This Week in Milford

February 16, 2021

“Would You Like Me To Pour More Tea With Your Scones, Mr. Friday?”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:10 pm

This is the city, Milford USA. It’s a typical nowhere town that has more cows entering the stockyards than contestants at the Milford Elementary Spelling Bee but I call it home. I was born and raised here. And I’ve seen high school basketball games when I wasn’t supervising security at Milford Still Rocks Jamborees and I’ve seen Milford’s basketball players go on to start families when they weren’t doing 180 degree reverse windmill in-yo-face slam dunks that brought the opponent’s jock strap down to his Achilles heel. But when basketball players think they can rock our world and wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am-I’m-gonna-go-groovin’-so-you-better-get-movin’-Chocolate-Thunder-Express-glass-breaker-I-am-jam the radar gun, that’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

It was clear and sunny in Milford. Snow was still falling. My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Illegal and Willful Unlawful Mobilazation of Vehicular and Generalized Automotive Operations and Proceedings Department of the Milford Police Unit. The boss is Captain Milton. We were strongly advised to be on the lookout for teenagers who were using the streets of Milford for a drag strip, especially when they had responsibilities to other obligations. To add to this byzantine state of affairs, one teenager had a dad within the ranks believed to have a couple of officers on the take to relieve Junior of his responsibilty on the road. Captain Milton was receiving some heat from the Mayor to flag down irresponsible A.J. Foyt wannabes and would continue to be wannabes with Daddy’s money. This wasn’t easy.

“Gentlemen, we got a spark plug on our hands and I don’t mean Delco-Remy. And I don’t mind telling you I’m getting tired of my ass getting rung out by His Honor when I’m not getting a plateful from the police chief. I don’t care if you have to use darts on his tires but nail this sucker so that we can eat our Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in peace.”

“We’ll do our best, Sir. Any leads?”

“One. An anonymous tipster called saying he saw a Sherman tank the size of a Kenworth flying past his house when he was shoveling the snow. Had no chains on his tires. Said he was afraid the punk was going to run over the children making snow angels at Milford Green Space Area. Called on his cell phone ASAP.”

“Could he identify the punk? It would help me and Joe when we’re trying to flag down this Al Unser Junior.”

“We don’t think it IS Al Unser Junior because he was seen at a Wal-Mart in Albuquerque. And it was hard to make a proper identification when the tank was moving forward down the street. You’ll just have to park on the street and wait.”

“We hope we don’t have to wait until the Milford Deputy Coroner comes to identify the snow angel.”

Somber music imbues the office as Friday and Gannon hit the streets.

And I can relate to Vic in P1 as it took a LOT OF NERVE to ask a girl on a date. I think we can all relate. But really, I think Tessi was just trying to get him to the Mudlark Girls Basketball games to plug the team, given Vic’s success with the Mudlark Boys Basketball teams. Granted, Tessi has been touchy-feely with Vic but touchy-feely on the arms and nothing further. Some semi-heavy petting but I’d temper this one, Vic. Sure, go ahead and ask her out but I’d keep an open mind. There’s still some homely dog who likes your spiel and your James Brown caterwauling in case Tessi gives you the stiff shoulder.

I remember The Gong Show where these teenage girls get up on stage to music, say “Boogie Fever”, and they’re wearing Arrow shirts and generic shorts and all they’re doing is pushing popsicles in and out of their mouths. Of course, NBC is frantically trying to get that off the air and it finally does but the damage was done. The Atlantic Coast part of the country had seen it before the broadcast was mercifully truncated.

What was funny was they didn’t get gonged when it was painfully clear there was no talent WHATSOEVER involved. And when Jaye P. Morgan, one of the judges, was asked to rate them, she gave them a “10”, pointing out “That’s funny, that’s how I moved up the ladder.”

And I suppose if Vic really wanted to be autocratic, he could make Tessi do the same thing with his mike. At least it might give him hope that he’ll get a date in the future.

“You think I should, Coach?”

“Why, sure, Tessi. A piece of celery is easy on the mouth. And my husband used to give me breadsticks before we got married.”

Because these Elderly Dating ads intrigue me no end

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Reneges On Committment At The Very Last Second!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I saw her face at one on those photo booths at K-Mart. She had more wrinkles than Godzilla.”

Again, I salute all the boys out there who worked up the nerve to call up a girl to the prom or to a movie or to a basketball game or to a…, well, I think you catch the drift. And if this was a stumbling attempt to summon the gall to spend an evening with a member of the opposite sex, I can verily relate.

But Thorpiverse is once again trying to pull a fast one on us. The day before, he was simply texting Tessi. Nothing more. Oh yeah right, T-Verse, and when she finally answers, Vic is going to open the discussion with John Kenneth Galbraith. You know how girlie girls are when they talk about the Free Market Economy. As Sting once sung, your economic theories make no sense, Tessi. Yeah, you need to work this plot OUT of the black seam, T-Verse. NOTHING’S making any sense, let alone economic theories.

Boy, I can’t wait to see what they decide on the Single Bullet Theory. I think JFK got one in the butt, Tessi. The warehouse in Dallas was surely taller than the Mudlark gym.

“Here are those Basketball Braces and Supports reports you requested, Dr. Pearl, uh, er, why are you sticking a Magic Marker in your mouth like that?”

4:53PM. Gannon and I were on stakeout by the Milford Marriott. We had been tipped that this maniac in a tank was known to frequent this street. We waited accordingly.

“I don’t get it, Joe.”

” What’s up?”

“Why does he drag race in a conveyance the army uses at war games at the Milford Army Reserve Proving Grounds?”

“Not sure.”

“These kids nowadays. Give ’em car keys and they think they can do wheelies and doughnuts at Tobruk. I’m tellin’ ya, when I drove my dad’s Model T, I got the belt every time I forgot to change the oil.”

“I’m about to give the bull whip to that oversized bag of bolts flying down the chute. Let’s tail him!!!!”

We spotted a suspect that matched the description given by our own Finest and from people in the neighborhood. How that tank that was Archie’s jalopy in disguise got around, let alone able to smoke Fabi or Fittipaldi at the Indy 500, was a question only answered with oversteamed meat loaf and stewed tomatoes at Milford Diner. If that was Mario Andretti’s racer, no wonder why he only won one Indy 500 race.

If ya try ta summon th’ cour’ge ta ask ol’ Thelma Lou ta th’ Friday Night Dance but the can on yore end of th’ telephone ain’t workin cuz it’s a bit rusted out and therefore cain’t hear ya on her can, ya might be a redneck.

Okay. So Vic is not going to talk about Supply and Demand, Popsicles, or the Cubs. He is actually going to hit Tessi up for a date. But the answer wasn’t surprising and many of us guys felt the sting of being turned down, even if we were not terribly surprised.

But Tessi is apparently leaving the door ajar on this one so I feel it apropos to explore a few reasons why she turned him down BUT MAYBE may say yes in the future. So take ‘er away

“I’d love to go the prom with you. Would you be interested?”

“Are you serious? I was flirting with you because I wanted you to promote girls basketball because you could whip the crowd into a frenzy like Bob Eubanks used to on The Newleywed Game. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a formal gown with a boy with the voice of Dick Clark but a body of a Clark Candy Bar. Do you think I’m stupid or what?”

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, Milford wasn’t built in a day

“I’d love to go to the prom with you. Then go to a movie afterwards. I hear they’re playing ‘Frogs’ at the Milford Bijou.”

“I don’t think I can this weekend because they haven’t awaken my mom from her coma in the ICU. But text me in a couple of weeks. BTW, is that the movie where the lizards knock over all the chemical jars and basketballs and Gil gets asphyxiated in Gym B?”

This one has potential. She didn’t say “Yes” but she didn’t say “No”. Keep the crowbar wedged in, Vic.

“I’d love to go to the prom with you. Then afterwards, there’s a game between Indiana and Purdue at Assembly Hall. I have seats right behind Coach Knight. Wanna go?”

“They’re going to move our house over 600 feet this weekend because they’re building a freeway. I’ll have to sleep with Otis the Drunk in the Mayberry jail until Monday. And I don’t date guys who throw chairs at other players.”

Baby, I like the potential. Convince her that you didn’t throw a sofa at a Boilermaker and that it’s been well over 30 years since the incident and a prom outfit is in the bag.

“I’d like to go to the prom with you. Then there’s a Slim Whitman concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater afterwards. Wanna go?”

“Sure!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love the way Slim sings ‘Tumbling Dice’!!!!!!!!!!! It gets me so horny!!!!!!!!!! And wasn’t he #1 over in England?”

“Yes, he was.”

“I’ll be ordering the gown right now.”

Persistence and some yodeling of “Red River Valley” work every time. I should have used that for MY pickup line.

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl’s Grandmother Rental Vehicle Towed Out Of Pond; Grandmother And Friend Both In Critical Condition!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The dating service warned them about the retreat center possibly a bit inundated.”

And if you look closely, it looks as if Vic is indeed asking Tessi to a movie. But hey, T-verse is trying to convince us that the relationship is strictly Platonic. Oh sure, and when “Parting is such sweet sorrow” was uttered, Romeo and Juliet were going to go do their homework. The Montagues and Capulets were on top of their kids when it came to school. No Montague was going to flunk and still feud with the Capulets. Or vice versa.

And keep stroking Romeo, Juliet. Love taps, friendly reminders, stroking, ways to get Gil to referee Mimi’s games when the Homer referee didn’t honor his contract, it’s all the same terminology.

On The Gong Show

GONNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuck Barris plaintively steps on stage

“Awwwwwwwwwww, Jaye P. Morgan. Why did you gong the Lady Mudlarks?”

“Because they’ll never have a career in Show Biz sliding a rutabaga stalk back and forth.”

5:03PM-We pulled over whoever was driving this mega-contraption in the snow at 93MPH. We might have been a mile or two off on the radar gun and I’d been bitching to Gannon to get to Milford Electronics to get it fixed but safe to say this tank that went wayward of General Patton’s outfit was not school zone speed. We had a good idea of the speed if we were forced to write a ticket.

“Awwwwwwwrrighht, you losers, get out of the car and keep your hands where we can see them!!!!!!!!!!!”

“What’s the charge, officer?”

“We’ll ask the questions around here, Bozo. You may flip off your coach with a couple of posers that have no answers but we’re wise to your bag of tricks!!!!!!!!!! You won’t go to Talledega that easily this weekend!!!!!!!!”

“Son, we pulled you over for the same reason we’d pull anyone over. You just can’t joyride your tank all over creation. We need to see your drivers license and registration.”

“Sure thing. Here’s my license. I had a bad hair day the time they took it. And here’s my registra-“

“Cut the comedy act, gentlemen. My partner wanted information, not a couple of sordid Robin Williams’s. I’m just about to nail you on Milford Police Statutes Article 63 Section 48 Clause 312 “Willful and Unauthorized Vehicular Transit with Intent to Convey Illegal Contraband and Freightage” but I couldn’t open the back door of your conveyance if I had a cannon!!!!!!! But we’ll be back with search warrants and a decent tire jack the next time!!!!!!!!!!”

“Officer Friday, we’re just carrying basketballs and our homework in the back seat.”

“Yeah, and the guy who robbed the Milford Federal Bank told me the same thing!!!!!!!! Until the German shepards sniffed out the 100 dollar bills under the Spalding basketballs. And the marijuana bags under the algebra textbook. Then you had one less player at Thorp’s practice!!!!!!!!!!”

“Son, my partner is just doing his job. If you’re clean, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, and stay that way. Or you won’t be skipping Coach Thorp’s practice to go to Pocono 400 this time.”

Somber music as Muench and Guthrie get back in the Sherman tank.

Today’s Black History Month entry is a shrewd, sharp lady by the name of Jackie Ormes, nee Zelda Mavin Jackson. She was a noted cartoonist who had a hand in a number of comic strips. For years, she penned “Torchy Brown in Dixie to Harlem”, centering around a carefree girl who eventually winds up in Harlem and sings and dances her way into people’s hearts. It was a smash success and made inroads among all comic strips, white or black.

Later, she ran “Patty-Jo ‘n’ Ginger” in the Pittsburgh Courier, a black-owned newspaper, which was also highly successful. For eleven years, this single panel featured a precocious little girl talking with an older lady, the lady normally a mannequin, about life’s problems. The formula was a resounding success. Finally, Ormes ran “Torchy in Heartbeats”, the little girl now more sophisticated and in tune with the world. She confronts the controversial issues, such as racism and environmental pollution with an aplomb and grace but still hard-hitting style that influenced change for the better. Cartooning had a voice, led by Ormes. Later, she successfully marketed Patty-Jo dolls as they again overcame stereotypes such as Mammy dolls that were pervading the stores. She also contributed mightily to the revitalization of South Chicago, mainly through her artwork. Please join me in saluting a lady who made her corner of the world a better place to live and made the world in general a better place.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! I can use reductio ad absurdum to prove my point. It was worth the wait after all those years in college.

Joe Friday is a police officer. Doug Guthrie needs to go to practice. Doug needs to get his head out of his ass and think about basketball, not cars. After all, he is the starting point guard, or so we think. We’ll go ahead and say yes because logic has no place for issues hanging from the Sherman tank’s bumper.

And Doug is getting friendly with Joe Friday after he’s been pulled over twice for speeding. Joe Friday wants to know how fast GTO’s fly. Well, Joe Friday, faster than I was going, given the weather conditions. Let’s just say I don’t want to wind up in the hoosegow, which, if I am interpreting Bill Gannon correctly, means jail. I don’t THINK he means the drive-in area at The Bucket.

And Doug is inviting Joe Friday and Bill Gannon to Milford Lounge to talk more basketball and auto racing and improved sartorial methods of police officers. And Joe Friday and Bill Gannon take the bait.

But this contradicts the Police By-Laws that police officers never get chummy with Pretty Boy Floyd. Therefore, the original premise that “Joe Friday is going to use a combat boot on Doug’s behind and get his butt to practice after he’s sent Doug to the Chair for running over Joe Friday’s mom in the crosswalk” is indeed valid.

“We’ll be back to see if Joe Friday resists Doug’s bribe of Pepperidge Farms Sugar Maple Cookies and hauls his butt to the Milford Chain Gang after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m horny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy byyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time to-Darling, why are there phone books stacked to the ceiling?”

“Oh, hi, Mrs. Shaw. Well, you see, it’s like this, my grandma is lonely at Milford Senior Living Center and she needs a night on the town. And thanks to Milford Geriatric Matchmaking Services Inc., it’s a done deal. They’ll find her a 93-year-old dirty old man who still likes to boogie to ‘Get It On’ or I’m a baboon’s behind without the Pampers.”

“Honey, I thought both your grandmothers were dead.”

“Blip Blop Boogie Oogie Upchuck The Rapper’s Delight, well, I rummaged through my family tree and found that I still had one living that was failed to be duly noted. There must have been a clerical error because the notary went to get doughnuts. Besides, looking up a fancy restaurant for her is a lot of fun. I hope there’s something chic that’ll offer denture-friendly lobster off the menu.”

“Honey, why don’t you put those phone books back in the closet and come to bed and see how denture-friendly I can be?”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!! If I can’t find a Delmonico’s, there’s always an IHOP. I’m sure she and any 96-year-old who has age spots all the way up to his armpits will enjoy a lunch date, stacked with blueberry pancakes topped with Aunt Jemima and goat-induced butter. If that don’t incite a romance when all the butter melts on the plate, I want my money back.”

“And I want something back too. And don’t they have to get cleared with medical staff before she leaves the premises?”

“Pancake Pancake Spit Spit Spit We Think Your Team Smells Like Blubba Bubba Bubble Yum, now, Woman, you are totally erroneous. She won’t get denied just because she wants her Cherry Bomb Blizzard at Dairy Queen and a male companion born after Alf Landon too. That’s why I’m buying her a jogging outfit. After she and her 89-year-old get done licking the French fries out of the DQ bag, they can run to new heights on the jogging track at Milford Community Center. I understand his 1-lap splits set a record for his age group last week. They’ll cross the finish line in a lap of luxury.”

“You can sit on my lap and it would be a luxury.”

“Well, gotta call Mudlark Lake Resorts. I understand they have a cabin exclusively for those well up in years. Fireplaces that run on balsa wood, beds made from concrete slabs in case the sex gets too strong and they get a leg broken when the mattress collapses, kitchen utensils that are made of Play-Doh for those with arthritis-“

“But I bet that 89-year-old has his in better working order than yours.”

“She had me there, even though I was able to get that reservation at Mudlark Lake Resorts. I have never seen a grown woman have as much fun with a 102-year-old man like she did. They must have reinforced the bed. And speaking of reinforcements, that’s what Milford Men’s Clinic did to my sex life. With treatment plans that work, you don’t have to be 100 years old to have the time of your life. Come on down and slow down Father Time and feel like a man in the bargain. Only at The Clinic.

Gang, I still say Joe Friday can outrace Doug’s GTO. Really, I saw Joe Friday go 100 the other day when he was flagging down Gil on a DUI. My money’s still on Joe Friday, contrary to what you think.

But God bless you, Gang.

8 Comments »

  1. What the fuckkkk….cop re-pulls kid over to discuss a different car with him? Yeah….right…like the cop and the kid have time to waste on this bullshit. The part about Vic gettin’ quickly brushed off by basketball Barbie is believable though, but you just know that PP is gonna’ have her say in this, even though she pulled the same shit a couple of months ago, and of course, in Milford-land, no one will point that out to her either.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 16, 2021 @ 2:55 pm

  2. Why the fuck would anyone ask about “top end” in a 60s muscle car??

    You either ask what he has under the hood, what he pulled on his last dyno run, or what his best time is in the quarter mile…

    Comment by hitorque — February 16, 2021 @ 4:23 pm

  3. Or when he last ran shine from Copperhead Road

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — February 16, 2021 @ 6:07 pm

  4. Most of my attempts involve stumbling.

    Comment by Vic Doucette — February 16, 2021 @ 9:30 pm

  5. Or how fast he made the Kessel Run.

    Comment by MopMan — February 17, 2021 @ 9:25 am

  6. I think Tessi’s next excuse will be that she has to wash her hair. And with the amount of flowing locks she has, that excuse will be good for about 3 weekends.

    Comment by MopMan — February 17, 2021 @ 9:29 am

  7. @Mop….and Tessi created this monster too by wiggling her ass in his direction and flirting with this poor kid just so he could start doin’ PA at girls games, when she actually don’t GAF about him otherwise. That simple one-line text could go both ways too next time there’s a girls home game and she expects him to be there doin’ his Contessa schtick…. “..can’t tonight, but thanks..”

    Comment by franku2016 — February 17, 2021 @ 10:48 am

  8. Note that Doug’s Jeep has the same MST3K tag as his Goat. Cute, Chief, but not very realistic unless Doug’s only registered one of them and just swaps the tags back and forth, in which case what he’s done behind the wheel is the least of his troubles.

    Today’s post is imminent.

    Comment by teenchy — February 17, 2021 @ 10:52 am


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