This Week in Milford

April 27, 2021

It Took Five Days To Get To The Punchline????

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:25 am

Gang, to put this in its proper perspective, the Britos and their guest, Zane, were at the dinner table when last I posted. Since then, Irritation Man is still bitching about library waste, Zane went into a Rush 2112 Overture soliloquy (“…Milford is still in my eyes, the library is still in my head, I hear its siren, sadly smile, and lie a while in bed…”) , Katy is having to beg Bill Bailey once again to come home and Mrs. Brito is mad as Hell and not gonna take it anymore. And, naturally, Gil is not around to see any of this.

Allllllllll righty then.

And it has been seventeen (that’s right, put a 1 and 7 together, you got it in ya) days since we have had sports and that was when Katy (an educated but logical guess) slid into a base ahead of the Henninger fielder’s throw. Boy, excitement galore. No need to show Corinavirus going yard or Milford relief spelled Jocelynn Brown (hey, she’s been relegated to utility Jack-of-all-trades after Mimi dumped her at catcher for Corrosion Virus) striking out the side when it is sufficient to observe that Ms. Brito has her sliding technique down to a science. And why show Mimi giving Becca the green light to round third and get an insurance run when you can show the ladies engaged in virtual gossip on the bus? There’s no need to be out of character here. Softball takes a back seat to idle chatter any day in the world of Thorpiverse.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Scientists At Milford Community College To Conduct Study On Pin Oak Trees Emerging From The Azalea Bushes Behind Gil’s Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“As long as they don’t interfere with the Intramural Softball Season, I don’t have a problem with it.”

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S GOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE GET THAT RAID OUTDOOR SPRAY AND NUKE THAT TARANTULA OFF OF ZANE AIM FOR THE EYES IT’S GOT EIGHT OF THEM-oops, never mind, that’s Katy pawing Zane in an act of consolation for her father being as creepy as Them! And Katy, you wore lavender the other day, did the tarantula bite your outfit and turn a dark purple as a result? Boy, the color scheme parade seems to have gotten sidetracked down a cul-de-sac. Then there’s the trees. I’m glad Thorpiverse has finally consulted an encyclopedia and figured out what an oak tree branch diagram looks like; now if it can move past the concept that oak trees don’t grow out of your shrubbery, we can finally conquer twerpy trees and freak hands all in one swing. Assuming we ARE getting back to the ballpark before June.

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…What do I look like, Godzilla after he ripped a sugar maple out of a hollyhock’s socket?????????”

Steely Dan’s Pretzel Logic is quietly playing on someone’s walkman in the back row

“Gil, we waited five days until you got to the point?????”

I have a serious question for Thorpiverse. Did someone flush his crayons down the commode in the art room? Mrs. Brito’s hair was chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-fire brown the last time I posted, now she’s Tom Petty today. Don’t come ’round the library no more, hubby, unless you take the place of Mr. Anonymous Humanoid Who Bolted For Colorado And Will Never Be Seen In This Lifetime Again. Oh, we’ve given up (STOP!!!!!) on a plot that ain’t stronger, fer sure.

And okay, kudos to T-verse for remembering that Mrs. Brito was wearing pants the other day, complete with a belt that went actually through the belt loops. Lord knows, we’ve seen an occasional Jerry Lawler/Jeff Jarrett Southern Tag Team Title bit of apparel wrapped around Gil or Mimi. And granted, when she stands up, she probably pulled her shirt down to hide the “Libraries Don’t Bite” tattoo on her navel and also covers the belt. That makes sense so far.

But then she was wearing her eco-friendly green casual shirt the other day, now she must have stolen her husband’s shirt when he was busy ranting that libraries DO bite, literally and figuratively. I guess her “Save The Hollyhock-Grown Catalpa Trees” campaign is on hold for the moment. And where did Mr. Butthead get that red shirt? Did he rip it straight off of Bob Knight when he was busy chewing on a Big Ten official? At least when Coach Knight was arguing, he had a case. Geez, Mr. Butthead, if you’re going to take wings off of flies or a walker off of some 97-year-old granny, will you PLEASE have something to say? The world does not revolve around the Milford Public Library System. Trust me. We will get the Middle East problem solved with or without cutbacks in the janitorial staff at said location.

P1-“Kill Mr. Brito, Kill Mr. Brito…”

“And we’ll be back for the conclusion of “The Zombies Invade Milford” after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

Then there’s the cuisine. Mr. Butthead was so wrapped up in his malarkey that he didn’t finish the pea pods or the Fruity Pebbles on his plate. Maybe they have a dog that’ll lick the rest. And saying, for argument’s sake, that that’s Katy’s plate that Mrs. Brito is picking up, SHE didn’t finish her White Russia apple turnover, baked cauliflower a la mode, and green mini-tacos. But she had a valid reason. And who would leave a whole bowl of breaded asparagus wedgies unconsumed? There are starving kids in Oakwood who’d turn in their primers for a sample. And is thst a sugar dispenser? That’s about the only reasonable food item displayed but ain’t no way I’m pouring sugar on my wedgies.

And Mrs.Brito makes an excellent point in P3. Why it took several days and wasted soap-opera-for-sports time to reach this conclusion but we’re here, about to waste some more time and sports action for the glory of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. But who’s counting? But arrive we have and face it, what she says mirrors what Frank Zappa used to say “When you’re 18, register to vote and run for office.” No truer words spoken.

But Franku mentions P4 a lot and I want to pursue his excellent concept and run with this

P4-“Brito? Ya doesn’t have ta call me Brito!!!!!!!!! You can call me Butt. Or you can call me Butthead. Or you can call me Burrito Butthead. Or you can call me Asswipe Burrito Butthead. Or you can call me Asswipe Burrito Butthead, Esquire. But ya doesn’t have ta call me Brito. And I WILL run for that position on the library board. How many T’s in ‘Butthead’ or ‘Worthless As Tits on a Boar’?”

If ya have ta use Tums ta take care of all that gas ya got from the fried cottage cheese with Heinz Ketchup ya ate fer dinner, ya might be a redneck.

As long as I’m on the subject of Jerry Lawler and Mrs. Brito talks about running your mouth, God, the number of times Andy Kaufman ran his mouth when he was taunting Jerry Lawler. I swear, Andy had the whole town of Memphis, or Milford if you will, in a frenzy. Talking about how Lawler was just a hayseed and his brain was sitting on the tractor seat. But I remember when Lawler and Kaufman appeared on the Letterman show and if you’ll sub Brito in for Kaufman, Lawler is taking a lot from Brito and saying he doesn’t play around with sissies like Brito in the ring. The line of the night was when Lawler tells Brito “Your dad wanted a boy and your mom wanted a girl and it looks like they both got what they wanted”.

Keep flapping your jaws in Milford or the Mid-South Coliseum, Brito. One day, you might win the Southern Tag Team Title from Lawler and Jarrett.

“Does Zane eat more of Mr. Brito or more of Mrs. Brito’s cooking? In a moment, you’ll find out on ‘The Zombies Sell Real Estate And Have The Brito’s House On The Auction Block’. You’re watching WDIG-TV. Don’t go away.”

“Mrs. Brito is a pretty darn good cook, isn’t she? I’d love to sit on my easy chair watching the NFL Draft with a bottle of Busch and a plate of fried cottage cheese. Top it with Velveeta and I’m in Hog Heaven.

But I’m not here to talk about a fifth of Jack and some Egg Plant-Flavored Cream of Wheat while I’m watching the Senior Bowl. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and speaking of recliners, The Warehouse and Milford Furniture Outlet have teamed up for an exciting new promotion guaranteed to up your game and excite your taste buds and relax, all in the same building.

The Slumber/Kick Back/Elevate concept is drawing rave reviews as many people imbibe their favorite suds while indulging in lumbar liberation. This recliner, designed by Hooked on Chilling Out, possesses all the fine features that you expect from a recliner. No cheap leather that some sleazy manufacturer obtained from cows shot between the eyes in the Ruhrgebiet region of Germany that had been in the pastures too long. No sir, the chestnut leather was hand-picked from all the cows in Italy that make for a toughened products. Animal hide smack dab in the middle of the wine region will do that.

And with a purchase of Tito’s Handmade Vodka, The Warehouse will pick up $50 on the purchase of your new recliner. Boy, it’s nice to know that I can use that freed-up money to settle my account with Milford Lawn Maintenance. Now I can slumber and slurp on Tito’s finest, knowing the grass won’t get as tall as the mail box out front.

But some of you like to kick back and watch Major League Baseball on TV. No problem. With a purchase of a 30-Pak of Miller High Life at a slumbering price I can’t announce over the radio as attested by the riot last week, you can enjoy that Duralux Mahogany Recliner after The Warehouse kicks in a 25% contribution on your purchase. Now you’ll have piece of mind while you’re watching Harry lambaste the Cubs on a no-out, bases-loaded opportunity that went the way of David Clyde (I tried, Rob, I honestly tried) . Fun at the old ballpark.

And here’s something for you fussbudgets if anything else doesn’t grab ya, if you’ll purchase a 750 ml bottle of Maker’s Mark Dragonfire-Processed Bourbon, not only will The Warehouse contribute a sizeable portion to the cause, you will be able to sit in your Hooked on Chilling Out recliner next to the statue of Wink Martindale we proudly display up front WITH one of the arm rests boldly proffering his autograph. How he has time to autograph recliners and host The Joker’s Wild never ceases to amaze me. But you can watch The Joker’s Wild thus evening and sip on your Bourbon, confident that you have a piece of him in your living room.

And that’s just the tip of the beer bottle. Come in and check out the other recliner promotions we have to slake your thirst for The Good Life. You’ll find that chillin’ with a Bud while chillin’ on the recliner watching Milford Pro Wrestling is just the ticket when you want to take it easy in all the right places. Come down to all the right places at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

I don’t care what any of you say, I still insist that Andy Kaufman could have beaten Jerry Lawler if the officiating had been better. But God bless you, Gang.


  1. The cliche is, the broad says not tonight. Mrs Brito is getting pretty lippy. What’s hockey dad gonna say about that?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 27, 2021 @ 11:54 am

  2. I’d like to add that it took Rubin exactly 17 days to out-dumb his last story and keep his streak of the next story being stupid-er than the last story going.

    Comment by franku2016 — April 27, 2021 @ 12:01 pm

  3. 1. For the love of God Mrs. Brito, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PLANT THAT STUPID SUGGESTION ALONG WITH A “PUT UP/SHUT UP” CHALLENGE TO YOUR HUSBAND? Because it’s clear he not only doesn’t have the first fucking clue about how library systems operate, he hasn’t given enough of a shit to do a little research or god forbid complain to somebody a little higher up the totem pole than his wife, daughter and her boyfriend… But then of course if he took his “DEFUND THE LIBRARY” crusade to the city council, he’d get laughed right out of their offices and we wouldn’t have a secondary storyline for this season.

    The wife’s actions make zero sense unless she’s lowkey hoping ala Marge Simpson that her husband’s stunt will end in abject failure and humiliation… Or maybe she’s just looking for any excuse to get Abel out of the house so she has even more time for her torrid affair with a neighbor; because I’m thinking the real reason for Abel’s angry rampage against “the political establishment” is because he can’t get it up anymore, and/or he’s a raging alcoholic…




    Comment by hitorque — April 27, 2021 @ 12:02 pm

  4. World’s worst suggestions:
    (1941) General Erich Marcks to Hitler: “Sure, we’ll seize Moscow well before winter comes.”
    (1865) John Hay to Lincoln: “You look like you could use a laugh. Why not see a play tonight?”
    (2000) 49ers personnel director Bill McPherson to GM Bill Walsh: “We need a young QB. Let’s take the Carmazzi kid, and leave Tom Brady to someone else.”
    (2021): Mrs. Brito tells her jerkface husband to run for the library board.

    Comment by Philip — April 27, 2021 @ 1:05 pm

  5. @philip….let’s not forget (1984) Portland Trailblazers GM: “…we need a big man more than a flashy player….let’s take Sam Bowie from Kentucky and let the bulls take that kid from North Carolina…:

    Comment by franku2016 — April 27, 2021 @ 1:22 pm

  6. @franku2016: true – but Bowie did actually play for ten years. Ten injury-riddled years, but Carmazzi never played a down in a regular season game.

    Comment by Philip — April 27, 2021 @ 1:35 pm

  7. And I forgot whoever it was in the Cubs organization that decided to send Lou Brock to St. Louis so they could get Ernie Broglio. For those keeping score at home: Broglio won a total of seven games for Chicago before his arm fell off and he retired.

    Comment by Philip — April 27, 2021 @ 2:18 pm

  8. That wife is not only hot, she has an incredible way of changing her hair color in mid-meal.

    Comment by robmize2013 — April 27, 2021 @ 2:42 pm

  9. By the way, John Holland was the Cub GM who traded Lou Brock. At the time it looked like a good deal for the Cubs.

    Comment by robmize2013 — April 27, 2021 @ 2:45 pm

  10. @philip…that’s probably why I never heard of Carmazzi. In addition to Cubs shippin’ Lou Brock off for absolutely nothing, Blackhawks let Phil Esposito go too

    Comment by franku2016 — April 27, 2021 @ 2:53 pm

  11. Brady went in the 6th round. So every team passed on him at least 5 times. Scouting, can’t live with it. How much money is wasted on it? Travel, meals etc. Mel Kiper can be wrong just as any other jackass scout. But really, if you just follow his draft board you could save a helluva lot on scouting. You can veer off the board a little. And I don’t mean take Tebow in rd 1, but reach a little. Colossal waste of money and time.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 27, 2021 @ 3:40 pm

  12. DAMN!! I sound like hockey dad!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 27, 2021 @ 3:43 pm

  13. Not only did her hair change mid-meal, it’s also the 3rd color it’s been so far. Originally it was yellow, then brown, now….peach?

    Comment by MopMan — April 27, 2021 @ 4:42 pm

  14. JT… good point. I could make at least the same decisions as these scouts and I’m nobody. How many so-called “ can’t miss” guys have gone with high picks? Blake Bortles, Ryan Leaf, Tony Mandarich, Curtis Enis, to name a few. A chimpanzee could do better.

    Comment by franku2016 — April 28, 2021 @ 5:16 am

  15. […] Zane changing outfits from one panel to the next (not to mention Katy’s eyes changing from blue to brown). Before that, it was Mama Brito’s constantly color-changing hair. Today it’s […]

    Pingback by Color Me Inconsistent | This Week in Milford — May 8, 2021 @ 7:49 pm

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