This Week in Milford

April 13, 2021

Gofigurethisone.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:14 pm

Zane Clark has entered our lives with questionable baggage, thankfully none that would suggest he did anything to earn bunkmate status with Mr. Bader. It is still quite annoying to imagine his absence from baseball and he’s been throwing through this used Toyo tire hanging off an elm tree in his back yard. Then he looks at his Seiko and goes “Shut my mouth and call me corn pone, it’s my senior year. I better get to Coach Thorp’s office before I go to Milford Photography for my senior picture!!!!!! If I’m lucky, he might put me in long relief!!!!!!!!!!”

And what was his dad doing to earn disability? I’m exploring the possibilities. Right now, I have this vision of a man who has this tool box and body shop equipment and he throws out his back attempting to straighten out the car behind the building that Gil and Gofundme are pretending to be pumping iron (don’t throw out your back, Gil, on that 10-pounder, while we’re talking about safety with body parts) . That’s right, Zane’s dad did not use the tow truck to line out the vehicle to its rightful form, instead opting to rely upon his brute strength and a chain and might have still been able to pull off this minor miracle if he hadn’t have slipped on a grease spot in the parking lot and thereby saved the artist needless ridicule for vehicles that would still look that way even he didn’t bother with this risky fait d’accomplait. So now we’re stuck with lousy vehicle Pollack Expressionism and a father on welfare. Oh, but Zane will be the Valley Conference MVP, get signed by the Dodgers, being a Bonus Baby and the plot will right itself. Dudley Do-Right strikes again, only in Milford.

Speaking of Dudley, the voice of him and Bullwinkle was portrayed by Bill Scott, a highly successful veteran voice actor and comedian (Rocky the Squirrel was voiced by a fellow veteran voice actress and comedienne, June Foray, BTW) . When the show was conceived, Scott, who had a hand in the scriptwriting for the show, asked the producer who was going to voice Bullwinkle. The producer replied matter-of-factly “I thought you knew. You.” With that in mind

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Appeal Community Service Sentence!!!!!!!!!!!! Talks To Cochran Legal Team Exploring His Options!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t know how to talk like a moose. What’s the judge expect, me to sit in Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and do mating calls with a foghorn?”

Here’s another theory. Zane’s dad is now unable to work because he was at war, armed with his Cub Cadet SC 300 hw walk-behind mower, with a mass of trees, such as the mass looming behind the avant-garde Art Nouveau-designed vehicles in P1. It was a valiant effort but there was no magician such as in Fantasia when Mickey Mouse had created a Frankenstein and could do nothing to halt the progress of walking brooms traipsing with their buckets of water all over Milford. No, the trees overtook him at the Battle of the Second Bulge and only a young maple sapling was able to save his life by having him hide behind Bambi. So now Papa Clark is living on chewy Granola bars and Cream of Wheat as the Monster Hackberrys and Ponderosa Pines did a number on his dental work. Way to kick a man when he was down, Mr. Loblolly Pine.

And what is Zane’s mom doing part-time? Picking up the loose leaves and loose twigs from the aftermath of the battle? That might be the longest part-time job on record. Is she working the drive-thru at The Bucket? I can’t EVEN imagine my mom asking “Would you like a Bucket Apple Pie with your Bucket Penne Pasta Rigatoni e Vino Rosso?”. Oh, I get it, she works for the Milford Highway Department as Manual Terrestrial Technician or Ditch Digger. You got it, if your toilet is overflowing, be assured that MHD will be tearing up the streets pronto to get literally to the bottom of the problem. You’d have Zane’s mom to thank when her earnest and determined efforts eventually means no more turds floating in your living room. America was built on the shoulders of giants.

Or maybe she might be a toll booth attendant somewhere. If it’s woman at 1:30AM on the Indiana Toll Road, I’ll FINALLY know who it is.

If ya lift weights with the Chevy engine block that ya yanked outta yore crate so that ya can tone on yore muscles and be in better cond-ish-in-ing when ya git ta work doin’ maintenance on th’ furnace at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

With just a skeleton load of information to work with, GoFundMe does appear to be a wonderful organization that has generally helped humanity. Like any organization, particularly charitable organizations, it has its drawbacks. The most glaring one, a limitation by the organization’s own admission, is while they are always happy to help people who got incapicatated through unforeseen circumstances that left them in the lurch now matter how much insurance they had, particularly health insurance, the organization has been confronted with a dangerous snowballing of people uninsured, those people increasingly clamoring for help. It’s nice to have a safety net for people who did everything to cover the bases and still got left a buck short; after all, that was why the organization was founded. But people do indeed need to do everything to take care of themselves through Medicare, Medicaid, insurance at work, and other legitimate government agencies so that the organization remains a wonderful safety net or the dam could break financially in the future.

STILL, it is a great alternative, one I highly endorse and they have been able to filter through the system so that, more often than not, people who honestly need assistance get it.

The problem I am having with Gil besides his Archie Campbell from Hee Haw interpretation of this outfit is I really seriously question whether GoFundMe is right for the Clark family, given the large-scale scope through which GoFundMe normally works. Sure, if Zane’s dad gets knocked in the head by that tree in P1 since the tree was the ringleader of all the killer trees in that picture, I’m sure his dad will be laying out for a while. But that’s what Workman’s Comp or Social Secirity Disability Insurance is for. I’m sure that once the case worker sees the welt on Mr. Clark’s head, he’d be approved in no time flat. Branch scars do leave permanent effects. In the end, this is Gil’s way of trying to show the general public he has a firm grasp on the task at hand. Coach, you’re barely maneuvering those piddly weights around, given the Hangman pose in P1. If that grip reflects your views on charitable operations, Milford Easter Seals might switch over to Christmas and Milford Toys for Tots could be another department at Toys ‘R’ Us. Thorpiverse, I am really amazed at your grasp of the issue. Makes me want to grab one of those trees and uproot it out of the ground and throw out my back the way Mr. Clark did.

Not to say that I wouldn’t applaud GoFundMe should that be an option the Clark family pursues. While I have always liked the Korean proverb I read in my high school World History textbook to “never use a sword to swat at a mosquito”, far be it from me to want to see the Clark family hanging. Get help where you can.

I just hope that Gil spends less time watching Hee Haw and more time watching the 21st century. It was funny when Archie Campbell talked about Rindercella and her sass glipper and her step-mother made sure that sass glipper wouldn’t fit so she could marry the prince. It’s less funny when Hee Haw is in the gym being played out by Kaz and Gil. The only thing missing in P2 is Lulu and the corn stalks.

“Gil, you didn’t know? The producer at WDIG-TV wants you to do voice-overs of Bullwinkle. You’re on in 10 minutes.”

“Kaz, I got a ball game in an hour!!!!!!! Does that producer think I give sports a low priority????”

“You really want me to answer that, Gil?”

And I thought the Shadow People were bad but I’ll allow that I can see certain features such as the hair off the head, their shoes, their banners, etc. But when I was an 8-year-old, if my teacher asked me to draw a picture of Charles Atlas lifting weights, my humble offering would be that pair of stick figures in P1. Don’t EVEN ask me to show what a stick figure Charles Atlas looks like when he’s doing squats or French curls. Nope, not gonna try to show how he executes the leg press or leg extension. T-verse art in relation to weightlifting is like a K-Tel Richard Clayderman record. Both may heve their merits but ain’t no way I’m calling the operators at 3:30AM to order after I saw the infomercial for either one.

Then there’s that tattoo. I’d rather wake up at 3:30AM and ORDER Richard Clayerman or Troy Corey or Clog Dancing in Milford (“It is sweeping the country!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) . Again, T-verse is trying to throw a “Birth of the Cool” angle at us by Gil trying to show he knows what he’s talking about and Kaz trying to show he knows what he’s talking about and attempting to back up that claim with his tattoo. All we’re getting is Close ‘n’ Play. Believe me, Miles Davis came out with a monumental record but Kaz’s tattoo and that classic record are about as opposite as the Grand Canyon and Star Trek Sings Creedence Clearwater Revival (trust me, a record similar to that actually got released) . Someone in the art studio must have exvlaimed “SHIT!!!!!!!! I forgot he’s got a tattoo!!!!!!!!!” and did a makeshift serpintine Crayola job right before press time and now we are stuck with a barbed wire design suitable for your next Connect-the-Dots activity on the placemat at Denny’s. The kids oughta love penciling in the barbs while they’re waiting for their Child’s Plate Spaghetti.

Gene Rayburn is back!!!!!!!!!!! And he doesn’t have any meaningless tattoos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he intends to tattoo this plot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Kaz had a ________________ tattooed on his butt.”

“Hey, Mimi, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, Bullwinkle you aren’t. How many Fantas did you drink to keep that voice?”

“Hey, WDIG-TV just signed me to a 10-year contract. When I can’t coach anymore, I’ll have something to fall back on.”

“We finally agree on something after over 30 years of marriage.”

We get to the part in the plot where Zane is just comin’ in when he durn well pleases. Why not? It worked in Gilberto’s office. Just toss a few rubber balls through the tire and don’t smash the garage window, take a few healthy swings at Milford Bat-o-Rama (be sure you’re loaded down with coins to keep the machines going) , stretch the truth and say that Don Mattingly was your personal trainer and voila! Gil has a spot for you on the roster. I’ll be sure to keep myself loaded down with war stories and fishing stories (“At my last employer, Wal-Mart, I caught one out of Electronics THIS BIG”) when I’m talking to the personnel director at Milford Foundry. Boy, I’m just as good as a job as a forklift driver.

Is his dad a quadriplegic? He has to spoon-feed Papa Lucky Charms and Eggo Waffles before he can apply last-minute touches to his homework? (Smacks head) DAMN I forgot, Mama is working part-time as an iron-pourer at Milford Foundry and has to have those iron support beams shipped off to build a freeway in another state and doesn’t have the time to spend nurse-maiding Papa or her son. Yup, when Zane did all his throwing, he had to retrieve his own balls cuz Mama couldn’t sing bass nor play catcher.

Does he get sent to the principal’s office or is everybody going to let it slide (again) ? Judging by the miens of humanity in P3, Zane better get his act together or he’ll pitching through the tire for Valley Modified.

“Did you have that tattoo sketched before you came to Milford? Or is your Grandma a Hell’s Angel?”

“Gil, don’t try Bullwinkle at Milford Comedy Club. You’ll have people thinking you talk as if your throat GOT tattooed.”

And we’re not sure if this a class (most logical guess), a conference/class discussion (iffy but possible) or a seminar (doubtful) or a club meeting (doubtful again) . Thank God this isn’t the Yalta Conference. It’s highly doubtful FDR could have kept warding off Stalin and Churchill with “I had to go feed the dog” or “My mom’s got herpes again and I had to change the sheets” or “I got held up at the Yalta Tattoo Parlor. They had this special on barbed-wire fences” or “I had to take my dad to Rehab to massage his fractured skull he got from a land mine at Nurnberg”.

And the atmosphere overall is beliveable as students are drawn like students and not Archie & The Gang viewed through A Hall of Funny Mirrors. The only thing that really qualifies for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is that little file rack on top of the cabinet. Some redneck evideny got careless and thought it was a sphinx and blew its damn head off. Now the class is stuck with shards of plastic and a student with shards of time. But we can always go to Office Depot and get another file rack.

“And we’ll be back to see if Zane gets relegated to kindergarten, thereby stripping him of his eligibility on the baseball team after this. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, have you have a loved one pass away recently? How did the funeral turn out? Did it meet your specifications or were you unhappy they played ‘Victory in Jesus’ instead of ‘When The Roll is Called Up Yonder’ for your great-great- uncle’s funeral? Did the hyacinths fall and leave a mess of dirt and water when your Grandma Bertha was lying in state?

These and many other unsettling concerns are certainly issues to be addressed. Greetings, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. When my great-great-great-grandfather recently passed away, I was worried that other funeral establishments could have flushed his Medal of Freedom that he earned from the Spanish-American War down the commode. That is why I turned to Milford Funeral Solutions and its ‘How Will You Be Remembered’ Program. Believe you me, they treated Grandpa Geezer like he was being buried next to Teddy Roosevelt.

They made sure his sword was painstakingly positioned over his chest so it didn’t resemble an enormous toothpick skewering his kidneys. And the music was perfect. He always loved ‘Yankee Doodle’ and ‘Way Down Upon The Swanee River’, especially when the he and the rest of the Rough Riders were charging San Juan Hill. I can’t remember which one Stephen Foster wrote but if he were alive, he’d need an extra hanky at Grandpa Geezer’s farewell party.

And Milford Funeral Solutions realizes that not everybody carries the same definition of a conventional funeral. That’s why for the Hooligan in you, your Classic Rock-loving grandfather can literally enter the Stairway to Heaven with Milford Funeral Solutions providing sound-proof funeral parlors so that Led Zeppelin doesn’t overshadow the funeral parlor next door with a pre-recording of George Beverley Shea crooning ‘Softly and Tenderly’ for that grandmother about to have her person donated to science. We are all one happy family under the same roof.

But perhaps some of you don’t like Billy Graham or The Who singing ‘The Punk and The Godfather’ when your mom is crossing into The Elysian Fields. Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions has varied musical selections, from Lawrence Welk to Beethoven, from Mitch Miller Singers to Hank Snow. And with your choice of foliation, not to mention state-of-the-art facilities for viewing, your loved one is sure to written in SOMEBODY’S Book of Life. With our automatic rotating casket for viewing, everybody will get an opportunity to see their Grandma Moses one last time with dignity and respect. And with free photos of the dead running the panaroma of fine observation, why go and leave your loved one to chance? I don’t want this to be a 50/50 proposition when I’m getting embalmed.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today so that you can have piece of mind knowing that your loved one will not be forgotten. We guarantee that your prized possession will leave behind a legacy that everybody can be proud of. I know we didn’t leave part of Grandpa Geezer’s legacy in the trunk but buried his combat boots along with his lucky canteen to be carted off to the Heavens. I’m sure Grandpa is gurgling mouth wash out of it behind the Peatly Gates wven as I speak. Come give your dearly departed the 5-Star Send-Off only at Milford Fineral Solutions.”

Gang, that is not Eric Clapton in P1. Clapton is God, remember? And when was God ever a stick figure? But God bless you, anyway.

At the Milford Comedy Club one rainy evening

“…what do I look like, me and Rocky and Boris and Natasha exchanging partners at an orgy???”

Dead silence. Somebody munching cashews in the back is faintly heard.

“Well, Mr. Thorp needs to brush up on his Bullwinkle but didn’t he knock ’em dead otherwise???? Huh???? Huh????”

10 Comments »

  1. Yesterday, when Gil was talkin’ about strokes, he was actually talkin’ about Zane’s dad and not him and Kaz. That’s probably the disability that has sidelined him. Gil also shows his senility by sayin’ “SoFundMe” instead of “GoFundMe”. How dumb can you get, Gil? Hey coach…why don’t you just keep yur pi-hole shut and simply look stupid, rather than opening it and removing all doubt. Meanwhile, little miss sugar britches shows zero compassion for this guy’s family problems and prefers he spend more quality time with her. Well, shit son, you might as well take advantage of that and throw one into her then.

    Comment by franku2016 — April 13, 2021 @ 2:16 pm

  2. 1. WHO in the name of hell not only comes in late but interrupts the teacher mid-lecture with some lameassed apology nobody cares about??

    2. Yeah, we can skip the rest of this stupid storyline and focus on that teacher instead because she’s a sex machine!!

    Comment by hitorque — April 13, 2021 @ 2:45 pm

  3. I agree that Grane unnecessarily disrupts class with his self-referential entrance. And we may be hearing from the teacher again. Like hitorque, I hope so.

    Howevair, I kind of like Gil’s reference to Sofundme. It’s consistent with past malaprops– I remember his referring to BookSpace and Myface and telling Kaz “Show me how to log in.” He’s an old time dull good guy, not much affected by the ephemera of social media, which these days is not a bad quality. Again, to raise the coinage I am proud of, Mfnrd is “1959 with cell phones,” and the coach is consistently behind the times in techno matters.

    Comment by vaganova — April 13, 2021 @ 3:29 pm

  4. FUWP
    That is all

    Comment by Downpuppy — April 13, 2021 @ 3:41 pm

  5. Yeah, it was established the other day that Zane’s dad had a big stroke and a few smaller ones. That is why he cannot work. As far as P3 today, I’m not sure Zane is walking into a regular class or not. At first I thought that was his non-girlfriend saying “again”, but now I see the hair is wrong. But the way the kids are positioned, at a huge conference table and some are at the side, I thought it was more like a study group or something. Group project? Too many people involved probably for that.

    Assuming it is a class and the “again” lady is the teacher, who is she? Is she new? Rawwwrrr. I think it’s rare for any of the boys to be late to her class.

    Comment by MopMan — April 13, 2021 @ 4:07 pm

  6. Maybe I’m dumb, but FUWP? It’s not even in the Urban Dictionary.

    Comment by MopMan — April 13, 2021 @ 4:10 pm

  7. Hell, I need new glasses and I was thinkin’ about trying them WPs. WTF?

    Also, how many high school weight rooms have big-ass picture widows to the outside? #musclemarys

    Comment by teenchy — April 13, 2021 @ 4:36 pm

  8. EDIT: Wait, that “teacher” is Kay Brito… I got confused by her facing the class🤔

    Comment by Hitorque — April 13, 2021 @ 5:49 pm

  9. It will PROBABLY turn out to be Katy, but go back to April 2-3 and tell me the hair matches. There’s no way she could have a long curl like that on the side let alone a ponytail.

    Comment by MopMan — April 13, 2021 @ 6:25 pm


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