This Week in Milford

April 1, 2021

A Festival Of Books And Bull.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:12 pm

I think it’s safe to say that basketball has officially ended and that Vic will not be maneuvering any doughnuts in the The Bucket parking lot, with Doug manning the controls of course, just to be impressing Tessi Milton. I remember attending an Amway meeting once and the speaker gave a definitiin of status: “Buying something you don’t need with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t like.” That pretty much summed up Vic and Tessi. After awhile, it became “You may have dumped me but I can dunk even when I’m on crutches. Who cares if Doug was secretly holding the step-ladder?”

So now we’re in the faculty lounge to discuss prospects for the upcoming season, oh boy. I wonder how excited Coach Kaz is, given that rock he picked in his gravel driveway and stapled on his ear. Sipping Dunkin’ Donuts Caramel Supreme out of his BOB mug is just intensifying that notion. And you might want to buckle up THIS TIME because I get the sick-gut feeling we’re on another wild-goose chase to Never Never Land. A kid barges in and says he’s just as good as third base, goodness, are we in for another Heather Burns? Like “Coach, I know I gave less than 100% for the soccer team but I deserve to start at tight end”? This is what Gil and Kaz are slurping Sanka over? Gee, Gil, not too many high school players tell their coaches when they’re coming for practice. There’s this calked a schedule. If a player doesn’t appear at said time, he or she gets kicked off the team. You might want to try that sometime. Discipline works wonders.

Because I wondered where I was going in this drive-thru at night, thankful I didn’t appear at the River Styx for Charon to ferry me across

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared In Latest Incident Of Child Molestation Charges!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I just got done ordering a Happy Meal and a McRib Combo and next thing you know, I’m in the hallway at Milford Day Care Center.”

George, George

George of the jungle


Oops, my bad, that’s the door to the Teacher’s Lounge. I should have read the backwards Vulcan on the bark, er, window. We’ve all talked about freak hands. I think we are seeing the first freak door. If we ever run out of natural gas and we need firewood, I’ll know where to look first. I just hope to God it doesn’t come with a freak doorknob. And then we get to the freak knuckles on Gil’s hand. Imagine all those arcs you drew in Intro Geometry your sophomore year and you’ll have a successful career drawing Gil’s appendages. And if you’re counting correctly, Gil is NOT flipping the bird at Kaz unless they changed the policy by having Milford residents shift your irritation one finger over. I dunno, the way Gilberto is getting animated with Kaz, I just hope Kaz doesn’t fling the rest of the contents in the BOB mug in retaliation. I wouldn’t be positioning that same hand when I’m in a conference with Dr. Pearl.

“Mr. Knappe, I am suspending you for your obvious insubordination and flagrant disregard for school rules.”

“I was just picking my nose, Dr. Pearl.”

If ya gotta get into a powwow with yore union steward after the foreman tried ta git ya fired cuz ya raised yore hand in the foreman’s direc-shun and shouted “MUDLARKS ARE #1!!!!!!!!”, ya might be a redneck.

Now to be fair, the plot really hasn’t developed so I see this thing perhaps turning a corner after some of the misfires in the past. And it’s good to see Kaz back in the swing of things as he’s been somewhat Pippen to Gil’s Jordan. When the conversation gets a little earnest, I am convinced that Gil might, for once in a lifetine, start taking charge. After 60 years, better late than never. Shoot, look what happened with Mimi with the girls team. She was actually IN the locker room diagrammjng plays. There’s hope.

APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I love Coach Kaz’s twirlie, a la Bill Haley & The Comets. See ya later, Alligator. And maybe I need to see an oculist but did Coach Kaz bite off part of his mug? There were no donuts in the faculty lounge this morning? The conversation is getting a bit heavy (I still stand by THAT one) but when I also see the same arm band that Jerry Lawler wore when he was womping on Eddie Gilbert at Mid-South Coliseum, I get distracted from the seriousness of the issues at hand.

And I get the feeling that Coach Kaz is being a wee bit sarcastic, if the balloon is pointing in the right direction, though I have my serios doubts on that particular concept. The stick shift going in all directions? Sheesh, didn’t just see that all basketball season, consummated in Vic’s Little Joyride? Thank God the balloon wasn’t pointed at that poster of books or I’d be seeing the oculist tonight at the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic.

Why Gil Thorp?

Because he’s the only one who makes a strong stance for literacy, judging by the poster in P2. I mean, do you think it’s an advertisement for prostheitics? Yes, at Milford Replacement Parts Ltd., you’ll be able to read a volume by Shelby Foote on your fake leg or your money back.

Anyway, Heinrich Gustavus Schoffstein Thorp was the key member on the Salk team to engineer the breakthrough to defeat polio. He credited his success to all the Milford Public Library after pointing out he was not able to even scan the Charles Atlas section in the back of the Richie Rich comic books when the Third Reich was in power. He managed to escape on a boat on the Danube that landed him in the Schwarzwald and eventually to Eisenhower’s where he was airlifted with soldiers getting mustered out of the service when Patton was so victorious, he’d piss in the Danube. He made it a point to teach Gil to do no harm and win with class. No pissing on Oakwood’s court after you won in triple overtime.

From P2-“…and it will put more Nehi in the Coke machine here in the Teacher’s Lounge and will get us more catcher’s mitts that we ordered but didn’t get because the School Board did not approve due to overexpenditure in the Athletic Funds budget and will get more waitresses down at The Diner so they don’t have to keep calling Maureen on her off-days and will pump up Coach Shaw more when he gets called to bed or when Mr. Dr. Pearl gets called to bed…”

And I will never EVER get used to The Hand making its appearance. I thought that damn thing got buried in the Collinsport Cemetery next to Barnabas’ mausoleum. Nope, Thorpiverse has revived it and it is full speed ahead in the conversation about players wanting to FINALLY make a commitment and this time actually show up. Let’s The Hand a hand. I don’t blame Coach Kaz for being a bit sardonic, but if I have talk to the freaks of nature that once graced Dark Shadows in all directions, whether about ball players or whether Willie Loomis needs Rogaine, whether Roger Maris’ record should be legit or whether Collinsport should add an Art Deco library to its structure, whether the chicken came first over the egg or Quentin should tell Barnabas he wants to be a volunteer assistant with Mimi next year, well, as Ricky Nelson once said, skip the Garden Party at the Milford gym, I’d rather drive a truck.

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to hand The Hand a hand-out and a hand outta town. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Kaz had a ________________________ when he was devouring his coffee mug.”

There is absolutely no logic to what Kaz is saying in P2 and what he is saying in P3. Now again, I think he is being a bit sarcastic in P2 and I’m assuming the caption balloon is intended for the utterances coming out of Kaz’s mouth and that he is not keeping his mouth open to catch a fly buzzing around the Teacher’s Lounge. No way that the sounds are coming from the mail slots in the background or that Coach Shaw is throwing his voice off-stage.

And I can share the skepticism he feels towards this latest project that Gil wishes to pursue but look what happened when Gil rung out the football players for sutting in their little cliques. I really don’t recall a time where the football team went through the turnstiles in one motion and sat with the rest of the Globby Happy People. This is yet another exercise in futility and Gil will bail and help his kids work on their putting by the time Vic and the rest of the Greyhound bus he rented to accommodate his dating situation head to the prom.

“Wow!!!!!!!!! Dr. Pearl, I didn’t know you could throw your voice!!!!!!!!!!!”

“And that’s not all she can do. Don’t take on my wife in shuffleboard if you don’t want to lose your money or she’ll clean your wallet fast.”

I remember when one year when my nephew played football and his coach made a good point. When you’re tackling the guy, don’t be on your knees doing it. As his coach said, we’re not begging him to come to the ground.

Good thing Gil isn’t tackling Kaz because Gil would in total genuflection at this point. Gil just looks like he’s entreating Kaz to loan some money because he’s two months behind on the house payment and Milford Federal used his gym as collateral. Gil, we’re only telling Ultraman, er, Kaz that even if Zane is pulling an overextended Doug Guthrie on us, that this Doug will get his head out of the garage and his ass, not necessarily in that order, and come play ball. No need to lick certain parts of the anatomy to get your point across.

And that’s AN ACTUAL TREE growing by itself, it would appear. No growth out of the bushes, Gil’s head, Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet, Andy Rooney’s graded term papers, Corina’s attitude, Doug’s NASCAR jacket or Hadley V.’s case briefs. Somebody actually used the water sprinkler this time. Still got issues with bushes as one little leaf wants to grow up to be a maple leaf but we’re making progress. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“That’s a real flagitious shot, Keri. You need more work with your putting. Drive for show, putt for dough.”

“Whatever you say, Daddy. Gimme that putter with the Mudlark head.”

At the Shaw residence with Coach Shaw locking himself once again in the bathroom

“Honnnnnneeeeyyyyyyyy, I am Hornnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyy-uh, why do you sound like Barney Rubble?”

“Go on, Woman. I am practicing throwing my voice. Nobody knew that was me when Coach Kaz was talking to Gil this afternoon. I want to work on my act so that I can add to my repertoire when I peeform on my Jazz guitar. I’ll really wow ’em in the front row at the Go-Go Club. I’ll amaze them when I throw my voice into a stripper’s boobs.”

“Honey, you need to throw something all right and I’m the throwee. Now unwock da widdle door and come to beddie-byeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why, I’ll even throw my Elmer Fudd imitation into the shot glasses. I’m tellin’ ya, I’ll work them dancers into a frenzy better than Thelma Houston’s ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way.’ It’ll be amazing to hear ‘My heart is full of love and it’s all for you’ piping out of the onion rings they serve for appetizers with Mr. Fudd on the lead vocals.”

“Darling, I think you’ve polished up your act and I’m sure they’ll go wild over singing beer nuts chiming ‘Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight’ but-“

“Oh Lord, Woman, and when I’m throwing my voice into Bertha Butt when she comes on at midnight, well, did you ever see a butt bigger than the entrance into the Simplon Tunnel croon ‘Hotel California’? I’ll give Classic Rock a new image!!!!!!!!!! They’ll be lining up to buy my new album by the strippers’ dressing room!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You’ll see her butt more than you’ll see mine unfortunately.”

“Don’t worry, after I get done singing ‘Layla Unplugged’ and see if it’ll come out of the commode, I’ll be done with most of my work.”

“Are you going to simply sing “Unplugged” out of your Significant Other?”

“She had me there. And did you ever try to ‘Layla’ out of a toilet? A Velvet Underground tune would have worked better. But with Milford Men’s Clinic and treatment programs that work, I throw more than my voice on my wife. And I don’t have to sing through the bed to get through at all. Come see what The Clinic has to offer and make YOUR voice be heard, once and for all.”

No, Gang, that is not Ultraman in P3. I used to watch it with my younger brothers and cheap superhero entertainment is a specialty of mine. And Batman did not build his Batmobile with cheap plywood the way they built the Ultraman scenes. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


  1. Ok. Duh, wow….the kid is bigger and stronger as a senior than he was as a freshman?….thanks coach Kaz, you fuckin’ dork. I don’t know what we would do without your vision. As far as this kid skipping a couple of years and then deciding he’s gonna’ play, most coaches would stick him at the end of the bench, if they took him at all. Does Zaney Zane play travel ball? If not, why would he be welcomed back? A girl at my daughter’s HS did that shit and fell on her face miserably and ended up getting cut. She thought she was gonna’ roll a softball onto the field and be as awesome as she was as a freshman but as it turned out, without playing for a couple of years, everyone else had passed her ass up and her attitude didn’t fly with the coaches like it did when she was the best player on the team. Of course, Gil (& Mimi) aren’t like most coaches. Gil would be better off if Vic and CK walked in and told him that they were gonna’ play too.

    Comment by franku2016 — April 1, 2021 @ 2:18 pm

  2. Yeah, I guarantee this kid will be a MAJOR contributor to the team. Cause that’s how it works in Giltown.

    Comment by MopMan — April 1, 2021 @ 3:32 pm

  3. Hey Gil. Don’t forget to explain the signs. The shoulder shrug is throw whatever the fuck pitch you want. Same sign in the batters box means swing at whatever the fuck you want.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 1, 2021 @ 3:56 pm

  4. The only way this makes sense is if Zane is one of those otherworldly naturally gifted freaks who even after a two year break can step into any sport and deliver all-star performance because the game truly is that easy for them… I’ve maybe known 2-3 athletes like that in my life… Milford seems to have them every other year?

    And as an aside, hasn’t this whole “Kelly Leak” storyline been done to death? The player with a shady rep or troubled home life who steps into sports after a hiatus and instantly starts kicking ass? Did Rubin forget Peppermint Patty exists and has been a focal character for a calendar year??

    Comment by Hitorque — April 1, 2021 @ 11:41 pm

  5. It’s funny because given how current baseball wisdom works, Gilberto and Kazuo see a kid who hasn’t played in two years and think he’s golden because that’s two years of *not* putting any wear and tear on his pitching arm, so he’s already slated to be the innings-eating workhorse…

    As an aside, how fucked up is Milford’s talent level if the team fortunes hinge on one big-assed question mark who hasn’t played in two seasons and isn’t even guaranteed to finish this season?? I mean damn! Make Peppermint Patty play baseball instead if you’re that hard up for players at your 2900-student high school…

    Comment by Hitorque — April 1, 2021 @ 11:51 pm

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