This Week in Milford

May 6, 2021

Will Somebody Play This Game Around Here?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:02 pm

I mean, the ’62 Mets were awful but they PLAYED. No sooner than Katy Brito catching what was possibly served at the dinner table a few days ago on Mrs. Brito’s watch and Landry Carlson doing a Tom Terrific on us than we head back to the gossip corner with Elviney and Loweezey. Shoot, there were more trees than fans at the “game” I saw. Oh, sure, we have people intermingling with Mudlark players today but somebody from the art department who is skilled in drawing peons who were standing in line at the Milford Unemployment Agency could have slipped a 20 in each of their pockets to pose for a few minutes until the water colors dried off. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver. I hope you get that job at Burger King. I understand they upped the pay on burger line cooks to a dollar. Now just look like your congratulating her on hitting for the cycle. You don’t have to smile.

And was Zane really using Becca as a decoy until Butthead left to go apply for the job at The White House? Not that this is the first time Chef Boy-ar-Dee Hair has been a catalyst in the true sense of the word, i. e., a filler until the mud-slinging and sniveling tripe kick in. Does she sleep in Mimi’s office until practice/games? It would seem to me you need somewhere to lay your head until you have to wake up and grease the wheels. And Mimi has a fridge in case Becca wants to store anything cold.

And what could POSSIBLY been the topic of discussion? The ’62 Mets? Boy, conversations about Casey Stengal legging out his managerial career will get you a date, hands down. I’m confident they were engaged in a spirited discussion about whether Marv Throneberry would have made the Mudlark Baseball roster. Oh no, Becca, I’m not talking like this until Mr. Butthead leaves and drives down the cliff with the rest of the lemmings. I really want to know if Throneberry could hit Valley Conference pitching.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. In Shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘I Saw Elvis Last Night While I Was Walking My Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'”

sub headline

“He and Colonel Tom Parker were in that piggyback tree talking about a possible return concert in Hawaii.”

No, really how do we know that so-called teenage popping his head between Zane and Becca “The Gossipmonger Facilitator” Ramirez isn’t really a laid-off lathe operater at Milford Lumber Yards and he needed the easy money to pay the light bill at his duplex? Just talk about the Cubs and nobody will notice. Be careful talking about Lou Boudreau’s illustrious broadcasting career. You might blow your cover (Robmize is going to kill me, Robmize is going to kill me…) .

Or that gentleman to the left could have in actuality been a crane operator at Milford Scrap Iron, Inc. and there was no more GM cars to smash and the rebar pile had dried up and he has to enroll in retraining classes at the employment agency to learn a trade as a plumber in conjunction with Milford Pipefitters #37. Good thing his pants are pulled up or people might start getting suspicious. Bend over to pick up your Coke cup you dropped on the ground and Plumber’s Butt will arouse doubts whether you’re a true fan who’s taking his daughter home after a hard-fought victory or you’re just keeping your britches up just to appease the artist drawing these characters. Oh, there’s plenty of those so far, with or without Plumber’s Butt.

And will somebody tell the artist, while I’m on a roll, that maples do not ride shotgun on other maples (or whatever those trees are in P1) ? I have hiked parts of the Appalachian Trail (Harper’s Ferry hike is to die for) , The Knobstone Trail, longest trail in Indiana, River-to-River Trail in Illinois, Ozark Trail in Missouri, Santa Fe Trail in Oklahoma, Long Trail in Vermont, and millions of other trails in National and State Forests and I have yet to see an oak hunching a hackberry, a catalpa standing on the shoulders of walnuts or dogwoods growing out of Gil’s hair. You will NEVER see a ginkgo having to have the hose turned on it in relation to a loblolly pine as you would observe between two dogs. But I will consult that horticultural guide I checked out from the Milford Public Library just to be on the safe side.

If ya gotta use the garden hose on yore apple tree cuz it got stuck with peach tree and ya don’t wanna get accused of inbreeding as rampant as yore lineage, ya might be a redneck.

And we as the TWIM faithful were seeing light at the end of the table when Zane was broaching a sports-related subject but noooooooooo, we’re lowering ourselves to Last Picture Show status and all the trashy behavior thereof when Katy gives us a heads-up by the change of subject and you KNOW her subject really won’t be sports-related if we were left guessing because P3 got chewed up by the dog. I don’t think, if I was left at the edge of the cliff in P2, that Katy would be about to bitch that Coach Mimi was relegating her to long relief. That she was platooning with Becca because Becca brings more pop to the bat and to the gossip, whatever the situation calls for. Sometimes the hit-and-run at the gossip fence won’t produce the big inning. Yeah, don’t count on this continuing where Gil tells Mimi to bench Katy because he doesn’t care for Pat Benatar and doesn’t want to be reminded of “Hell is for Children” when Katy/Pat is in the on-deck circle.

No, we’re going down another General Hospital path and what adds insult to injury is the pajamas both Zane and Katy are wearing P2. If you have kids, these are threads they are wearing when you’re reading “Little Red Riding Hood” or “The Little Train That Could” at bedtime. These were the kids that were grown up now from The Cat in the Hat narratives. They should have left their PJ’s in the stories, if not at home.

Wherefore is your attire

Tho I admit I admire

To play the game you so desire

Rather than nocturnal fare so dire

Mr. Cat in the Hat, Esquire

This is our desired attire

And you should be fired

And gracefully retire

And stick to green eggs and ham.

Come check out Iroquois Gardens Apartments. I have been here two years now and have found them comfortable and affordable. It is a perfect atmosphere for writing this blog as I have easy access to many different restaurants and stores, plus there’s a park across the street from me. The showers run super, a lot of closet space, comfortable bedroom, plus the kitchen is out of this world. Because I cook a lot, I make great use of the microwave and stove and the refrigerator stores all my favorite frozen items and refrigerated foods. It gives me piece of mind knowing I can concentrate on the blog and not worry about annoying problems. If there are problems, particularly maintenance, they get addressed immediately. Take New Cut Road (Taylor Boulevard) south of I-264 in Louisville until you reach the stoplight at Park Road. You can’t miss them.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

I just love the size proportion in P2. Zane looks like he’s talking to some girl in Milford T-Ball League. We got it all today, Shawshank fences, trees with offspring (Credit to Mopman who came up with Comment of the Day-touche) , munchkins that play high school softball, girls who shovel the doo doo without getting the crud on their cleats, and non-existent coaches. But munchkins haven’t been around for 60 years. Nor crap-encrusted cleats.

I’m almost half-expecting Katy’s munchkin cohorts to exhort Zane to follow the Yellow Brick Road. That might as well be the answer as there really is no workable solution for Mr. Butthead running for Library Czar and purging the facilty of all the quilting magazines. I’d be dancing to see The Wizard with the Cowardly Lion and The Scarecrow too if I really didn’t know how to prevent the Library National Guard from throwing all the O. Henry’s in the incinerator.

Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to make sure we stay between the lines if everybody else in P1 and beyond is fixing to step outside them and not just because the game ended as we have trangressed those boundaries even with the gane in progress. Not with Gene to crack the whip. Start crackin’, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Butthead Brito was running for office on the Library Board because the library needed a ___________________________.”

To NO ONE’S surprise, Butthead is indeed going to run for a position on the Library Board. Why we had to interrupt the flow of sports for something we were seeing two miles down the road is a Rubik’s Cube I’m not EVEN going to put back together like Humpty Dumpty and as long as we’re going to ONCE AGAIN put sports back in the fridge next to that Waldorf salad that hasn’t been touched since Christmas and the meat loaf that’s raggedly wrapped and accumulating moisture as a result of the malfunctioning tap, can we at least make this sleazier than Butthead doesn’t like empty library space so he’s going to be Library Czar and order National Unused Reading Room Extermination Day? Are there any back issues of National Geographic still hiding behind Reader’s Digest, get ’em up against The Wall. And that Atlantic Monthly of Henry Winkler on the cover, that don’t look right to me, get it up against The Wall. And that Guideposts got mold and Pschylogy Today is for baboons, who let all this riff raff into the rooms, there’s a James Patterson out of print and a Clive Cussler with spots, if I had my wayyyyyyyy, I’d have library materials shot. Maeve Binchy’s are just another Brick in The Wall.

Pink Floyd aside, why can’t we REALLY ratchet up the sleaze and bring a Last Picture Show atmosphere to this farce. After all, the football coach in the movie, Coach Popper, was about as available as Gil has been for 60 years. What made it funnier was one of the deadbeats in the movie is having sex with Coach Popper’s wife. I mean, as long as sports is the Queen of England around here, why not have Zane dump Katy and get it on with Coach Mimi? Shoot, you see Gil anywhere?

And we don’t have to limit this to a one-pony show. When Butthead Czar goes to the Board Meeting to vote to eliminate the Salvodor Dali paintings because he could draw time pieces better than those bent specimens, Zane can do a quickie with Mrs. Brito. Heck, it would make up for all that organic cottage cheese she served at dinner last week and the mud-slinging and mud-induced scenery would be a vast improvement. Let’s quit crucifying sports and bringing in Leave it to Beaver when Falcon Crest just about sums up this tomfoolery anyway. Just saying.

“You think you’ll be in trouble? What if we get caught?”

“I think we’ll be fine, Coach Mimi.”

“I’m Coach Popper’s wife.”

“And we’ll be back to see if Coach Popper runs off with Mimi in a shotgun wedding after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I hope my wife comes back to me. Naturally, I know it’s all acting. Movies are like pro wrestling, it’s all fake. I’m confident Jerry Lawler eats at the same table at The Bucket with The Moon Dogs as much I will not be sleeping alone tonight. I left the door unlocked anyway.

But I’m not here to talk about my personal affairs when Milford Beverage Warehouse is in another great promotional campaign guaranteed to raise the roof without raising the prices. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and aren’t you glad to hear that rare bit of good news.

Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Critter Concepts have teamed up to have you enjoy The Good Life without a giraffe munching on your petunias in your garden. And we’ll start you off right by offering you 25% off the bill when The Critter Man comes out and has to do more than spray Raid on your sugar maples. That’s right, with your purchase of Canadian Mist at a ridiculous $19.99 in the 1.75 bottle, Milford Critter Concepts will implement measures guaranteed to prevent further invasions of prairie dogs who chow down on your watermelon patch. Hey, and at a discount. Get piece of mind knowing the alarm system is scaring the prairie dogs off your property and in your neighbor’s yard. While sipping some Mist in the twilight of the evening on your chaise lounge on your patio deck. I can hear Brubeck crooning ‘Life’s so free and easy’ now.

But then I’ve heard reports of hippos scaring their pets and ransacking everything in their backyard and garage. Lot of huge browns spots in the grass, fer sure. Hey, don’t jump in with your elephant gun. Especially when Milford Critter Concepts is willing to knock 15% off the bill if you’ll purchase Old Forester Whiskey at an easily affordable $27.99 from The Warehouse. C’mon, Folks, let The Critter Man send that hippo back to Africa without you taking matters in your own hands. All you have to do is buy the bottle and let a man do what he’s got to do. They’ll find a home somewhere on the Congo River, you’re just going to have to take my word for it.

And there were reports in my neighborhood that ring-tailed lemurs were searching purses in people’s cars when they were inside watching Dallas. Man, I thought they all lived in Madagascar. Shows you my knowlodge of zoology. Thank God, Milford Beverage comes to the rescue to bail you out when that critter is swimming back to Madagascar with your wife’s lipstick case. For a purchase of Miller High Life in the 30-Pak, 12-Oz. cans, Milford Critter Concepts will knock off 23% of your bill. And even better, The Warehouse will cut 2$ if you make your purchase by the end of the month. Man, protecting your cigar box on the dashboard from monkeys that look like raccoons and having until the Indianapolis 500 to get TWO DISCOUNTS???? Makes me hope they go through my wife’s lingerie.

Hey, there’s more where that came from. Come in and get your booze and get those hippos out of Dodge, only at Milford Beverage Warehouse, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Gang, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. My dad called with a last-minute trip and I wasn’t able to use my phone. Then when I returned, I was wiped out. I can only make it up to you by finishing the blog. The Show went on. That’s what I think you want and expect. And you’d be right. God bless you, Gang.

Heard at Milford Lounge

“No, really, I saw Elvis in that piggyback maple. I thought I had been drinking but knew he liked fried bologna sandwiches and The Bucket delivery sent him a bag.”

Coach Mimi at softball practice

“I need you to expand your role, Becca. The team needs you down the stretch.”

“But I’m already gossip facilitator.”

“But we need a third-string catcher now.”

7 Comments »

  1. Yeah. On the topic of gossip, I’m surprised that Zane is avoiding Bore-eto like a fuckin’ ‘fraidy cat and needs ‘Becca to once again, point with that bent-ass finger of hers that Elvis has left the building. Grow a pair kid, and walk over to Katy, grab a handful of her ass, and make-out with her, right there, in front of everyone, including Bore-eto himself….fuck that guy…show him that you couldn’t GAF less about what he thinks. Meanwhile, Katy cautiously tells him that her dip-shit dad wants to join the library board, like that’s A) a big surprise, or B) like it’s some big-shit position, like he’s running for an alderman’s office or something, or C) like she borrowed Zane’s car and somehow wrecked it. Rubin never fails to disappoint when it comes to turning a boring, innocuous story into something that would qualify as an intense-drama Lifetime for Women channel movie.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 6, 2021 @ 12:23 pm

  2. 1. I know somebody already explained it, but what’s the deal with these ugly-assed all-red uniforms in every sport? Don’t they ever wear home whites?

    2. I don’t get it — Does the Milford baseball team literally practice in their game unis? If so, then why?

    3. I don’t get it — Does Abel Brito have a legit everyday JOB, or what? Because he seems to have an awful lot of free time on his hands…

    3a. Speaking of jobs, I thought Zane’s schedule was already packed solid with his night job, his schoolwork, his homework, trying to get a little more movement on his two-seam fastball, his chores, and any other errands or household responsibilities he might have given his position as the de facto head male of the household now? I wouldn’t think he’d have ANY spare time to even see a softball game, much less wait to chat up his girlfriend afterward…

    4. Kay: “I must tell you that my boorish ignorant father is applying for the open spot on the library board…”

    Zane: “Umm… Okay? Exactly what the fuck should I care what your old man does? You gonna let me motorboat them titties later or what?”

    5. It’s funny because if Milford is anything like my local public library board, it’s not like it has any real unilateral powers — They exist to serve a strictly advisory role to the Director of Libraries and the City Council, and they only meet one day per month… FFS, even two high school kids (junior and senior) are *required* to serve on it by law, so maybe Zane can put his name in, too? And nevermind the fact that you don’t just join the board by scratching your name on a sheet of paper… FIRST, you apply… SECOND, your qualifications must be vetted and then you are selected out of the applicant pool by the nominating committee… THIRD, the nominating committee decides on the finalist(s) depending on how many vacancies they are looking to fill… and FINALLY, you must be approved in a majority vote by the City Council, and given Abel’s dazzling personality and ability to win people over, there’s no way in hell he should make it past the second step, much less win over the council.

    Comment by hitorque — May 6, 2021 @ 2:16 pm

  3. Wow hitorque, sounds like a lot of scrutiny for candy ass position like library board member. Maybe Brito should run for dog catcher and throw Zanes Chihuahua in the hoosegow for crapping in the petunias.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 6, 2021 @ 2:48 pm

  4. Hitorque’s account shows that his local library board’s role in running the library is very similar to the board in my town. The planning lies with the director, normally a reference librarian with a degree in library science. The board’s role is to represent the public in the operations of the library, but mostly to certify that the director’s account of how public money is being spent is accurate, and that money budgeted for subscriptions has not been used to pay for a trip to Manzanillo which the director spends pumping his assistant. Occasionally some asshole comes along who knows nothing about libraries but is convinced that the operation is wasteful and needs to be “run like a business,” even though libraries and businesses have nothing in common. Enter Brillo, in this case. The really good board members do not excel by exposing non-existent fraud but by campaigning for funding for new services, such as expanding the local history section or beginning a guest lecture series. Hint: the potential for fraud in a town library is small because the budgets are small and transparent. The real crooks go after things such as kickbacks on paving contracts or no-show appointments.

    Comment by vaganova — May 6, 2021 @ 4:15 pm

  5. Excuse me, but claiming these tree scenes aren’t realistic is a bit ignorant. How else do you think these adult trees make baby trees?

    Comment by MopMan — May 6, 2021 @ 4:51 pm

  6. In looking up the best schools for library science (who knew, certainly not me) I saw Central Arkansas was 13. Scottie Pippen’s major? Hmmm? Iowa schools excel with N Iowa and Big Tens Iowa in the top 5.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 6, 2021 @ 6:14 pm

  7. My Goodness, I’m in Heaven. I just kick back and read your comments with pure joy. You don’t know how much I love reading your contributions. And I like the round table discussion feel to them.

    The Paltry Sum and Sebastian, thank you VERY MUCH for the Like. Your input means the world to me. It makes TWIM that much better.

    Really proud of you, Gang. Democracy won another day. And that makes MY day. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 14, 2021 @ 4:06 pm


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