This Week in Milford

January 21, 2021

Where’s Corina The Plot-Slayer When You Need Her?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:48 pm

The pile of wienerschnitzels on this bad boy is getting deep and Corina must have called in. We are getting deluged with a pile of manure that not even the popcorn scooper can shovel out the back janitor’s door. Usually if dubious circumstances such as the present state of affairs start reaching DUD proportions, Corina is there to cut out all the deadwood and make the storyline believable. At least that was the job description. I still don’t think she should have won the MVP in football but she got 2 lunkheads back to thinking TEAM, so I’ll overlook the travesty this time. And she got the football team to sit in the same bleachers. And all it took was a Betty Crocker batch of brownies out of the oven.

But she apparently set the timer AND DID INDEED forgot it as the roast is burning as this 3-alarm fire is doling out cheap store-brand hot dogs if the lottery numbers match on your learner’s permit. Remind me never to have her put my Eggo waffles in the toaster. If Vic continues to have the concession stand eaten out of house and home, my Eggo waffle could be an artifact before its time.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Disputes Decision By The Milford Powerball Commission!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I showed the cashier my driver’s license at the Milford 7-11. The first 3 numbers are all 7’s. I know the 2nd number is hard to read but ain’t the Commission got a magnifying glass under the desk?”

And my opinion of Milford High School and the town in general went down the tubes in P1. Okay, I’ve been in Babe Ruth League where we had raffles and promos that were fun and got people involved in the action. In the 3rd inning, for example, if you bought one Laffee Taffee, you got another one free. If you bought a large bar-b-q sandwich and some fries, you got a free small Coke. Fun things for the whole family and the kids got involved. They wouldn’t turn away free Snickers, trust me. And if you had the winning ticket, you got a free catcher’s mitt. And we ran a promo on a raffle for a new car at the end of the year. Again, it keeps people interested and the kids playing ball.

But P1 is a joke. This jerk is giving the Mudlarks a bad name. I’m visualizing this pinhead frantically rummaging through his wallet, through pictures of his girlfriend posing in the raw, bowling receipts, a carbon copy of the citation he got for running a red light, Harbor Tools Freight coupons for a free ball peen hammer, Burger King coupon for a free Whopper and Danish when you hit the drive-thru between 3 and 7, his invoice he received on his textbooks at Milford High Bookstore, just to be digging out his driver’s licence just so he can say he’s an Oscar Meyer Wiener. Well, he didn’t have to sift through those nude pictures if that’s what he wanted. He already has that status without Oscar Meyer attached to it.

And weren’t you caught a little off-guard when he told ol’ Wienerhead to give THIS to the cashier? Like, what’s ol’ Wienerhead going to do with Vic’s mike? Croon like Elvis “Don’t Be Cruel” in front of the concession stand?

“Oh, that rendition of ‘Suspicious Minds’ is so moving. And you sing with such enthusiasm!!!!! Here, let me put more pickles on your frankfurter.”

But then I saw the OTHER hand. Still, that didn’t help. For all we know, he’s giving ol’ Wienerschnitzelhead a potato chip. That’s right, give the cashier this Lay’s Sour Cream chip I found under the bleachers to get your free dog. Don’t forget to sign for it. I was going to guess a Pringles chip but aren’t they arc-shaped?

And OKAY, if you look hard enough, it winds up being a piece of paper but if I could take that slip of paper to the Milford Immigration Office and nobody flinches, God, the possibilities. Do I really have to show the concession stand my Green Card to get a wiener that’s been boiling in the sink too long on a bun that looks like Gil’s children were playing with them in the back yard?

“Here, take this to the concession stand for your free hot dog.”

“But that’s an Oreo cookie.”

“I know. I’m sorry, we ran out of Nutter Butter Sandwich Cookies.”

If ya take yore driver’s license ta th’ butcher shop ta show th’ butcher so yuz kin git free turkey gizzards fer a year, ya might be a redneck.

WIN A DATE WITH HARRY CARAY AND HIS BUD BOTTLE???? That’s right, if your driver’s license picture matches the photo at the Milford Post Office, you’ll win a night on the town with dinner for two at Milford Diner. All expenses paid, of course. That’s important, because if I’m a girl, I not only want to date the sexiest male in Milford behind the mike, I want to make sure the meat loaf buffet table is on the house. I want no misunderstandings when we’re tripping the light fantastic.

Now I realize they were talking about In Dire Need Of A Life Doug but I need another paragraph of humorous anecdotes for that one. Only so many that “Laughter, The Best Medicine” from Reader’s Digest can supply. I have to dig up another issue from the ’70’s in my library bag. Be patient.

And, Thorpiverse, whatever happened to MEANWHILE? In the days of Berrill, if we were handing some turd his hall pass to the concession stand for free Bic Macs and over-microwaved nacho chips when he surrendered his birth certificate in one scene, then abruptly switched to The Bucket for Bucket Burgers and Bucket Buffalo Fries nailed to the table consumed by avaricious teenagers in the next scene, it was interposed with a MEANWHILE. Otherwise, the game ended and Bucket BOGO Spaghetti Specials began at warp speed. Well, Vic will get past the speed traps anyway if he’s maneuvering his vehicle in light-years.

Now, Thorpiverse, don’t get lazy on me. It’s simple. Let me show you

Scene one

“Where’s Vic? That 2-faced shiftless skunk liar said if I showed my permission slip from my parole officer, I’d get a free chili cheese footlong frankfurter and pork rinds.”

“Did you check Gil’s office? He told Vic to keep his bar mitzvah basketball-related.”

MEANWHILE

Scene two

“Ohhhhhh, I can’t sit on the john forever. I should have never eaten that Bucket Banana Split. I’m shittin’ more bricks than Doug the Indy Driver.”

Door opens in bathroom

“Vic, The Bucket closes in 15 minutes.”

You see? The transition is smoother. We don’t find ourselves smelling Vic’s entrails without a warning. Berrill gave us a chance to reach for our gas masks. Problem solved.

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Date Set For Hearing By Milford Powerball Commission On Recent Controversy!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘Cochrane told me to bring all the receipts. I KNOW I bought that Slushee. I remember a fly swimming in it. I’m getting that Footlong come Hell or high water.'”

And duhhhhh, that’s Doug Guthrie in the middle. Did you EVER see Captain Kangaroo with squares and rhombi on his jacket? You will never see Mr. Moose have a Pennzoil rectangle sewn on his antlers. Thorpiverse, quit insulting our intelligence. We’ve never seen Napa Auto Parts pasted on the back of Gil’s sweat pants and I doubt were he to turn around and display his ugly crack when he’s talking to Marjie Dudley that we would see it now. You’re wearing this Doug May Be An Obnoxious Basketball Jerk But He’s A Good Ole Boy Deep Down Because I Saw Him Change The Oil With Roger Penske This Morning angle a hit too thin. We get it, T-verse, Doug loves racing and basketball. We still haven’t seen essentially any basketball out of him but we get it, T-verse. That’s what counts.

“You’re going to have to overhaul that whole engine if you want to race this machine at Milford Midget Car Invitational. I can get you something from Milford Pull-A-Part, but it won’t be cheap.”

“Fine. Here’s my credit card. It’s got an $8000 limit. Have at it.”

“Cool!!!!!!!!! You still want the tie rods thrown in?”

“Might as well. I have to negotiate those turns without running into the wall. Thank you, Cliff.”

“No problem, Dr. Pearl.”

And I think what Doug is driving at is that if some girl wants to win a date with him to Milford Diner, she’s going to have to go through his GTO. Why should that surprise us, Gil’s had to go through Doug’s whole damn garage just to get him to show up for basketball practice. It must be nice to swing your tool box around and if you finally feel like getting in the line for the rebounding drill, saints be praised. Patience and discipline, Coach, the keys to any championship.

Coach Thorp, I hate to break it to you but players don’t show up at game time or practices when they damn well please. It took Corina and her oven of mystery baked merchandise to get players back on the same page; where were you in the mix, in the studio audience on the Rachel Ray Dessert Hour?

But the same question could be posed to Corina. Girl, you’ve ruined or wrecked many a plot thus far but you run to Mama when Vic is handing out free hot dogs to Milford Skid Row and Doug is burying his head in a car as much as he’s burying it in his butt? A guy plagued with rectangles all over his jacket is just open game for the Elmer Fudds of this world but you choose to shoot at Foghorn Leghorn and miss the mark and let Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny run all over Toonerville and let both of them back in Bugs’ rabbit hole. Shame, shame. When people aren’t up for wrecking plots, they deserve to be distributing free hot dogs at the concession stand forever in the Other Life as punishment. Adding eternal relish will make ol’ Corina start to live right.

Late breaking edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Chairperson Ito Unable To Establish Quorum According To By-Laws Interpretation!!!!!!!!!!! Hot Dog Controversy Remains In Abeyance!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘Cochran told me that the dispute revolves around whether kids attending the meeting constitutes Satisfactory Attendance.”

“And we are about to tip off between the Milford Mudlarks and the Schlabotnik No Names and we’ll be back with exciting action in a moment and reminding you, the concession stand is running Senior Night. That’s right, if you bring your ID and prove your 65 and over, you’ll get a Super Size Kit Kat bar with a purchase of our mouth-watering bratwursts. Mmmm, mmmm, Kit Kat dipped in marinaded sauce hits the taste buds every time. Don’t miss your opportunity at redemption. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

While Mimi is weighing her Fazoli’s Bread Sticks on the scale as part of her Milford Nutr-Well Plan

“Mommy, Daddy’s using bad words again. He’s going through all the pillows on the couch looking for something. I think he wants to get hard again.”

“Thank you, Keri, Mommy will see what Daddy has his breadsticks stuck up his butt over.”

In the Thorp living room

“GODDAMIT!!!!!!!!!! SHIT, I KNOW I PUT THOSE S & H GREEN STAMPS SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR MY ERECTILE MEDICATIONS NOW?????”

“Gil, you’re scaring the kids. And I can see your butt when you’re digging into the recliner. What’s up?”

“Damn, Woman, I can’t find any way to finance my cure for impotency. I looked everywhere for that Milford Men’s Clinic Coupon Book. If you hand the receptionist a coupon, you’ll get a 10% discount on your next penal injection. I could use the markdown with the water bill coming this week. Saving money pumps me up.”

“Mommy, I didn’t know Daddy had a tattoo on his crack. I could see it when he was looking for his blue pills under the bathroom sink. What does ‘Semper Fudd’ mean?”

“Jaime, Sweetie, that’s ‘Semper Fi’ and it’s when he was in the Marines. And if Daddy would take those EREC-3500 lozenges like I have begged him to do, he wouldn’t embarrass himself or his family.”

“Hey, I know, I have those wad of $2 bills in the bottom of the China cabinet. I stuck ’em behind the silverware. Let me see here…”

“Gil, I can see your Jockey Brand Boxers. And I can see the stains. I’m doing a load of laundry this afternoon. Why don’t you stand up and be counted? We can have a quickie after the kids get picked up to go to the movies.”

“No way!!!!! I still have points left in my Milford Men’s Clinic Gift Card. It’s down here underneath the stereo. I had to keep it in a safe place.”

“Mommy, does Daddy need Clearasil? Because there’s pimples all over his butt.”

“When your kids can see what you don’t see, it’s time to man up and face the facts. And after I brush my teeth with Crest and rinse my mouth with Scope, I take a lozenge and a glass of water and then I go to town with Mimi. I’ve never had so much fun outside of winning the State in ’75. With treatment plans that work, get your butt down to the Clinic and rinse out your own personal erection issues. It’s like Scope for your wiener. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

Gang, come to Milford’s game this week and win a chance at escaping this farce. You must be present to enter and be 18 or over. Someone’s gonna win it. Might as well be you.

And God bless you, Gang.

7 Comments »

  1. 1. “HURR DURR DURR HOWZA BOUT GIVING AWAY A DATE WITH MY TEAMMATE DOUGIE?!” What teammates actually talk like this? I know times are different and we’ve supposedly evolved, but “Maybe next game you can up the ante by giving away a date with the Cheerleading Captain and her glorious warheads! I’ve got a ‘foot-long’ for her to devour!!” would have been much more realistic.

    2. “Doug? No way!! Too much time away from his GTO!” Motherfucker what on Earth makes you think he *wouldn’t* be driving his GTO on a date with some girl?? How does Vic’s snappy retort land anywhere near the universe of “humor”?? It seems like Peppermint Patty’s penchant for “It-sounded-funny-in-my-head-but-when-I-blurted-it-out-it-was-the-king-of-all-WTF-non-sequiturs” is catching on with the rest of the student body…

    Comment by hitorque — January 21, 2021 @ 2:12 pm

  2. Yeah. Guy in P1 is a fuckin dork. Vic should tell him “..holy shit!!….does this look like the fuckin snack bar?… Get lost skippy, and go show your fake ID to the junior high kids workin’ the hot dog stand…cause I don’t give a fuck if you won or not….and GET YOUR DIRTY ASS CLOD-HOPPERS OFF THE COURT GODDAMMIT!!…”

    Comment by franku2016 — January 21, 2021 @ 2:16 pm

  3. This turd is Arnie from the movie Christine. DEATH!! To the shitters of the world!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 21, 2021 @ 4:11 pm

  4. And of course the GTO is a “barn find” since Rubin has to trot out every cliche in the book… I swear to God there’s more “barn finds” on the road today than there are barns!

    Comment by Hitorque — January 21, 2021 @ 7:47 pm

  5. Great job, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hitorque, I always love your analyses. Your discussions are well-argued and are a welcome comttribution to this site. Please keep this coming. I enjoy reading what you have to say.
    Frank, you are on a roll. Stay with it as you have had Gil and his Band of Merry Men on a skewer for quite some time. Yiu da Man.
    Jive Turkey, you always get to the heart of the matter, a welcome relief from this malaise that just won’t go away. We’ll get to the point, maybe. You accentuate that with your outstanding wit. Keep it coming, My Man.

    Mopman, thank you for the Like. I like your site and you were Mystery Science Theater in another life(ha). I think you’re hilarious. Again, thanks for the vote of confidence.

    God bless you, Gang. You keep Democracy alive.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 25, 2021 @ 2:48 pm

  6. […] Restoring a barn find, rebuilt it with my dadGot my GTO, I don’t need girls you see […]

    Pingback by Sometimes, the Lyrics Write Themselves | This Week in Milford — January 30, 2021 @ 11:22 pm

  7. […] are getting drivers’ licenses, it’s become even less of a thing. Maybe that’s why girls don’t compete with Goats for Doug […]

    Pingback by Saying the Quiet Part Loud | This Week in Milford — March 6, 2021 @ 11:19 pm


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