This Week in Milford

January 26, 2021

Kould We Kut The Kruddy Krap Sometime Soon?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:46 am

Whoa Whoa Whoa. Is that The Joker’s daughter in P1? Okay, so it’s one of Corina’s volleyball buddies who decided to go out for basketball because she’s about the only human being willing to stomach Corina’s sewerline mentality but SHEESH, she didn’t apply lipstick, she mixed her lipstick in with a Play-Doh base and liberally smudged over every inch of her labial functions. Did you ever see Mrs. Potato Head use Revlon on her lips? Exhibit A in P1. This is what happens when Mrs. Potato Head is a widow after Mr. Potato Head got shredded for somebody’s mashed potatoes and she got lonely so she got dressed up for Milford Singles Square Dance Night at Milford Community Center and would spray-paint her mouth if it meant getting a dance with another Mr. Potato Head. There’s plenty of those toys at Milford Hobby Corner. And did she use a stub pencil to line her brows? Only The Joker knows. I don’t know if I’d want a date with her. It’d be like smooching a Glidden paint can.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Makes Solid Arguments At Milford Gaming Commission Meeting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’m still holding out on winning the Lotto AND free Oscar Meyer Wieners for life.”

And Gang, aren’t you gettingvtired of The Joker’s daughter lapping up to Corina? I surely am. Really, has ANYONE seen her put in serious minutes as either a volleyball player or basketball player. She’s been wearing the uniforms but, shoot, Thorpiverse could sneak in Fred and Barney in volleyball togs and people might not know the difference. Fred hump on that dinosaur and go to work, digging for gravel rock all day and Mr. Slate not wonder why he has Milford Volleyball across his chest. Now maybe when Fred goes home and Wilma is cutting the vegetables with a tiny pterodactyl for roast that evening, the pterodactyl might notice and that be his only line of the show

“Wow. I’ve cut bread, veggies, rump roasts, filet mignon, Snickers bars for Pebbles and Bam Bam but I’ve never seen that dimbulb wear a girls volleyball uniform before”

With the laugh track heard in the background. NOT EVEN WILMA NOTICES. A pterodactyl specimen has apercu that the rest of the Hanna-Barbera characters appear to lack.

But that’s what’s happening here.

Geez, they could all be playing volleyball, volleyball season ends, then they all hibernate in the locker room until basketball season rolls around. God, no wonder why Corina didn’t show up when Vic was making a spectacle of himself with all these silly promotions. Vic was giving out free cheddar chesse bratwursts and Cokes while Corina was snoozing in her locker. Get your head out of clothers hamper, Corina.

What a plot. The Joker’s daughter hanging on every word Corina drips out of her mouth when she’s not in La La Land. And all she needs is a fresh change of uniform, depending on the season, naturally.

If ya keep the same fatigues on fer duck season that ya kept on fer deer season that ya kept on fer deer-bow season that ya kept on fer raccoon season that ya kept on fer snipe season that ya kept on fer elephant season when ya wint on that sur-fari in Af-ree-ka and never once took ta th’ laund’rmat, ya might be a redneck.

The K-Mart Brigade is on display today along with chunky bracelets and Coke cups that include algebra symbols on them. I should be able to solve Pythogorean’s Theorem by the time the ice melts in the cup.

And I THINK Thorpiverse is implying that Tessi is a spacy girlie-girl who spends more time dwelling on the local gossip than working on her free throw percentage. That’s not a bad storyline but anyone looking for Mimi to resolve that one might be better served staring at all the plus signs on the Coke cup. They might get mesmerized and transform into Archytas before they walk out of The Bucket. I don’t know if Anaximander was a former Valley Girl but if that was the case, you KNOW it was as a result of glaring at one Coke cup too many.

Mimi takes charge about as many times as Socrates takes charge of the girls basketball team. Socrates is more likely to teach team defense than Mimi, or Gil, for that matter. He and Corina will be working with the girls team on the pick and roll this afternoon. Therefore, Tessi is likely to be frequenting K-Mart the next 2-3 months.

“There, that’s the last Twinkie. I have them all weighed. And I am proud to say I am well within the Milford Nutr-Well plan.”

“Congratulations, Dr. Pearl. Now can the Biology Lab have its scale back?”

And the chunky bracelets make their presence known in P2. They’re almost like a bad epidemic that is spreading all over M-Town. If your dentist sports a lunky piece of jewelry by the time you’re getting a tooth extract, it is too late: He did not get the vaccine at the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic. And is that a purse in the corner or a One Way Bible? A fine way to ward off the epidemic. Now if she bought it at K-Mart and it was meant for a gift to Korina or Kay or Kourtney or Katie or Kelsey or Klunky or Klutzie or…

And the atmosphere at The Bucket is so 2001: Space Odyssey it reeks of smelly Coke cups. Are those streaks in the window or is Luke and the rest of Intergalactica at war with Darth Vader again? I know the retention of Gil as coach is always a hot item but no need to terrorize the skies and drastically alter The Bucket landscape to get your point across.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Vic Doucette Called In To Testify On O.J.’s Behalf!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I saw his driver’s license. Nobody was more entitled to Milford Butcher Shop dried wieners more than him. He’s as America as hot dogs and Harold Stassen.”

My goodness, look at Corina. At least The Joker’s daughter didn’t walk through a car wash on the way to The Bucket. I’m unclear whether Corina was guarding the other team’s best player or The Moon Dogs. If Jerry Lawler’s daughter was indeed wrestling Andy Kaufman at the Mid-South Coliseum, I hope she won. I’ll even take she won by Disqualification because Andy was a wussy. That’s right, The Bucket where Tommy Rich and The Fabulous Moolah go to get their nutrients after winning the Milford Death Match at Milford Veterans Coliseum. If Corina got her face rubbed in the wrestling ring by The Fabulous Free Birds, she better have a date with Terry Gordy in a corner booth for a Bucket Banana Split or it wasn’t worth getting her face slammed in the turnbuckle. Did you ever see The Joker or his daughter get thrown through the ropes by The King or Jeff Jarrett? Case closed.

“Gil, I know that scale is here somewhere. I need SOMETHING to weigh my Russell Stover box.”

“Did you check the bathroom closet?”

Oh this is fake all right and again, I think the Thorpiverse angle is trying to portray Tessi as a ditzy, plastic individual but I’m getting mixed signals here. After Corina ripped her guts out, now she’s trying to scoop her intestines back in hrr body. Boy, this is a plot with a clue attached to it. Are they going to have tea and scones after the next basketball game? Assuming Tessi’s body is all sewn up by then. This Flex-Plot approach really isn’t cooking in the water but I’ll just kick back abd watch a bronco kick in all directions. I’ve watched rodeos on ABC Wide World of Sports. There might be a point by Valentine’s Day. Retail sales normally pick up after the post-Christmas lag. Why can’t plots with its intestines hanging out? It can happen.

“And we’ll be back after these messages with the score, Milford, 61, Generic Punching Bag of a Team, 37, here with 2:15 left in the 3rd quarter. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Thorp hoisehold late one night

DING!!!!!!!! DONG!!!!!!!!!!

Mimi, weighing her curds and whey as part of the Milford Nutr-Well You Can Be Sexy In Six Days Diet Plan, wonders who that could be

“Mommy, some man with a vacuum cleaner is at the door.”

“WHAT???? I didn’t call anybody!!!!!!”

Gil to the rescue

“Oh, great!!!!!!!!! Thanks for coming on such short notice. Here’s that coupon for Three Rooms Cleaned plus The Hallway, Shampooing Included.”

“Gil, what is going on?”

“Mimi, after our dogs pooped in the den and we forgot to potty train the puppy, I thought desperate measures were in order. So what better time to scrape that poop right off our shoes, Sweet Virginia, than to have the Godfather of Steam-Cleaning, Milford Carpet and Upholstery Cleaning.”

“Gil, it is 10:00PM.”

“Honey, when I’m seeing dead bed bugs on the sofa, I knew it was time to take charge of our sanitation. Do you want to see Keri and Jaime get typhoid fever from watching Johnny Quest on TV while lazing on the recliner? Didn’t think so.”

“And shit, I got an extree pow’rful hose that’ll suck them termites and chiggers right off the arm rest and the pillo’s or yore money back.”

“See, Mimi? We’re in good hands.”

“Gil, he surely isn’t going to do all this in the children’s bedroom. They’re about to go to bed.”

“Honey, sometimes when Jaime wets the bed, I don’t have any Pine-Sol. Thank God, this man is here to evaporate all that moisture. Isn’t that right?”

“Hell, yeah. I have an upholst’ry cleaner that has more oxides than a pig has slop. I guar’ntee yore kid’ll be sleeping under dry foam-cleaned sheets. Them oxides will drag them pee stains and odors right off!!!!!!!!”

“And he’ll vacuum all the dirt out of the kids’ room for 1/2 off when you buy 2 large drums of Milford Carpet & Upholstery Cleaning Pet Odor Removal. They already forklifted them in the garage.”

“Shit, this vacuum cleaner will fe’ret out all the loose paper and toy parts. You kin lick rocky road off the carpet after I git dun vacuumin’. By God, that chewing gum stuck to the carpet won’t know what hit it.”

“Gil, if this is meant to avoid going to bed because you have erectile issues, the FedEx man should be coming anytime now with a refill.”

Dead silence

“I reckon the vacuum cain’t suck yore limpiness out of yore wiener, Mr. Thorp.”

“Thank God the FedEx man arrived none too soon. And we were able to reschedule our carpet cleaning appointment. The vacuum guy was working double time anyway; he got a fat check at the end of the week, he was happy.

And we were too. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic and get your own sexual problems cleaned up. You won’t have to use Janitor in a Drum for that. And you’ll have a lot of fun. Only at The Clinic.”

Kut it out, Gang. I’m mad as Hell and I kan’t take it anymore.

But God bless you, anyway.

Late edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Change Of Venue Requested By Cochran At Milford Gaming Commission Meeting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ain’t no way we could get a fair hearing when this is news all over Milford. And I’m gonna get my cake and Oscar Meyer Wiener crate too.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, Vic said if I take off all my clothes, I’ll get a free lollipop!!!!!!!”

“Uhhhhh, let me go talk to Vic. I’ll give you the reat of these Sun-Maid Raisins if you’ll keep your clothes ON.”

7 Comments »

  1. “…so then, Kris said to Kim and Kourtney, Korina sure is a K**t with a capital K…”

    Comment by franku2016 — January 26, 2021 @ 1:03 pm

  2. 1. Not to gender stereotype because Patty is anything but a girly-girl, but even hardcore tomboy juvenile delinquent punk rocker wannabes have some small measure of vanity, right? I’m just surprised that Patty didn’t do what 100% of girls would have done when spending her Friday night at the biggest teen hangout in the county, which is to put some makeup over the bruise…

    2. Another day, another opportunity for Patty to throw out one of her glib retorts in the hope that someone will FINALLY start appreciating her ‘wit’, and another day where it fails miserably…

    3. What does “fake” mean exactly? Because Tessi ain’t exactly the first teenage American girl to Keep up with the Kardashians… Is she not practicing hard? Is she trying to steal all the glory from her teammates (and I’d have a hard time blaming her even if she did so since she’s clearly the best scorer on the team) or does “Fake” really mean “Deep down I hate Tessi because she’s so pretty and everyone wants to talk to her and be her friend!!”

    4. It’s funny because we’re halfway through the season and the Mudlarks starting Point Guard clearly does not trust her teammate and star Small Forward, and as always Gilbertina won’t notice anything or pretend to take action until Milford has a meltdown of infighting in the second-to-last week of the season.

    5. So whatever happened to those two quarterbacks from the football storyline, Frick and Frack? Oh God PLEASE tell me they get to lock Patty up in some living room and make her sit and listen while they berate her in the most condescending manner possible for two hours…

    Comment by hitorque — January 26, 2021 @ 5:00 pm

  3. Ever notice how Arlene Cuntiingham NEVER agrees to what anyone says? Even something so simple as some people thinks she’s fake. I have.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 26, 2021 @ 6:38 pm

  4. I know some commenters actually like her, but I got tired of her act back in July and good point, JT. She would disagree if someone told her water is wet

    Comment by franku2016 — January 26, 2021 @ 8:48 pm

  5. Actually, I honestly thought Patty was setting up one of those “…And the only thing real about Tessi is her fakeness!!” -retorts but then I reminded myself she isn’t that clever in the first place…

    And because I forgot the first time: Did homegirl really pull the “Some people say….” card? Rubin needs to hang out around some teenage girls and find out how their conversations really sound…

    Comment by Hitorque — January 27, 2021 @ 12:47 am

  6. Rubin hanging around teenage girls would go about as well as it did for Roy Moore.

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — January 27, 2021 @ 7:27 am

  7. […] This somehow makes her “shallow” in the eyes of Corina (and maybe some others, if “some people” means “more people than the one person I’m talking to”), yet somehow the fact […]

    Pingback by Jumping Into the Shallow End | This Week in Milford — January 27, 2021 @ 2:54 pm


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