This Week in Milford

January 12, 2021

Hit The Road, Gil, And Doncha Come Back No More.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:57 am

Gang, renember the Saturday Night Live sketch where Gilda Radner plays a little girl and Bill Murray and Jane Curtin play her parents and Gilda goes to bed at night and like a lot of kids, sometimes they get scared and they they think they hear things or see things? Well, Gilda’s no exception so she thinks she sees a monster when it’s just her coat crumpled up on a chair but the coup de grace is when her bed’s shaking and, a la The Exorcist, she thinks it’s possessed. Much to her embarrassment, it’s a bunch of nomads and gypsies living under her bed that are apparently boarders renting from Gilda’s parents.

That’s kinda sorta how I think Maureen’s granddaughter in P1 popped out of nowhere. They didn’t wonder why the table was vibrating?

I mean, give us a warning next time, Thorpiverse. She sits under the table doing her homework until the topic shifts gears, then she slithers out inthe middle of her memorozing the trig ratios? Now if this educated man is proffering an educated guess, she is more than likely the waitress but I have not seen too many waitresses wearing Carrie White dresses shoot up from the floor. Did you ever see the Domino’s delivery guy with a pepperoni appear out of the parquetry? Well, maybe in T-verse, but anywhere else? Hey, Rocky, watch me pull Sissy Spacek out of my hat.

But we’re learning about cars, that’s the main thing, even if plot development is coming out of those doors Maxwell Smart used to walk into for his next assignment.

I was amazed that some bank was voted the best bank in their county. Hats off to them though I’m confident banks in less populated counties are not going to get much competition

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Selected As Best Running Back In The County According To Milford Parks & Recreation Flag Football League Officials!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Nobody can match my speed or agility or when I run that off-tackle play which I worked on over the summer.”

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back

No more

No more

No more

No more

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back no morrrrreeeee

Get the hint, Gil

And doncha waste our time

No more

No more

No more

No more

Get the hint, Gil

We don’t want you here no morrreeeeeeeee

Gil, oh, Gil

Don’t bore us to death

This story’s losing juice, going to run out of breath

If development crawls so slow

Gil, you better pack and go

Get the hint, Gil…

In Dr. Pearl’s office as she is filing Thumbtack Supply Reports-2007

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE DESK IS SHAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALL A PRIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gil’s voice is heard

” Dr. Pearl, do you mind? I’m doing our walk-through.”

And nobody more than me commends Vic for his courageous fight with his situation and I salute the automakers who do everything possible to manufacture handicap-friendly vehicles at an affordable cost.

But Vic was mild-mannered Clark Kent and a humble one at that, especially when he posed the question to Gil. Now he’s like Linus who used to do those wild-eyed fanatic expressions in front of Charlie Brown. And leave it to Gil to send a feel- good story to the showers. It was fun while it lasted.

I don’t mind Vic essentially explaining his situation like he’s doing in P1 but we can do without Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde exchanges. I’ll leave it up to you which one he is masterminding while’s he’s munching his gratis hot dog and imitating the K.C. & The Sunshine Band while announcing who committed the foul. Maybe he and Maureen’s grandaughter in P1 can be the next Sonny & Cher duo. Y’know, singing “The Beat Goes On” every time Milford stages a rally or “I Got You Babe” every time the ref makes a bad call. Called a foul when the Mudlark barely breathed on the opponent? “You Better Sit Down, Kids.”

“That’s right, Milford Diner was voted best in the county. And to show our appreciation, now until this Sunday, kids eat for half off at our Meat Loaf Buffet, drinks included. Sorry, kids cannot indulge from the keg…”

Why are we not surprised what Doug is saying in P2? Doug, I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re Gil with a DUI as a result of excessive drinking at the Milford Lounge, we get the gist of your situation. You like cars. Duh.

What we still HAVEN’T seen and I’m bettin’ Corina’s attitude we WON’T see right off the bat is your ability to play basketball. Currently we’re viewing more Indianapolis 500 than NBA Finals and, while I’m not a big racing fan, I do like the sport but if this is basketball season can you for once TALK BASKETBALL???? Because if you’re a starter on the team, you are way out of character at this juncture. You could hold a conversation better with Michael Andretti better than Larry Bird. If we see you at the corner booth with these guys with Nascar and Pennsoil and STP and I Love Racing Better Than Vocational Career Testing With Dr. Pearl sewn on their jackets, we are going to figure you are not talking about Wilt’s 100-point game in much depth.

And Gil just lets this guy cruise the streets of Milford in his Richard Petty Special at the expense of the basketball team? Sure, Doug, go have fun kickin’ exhaust fumes in Al Unser’s face at the Milford 400. Just work on your free throws when you make a pit stop. Remember, eye the front of the rim and follow through. I’m glad A. J. Foyt is going to go one-on-one. Need to work on your moves to the bucket, especially the give-and-go. Oh, you have some basketballs right behind your seat? I won’t have to order anymore turbo-smoke-resistant Spaldings? Awesome.

If ya play point gawrd on th’ basketball team and ya had ta leave at halftime cuz ya work fer a towin’ company that tows ravers at th’ Milford 400 and ya had ta tow Buddy Baker’s wreckage, charred body included, ta take ta th’ Milford City Dump, ya might be a redneck.

And it’s so classy for Doug to be the hero for Vic “Too Loud For Milford Dog Show” Doucette. Yeah, that’s right, you scratch my back, I’ll kiss your butt. I’m a bit foggy on who’s going to be doing the butt-kissing, the jury’s still out, but we for now know that a special relationship is blossoming right under the hood. Gee, if we could just see what that has to do with the basketball season, I be at peace with myself until at least March. Doug hitting 3-pointers when he’s not getting greasy changing the carburetor filter in his car and licking Vic’s boots or mike, depending on whether Doug is in the mood to genuflect. But the same could be said for Vic licking Doug’s open-end wrench. Again, the jury’s still out. I’d hate to see what Dr. Pearl would do if she asked Doug to fix her car. Blow on the turbo exhaust pipe?

“Gil, I need those Referee W-2’s-2015 Reports by this afternoon.”

“Said and done. BTW, what’s that black ring around your mouth?”

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back

No more

No more

No more

No more

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back no moreeeeeeeeee

Mimi, whatchoo say

Get a grip, Gil

And doncha come back

No more

No more

No more

No more

Get the drift, Gil

And doncha come back no morrrreeeeeeee

Whoa, Gil, O, Gil, don’t treat us so mean

Gnashing crummy scripts than we’ve ever seen

Exerting toothpicks to hoe

Gil, you best be packin’ and go

Get the drift, Gil…

And in P3, did Maureen’s granddaughter shove her waitress’s note pad in the gym locker and become the Harlem Globetrotters? I was wondering why I heard “Sweet Georgia Brown” in the background why I was piling on the meat loaf at the buffet table at Milford Diner. You want your Baked Salmon medium-rare? Oops, got a ball game in 30 minutes. Coach Mimi wants us there for lay-up drills 15 minutes before tip-off. Enjoy your meal.

And why should we not be surprised? Next thing you know, we’ll find out that Mimi’s mom is actually Endora. That’s right, if the girls basketball team falls behind, just call on Endora who is sitting in the 3rd row in the bleachers to wiggle her lips. Voila, the Lady Mudlarks pull it out by five. Clutch free throws and Endora popping up by the concession stand out of the blue with all that smoke around her, a sure-fire formula for Lady Mudlarks winning basletball. Why not, Gil’s been doing that for 60 years. The only difference is he been the recipient of the gods smiling on him, endowing him wth pro wrestling scripts where the good guy many times wins thanks to clean living and obnoxious fans booing the opposition, even fans OF the opposition booing the opposition. You got it good, Gil. Nice to have Philistines on your end of the bench when competing against Goliath.

At the Thorp household one night

“Oh, God, Gil, keep it coming, keep it coming.”

Endora comes out of the closet

“Endora, do you mind? Can’t you drag your baggy body in here some other time?”

“Gil, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! She might turn you into a squirrel!!!!!!!!!! Look what she did to Darren Stephens. He’s eating peanuts now at the Milford Zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“…and Milford is running up and down the court, playing keepaway, while the opponent is losing at this game of which I speak. An official’s time out is being called to give everybody a chance to catch their breath. We’ll be back to resume this unforseen track meet after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Whew!!!!!!!!!! Boy, coaching 5 games a year can keep a person hopping and sometimes you neglect the other things in my life. When my husband started calling me Rhino Butt, even if he was just joking, that’s what he told me anyway, I had to go to the mirror. And it wasn’t good. I had gained several pounds. I was wondering why my abdomen felt scrunched when I was crouching and diagraming a play. I couldn’t have been pregnant, I had my last child before the millenium. Face it, I had a beer gut.

Hi, this is Mimi Thorp and I naturally panicked until Peaches suggested a wonderful place after Marty said he was having sex with a baby walrus. At the Milford Nutr-Well Center, they understand that our active go-go lifestyles can sometimes produce love handles. And if you don’t want your husband eloping on your second honeymoon by sweeping you off your feet by grabbing your stomach, the Nutr-Well Center has some wonderful diet plans. I didn’t want to get tossed around the wrestling ring like I was going to get body-slammed by my husband, so I listened.

And was I surprised. I thought I’d be eternally doomed pushing the Sisyphus Rock and eating fried zucchini on a banana split made from mangoes and zebra milk. With pumpernickel Oreos for dessert. I don’t even want to talk about where the cola came from but tribes in ancient Africa made their enemies drink it when they were conquered.

No, I found that I could feast on Pizza Hut Pan Sausage Pizza made from artificial sausage that my husband at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant manufactures in the lab. I don’t know how they were able to get prime sausage by pouring it in an Erlenmeyer flask without shooting the hog but I DID lose five pounds and in the end, if it got the W, then they can use a BB gun on Porky Pig for all I care.

And I was patiently shown how to weigh my portions and with an affordable price that won’t strain your budget or your waistline, they give you a free scale to take home. They showed me how to place the slices of pumpkin pie on the scale so it doesn’t fall on the floor. Believe me, there”s an art to clumping Cool Whip on your lemon meringue and still lose the inches and not let the roaches feast on the crumbs on your linoleum countertop. My husband was surprised how I could dump strawberries on my shortcake and lose my double chin and not have to use Pine Sol to clean up the mess. Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, good.

They also gave me handouts on the proper aerobicizing schedule when you’re weighing your Wendy’s Double Cheese on the scale. These aerobics are great addendums to a wonderful diet agenda and the best is yet to be. It was fun shaking my booty to Ozark Mountain Daredevils’ ‘Jackie Blue’ and getting rewarded with an On Cor Breaded Stack that I was able to stack on the scale with a deftness reserved for Alexander Calder. It might have been the Leaning Tower of Pisa but again, an ugly win is better than a pretty loss. And I have been losing the pounds by the inch. My husband says it’s less of a strain in bed. No more Heartbreak Hill’s. Next week, I’ll be workin’ my pecs and weighin’ my lobster to Eric Clapton’s ‘Tangled in Love’. My diet counselor told me to make sure you stun the lobster before you put in on the scale.

And forget about Chocolate shakes and starve all day until the dinner bell. Go to The Bucket if you want to lose weight pursuing that angle. At Milford Nutr-Well Center, you can even drink beer if you’ve been vigilant in your endeavors to slimming down. And I can say how wonderful it was to stick that Bud can on the scale after dancing to ‘Hooked on Classics-Rose Garden’. Lynn Anderson never sounded better with The Trammps as her backup band. Victory Beers never tasted sweeter.

It’s up to you. You pack your own chute. Come watch your own parachute unfold before you and feel as light as your high school days and get a free scale along the way. Sounds like a winning recipe to me. Only at Milford Nutr-Well Center.”

Gang, thank you for hanging with me. I was on the road for my dad again and I was wiped out when done. But you all have been good to me. You deserved my best efforts. God bless you all.

And doncha come back no morrrrrreeeeeee

Wait a minute (Doncha come back no morrrreeee)

That baseball plot served free pizza (Doncha come back no morrrrreeeeee)

I take back what I said about Dr. Pearl and her breast implants (Doncha come back no morrrrrreeeeee)

Mimi really doesn’t have a rhino butt. I saw her putting Birds-Eye Frozen Peas on the scale (Doncha come back no morrrreeeeeeee)

We’ll quit scrimmaging and start playing basketball by the end of January (Doncha come back no morrrrreeeeeeee)

Mimi’s butt doesn’t look like the Brooklyn Tunnel (Doncha come back…)


  1. She could be some girl from Milford who stopped by to mention to everyone “…you know what they say about guys who drive big cars or pick-up trucks right?…that they are makin’ up for something else….”

    Comment by franku2016 — January 12, 2021 @ 11:03 am

  2. Cool… So the kid probably subscribes to “Motor Trend” and is congratulating himself on remembering that one obscure vehicle for the one opportunity in his life that he’d have a natural opening to mention it in a conversation… Give him a medal

    Comment by Hitorque — January 12, 2021 @ 2:54 pm

  3. Absolutely right hitorque. Kinda like me if someone ever mentions the band Lumpy and the Dumpers.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 12, 2021 @ 4:53 pm

  4. “Ummm, good to know. Who ordered the Crunchy Frog Bucket Shake?”

    Comment by nedryerson — January 13, 2021 @ 8:52 am

  5. Gang, great job as always. You people just flat-out keep it comin’ and I just sit back and watch. I am so proud of the TWIMer readers.

    Oh God, Ned, you Python you. I LMAO the first time I saw that sketch when I was a high school freshman and I burst out laughing when I saw you bring it up. You KNOW Python is welcome around here.

    God bless you all. You make my day every day.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 13, 2021 @ 7:21 pm

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