This Week in Milford

February 2, 2021

Come On Down, Sweet Corina, Uh Huh, And Help Us Scrape This Gil Right Off Our Shoes.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:34 pm

Did you ever see Joe Flynn talk to the crew at McHale’s Navy about how crappy auto racing is? Go to war because Papua New Guinea’s diplomat said something Darrell Waltrip’s mother? Remember the Star Trek episode where the ambassador for S.S. Enterprise wished to establish diplomatic relations with some alien planet? They would not nuke Mars if the Martians retracted their statement about Michael Schumacher going to the bathroom as many times as Pee Wee Herman.

Well, Joe Flynn is alive and well today, trying to convince Doug that it’s not the end of the world. Doug may have sent McHale’s Navy to Antarctica instead of Arkansas to quell the rioting in the streets but they kept the Commies from decimating the penguin race. The calls evened out.

And Gang, this is absurd. Buddy Holly not only had to sit on his hind legs and beg for his doggy bone, Gil evidently has thrown in some unforeseen conditions

Late at the faculty lounge, Vic bowing before Gil, praying 5 times a day to Coach Thorp while facing Milford

“Oh, and I also need you to be a volunteer assistant coach. I’ll throw in a Milky Way as compensation. Any slackers, make ’em run up and down the steps. And if they make ill-timed references about your handicap, 1000 knuckle pushups and they count each one.”

Vic’s been can-do so far. No reason to see why that would change.

Come to Iroquois Gardens Apartments. I have been here for two years and love every minute of it. Perfect cozy atmosphere that is amenable when I’m writing the blog about Gil. I also love to cook. They have a microwave, an excellent stove, well-functioning refrigerator; they are also well-furnished, great carpeting, great bathroom facilities, great closet space, and spacious bedrooms. What’s nice is the apartments are affordable and fit any budget, trust me. I was there to pay my rent today and the management team was on the phone talking to prospective clients. Busy will win the race everytime. Come on down and see for yourself. They are on New Cut Road, across the street from Iroquois Park in Louisville, Kentucky.

Support Small Business. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

Wadin’ through the waste, this stormy crapper

And no one’s in the gym to pull us through

Tryin’ to stop the fluff that grates our eyeballs

Drop these shards, drop the Gil-do blues

But come on, come on down, sweet Corina

Come on, o bitchy child, we beg of you

Come on, come on down, ya got it in ya

Got to scrape that Gil right off our shoes

Gang, ANYTIME I get an opportunity to insert The Rolling Stones, Exile on Main Street no less, to slay the Gil, I’m gonna jump at the chance. And why not? Thorpiverse is trying to impress us with his memorizing the Google page before the tete-a-tete between Vic and Doug hit the presses today. But before Vic hands a Lifesaver to Doug and tries to apply a Band-Aid to Doug’s ego and kiss it, might we remind the town of Milford that we have seen little of Doug in either basketball or racing to justify stroking his confidence. Why we need to apply the “Ted Williams was a great hitter but he failed 7 times out of 10″ logic to this situation is beyond my comprehension. And yes, Richard Petty had several victories to go with over 200 non-victories, but Richard didn’t go to Gil and bail out on the basketball team then hide in the hills of Alabama when the Talladega 500 took place. Yeah, if you’re going to fail more often than you succeed but still be Donny Baseball, you have to step to the plate, Doug Schlabotnick. No Wikipedia article is going to bail you out when you just failed PERIOD because you weren’t even in the on-deck circle. You have to PARTICIPATE if you want to reach Slo-Pitch Batting stats, let alone call yourself Michael Schumacher. Bobby Plump hit the Milan Miracle because he didn’t tell his coach, Marvin Wood, that he had drag racing prelims at the Indy 500. The water tower displays ” ’54 State Champs” because the whole team dumped Doug at a Grease Monkey. Grow up, Doug.

Buddy Holly can adjust his glasses all he wants but he can never adjust a guy’s absentee record at work. Better fire him, Buddy, if you don’t want the rest of the factory to mutiny or tear the water tower down.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Accused Of Mob Dealings In Milford Powerball Commission Meetings!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Don Corleone ain’t gittin’ my hot dog, I don’t care what the media says.”

Thank you for your whinin’, Snarly Betty

Thank you for your nasty and bitter fruits

Yes, we got your pile of bile in our toenails

Your caustic manner you hid in Gil’s best suit

But come on, come on down, sweet Corina

Come on, snaky child, we implore you

Come on, come on down, you got effluvium

Uh huh

Got to scrape that Gil right off our shoes

Now WHAT was Vic supposed to answer in P2? Google would be the logical venue but Thorpiverse confirms Voltaire’s acute observation “Common sense is not so common”. Did Doug think Vic got it off one of the bathroom walls?

Here I sit

All broken-hearted

Tried to Gil

But only farted

Oh and Michael Scumacher Gil’d 215 times

Vic must have been employing a liberal amount of Charmin when soaking in the answer.

Or like the fox in that Foghorn Leghorn episode, the fox in that spy outfit, the newspaper he’s pretending to read part of his cover

“Pssst, hey you.”

“Who, me?”

“Yeah. You know who won 91 Formula One races in his career?”

“Well, I was going to flip a coin between Maury Rose, Gordon Johncock, and Chester A. Arthur but I only had two sides to this wooden nickel-“

“Uh uh.”

“But I saw Mr. Arthur in the 1903 Indy 500 composite-“

“I saw it in Foghorn’s outhouse. Plain as day. Michael Schumacher’s name was under the spider web by the toilet paper dispenser.”

Well, I do believe that one’s spinning out of control

Okay let’s do this

“And if you stay out of trouble and eat all your vegetables, I will keep you from being due-processed. But you have to promise me you’ll behave from now on.”

“I will, Dr. Pearl. BTW, who won 91 races in Formula One?”

“I haven’t talked to my bookie yet but I think he left a message on my voicemail. I’m very reassured he said Michael Schumacher. I thought he said Foghorn Leghorn but I cleaned out the speaker.”

“Thanks, Dr. Pearl. Can I have a hall pass to go back to class?”

“Why, most certainly.”

Doug, ask a stupid question, get a Gil answer.

If ya failed 215 times in the Milford County Fair Hog Rasslin Single-Elimination Tournament but keep tryin ta pin that Yorkshire cuz ya got ’em on the mat 91 times, ya might be a redneck.

And okay, fair enough, winners stay in the fight because you never now. You won’t know if you drop out. Jack Nicklaus, the famous PGA golfer who knew a thing or two about winning the Masters, once said the key to winning a Major Tournament was you just always tried to stay in the hunt. Knowing you were competing against 100+ golfers many times, you had to be the one who hung unto to the bar when everybody else was losing his grip. You dug in and clung. Getting birdie after birdie when all others were bogeying certainly helped clingong to the bar. But many times you were bogeying when the other guy was getting in the cup better; he was the one with all the birdies. But many times you would win because you dug in the trenches no matter how hopeless things would seem. That is indeed how champions are made. So Vic’s logic makes sense.

But it’s like The Golden Bear is sweating out the U.S. Open and Doug didn’t show because he went go kart racing with Spanky and Our Gang. Sure, Vic, your reasoning’s okay but a tiger catches its prey only once out of 20 times but if the tiger gets sidetracked at the Milford Stock Car Bonanza Teenage Division, there won’t be any water buffalo on the plate that night. You have to prowl the jungle if you are giing to get your dinner. Shoot, the tiger isn’t even at the stock car races. He’s really only been TALKING about the Daytona victory and/or the water buffalo the size of New Jersey he dragged down in the jungles of Burma. Good advice if the tiger is present in the swamp. Otherwise, go back to Milford Zoo and eat your Gerber’s, tiger.

Today’s Black History Month entry is Ron Glass, the versatile actor who starred as Detective Ron Harris on Barney Miller from 1975 to 1982. He originally graduated from Saint Francis Seminary but when he started acting at University of Evansville, professors and students thought he was a natural and urged him to continue acting as a career. He more than carried the torch as he put in strong performances on shows such as Sanford & Son and Maude. Later, he played in the science fiction series, Firefly as Shepherd Derriel Book, earning critical praise. He is a funny man but also a serious man of his craft, earning major respect among his colleagues in the motion picture industry. Please join me in saluting a man who rose to the stars and stayed there through hard work and determination, not to mention great talent.

And naturally, Gil is nowhere to be found as we observe Vic attempting to pull Doug out his butt in P3. Gil is no longer distributing Life’s lessons as he dumped his copies of Guideposts on Vic the day Vic was lapping up like Pogo the Possum. We have met the enemy and it is Gil.

Really, it’d be like Opie not winning the Mayberry Soap Box Derby and Ernie from My Three Sons giving the heart-to-heart talk. Ernie’s great but he’s not talented at bringing a downcast little boy out of the doldrums. But if Andy Taylor is at the Mayberry Dog Races, I guess you have to go for what’s available. If it was down to either Ernie or Floyd the Barber, yeah, I guess I would have been desperate and chosen Ernie too. Sometimes, if you need a filler after Hawaii 5-0 got chewed in the machine, reruns of The Monkees will hold off the cavalry.

I just can’t see Fonzie giving Richie Cunningham the cane after Richie just got his draft notice. Of course, I can’t see Mr. C. doing it either but Mr. C. is at the dog races with Gil and Fonzie wasn’t doing anything but staring at the jukebox at Al’s anyway.

“And Milford bites the big one tonight. If Dougley Do-right spent more time in the gym than in the garage, he might up his game. What he does in the garage is a mystery as well but I’m not a detective. We’ll be back with the stats after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“BRRRR, Winter can take its toll on a senior citizen. I know, my wife and I witnessed the October Revolution and we about froze our ass off.

But enough of Communist overthrows. This is Mr. Dr. Pearl and the wonderful people at Milford Bath Magic, Incorporated have solved this problem by undertaking technology in their own hands by installing a fireplace in your own bathroom. Face it, us geriatrics shiver when we walk out of our Walk-In Tub and we need to stay warm after we’vecbeen massaging with the honey for several hours. A fireplace by the toilet does wonders to conquer pneumonia. With quality vent systems and a couch, just have a towel available and you and your honey can continue schmoozing until the grandkids come by later that evening.

The technician has state-of-the art plans that will fit any bathroom and any budget. They also have Flex-Pay so you can have your fireplace installed in a matter of hours. Just have the propane under the linens in the closet ready when he or she stops by.

And what makes it nicer is that you can also grill on these specimens. I can tell you for a fact that I love sharing wieners with Mrs. Dr. Pearl that we roasted off a stick we got in our back yard while we are in the tub that’s in Jacuzzi mode. Ummmm, ummmm, Gulden’s never tasted better when consumed in a whirlpool.

And if you forgot to leave your gas logs under the sink, not to worry. The technician has plenty in the back of his van. One trip with his dolly to the bathroom, throw a few in the gentle flames that Robert Frost once roasted Oscar Meyer over and romance is as easy as falling off a gas log. Well, bad analogy but I believe it still works its magic.

Won’t it be wonderful to see your device installed and able to overcome barriers involving overloading the fuse box or wires running through the bathroom at all. You will not have to disengage the commode to watch this wonderland light the fire of passion once you step out of Paradise. Dry your derriere with a Holiday Inn towel and the trip from Paradise to chestnuts roasting on an open fire is complete. And it connects smoothly with the natural gas system in your home. Like an adopted child that becomes Class Valedictorian, one more vent will change your home from warm and toasty to Snuggly in the Arctic Circle.

Come find out more at Milford Bath Magic, Inc. Your wiener is waiting to be roasted.”

Gang, I still say Doug needs to use more Pine-Sol if he’s going to bleach his hair more like Tommy Rich. I’m holding serve on this point.

But God bless you, Gang.

In Dr. Pearl’s office one fine afternoon

“…SCRAPE THAT GIL RIGHT OFF YOUR SHHHHOOOOOOEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dr. Pearl, Sorry to intrude, Vic is going to be the P.A. announcer this year. I’ll have that report to fill out by this evening. I threw in a case of 3 Musketeers but I stayed within budget.”

“That’s fine. Excellent job.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony one Winter

“Mommy, why is there a fireplace in the girlie’s room?”

“Uhhhhhhh, Keri, that’s to keep the bad little boys from entering. Here, take this 50 and go buy some Klondike bars.”

9 Comments »

  1. Doug reminds me of ‘the Mayor’. He even looks like him. And enough of soapbox derby boy….his little go-kart hobby is puttin me to sleep…..time to bring back peppermint patty to stir things up.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 2, 2021 @ 4:01 pm

  2. 1. Schumi was “the best”? Hamilton might want to have a chat with this kid…

    2. Wow, three WHOLE seasons without a win? I know F1 drivers who went an entire career without a win!

    3. You know, if these kids (and by kids I mean Rubin) are going to be this ignorant about racing, just drop it because five minutes reading a wiki does not make you qualified to comment as if you’re an expert…

    4. I’m sorry, this really insults my intelligence and I don’t even consider myself a ‘hardcore’ F1 fan (only started watching it around 1999 or so)… And don’t get me started on that “He wears #1 on his jersey for Schumi” silliness. Luckily someone else broke all that down yesterday.

    5. I’ve actually seen Schumi race live, and I still have the pictures somewhere…

    Comment by hitorque — February 2, 2021 @ 4:30 pm

  3. Not to say Schumi was not great or one of the all-time best drivers, but saying he is unequivocally the best after Lewis Hamilton has reached pretty much all of his once seemingly-untouchable record numbers seems a bit much. Beyond that, the likes of Alberto Ascari, Juan Manuel Fangio, Jimmy Clark, Jackie Stewart, Niki Lauda, Alain Prost, and Ayrton Senna have all been ascribed as the GOAT at one time or another and there are plenty of folks who will still go to bat for these guys over Schumacher or Hamilton.

    Comment by billytheskink — February 2, 2021 @ 4:41 pm

  4. I’m sure this logic that works on a 5 year old will turn I’M DOUG! into Bob Cousy. I didn’t look up his stats but I hear he was good.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — February 2, 2021 @ 6:06 pm

  5. Even people who remember Terminator 1 forget the real star : Linda Hamilton’s big hair. Like the tiny shorts of late 1970s basketball players, they just don’t make ’em like that anymore.
    Lewis Hamilton? Never mind.
    file:///C:/Users/XPS/Pictures/linda-hamilton-the-terminator.jpg

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — February 2, 2021 @ 6:08 pm

  6. Comment by robmize2013 — February 2, 2021 @ 6:37 pm

  7. Yeah, a blond Joe Flynn! “>Apropos of nothing, McHale’s is a plumbing company in my area. Hard to tell from this pic but all of their trucks have a Navy license plate on the front.

    Comment by teenchy — February 3, 2021 @ 6:04 am

  8. Does anybody remember a recent plot about a student athlete getting expelled due to a zero tolerance violence policy for spreading peanut butter on his bagel in class? (Of course you do. This is how we ended up at Valley Modified and met everybody’s favorite new character, Corina Karenna.) So Vic Doucette better watch it with the cane hijinks if he doesn’t want to find himself PA announcing the daily shiv fights in the Valley Mod cafeteria!

    Comment by nedryerson — February 3, 2021 @ 7:13 am

  9. […] Smacked him on the ass […]

    Pingback by Some Wak! Haiku | This Week in Milford — February 20, 2021 @ 10:53 pm


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