This Week in Milford

March 30, 2021

“…When The Denver Mudlarks Tangle With The Miami Dolphins On Monday Night Football…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:06 pm

Boy, do we ever need Luhm to clean up the mess on this one. The last story ended with Vic pulling a juvenile American Graffiti stunt that didn’t even impress The Pharoahs, much less Tessi Milton. Curt Henderson will still be driving that Raggedy Ann van, oh, until Prom Night, of course. Then he’ll be shoving his entourage in the back and have the time of his life.

And we still never brought closure to Doug’s basketball prowess which was stultified by his inner Johnny Rourke that went Reckless for the wrong reasons. If he was trying to impress Stacy Prescott, no wonder why Vic was doing all the driving. He couldn’t find a clue if it had a hot dog bun wrapped around it. And they never upped Vic’s pay to Bratwurst status. Too many gaps.

And unfortunately, we have to leave the bats to pursue those chinks while we digest another tale involving the Milford Library Board. And if it stayed in Milford, okay, we’ll slog through another worthless plot about Rockville but when someone is leaving Rockville and wasting his years in another town, it makes me wonder if we’re going to follow him and leave Gil to non-coach all by himself. Probably not, but we had to think about it.

So this man has a wife who got a better offer at a 7-11 in Denver because she can man the pumps this time when the customer is paying for his or her gas. Promotions do promote opportunity. And she won’t have to sweep behind the Coke fountain. And no more unloading the Mountain Dew canisters off the semi, they’ll have teenagers to do that. And an increase in pay. Hey, throw in that I wouldn’t have to ID Marty when he’s buying Penthouse and I’m accepting the offer.

It never hurts to increase your vocabulary so I read ANYTHING by writers like Wilford Funk, et al. Still, “Flagitious” kinda sorta got me wondering (meaning “Shamefully malicious or wicked”) if the word could be applied appropriately

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Probe By Milford School Board Reveals Coach Thorp Flagitiously Neglected Basketball Season!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“School Board spokesman: ‘Testimony from several players indicate a pattern of lay-up drills or wind sprints being performed while Coach Thorp was betting at Milford Downs on his favorite horse.'”

And who IS this guy in P1? All we know so far is that he is on the Milford Library Board and his wife has a new job. And that he has a Dick Tracy Rogue Gallery face. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Officer Tracy’s latest criminal, Careerchaser. Are we going to be FOLLOWING him to Denver and leave Milford in the wake? Denver’s a beautiful city with a more than gorgeous backdrop, i.e., Rocky Mountains, but if I wanted travel, I’d subscribe to National Geographic.

So Careerchaser and his wife love Denver but find this player working out in the gym who can help any high school team who hates looking at Pikes Peak every morning and wants to live in Smalltown USA and after Careerchaser recommends Gold Mine (NOT in the Rogues Gallery, just for the record) to Gil, GM becomes Milford’s All-Time leading scorer and leads the Mudlarks to two or three State Championships and GM gets inducted in the Milford High Athletic Hall of Fame while Gil goes back to the track and bets on a better horse. Oh, and Careerchaser, after robbing several banks and his wife settled in at Denver 7-11, lives happily ever after with his wife. And Milford Library Board still has an opening.

We can iron out the obstacles later. Let Careerchaser have his moment in the sun.

If ya gotta move ta anuther town cuz yore Honey found a better job teachin’ kindergart’n where she won’t have ta teach ’em how ta read cuz she cain’t read herself, ya might be a redneck.

And the story unfolds a wee bit more, at an incomplete rate no less in P2, as we learn that Careerchaser is actually Gary. Now judging by the fact that he’s not a chimpanzee (what animal has a surname, in other words?) , we assume he has a family name attached to him, but I wouldn’t bet a coupon for Refried Mash Potatoes at The Diner we’re ever going to learn it. So let me explore the possibilities.

“Gary the Bozo the Clown, we are certainly going to miss you. We wish your wife well in her job as a highway worker. It’s a challenge out in Colorado to know when to flash ‘Slow’ and ‘Stop’. But they have good Workmans Comp.”

“Thank you, Marcie. I’m sure you and Peppermint Patty will have things under control. Just stop calling her ‘Sir’ or she may throw a Zane Grey at you.”

Not satisfied? Here, try this on for size

“We all wish Gary Manson well as he skips town to start over. I personally am glad he got paroled. I thought they had Statute of Limitations on maiming a convenience store clerk. He offered valuable input when he was texting from Milford Correctional.”

“Thank you, Honey. I hope you and Duke can reconcile and keep your marriage going. One day at a time.”

Okay, okay, get off my case. Here, how’s this?

“We are sorry to see you go, Gary Flintstone. I knowcit was a tough decision but I’m sure Wilma will love being a correctional guard at the Colorado State Penitentiary. Excellent pay and benefits.”

“And Mr. Slate owns property just outside Boulder. I can go hunting practically all year round. It was a no-brainer.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Milford Condo Suites In Impasse Over Latest Dispute!!!!!!! Cochran To File Papers Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“What that maintenance guy did to my car while on his riding mower was flagitious. I hope Judge Ito throws the book at him.”

And then we are subjected to a “Did he really say that?”. Say it ain’t so, Gary the Bozo the Clown. You are going to miss MILFORD?????? I assume you saw Hadley V. get out of Rockville at her earliest convenience. What possible amenity did you find in this one-horse dump that would compel you to make a contribution to a AAA Travelogue? You can’t even list “Good Schools”. With Paper-Pusher Pearl? With the Gil & Mimi Disappearing Act? Where the only thing exciting to watch is Luhm pushing his broom in the hallway at breakneck speed so that he doesn’t work overtime?

And if he moves to Denver, does that mean he might get homesick? Hoo boy. I don’t know if I’d trade a mountain view for a return to Marty Moon. Doesn’t sound like that’s an even trade. Maybe throw in they send him to a firing squad and have Jack Brickhouse do all the games and I might listen.

“And Tessi dunks on some snooty from Raymond Burr Academy, Hey-Hey!”

Couldn’t resist, Robmize, couldn’t resist.

“…and Hugh Beaumont as Gary The Migrant Who’s Going To Transfer With June Cleaver To Boise To Pan For Gold.”

And who the heck is barging in on MTV Thorp? Don’t tell me Round 2 is about to commence since Doug never got his stuff together in basketball. So are we going to observe Doug not get his act together in baseball? For several more months? Cut into golf season in case we got to run over? And it may not be Doug in P3 but it’s not Bert and Ernie either. I never knew Cookie Monster to tote textbooks, in this case into Gilberto’s office. So I’ll stick with Doug until Thorpiverse convinces me that it’s Rowdy Roddy Piper.

So after Doug executed his unnecessary stunt with Vic to impress no one in particular, he’s just going to waltz into Gilberto’s office and utter “Put me in, Coach, I’m ready to play”? Let me think about it, NASCAR Boy, as Gilberto slurps Swiss Miss out of his 9-1-1 mug. Let me talk it over with Kaz and Dr. Pearl and Heather Burns and Corina the Catcher and the coach from Raymond Burr Academy and I’ll get back with you. Is your phone number the same?

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Knappe but Mike committed a flagitious offense in the bathroom. The Milford Health Board crew is still gathering the last of the toilet paper.”

“Oh, Dr. Pearl, please. Mikey’s really a good boy. He always washes his hands and throws away anything that isn’t edible. Please give him another chance.”

And the tree artwork continues to amaze. Branches appear to be the venal system out of a Tyrannosaurus Rex while I’m I scratching my head as to what that one group of branches is doing hanging upside down. Is there a sugar maple hanging off the roof of Gil’s office? And why T-verse insists that trees grow out of bushes is probably a secret I’d rather not see get divulged. Maybe it’s a sugar maple that was once a bush like the rest lined up in the back row. Just add water and voila, you have a redwood. Piece of cake.

My final, VERY reluctantly speaking, Women’s History Month entry is someone I talk about a lot, Tori Amos. Born Myra Ellen Amos, she picked up the name from a friend who kidded that she resembled a Torrey pine. The name stuck.

She was a natural, playing the piano proficiently at age 5, many times not having to read the sheet music and performing from memory. She enrolled at Johns Hopkins University in the music program there, the youngest enrollee ever to do so at its school. She eventually started paying her dues, playing in clubs accompanied by her dad because she was still a minor.

She released her first album, “Little Earthquakes”, to rave reviews and success got easier. Shortly after that, she released “Under the Pink” which saw “Cornflake Girl” hit the charts as a strong single. Other strong albums included “Boys for Pele”, From The Choirgirl Hotel”, American Doll Posse”, “To Venus and Back” and “Abnormally Attracted to Sin”, among several others. Tori had made her mark in the music business and did so with a vengeance.

She has received five MTV nominations and eight Grammy nominations, and was listed by VH-1 in 1999 as #71 on the 100 All-Time Best Female Rockers. She released her latest album, “Native Invader”, her 15th, in 2017 and an EP, “Christmastide just last year. Please join me in saluting a woman who still keeps making the records and raising the bar in the bargain. God bless you, Tori, you’re one of my favorites.

4 Comments »

  1. So this douche’s main job is sittin’ around and playin’ pocket pool for the library board? Is that really a paid position? Can’t they take a mannequin from the Milford Big & Tall shop to take his place? Obviously, if his wife wants to be a dog-walker in Denver, he has to go along with it, since she’s the one pullin in the coin, so sayonara it is, motherfuckers. The kid standin’ in Gil’s office is the latest sports stud to fall into his lap, and, as usual, Gil won’t have to do shit to develop his ability. His question wouldn’t be asked by a kid who knows how Gil rolls. There’s always time to join a team with a coach who once let a 120 lb girl not only join, but become the starting tight end, for the football team in mid-season. Dumb question, indeed. Silly rabbit….Trix are for kids.

    Comment by franku2016 — March 30, 2021 @ 2:20 pm

  2. 1. Either Gary leads an even duller life than I do, or the “Milford Library Board” is a front for some kind of kinky underground sex club or cabal of computer hackers or a drug ring or that hidden group who secretly manipulates the Dow Jones or a secret society of political fixers or *something*…

    2. I’m anxious to see how Peppermint Patty ruins yet another season of sports at Milford…

    3. So now that Victor Tango Foxtrot is a bona fide announcing superstar, he’s certainly going to do his Vin Scully thing during the baseball season, right??

    4. So no prom update? Because I really wanted to see those holier-than-thou loudmouths dressed in their finest splendor pose in front of a 2004 GMC Van while their parents snap the photos that will become a permanent part of the mantelpiece for the next 30 years… I also wanted to see that van pull up in front of the prom venue so all their classmates could see them tumble out while dressed in their finest splendor… And most of all, I wanted to see how these holier-than-thou loudmouths (who never bothered to even talk to Vic before) would hold a real conversation with Vic while seated at their table and pretending to be interested. But yeah, tell me more about Tessi being the ‘shallow’ one…

    Comment by hitorque — March 30, 2021 @ 3:45 pm

  3. I know library board is a real thang because some candy ass in my town actually has a sign out begging for me to vote for him. Whoever it is isn’t getting my vote. I’m writing in dumb ass Gary.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — March 30, 2021 @ 4:01 pm

  4. We were in Germany in the early 80s and learned they all watched the “Dynasty” TV show from the US, except there it was titled “Der Denver Klan” (apologies if misspelled, I don’t know much more German than “danke”.) But I’m now wondering if Gary is hoping to launch his own internet reality series, “Der Denver Klan 2021”.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — March 30, 2021 @ 4:24 pm


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