This Week in Milford

April 3, 2021

Go Directly To Shawshank. Do Not Pass Gil. Do Not Collect $200.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 9:22 am

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I always love these prison shots Thorpiverse throws at us from time to time. Sure, when we’re not wasting our time in our uniforms at practice that has no ball players and it turns into Gossip Time, we’re talking about that same place that Dufresne is scrubbing his boat where apparently Pat Benatar III will one day spend time with Zane collecting little crabs along the beach. Isn’t that romantic. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’, Girl.

And she talks about Zane like he’d been at the Dumbarton Oaks Conference and, well, when he was getting bored with the U. S. and Luxembourg discussing trade imbalances, damn, are the Mudlarks starting baseball ALREADY???? I was going to go out after I’d been with Phineas Fogg flying over Bhutan and when I realized I could soar to new heights when I saw the Himalayas, well, HOT DAMN, I can soar with the rest of the Mudlarks. Coach Thorp has a way of flying and avoiding the telephone wires on the way up to the top.

And when I get paroled from Shawshank, maybe I can catch Zane at his first game by first pitch. Me and Ellis Boyd Redding will be directly behind the backstop in our lawn chairs.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Legal Linchpin In Real Estate Holdings In Zihuatanejo Leaving O.J. Frustrated, Refiling Claims At Mexican Consulate In Milford!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I keep telling them, the boat ain’t mine. How can you tax it when you don’t sail it? Don’t know why Dufresne and Red bolted on it.”

And as the readers have accurately pointed out, you just can’t waltz in and say “Throw me a glove out of your dresser drawer, Coach. I’ll be warmed up for right field by the third inning”. You can’t just Milfordize the situation. You do indeed have to show up for tryouts. And I know that sometimes kids get burned out, sit out a year or two then decide they missed it and want to come back. And if that were the case here, fine, still get your ass to tryout, but fine.

But why do I get this feeling that Zane was attending school in Zihuatanejo and got tired of scrubbing Andy’s boat when Andy was sitting in a lawn chair, sipping on Nestea? If I had to scrape the algae with Red and the boat still capsized because Dufresne bought cheap Tijuana Ash for boat construction, I’d be back over the border too. And with Miss Benatar waiting, standing at the border fence while Zane is getting frisked by Border Patrol, Man, I think we have another workable plot to view in the next two to three months before Gil decides he’s had enough for the season and he vegetates until football.

And that’s assuming we are going to be single-minded in plot direction but with Tessi’s spaciness, Tessi’s indifference to Vic, Vic’s devotion to the mic and Armour hot dogs, Doug’s indifference to basketball, Doug’s indifference and incompetence to NASCAR, Mimi’s sudden decision to coach, Raymond Burr Academy jolting her back into reality, Corina contributing her acid two bits worth to the discussion, well, I think single-mindedness went the way of Tod Andrews. Still around but not regular enough to entertain any concern.

If ya had ta have yore pickup frisked at the border to ward off any suspicion ya is transportin’ any illegal hooch or other al-kee-holic products and they fail ta locate all the Jack crammed up yore crack, ya might be a redneck.

And this plot is getting off on the right field, er, foot already. Brito must have microwaved her hair when she was nuking her Eggo’s this morning and we all know about Jiffy Pop Head. Chunky bracelets and hair that’s been in chemotherapy, fashion is truly swinging avant-garde in Milford these days. Not sure I’d want to comb anything where you had to press “Pot Pie” function on the Amana appliance. I’d hate to see all my combs melt the way the Lady Mudlarks did against Raymond Burr Academy.

And what in the world is she talking about? What else has Zane been doing besides scrubbing ocean liners and ditching Gil every Spring for the last two years? Did he run the Best Little Whorehouse in Milford? Does he have stock ownership in The Diner? Is he Chairman of the Board and they meet in the Conference Room at The Bucket once a month? Was he keeping Lou Boudreau fresh with stats when he was broadcasting with Harry (Never going to change, Robmize-ha) ? So if you learn that Leon Durham hit .390 against right-handers after 3:00PM at Wrigley with the wind blowing towards Lake Michigan, you’ll know who was feeding Lou’s trough.

I’m still trying to figure out if Zane is a Trinity of personalities or simply Oneness. It’d help in determining if he should play right or left field.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Real Estate Holdings Procured After Milford Superior Court Orders Stay On All Zihuatanejo Transactions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘As soon as Cochran draws up the Visa papers, our agent should get through Mexicali without a hitch.'”

Is this another Ice Castles wrapped in an enigma in a puzzle in another aborted Doug plot in Vic’s chili dog? Katy Brito had nothing better to do than to listen to her Papa (we assume) bitch about the computer so she goes to tryouts (hint, hint, Doug and Zane) and takes a few swings and as long as she could dribble it to the pitcher’s mound and catch cans of corn with her stir-fried hair, she was on the team?

And her boyfriend, Zane the appositive, was finally released at Entebbe after Idi Amin negotiated with the American Embassy in Milford after working in a labor camp in Uganda extracting diamonds from the savannah and calls Gil to pay for the taxi fare when he’s released on good behavior and finds himself at the Kampala airport where Idi has to give final approval? Well, The Last King of Milford might have wanted to purchase a catcher’s mitt during the layover. And I am more excited than an octogenarian with a plate of Borscht and Onion Rings Combo at The Diner that Zane and Katy will be a match made in Milford and there will be sanity finally restored when conceiving plots. Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

Ooooooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to restore sanity to this plot and he didn’t need to dig diamonds out of the vacant lot across from The Bucket to do it. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Zane made the team because of his _______________________.”

What?????? They cancelled F Troop and now Larry Storch is out of work so now he’s forced to glue on a mustache and play a semi-abusive husband who spends more time at his Apple than at his daughter’s games? Will have to learn Spanish if the Brito household is a transplanr from Durango? Hi Honey!!!!!!!!!! Go Home!!!!!!!!!!!! Another sitcom brought to you by Milford Foundry and the Geraldine R. Dodge Foundation.

And I don’t think that’s Dinah Shore in the back. Let’s just play along with Thorpiverse and say that’s Larry’s wife. I hope she didn’t have to glue on that blonde hair or this sitcom’s going the way of that speedster Doug used when he got pulled over by Adam-12. And Gang, much as I respect Dinah and her celebrity status, she couldn’t sing her way out Gil’s gym (trust me) . If that is indeed Dinah and F Troop supplies a piano and her pipes belt out Sinatra’s “In The Wee Small Hours”, I’d rather watch Vic do doughnuts in a Radio Flyer. But that looks like how this farce is about to shape up. A travesty before you can call it one. How nice. I think I’ll go check out the Penne Pasta Rigatoni with Fried Gizzards Special at The Diner. I understand it comes with a drink.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Cleanup Has Halted At Zihuatanejo After Ancient Artifacts Unearthered On The Premises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: I talked to Cochran. He negotiated a 70/30 agreement with the Mexican government. We’ll make a mint off of those Aztec chunky bracelets they found in the pit.”

What’s with the Internet story angle anyway? “Internet Meltdown on the Planet of the Apes”? That’s right this whole horde of gorillas and chimpanzees take over Milford after shutting down computer access to the rest of the world. Hard to call in Federal troops when baboons are unaccounted for in the gym or on the softball diamond. Valley Conference Playoff Rounds will be hard to stage when killer monkeys are having their way in Thorpiverse.

Which leads me to believe we are like Harold Lloyd, hanging off that clock tower (that was not a stunt double, BTW. Lloyd was a bit of a stuntman himself and was really hanging off that damn thing) wondering what the next plot has in store for us, given The Andromeda Strain comes to the Britos’ living room. And how The Andromeda Strain relates to softball is anybody’s guess but we’ve been so conditioned with disconnected plot concepts that we can play Operation with the Charley horse piece missing and still not hear a buzz.

Hey, maybe Larry Storch can be a referee. Just keep the mustache glued and Gil might sign you to a contract for Mimi’s 5 basketball games.

“And we’ll be back to see if Ward Cleaver ever called Milford Computer Repair or left June holding the bag to go golf with Gil. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“And we did indeed get Larry Storch to sign his John Henry on the dotted line so I won’t have to thumb through the Valley Conference Basketball Officials Directory for the upcoming season. I tried to get a hold of Alan Hale but he had a prior commitment playing The Skipper at Milford Playhouse Theater during December and January. But Larry will do. We did tell him to keep the mustache glued on so he wouldn’t blow his cover.

But that’s enough for now because the jury is still out whether William Schallert can break his commitment from The Patty Duke Show and ref the Milford Holiday Tournament. I’ll keep the number listed. Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and talk about making the right call. Our “Booze is a state of mind” campaign is going like gangbusters so The Warehouse decided to expand upon a good thing by partnering with Milford Senior Living Center for the “No Elderly Left Behind” program that remembers our older generation with dignity and grace. Doggone, I don’t want to see some 94-year-old stranded in the hallway on a wheelchair at the Senior Center without Knob Creek Whiskey in hand. Life’s too short.

So if you are a citizen of Milford Senior Living Center and ride in the van subsidized by The Warehouse down to the Shangri-La of Fine Liquors, you will get discounts that will help go easy on your monthly Social Security check. In fact, some of you, yeah, you 80-somethings know who you are, you love living the high style. Hey, The Warehouse is way ahead of you. They knocked 2 bucks off that El Jimador Tequila and if you make it a combo by buying Milford Vending Soft Pretzels, the whole purchase is discounted 20%. Man, it makes me want to ride in a wheelchair myself. I’ll just sneak in the back next time and hope the driver doesn’t notice.

We were affronted by a group of little old ladies who wondered how we could fit the wheelchairs and Busch in the same vehicle. No problem. We have transport cases certified by the Milford Transportation Commision to guarantee safety of product and passengers. It’s nice to know that after Grandma Moses has purchased her Michelob Ultra Variety 30-Pack for a ridiculous $19.99 and only a dollar extra for the gallon canister of Milford Vending Beer Nuts that is safely stowed on top of the van roof while Grandma Moses peacefully snores on her way back home. Don’t that sound like Cheeseburgers in Paradise?

And it keeps Mr. Wilson from suing Dennis the Menace when his Miller High Life gets accidentally crammed in the muffler pipe and the van jerks forward, sending Mr. Wilson through the windshield. Ruff can’t lick his wounds on that one. Yup, beer sold on Mr. Wilson’s AARP Rewards Program that’s securly fastened just makes the foam taste better. Geez, don’t you hate flat Bud Light that rolled around in the dryer too long?

And some of you oldsters have a thing for Wink Martindale. C’mon, admit it, you got an erection every time The Joker’s Wild was on the air. Well, The Warehouse and Milford Senior Living Center are giving you an opportunity of a lifetime. If you purchase Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon from now until the end of the month, not only will The Warehouse extend the Hand of Fellowship, that Hand will knock off $3 AND let you pose in front of our Wink Martindale statue up for a free portrait. Shoot, no better way to experience The Good Life than to get a suitable-for-framing portrait of you sitting next to Mr. Hollywood Walk of Fame with your prized golden elixir in your possession. Makes the trip back to The Milford Senior Center worth it, doesn’t it? Hey, he might be hosting “Concentration” that night.

Hey, just because you’re old doesn’t mean you’re out of the game. You can still pluck the apple off the tree even if sometimes the van driver has to do the plucking. Come check out all that The Good Life has to offer, especially now with out First and Last Train to Milford and Clarksville, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Is Samuel Norton the principal at Milford High School? I haven’t seen Dr. Pearl lately. But God bless you, Gang.

At the Tijuana border station

“But I have no convictions!!!!!! Call my attorney, he’ll set the record straight!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sure, pal, I’ve heard that one before. Mr. Thorp, you and O.J. take a seat on that bench over there.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, I heard the whole F Troop was coming in for our Ice Cream Fellowship.”

“Uhhhhhhhh, here, Keri, Bugs Bunny is on TV. Why don’t you go watch WDIG-TV Cartoon Carnival in the Family Life Center?”

10 Comments »

  1. Oh no, not the internet!

    Comment by billytheskink — April 3, 2021 @ 10:01 am

  2. Great. He’s “adorable”

    Comment by franku2016 — April 3, 2021 @ 3:42 pm

  3. panel 3: two signs of trouble. 1) Man suggests partner has been negligent. 2) Man has mustsche, in Mfnrd a sure fire sign he is an asshole.

    Comment by vaganova — April 3, 2021 @ 4:23 pm

  4. @vaganova – He could go either way. I think a goatee/beard is 100% a sign of assholiness.

    Comment by MopMan — April 3, 2021 @ 5:35 pm

  5. Of course he’s upset that the internet is out. How will he be able to read This Week In Milford and Mopped Up Thorp?

    Comment by MopMan — April 3, 2021 @ 5:38 pm

  6. In fact, he’s so adorable, he wants less to do with Cindy Williams than Tessi did with Vic

    Comment by franku2016 — April 3, 2021 @ 6:16 pm

  7. 1. I just want to add Miss Black Girl with brown hair has to be the second greatest athlete at Milford since like Peppermint Patty she’s a starter for volleyball, basketball and softball and hell if we even know her name!!

    2. I *really* need to know what’s taking up so much of Zane’s time that he isn’t giving his girlfriend the business every single night, and why someone else hasn’t scooped her up yet…

    3. Kay Brito… Tessi what’s her name… Two girls who can make the average teenage boy go off in his pants with just a wink… Now I’m really confused why those two quarterback mooks spent an entire semester chasing Bitchy McBitch Karininininna…

    Comment by Hitorque — April 3, 2021 @ 6:44 pm

  8. Hitorque… all I can think is that dumb and dumber QBs thought bitch nose was gonna be trailer trash easy

    Comment by franku2016 — April 3, 2021 @ 7:15 pm

  9. C’mon, Hitorque! It’s Becca Ramirez – you’ve known her since first grade. (Not that her character card says anything more than tall & athletic).

    Comment by Downpuppy (I, me, mine) (@Downpuppy) — April 4, 2021 @ 1:23 pm

  10. Great job, Gang. The discussion was excellent and what I look forward to after all is said and done. Vaganova, your excellent take on Milford, i.e., 1959 with cell phones absolutely floored me. That is the best, bar none, take on Mudlarkland. Bravo, Big Guy.

    But you all contributed to Democracy and Free Speech. YOU are what makes America great. God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 14, 2021 @ 12:43 am


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