This Week in Milford

May 11, 2021

Even The Uniforms Aren’t Uniform.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:34 am

We are going this way and that and no better way to sum up the direction of this storyline et al than to refer to the yucky green and random color scheme on the Mudlark Outfielder the other day, unless Crockett allows its players to be on the field to admire their own tape jobs. Now we are back to loud red and smudgy black and that MTV logo on the back. And today Tilden stole those Lucky Charms-imbued threads just to keep the plot from falling off the cliff. I guess, Thorpiverse was afraid we were going to nod off to sleep. Any way to retain our attention, I reckon.

And like with trees, does anybody know how to draw cleats? Those are the same sneakers Medfield wore in the basketball games against Mighty Rutledge in the Flubber movies. Sha Na Na wore them as part of their act when they were at Woodstock. BTW, anybody who ever wondered how a ’50’s teeny-bop group wound up in front of a multitude of hippies in upstate New York on Max Yasgur’s farm, well, they had people like John Lennon to thank, who really loved their act. Many rockers from the ’60’s were nostalgic and wanted to keep the ’50’s sound going. Ten Years After, started by the venerable Alvin Lee, was called that because they formed in ’66, ten years after Elvis hit the Big Time. I think you can take it from there.

Anyway, Sha Na Na gets up on stage and the first thing someone from the group says as they are about to perform is “F— you, hippies, ’50’s Rock is here to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And that’s pretty much what T-verse is telling us TWIM readers “F— you, TWIM, these ununiform uniforms are going to last until Christmas or forever, whichever comes first!!!!!!!!!!” As long as the players wear cleats, I don’t care if they show up in Bozo outfits. Well, let me rephrase that.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Turns Down Offer To Tour With Sha Na Na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“There’s no way I’m wearin’ a lame jacket. I had to wear one at my trial. And I ain’t wearin’ sneakers Howard Twilley wore for the ’72 Dolphins. Hard to elude a defensive end in them damn things.”

And of course the script calls for our hero to make it interesting, no matter how many times he threw through the tire. They didn’t all go through the tire, no matter how many all-nighters he pulled. Nope, Lucky Charms Preparatory School a/k/a Tilden stole those Howard Twilleys and are making a game of it. Well, practice makes perfect so Zane bore down and didn’t throw his brain through the tire the way T-verse did. Shoot, T-verse threw those Twilleys through the tire the way the plot has developed. As long as it doesn’t look like Gil ate too many bowls of Lucky Charms this morning in terms of strategy, I think we’ll be fine. Eat some more Shredded Wheat, Coach, and keep your brain active even if you don’t always put it to good use. Being a smartass in the dugout with Kaz when Crockett went yard on Zane doesn’t count.

Just don’t try to throw through the Mudlark catcher’s butt as the one proudly displayed in P1. Man, Zane might be the next Roger Clemons if he pitches through that thang. I have always wondered where T-verse got its art references in relation to people’s gluteus maximi. Sometimes it runs the range from Dadaist art to Late French Romanticism. I guess in character with the Romantic Age, a lot of emotionalism has to be instilled into etching a human’s rear end. We wouldn’t want our readership to go to sleep as a result of Gil’s butt lacking any perspective. The idea of art as any form of the arts (e.g., music, literature) is to maintain the patron’s interest. Washington Crossing the Delaware with a butt that falls flat just won’t conquer Trenton. Pat yourrself on the back, T-verse, for the catcher’s butt in P1 trouncing the Hessians.

“F— you, Rock & Roll is here to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kindly keep your voices down. We have classes in operation.”

“Sorry, Dr. Pearl.”

Yeah, Buddy, we got Chance Macy and Charlie Roh returning on the scene. I wouldn’t be surprised if we sew together Charlie’s dad (stepdad, I’m thinking) into this tapestry of folly where Chet Ballard caught Chance reading in the Pornographic Fiction section at Milford Public Library and decides enough is enough, Abel Brito has competition. That’s right, he will throw his hat in the ring and run for a position on the Library Board and will be at loggerheads with Butthead Brito for the coveted position. And what’s funny is, Vaganova is right. How many cities have library positions on a ballot card? I bet you had to think about that one because there really aren’t any to speak of. I know in my hometown the library appointed people to major library positions. And as Vaganova shrewdly points out, why expect T-verse to let truth get in the way of a stupid plot?

And is it really worth trying to juice things up should Chet Baker be in a jousting match with Butthead the Butt? It’ll get SOMEBODY’S attention, I’m sure, as there are plenty that eat up the dirt in people’s lives but if we have to see Chet Baker again after watching him practically break in Milford Public School Annex to smear Chance, take this plot and shove it. Really, what’s Chet going to do? Try to show that Butthead is really an illegal alien? That he swam the Rio Grande and jumped the fence at Laredo? Sure, Chet Baker, I bet you have footage of the entire incident including passing the border guard at gunpoint. Knock ’em dead in court when you present the evidence before the judge.

And Tom Muench has been Johnny-on-the-Spot for quite some time. Wasn’t he the one that bailed out Mr. NASCAR Guthrie when the latter had his head in the exhaust pipe one too many times? Now he’s driving in half the offspring of the Baker and Butthead team, proving that valuable players do things that don’t always show up in the stat sheet or get dragged down in plot minutiae that is better off on Mrs. Brito’s serving plate. Is Muench going to be the one who fixes the S.S. Minnow so that not even Gilligan can Thorpivize it and the seven castaways FINALLY get off the island? Is he the Ty-Dee Bowl Man who takes a Fantastic Voyage and he and Gregory Peck remove all the blobby turds that got caught in the elbow joint of the pipes so that all of Humanity, or the citizenry of Milford anyhoo, can once again make America safe for Democracy by pooping with a piece of mind? The alternative was pooping in some Commie country’s back yard? Maybe he can help Gil’s golf game. Hit the club head square on the ball, Coach, if you don’t want to slice it again in the concession stand. And renember, drive for show, putt for dough. Quit using a putter’s aid, Coach.

If ya change the camouflage from puke green ta redneck red and 10W40 black so that ya kin throw off tha wildlife and bag more deer before tha bow seazun ends next Friday, ya might be a redneck.

Heyyyyyyyy, and the exploding hands are back although I think Roh took some of the lime green to neutralize the normally darker color in his skin. Ahhhhh, who cares, this is a Polaroid Moment complete with hands that can perform the function of a flash cube. Time to put on the rally caps and watch Milford A) Ride the waves to victory B) Watch another one get salted away in the loss column because of A) Gil’s inept coaching (most likely possibility at this point) B) Gil and Kaz were in a Harry and Steve Reflection over another homer surrendered to the opposition (“Harry, Zane should know that the Tilden batter hits Milford pitching well in early May with that wind blowing out and the plot going south.”) C) Gil and Kaz were in a Harry and Lou Boudreau consternation (“I haven’t seen Zane throw a forkball on a 3-1 count in two years, Harry.”) .

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

But wait, there’s more. We are hoping the picture-taking in P2 leads to something promising. No watching trip over a bucket and tear his ACL and be out for the season. No Gil blowing the game and bailing out to the links before Memorial Day. No Corina giving the Mudlark team a bowlful of brownies and exhorting them that when the going gets tough, the tough make the Playdowns and win the damn thing. That’s right, no more moral victories. The Mudlarks lead by three games in the Valley Conference in that category.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Sha Na Na Turns Away Coach Thorp At An Audition For Upcoming Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t know what the problem is. I wore high top sneakers in the ’50’s when I first blew my whistle.”

I couldn’t think of a worse time for Gil to come out dressed like Jack LaLanne than now. What’s he going to do once Zane (assuming) hands him the ball, make him do 100 pushups, 159 jumping jacks, 123 situps, 115 knuckle pushups, then make Zane drink a protein-enriched tomato shake out of the cooler when Zane gets to the dugout? LaLanne himself died at 96, long saying that death would kill his reputation, tongue-in-cheek naturally. Shoot, he used to swim a river pulling a rowboat full of kids at age 75. Oh, that’s right, Zane, you have to lug the equipment van back to the property, using a chain to do the lugging. It should loop around the front bumper. You can’t drive it back. That won’t put hair on your chest. And for dinner, put an egg in your meat loaf. It’ll tone your muscles. And stand on your head on top of one of Dr. Pearl’s file cabnets. She’ll get around you.

AND THE HUMPY TREES ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this time they’re actually on tree stands on top of the other trees. No better conversation starter than to be spending the entire evening speculating on how the Hell Mother Nature managed to nestle that Christmas tree on top of a redwood. Heck, skip the bridge meeting and discuss how catalpas can make it on their own without a walker on top of a tulip trees. You’ll be entertained and frustrated for hours, a fait d’accomplait even at block parties. And throw in clouds that were last seen on a Moody Blues album when Mike Pinder was still with the group and you’ll have more than the weather to talk about when your dull neighbors drop in unexpectedly. I know when I’m handing Jack, er, Gil the ball and I see a sycamore mating with a sugar maple, I might have to hit the showers after I’ve drunk my wheat germ oil and turnip concoction but at least I witnessed poetry in motion, even if trees really don’t hunch other trees in real life. But again, it’s a good story. Truth can wait.

“And it looks like Gil is going to take a break and do some coaching for a change. Zane is handing Coach Thorp the ball even as I speak. We’ll be back to announce the reliever after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Mommy, why is Daddy pushing the station wagon up the driveway?”

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????????????

Mimi races outside

“Gil, what are you doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh hey, Mimi. I watched Jack LaLanne the other day on WDIG and he said he could push his car in the driveway all the way into the garage at 90 years old. And my sex drive could use a little push in the driveway too. Hey, I’m killing two birds with one stone.”

“Gil, the neighbors are watching!!!!!!!!! And they can see your crack from across the street. All you’re getting is Plumber’s Butt for all your efforts.”

“Mimi, I am tired of being limp as one of these whirlygigs on the grass. Yeah, we both fly for a while then we’re DOA once we hit the bed sheets. Well, I want stand for being any less than a man. And ol’ Jack came up with a great exercise plan. It’s right here in this notebook. After I push the station wagon in the garage, I am gonna lift the riding mower over my head 500 times.”

“Gil, don’t you dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not have my kids trying to do the same thing!!!!!!!!!! It’s dangerous!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, you take a chance when you walk out in the morning and an atomic bomb doesn’t blow you to bits. And I will gladly challenge the odds if it means I can perform under the covers. And if LaLanne can scale the tree in his front yard with a bungee cord at his age, why, Hell’s bells, so can I!!!!!!!”

“Mommy, he said he was going to try yo do the same thing later with the extension cord.”

“He wouldn’t even climb a rose bush if he took the EREC-3500 like I have begged him to do. There would be no need for him to run around the block while chained to a bag of cement.”

“How’d you know I was going to do that tomorrow morning?”

“I read your notebook while you were doing 500 knuckle pushups with the dogs on your back on the verandah.”

“It’s nice when Milford Men’s Clinic comes to the rescue. Mimi handed me the car keys and I drove it in and then I drove it in again, much to Mimi’s delight. And it beats throwing squash in the blender and mixing that with avocados and attempting to make a smoothie out of it. With treatment programs that work, you can do Jack LaLanne one better and exercise your way into the Garden of Delight. Come get your own workout at Milford Men’s Clinic. Your Significant Other will thank you.

Go get your own sneakers, Gang. I’m going to be a part of Sha Na Na even if I have to push a station wagon up a hill with them on. But God bless you anyway, Gang.

5 Comments »

  1. Why does Gil have an “M” on the back of his shirt? Is some local business from Milford sponsoring the team like they do with little league teams? And where is all of this going? So far, these daily strips do nothing but repeat themselves it seems like.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 11, 2021 @ 12:17 pm

  2. Maybe it’s a Roman numeral, so Gil is actually #1000.

    Comment by MopMan — May 11, 2021 @ 3:10 pm

  3. It could be short for Mook. As in , I’m the head Mook. If there was a “c” after it it would be Moon Calf which I believe was coined by WC Fields to refer to an idiot or fool.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 11, 2021 @ 3:43 pm

  4. Fields may have been channeling The Tempest, in which Prospero refers to the baying Caliban as “mooncalf.”

    Comment by vaganova — May 11, 2021 @ 6:21 pm

  5. Great job, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You did me proud like you always do.

    Mopman, that is Comment of the Day. Your well-timed gems are a DEFINITE welcome sight in this neck of the woods. I LMAO, My Friend.

    And Sebastian, thank you for the Like. I will check out your site and learn something. Your encouragement keeps my warped(ha) humor going. You da Man.

    But again, all of you are tops in my book. All of you keep Democracy strong. God bless you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 14, 2021 @ 2:48 pm


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