This Week in Milford

April 29, 2021

Thanks For The Cupcake, Coach Ding Dong.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:33 am

Gang, were you as taken aback as I was at the topic Coach Dipsh-, er, Coach Mimi had in mind? With all the sleaze and gossip flying, especially when Corruptvirus enters the room, I was anticipating the conversation to be dragged down to Valley of the Dolls proportion. And I was entertaining the possibilities

“Corina, do you think Becca has herpes? I understand her sexual behavior is not too discreet whenever we don’t have practice so if you’ll slip a couple of IUD’s in her gym bag, I’ll make you the team captain.”

Aaaaaaaaaa, a bit too brash. Let’s try again, shall we?

“Corrupto, I think my husband is running around on me. If you’ll put a tail on him, I’ll contact Milford Community College for a softball scholarship. Here’s a 50 and the keys to the rent-a-car. Be discreet when he pulls up at the Milford Holiday Inn. Park in the semi section behind the Freightliners that pull in for the night.”

Aw come on, Gang. Sometimes non-leadership takes its toll on Gil. The temptations can be overwhelming.

“Coconut Head, I’ll give you a year’s supply of Milford Vending products, Twinkies included, if you’ll get in the trunk of Guthrie’s GTO and see if it’s true that he and the rest of the basketball team has been selling our signs to the other Valley Conference teams. Here’s a crowbar.”

Well, these scenarios pique interest anyway. None of this anti-climatic college stuff.

Because I am intrigued by the animal control businesses out there

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Calls Milford Critter Concepts After Latest Incident At His Condo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“What else could I do when there’s a giraffe in the shower and I had to get cleaned up for a date tonight?”

Gang, any of you remember Pro Wrestling on WTBS in Atlanta when Gordon Solie was the host (“…and, uh, Coach Thorp really experiencing his problems presently in the ring with a one Tommy Rich…”)? Remember Maniac Mark Lewin? His manager, The Great Mephisto? Well, while Mephisto is spewing out his bull on his charge (“…he has been in search uv ze truth to be ze great wrestling specimen he eez now…”) , Maniac Mark Lewin is posing in front of the cameras, showing off his physique and I mean he WAS all muscle, not an ounce of fat on the guy. He has on these nice Haggar dress slacks and no shirt, not saying a word, then with one hand wrapped around his other wrist, the free hand is in an open palm position, as if he’s meditating with his palm as part of the process.

So when I saw the palm in the same position today, only with a cupcake in tow, I was momentarily thinking that Maniac Mark Lewin had come to Mimi’s office for some reason.

“Sure, Great Mephisto, any edge I can get. When we turn in our lineup cards, you can unleash Mr. Lewin to apply the sleeper hold to the other manager. I’ll just tell the umpire that security at softball games has been getting a little lax.”

“Zank you, Coach Mimi. Zey closed ze Milford Coliseum zees week for renovations and my precious Mark Lewin needs plenty uv pract-eeez.”

I just can’t see Corina interrupting pro wrestling matches and body-slamming some Freezer Thompson or Mr. Clyde or Generic Stooge after she has displayed her appendage as in P1. Oh, she’s a trouble-maker and royal pain in the butt all right but the referee Frank Morrell or Jerry Calhoun will prevent any further misadventures the way they used to separate Ole Anderson and Thunderbolt Patterson.

“Great Mephisto, don’t you think, uhhhh, that Maniac Corina Crazy is going a little too far indeed? She just crammed a whole case of cupcakes into her opponent.”

“And Mr. Solie, ze TWIM readerz and Milford General Popu-lay-shun weel see more uv zees as a penaltee for daring to challenge her power and writing her out uv zee screept. Baysball and Sooftball weel be tor-chur to watch for ze next two months.”

“Fair enough. We’ll be back after a word from our sponsors. You’re watching Milford Championship Wrestling here at the WDIG studio. Don’t go away.”

But the saving grace is the artwork in P1 (Saints be praised) . Mimi actually has boobs, not Brunswick Bowling Specials, and the bushes look like bushes, with the exception of Bugs Bunny kibbutzing the conversation to the extreme right. And the papers on her desk (bench warrant? Why?) are stacked meticulously neat. The lone glaring exception is the trim on the window facing in one direction and the trim to the entrance to The Hall of Mirrors facing in the opposite direction. Still gotta be Escher-free. But a noble effort and the cupcake looks like something Maniac Mark Lewin can eat after he’s applied the sleeper hold to Coach Thorp.

If ya apply the sleeper hold to the hog ya is rasslin when the judges ain’t lookin’ cuz the dang thang is like pinnin’ yore Chevy to the ground, ya might be a redneck.

And let’s face it, what Mimi is conferring over with Maniac Mark, I mean, Corina is a perfectly valid question, either to play ball or just attend overall. And I’m not totally convinced that she couldn’t play college ball based upon her attitude after watching Lawrence Funderburke try to make it under Bob Knight’s coaching. Funderburke was the attitude of attitudes and so he surprised EVERYBODY when he signed with Indiana. But it not surprisingly didn’t last long as several Hoosier players, particularly Pat Graham, a sharpshooter out of Floyd Central, Indiana (suburban New Albany) , made an astute observation. When Funderburke chose to eat team meals in the cafeteria away from all the other players, he told his fellow Hoosiers “Take a good look at him now because he won’t last past Thanksgiving”. The observation proved correct.

What compounded matters was when one of Knight’s assistants, Joby Wright, grabbed Funderburke by the arm in his dorm to try to talk sense into Funderburke. Knight could be grab-by-the-collar when the player was a little over-the-line and many players understood. They knew what they were getting into. That said, it really wasn’t terribly wise for Wright to perform the action, given Funderburke’s volatile situation. The best thing to do was simply let him walk out the door. A coach can do nothing if the player decides to go play for another coach.

And again, Corina has what it takes based upon the information so far, although you never know. At this point, the odds say she got game. But that really isn’t the issue here. I just don’t think the readers are ready for another episode with Miss Corrosion. When she broached the subject of cookies a couple of days ago, I wouldn’t be surprised that Pavlov’s Dog reaction of brownies popped in everybody’s mind. She has been snarly for God-knows-how-long and is anybody really ready for another dose of “Don’t pour water into acid or you’ll have Miss Corrosion splattering all over you”? I thought not.

Mimi is like that leopard in the Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs asks, when the leopard is being served coffee, how many lumps of sugar does the leopard want. And when the leopard replies “Oh, three or four”, Miss Corrosion wops Mimi on side her head with a Hillerich & Bradsby Special. Of course, I think everybody should get a chance to right his or her ship but even when Miss Corrosion served brownies to two QB’s with egos the size of Corina’s lack of tactfulness, she never really changed her spots. She’s just as nauseating now as she was when she was introduced and that trend of ad nauseum will like carry over to Milford Community College.

At a Milford Baseball game one afternoon

“Great Mephisto, how could you let that maniac put a sleeper hold on my husband? Now we’re going to have to reschedule the game.”

“Relax, Mrs. Zorp. I will apply a potion zat weel wake him up before midnight.”

And what makes Mimi or anybody else think that Corina is ready for college life? I certainly do not deny that Corina has the intelligence and the discipline to handle the academic load. She will do well on her SAT’s, a measure incidentally on a student’s readiness for college academics, NOT on a student’s IQ, even though it is clear that Corina has the IQ and preparation for State U. But no professor is going to stomach her visceral attitude or speech in Biology Lab. Yeah, don’t tell the teacher assistant that the dissected frog reminds you of the cafeteria food. She better not write term papers with her acerbic approach or she could be gone sooner than Lawrence Funderburke. Spew her venom in Lifetime Tennis when the course is a dumb-jock-laden easy A? You deserve to flunk if you can hit it over the net or answer correctly that James Naismith utilized tennis for Spring as a continuation of Muscular Christianity from basketball season but tell the PE teacher that tennis is for people who couldn’t make Knappe’s Valley Modified team.

But you go right ahead and send that application back to Milford Community College. Maybe once we can see a sow’s ear turn into silk purse. Yeah, and Gil might wake up in the next five minutes from that sleeper hold. We’ll be waiting.

Oooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back as a yin to Corina’s yang. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that if Mimi gave Corina some________________ out of the machine, Corina might change her mind.”

P3 is full of absurdities, they might as well be in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects even if they’re really not objects per se. For example, I know Miss Corrosion is a talented player but no way can she twirl a cupcake on her fingers a la Meadowlark Lemon. She might as well be twirling her chunky bracelet. And is the only way I can Corruptvirus to talk is if Mimi feeds her a whole crate of Ho Ho’s? Sure, If I want her to sign with Arizona or UCLA, I’ll be sure to secure that reservation at Red Lobster. Maybe check the wine list to seal the deal.

And the room looks like they’re in The Riddler’s hideout. That window is so high, Batman and Robin are about the only ones brave enough to scale it vertically. And if you look closely, is that the top of the ceiling or are Mimi and Miss Corrosion sitting outside a gigantic doll house? I’ll give this last one Honorable Mention in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects.

At the Thorp household, Gil negotiating a Batman maneuver up the garage door

“Damn!!!!!! Almost there!!!!!!!!! I can slide down the chimney and get my keys!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, I’ve been getting dinner ready all afternoon.”

And judging by Corina’s words, are we to bring back Corina’s mom into this discussion? Wasn’t she some kind of terrorist that we just swept under the rug until the present conversation? You kind of get the feeling, reading between the lines of Corina’s protests, that she will eventually implode and it will have every bit to do with Mom being once being a member of the PLO. Boy, that’s a lot on your plate when you’re trying to give signals to your pitcher when your mom is bombing a McDonald’s in Tel Aviv. Mimi, you might want to gracefully back away from this literal load of dynamite.

But maybe Mimi’s right. Corina will be an All-Star catcher and win MVP in the Valley Conference while her mom gets the chair in Tyre for excess violent activity, especially destroying the kiddie horse up front at the Tyre Wal-Mart Supercenter.

“And we’ll be back to see if Gil wakes up after Maniac Mark Lewin applied the sleeper hold and sees his wife and kids again after these messages. You’re watching Milford Championship Wrestling on WDIG-TV. Don’t go away.”

“Mommy, Daddy looks funny with all that makeup. And why is he hiding behind the bushes in the backyard with a shotgun?”

“This is new on me, Keri, sweetie.”

In the backyard

“Gil, why are you wearing all that camouflage on your face? And put the gun down. What will the neighbors think?”

“Mimi, I’m going to catch that skunk, one way or the other. That anteater might have slipped out of my grasp but I’ve tracked down that skunk’s feeding habits. It likes to eat the herbiage in the corner over there. One munch on a twig and BLAM-Make my day.”

“Honey, there is no need to go through all this when you can call Milford Critter Concepts. They have safe practices designed to remove unwanted pests so that we’re all happy.”

“No way, Mimi. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. When that raccoon took my softball glove out of my garage, I didn’t have any equipment for that Major Industrial Slo-Pitch Championship. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice-“

“Gil, you are scaring the kids. And Milford Critter Concepts takes major credit cards including American Express. You can even write a check if you deposited that money like I asked you.”

“It is better to be on the hunt. Lying here behind the poses more of a challenge. Believe me, when I shot that armadillo, I knew what it felt like to be a man. It was man against Godzilla and you know the rest of the script, I’m assuming.”

“Gil, if you shoot and hit somebody’s bathroom window, YOU will do the explaining. I wouldn’t know what to say to my neighbor with him just wearing a towel and cussing like a skunk.”

“She was right. I called Milford Critter Concepts and the skunk was as good as gone. I was wondering why the shed smelled so bad. But Milford Critter Concepts took care of that and many other problems. They even found my glove in the sewer. Just add some linseed oil and I’m good for the next tournament. A beaver does not have a chance to build a dam by the verandah with their safe and tried-and-true methodolgy. Mimi and I can drink a brew in peace, knowing that beaver will have to set up shop at Dr. Pearl’s country estate. Give them a call today and remove the pests that don’t always come through the front door.”

Gang, it’s okay. I’ll wait until Gil wakes up. The Great Mephisto said the potion should wake him up in a couple of hours. You go on to your own affairs. And God bless you, Gang.

8 Comments »

  1. Yeah. Miss “I can’t-talk-without-being-a-smart-ass” is really having a conversation about playing college softball? The same kid who has never played travel ball, and claims to hate authority and team sports? That kid? With that attitude, I’m sure that the college coaches are drooling over her by now, especially with one entire game of experience. Even though PP is tellin’ Mimi to not be fooled, that’s exactly what she’s doing. If it wasn’t for the stale cupcake from a company that’s been out of business for years, she wouldn’t even be talkin’ to Mimi. PP’s talents would be better spent on that douche Brito.

    Comment by franku2016 — April 29, 2021 @ 12:38 pm

  2. Yeah – with those Thorp connections, I bet she can get into the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople!

    Comment by Philip — April 29, 2021 @ 12:55 pm

  3. @philip….or an on-line only school with minimal academic requirements like SNHU (southern new hampshire u.)

    Comment by franku2016 — April 29, 2021 @ 1:21 pm

  4. Comment by franku2016 — April 29, 2021 @ 2:11 pm

  5. 1. Oh Jesus God NO!! Does this mean Peppermint Patty is only a junior and we have another year of this Bullshittery? Because even someone as dense as Patty wouldn’t wait until April of her senior year to start thinking about her post-graduation life…

    2. God damnit, Patty… Please stop with that faux humility self-depreciating humblebrag bullshit already and just embrace what you really are, which is an egotistical wannabe smartass who is really good at sportsball… You’re not a girly girl, you’re not a comedienne, you’re not some nerd genius, you’re not some punk rock anarchist, you’re not some leather jacket wearing rebel without a cause, you’re not the star of your own fuckin’ sitcom with a built-in laugh track that only you can hear, and you’ve made it clear that boys aren’t your “thing”… What you are is a tomboyish girl jock with a standoffish attitude whose only value to her school community will be rooted in how many games she helps to win… A jock who will never have genuine friends, only coaches and teammates.

    Comment by Hitorque — April 29, 2021 @ 2:54 pm

  6. @Hitorque – you have reminded me of the ’73 Oakland A’s. Most of those guys had no real friends on the team (they were, however, united in their disdain for owner Charles Finley). There were rumors that at least one post-game locker room fight was broken up by sportswriters. Those rumors seemed pretty credible at the time. They won the World Series – possibly the most dysfunctional team to ever claim a major championship.

    Comment by Philip — April 29, 2021 @ 3:09 pm

  7. Yes! I read Reggie’s autobiography and those Oakland teams were something else… They’re still the last team to win three WS in a row, and if Charlie Finley wasn’t such a tightwad bastard their dominance might have lasted the entire decade…

    Comment by Hitorque — April 29, 2021 @ 4:47 pm

  8. Excellent discussion, Gang. Y’all brought it today.
    Frank, thanks for The Who insert. It was funny and appropriate. Us Hooligans loved the video.
    And I liked the talk about the ’73 A’s. I remember when one of the scouts was in Finley’s office talking about an A’s prospect. The scout was talking about all the player’s tools, his strengths and weaknesses, but Finley, ever the impatient one, could be heard yelling through his office door “I don’t give a shit about his home run totals!!!!!!!! Can he help us win or can’t he????!!!!!!!!!”

    Sara M. Fowler, thank you again for the Like. I’ve taken a look at your stuff and I like what I see. People like you make this TWIM site rock!!!!!! Thanks again for the vote of confidence.

    God bless you all, Gang. You mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 2, 2021 @ 1:42 pm


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