to sing “MacArthur Park” after a time out with Jaime and Keri, I think the Mudlarks should forfeit. I know The Who rocked with “The Kids Are Alright” but I never took that literally.

At WDIG-TV studio where “Let’s Make a Deal” is being broadcast

“Now Dr. Pearl, you can keep the $500 or go for what’s behind Door #3 that Carol Merrill is showing us. Who knows, it might be that trip to Mudlark Lake Resorts.”

“I’m going to select Door #3, thank you.”

“All right, she gives me back the money, let’s see if she and her husband will be enjoying sunbathing together and-ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, my goodness, it’s a year’s supply of Dentu-Creme, all packed on that one donkey. Well, Dr. Pearl, the donkey can be easily led and if you can call one if your relatives with a pickup truck, your dentures won’t fall out, thank you so much for playing…”

I’m going to add some bottom

It’s ’bout the place where Gil’s brain sits

Gang, I have watched my family play sports for decades, I’ve had 2 nieces for cheerleaders, 1 nephew play baseball and cross country, my step-nephew play baseball and tennis, my brothers play football, one of my brothers make it up to the reserve team in basketball, one niece play freshman basketball, not to mention watch several of my ex-players play baseball and basketball, have been a loyal supporter of my college team for decades, one of the college coaches I have for a reference, and I have NEVER seen a basketball player stop and have a conversation with the PA announcer during live action. Maybe I’m getting crotchety.

Who is this Doug Guthrie that he can run off on the weekend to the Indianapolis 500 whenever he damn well pleases, then stops to chat with the fans while on the fast break? You never saw Magic Johnson run the floor and dish the rock to Kareem and talk with his stockbroker in the front row in between. Larry Bird didn’t swish a 25-footer, then chat with his buddies about Bow Season around French Lick. And I dare ANYONE to call Mom while waiting to rebound the ball during a free throw with Bob Knight as the coach. The inmates are not only running the prison, they’re having dinner dates with the prison guards at The Bucket. Where the warden is located is about like asking how the archaelogists dug Lucy out of the ground. You’d get dirt finding out and you’d still have more questions than answers.

And where is Gil????? Coach, do you let your players sing around the campfire at the jump circle? Agreed, they need to talk on defense but not talk while on defense. Or offense, for that matter. Coach, I think you better start taking charge or you’re going to have a whole seminar on the court en route to a 30-point butt-whipping at your expense. Your move, Warden.

“Ms. Rizk, I’ll give you $800 and you can keep your typewriter if you’ll call off the deal.”

“Can I keep Carol Merrill as a teacher’s aide?”

You might want to throw in some teamwork

Something that’s lacking as of late

We are in for a long season if Sherman and Mr. Peabody make any attempt to keep the game interesting with platitudes for nicknames. Goofy Gil Thorp and Morsel Irby are just going to grate the fans nerves, not to mention stretch the sanity level of the TWIMer readers. Scores in Bunches Muench is really not mike-friendly even if Sherman or Mr. Peabody are trying to get a rally going. Where’s Kicked Out Knappe when you need him? Oh, my bad, he’s ordering dinner for halftime festivities.

“And we’ll be back after these messages with the score, Rogers, 54, Milford, 51. Hopefully, somebody will shut up Mr. Peabody. Somebody ought to throw a Jay’s sub at him. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Thorp household one Saturday morning

“Mommy, there’s some men here who are taking the piano away. Daddy is out there with him and Daddy cleaned out his wallet to pay them.”

“What???? Keri, Mommy is going to have a long talk over this one.”

Heard out in the garage

“Yeah, that’s the one. Load that riding mower on the trailer.”

“Gil, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey, Mimi. I couldn’t afford those blue pills so I decided to sell some lawn equipment so I could perform better in bed. I decided not to put the jeep up as collateral.”

“Mommy, is he going to sell dog collars so he can go to bed with you?”

“Don’t be silly, Jaime. If Daddy would take those EREC-3500 pills like I’ve been on my hands and knees for him to do, we wouldn’t have this impromptu rummage sale.”

“I still think we ought to put the china cabinet on Ebay and sell it to the highest bidder. I’ll have my wiener boned up by the time MASH comes on WDIG-TV Rerun Night.”

“Gil, DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you march into the bathroom and do what a man’s gotta do.”

“When the Moment of Truth is almost upon me? When I can know what Keith Smart felt like in ’87 by auctioning off the pool table to the Milford Senior Citizens Condominiums and More???? Who wants to be Joe Hillman when I can drain the winning shot and get as erect as Bob Knight when he gets teched up by Ted Valentine?”

“Mr. Thorp, I’ll be coming for the cookie jars later.”

“NO THEY WON’T, GIL!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not going to ask you again. Those EREC-3500’s will keep us off the repo list.”

“Darling, Me and Kentucky Basketball have a lot of tradition. They just perform their tradition at Rupp Arena and I prefer to execute the 3-on-1 break in bed. Oh, I expect a little opposition but I’m gonna score. It’s how Kentucky is one of the all-time leaders in wins.”

“Mommy, do I have to sell my Tinkertoys for Daddy to get stone hard?”

“Of course not, Keri, why do you ask?”

“Because it’s on the porch.”

“Mimi was right, as usual. And I didn’t need to sell Raggedy Ann dolls to get my wiener up and blazing. With EREC-3500, there’s no need for garage sales or putting your couch in the want ad section. And good lawyers enabled us to buy all our possessions back that I foolishly posted on EBay or in Thrifty Nickel ads. I dipped into my Coach’s Retirement Fund to withstand the legal fees. With excellent finance terms available at rates that will get you erect in all phases of your body, isn’t it time you took charge of your manhood? Without the repo man at your door? Come to Milford Men’s Clinic where it is never difficult to get hard.”

I keep telling you, that isn’t Buddy Holly. Or Big Bopper behind him. They have a show Saturday at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater and need rest.

But God bless you, Gang, and Happy New Year

Continuing P3

“…so how’s your mom doing. Did she recover from her hysterectomy?”

“She’s been under heavy sedation but some Mott’s oughta do the trick…”

At the Thorp household one afternoon

“Gil, what are we going to do with a yacht?”

“Mimi, I won it on Let’s Make a Deal. That amd the elephant.”


Dance to the music

Dance to the music

Dance to the music…


  1. Wtf is that guy doin in P1? Vick D should call him Dorky Dougie instead of Drivin’ Doug

    Comment by franku2016 — January 5, 2021 @ 12:08 pm

  2. Doug used his monstrous left arm to clear space for an underhand set shot. No way to defend that!

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — January 5, 2021 @ 3:32 pm

  3. And what’s with the Mr. Microphone? I’ve never seen a PA system like that recently

    Comment by franku2016 — January 5, 2021 @ 4:29 pm

  4. Who does this mook think he is, Chris Berman?

    It’s all fun and games until “Mr. NBA Arena PA announcer” wants to start including musical cues and dittys and insists on calling players nicknames they don’t like…

    However, if Vic does like that old announcer for the Orlando Magic and says “TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNG!!!” I’ll take back some of the things I said about Rubin

    Comment by Hitorque — January 6, 2021 @ 12:40 am

  5. @Hitorque

    AFAIK, the Orlando Magic PA announcer is still the same guy they’ve had since the team started in ’89, Paul Porter. He also is the PA announcer for the Tampa Bay Lightning. He’s got a good voice, but I’ve never found his style to be all that remarkable.

    Like our friend, the real Vic Doucette, Paul Porter had a radio career for a while. They gave him a sports talk radio show for a while in the Tampa market, but he was dull and really brought nothing to it except his pipes.

    Comment by nedryerson — January 6, 2021 @ 6:31 am

  6. @NedRyerson

    When I did the announcing for the Miracle League of Michigan, I dropped in music and SFX and cranked the hype to 150%.

    Special-needs kids are the center of attention frequently…usually for a shitty reason. I wanted to give them a chance to be the center of attention for something cool. And, yeah, I gave some of ’em nicknames.

    Comment by Vic Doucette — January 6, 2021 @ 4:33 pm

  7. Great job as always, Gang. You are just heatin’ up and gettin’ into overdrive on another scenario that gets absurd by the day. And you’re keeping Democracy alive in the process.

    Ned, great stuff, My Man. You always give informative things to talk about and I learned a ton today and I’m sure I speak for a lot of people on that one.

    Vic, you also weighed in with great stuff. I salute all people who do SOMETHING to deal with the less fortunate. That’s great that you gave these kids their moment in the sun. They needed it. I can speak from experience with my own nephew who, BTW, got Employee of the Month at where he works. Sports gives them the confidence they need. Thanks again.

    God bless you all, Gang. You rock!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 6, 2021 @ 8:23 pm

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