This Week in Milford

June 1, 2021

We’ve Had To Upchuck Regurgitated Hash.

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:31 pm

Sorry to gross you out but Thorpiverse is playing phony intellectual again.

I loved Howard Cosell as he was a journalist and commentator extraordinaire.His record with minorities was impeccable. Once, some wide receiver caught a pass for a touchdown and Howard exclaimed “That little monkey can run!!!!!!!!” Well, minority groups were upset UNTIL this receiver stepped to the mike later and explained “I know Howard. He was simply excited over my speed.” Only Howard could get out unscathed because he did much for minorities and took the stand for blacks in particular, especially when segregation and Jim Crow laws were still unfortunately a reality.

That said, Howard’s only vice, in my opinion was he could be a phony intellectual when calling the game. Once, he said that Jerry Royster was a catalyst for the Atlanta Braves. Sydney J. Harris, a noted columnist I deeply respected, pointed out “It is clear that after watching two hours of Monday Night Baseball, Howard has no idea what ‘catalyst’ means”. Unfortunately, Harris was right. A catalyst speeds something up but is not a part of the final result (or part of the final reaction in chemistry, where the word essentially originated) . Howard, Jerry may have come off the bench and sparked the Braves with a 3-run homer, but he stayed in the game until the final out. Go back to your Funk & Wagnalls in Marty’s booth.

So when I saw the word ‘uptick’, I’m thinking they’re busting the door down to get in the library. But many times, uptick can mean a small increase. Not too many people lining up at Milford Printing to obtain their library cards. Oh, but let’s humor T-verse and welcome the same into our intelligent conversation. Lord knows, intellectual circles need the likes of T-verse if nothing else than to lighten the mood with the idiocy. I like to see T-verse make a donkey of the situation when ” peregrination is used in the Infield Fly rule when Mudlark Baseball dudes are playing. If T-verse answers “And what about the problems of Turkey and Greece?” with “Set your oven on 350 degrees and keep the meat basted at all times to avoid drying and greasy drumsticks”, just answer “I saw that on The Chopping Block” and shut up.

Because I wondered what farmer would walk his cow on a leash when I was on the interstate and I saw a sign at a rest area that said “Please do not release farm animals from vehicle(s)”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To See Judge Ito Again Later In The Month Over Recent Dispute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Okay, the ostrich broke from the leash. But somebody who was playing paintball in the woods just happened to have a stun gun. No blood, no foul.

Oh. My. Goodness. Damn, in 60 years they have been covering the evidence but today, Mimi is showing more than the team has been showing on the field. She better be careful, the Milford Police could come anytime and slap the cuffs for possession of crack. Just don’t bend over and weed the tomato patch if you don’t want to get afflicted with Plumber’s Butt.

Then what the Hell is Gil doing with that farm implement? Actually, nothing the past couple of days. Par for the course. He’s just as adept at nothingness with a basketnall or a baseball as he is posing for American Gothic. Yeah, they wanted a sexier man holding a pitchfork. You have a lot of room to talk when the topic is lack of focus. Are you literally going to use that peudo-spade shovel as a teaching tool come football season? Gentlemen, football is like Life. Sometimes, you have to dig in the trenches. Just don’t do it literally, Coach. Save the pseudo-shovel for Mimi’s Garden.

At the Milford Country Club

“Life is like that, Gentlemen. Use the right tools and you’ll get the job done faster.”

“Yeah, but Coach, do we have to keep using a hoe for our putting?”

Much of the Library Board convenes?????? Where in the name of Gil’s Grandiose Spade Shovel is EVERYBODY ELSE????? Okay, we can account for Charlie Chan’s great grandson and his wife. They canceled Bridge Night at their house to discuss trends in library card usage. And Mrs. Bored Chunky Bracelet is there to keep that trend at a fever pitch of excitement. There’s nothing more exhilirating than politicizing the lamination of your library card. We don’t want to know your card was mass-produced by some sweatshop in el estado de Durango en el pais de Mejico. Milford Library Board has its standards, y’know.

That’s why I’m scratching my head. You’d think that the 2-3 (presumably) people that are missing in action would have the decency to appreciate how we can’t have buttheads like Butthead coming in and changing the landscape that is Milford Public Library. Running for a spot on the Library Board is a dangerous thing. He might shift the sweatshop to some remote part of Saskatchewan without prior knowledge or approval of the Library Board in general. I wouldn’t want to know some Canadian hoser who’s desperate for a job to feed his 12 children made my library card easier to check out Enid Bagnold. I do indeed have a conscience.

So in the end, I ask you. Where are the MIA’s? If they had to take their kids to soccer practice and/or appear as a juror by order of the Milford Superior Court, well and good. Otherwise, we really can’t afford to allow Caesar Buttheadius to reign supreme over library affairs. Next thing you know, he’ll be sending patrons with overdue notices to the lions. Folks, you better get that Anton Chekhov novel read before the due date, if you know what’s good for you.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon In Hot Water Again For Comments At Milford Pro-Am Bowling Tournament!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that big ape Thorp knows how to pick up the spares when he needs to. Some fans don’t read the situation correctly.”

Then there’s the venue. Now you hoity-toity fans out there, hold your tongue. It is not necessarily The Bucket. There’s too much evidence. Look at Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot Head. With An Attitude And An Appetite. His compratriot, Jelly Fish Face. Now how many people of that ilk frequent a teenage burger joint, let alone indulge in solving the world’s problems over rhubarb pie, again presuming their menu is roughly similar to the palate of Library People out to save Intellectual Affairs from a Nuclear Holocaust? Stick that in your cherries in your cherry pie and smoke it, you hoity-toities. Don’t go raising a stink when there’s no poop on the library cards.

Milford Diner? Don’t even try it. You know Maureen is one smart cookie but is she willing to sacrifice her career as a waitress for the betterment of Library pursuits? The jury at this point is still out. I’m sure she would be willing to clear space for a couple of tables so that the Chan Legacy can have their pie and library autonomy too but until I’m told otherwise, the Library Board are at another eating establishment. Let’s kill the ugly rumors before the Milford Library gets riddled with unnecessary gossip.

I’ll wager Milford IHOP. I bet they have plenty of pies as well as pancakes. I know I would like to talk about Butthead being deposed from further Library Board proposals over a pile of flapjacks.

“Gil, your manipulation of the aggregate sum at inviolable contests compels one to be ameliorated. Please resolve to implement punitive selections to attain Edenic proportions at maximum security factors.”

“Dr. Pearl, if you’re saying I need better crowd control, the guy who threw the beer bottle is in custody.”

Nice to have Gene Simmons’ daughter running the show and showing off her pretentious display at vocabulary. God, I hope she don’t do like Daddy and blatantly stick her tongue out after she just stuck a hefty chunk of blueberry in her mouth. I couldn’t see a Kiss concert where Gene is singing “Firehouse” with a mouthful of apple pie a la mode. Leave the grossing out for Ozzy when he bites off another bat’s head (he said he thought the first bat was a toy, and I believe that-still love your music, Big Guy) . Enjoy your pie-and-politics fellowship, otherwise.

This week is Memorial Day week and I would like to remember three individuals dear to my heart

The first, Leonard Thomas Hardin, my grandfather, was a WWI Veteran who served as a cook in the U. S. Army. Love you, Grandpa.

The second, Gabriel Feltner, Junior, my step-father, was a WWII Veteran who served in the U. S. Navy in the Pacific Theater. A generous GI Bill package was the least we could do for your services and sacrifices. Love you, Big Guy.

The third, John Louis Hill, Senior, my grandfather, who was in an unusual situation as he wanted to enlist but because he was an engineer, the military would not take him as he was considered better suited for engineering related to war preparation. He wound up designing artillery for the cause. Love you, Grandpa.

Please take the time to thank a Veteran. I always take 5 minutes to thank one Veteran every day but do what’s comfortable for you. But please do it.

Lest we forget

“Well, I’d like to upchuck on that uptick. What do you say to THAT, Miss Simmons?”

“Just don’t do it all over the tip.”

And we’ll be back to see who won the Battle for Library Supremacy Debate after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Man, that was one Hell of a debate. Oops, sorry, but my one-profanity-per-panel policy was in effect and I was going to use it. And I mean, I was on the edge of my recliner with my star pitcher threatening an injunction if Butthead were to ever carry out eliminating handicapped spaces to cut down on maintenance costs. I thought I’d seen it all.

But I have my own territorial claims to think about as I, Coach Thorp see Tennessee Pride waging an all-out war on Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And I can’t go to the judge to file a stay on the motion. They are deliberately undercutting us on the price and trying to make sure you as the consumer come crawling to them the next time you want to fire up the grill and fry some sausage burgers. Sure glad they weren’t successful in undercutting French’s Mustard.

Let Jimmy Dean try to sideswipe us to get the best girl at the dance. Our customers know that if you want great Italian sausage mild to throw into your spaghetti at the next Library Board meeting with chocolate mousse for dessert that Gil Thorp Italian Sausage Con Brio hits the spot. We don’t need to charge the price of a gumball out of a machine to say we’re better than George Jones Medium Italian. Let them lay off workers at their processing plant if they think it’ll cut our legs. They might cut their throats in the long run and have to pay for the unemployment checks.

And, get real, Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Nasty Hemorrhoid Sensitive is truly the only thing to take off the shelf at your company picnic in June. Why Tennessee Pride feels the need to embrace a campaign for the ones who love great sausage but still use Pepto-Bismol is a question I leave for the company psychologist at our plant. What are they goibg to do, stage a BOGO for their sausage AND Pepto-Bismol? We welcome the challenge. Come to the company picnic, Tennessee Pride, and bring your appetite and your glove for the company softball game.

What adds insult to injury, Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage says I can’t coach, let alone slaughter a hog. If that isn’t hitting below the belt, I’m an astronaut. Our Gil Thorp Smokehouse Blend is a hit at all graduation parties everywhere. Yeah, Jimmy Dean, I didn’t see too many of your packages after Dr. Pearl handed out the last diploma and it was time to celebrate some good eatin’. When the seniors were eating their Last Supper, there was plenty of Gil the Smokehouse to go along with the fries and pop. They wouldn’t touch your stuff with the fried zucchini no matter how many rebates you offered. I guess this astronaut knows how to handle jerks who lower themselves to the level of a Yorkshire on an Amish farm.

What further proof do you need? You decide if buying fire sale sausage is better than the premium stuff we offer at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. We think you’ll agree, you’ll get your money’s worth by leaving the gumballs to the kids.

You people are too good to me. I ran another trip for my dad yesterday so I was completely wiped out. But your support makes it happen for me and the other TWIM writers who do an excellent job on this site. You make writing this stuff worth it. May God bless you.

“Mimi, you have a chronic case of Plumber’s Butt. I can drive this spade shovel in your shorts and still have room to fit a baseball.”

“At least I’m getting Plumber’s Butt because I’m working.”

13 Comments »

  1. So, pie-hole lady sez “…before anyone complains about that story in the star…”, she gets into an increase in library cards right before she gets ready to devour an entire pie. So fuckin-what? Last I checked, cards were free to any resident. She acts like she’s getting a car salesman-type commission for each card issued. As dumb as this story is, I was reading the latest Rex Morgan MD strips. They are so fuckin stupid, with fuckin ‘Kitty Cop’ and that dumb-ass kid, that I could only stomach a couple days worth of them, so I guess if you want to appreciate GT, PP, Katy, Abel Burrito, and the rest of the gang, read some RMMD first. It really helps.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 1, 2021 @ 1:00 pm

  2. In P1 Mimi appears to be measuring Gil’s crotch against the length of the spade handle.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — June 1, 2021 @ 1:15 pm

  3. Which of these schmos is the captain of the liberry board bowling team?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 1, 2021 @ 1:20 pm

  4. Was anyone else confused with the narration boxes today? “The library board convenes……for pie.” I mean, is there supposed to be some significance in that? Is it a clarification that they are not doing any library business, they just are having a pie meeting?

    Comment by MopMan — June 1, 2021 @ 3:26 pm

  5. The public library is not a private for profit concern but a public service. But if you go from 9000 cardholders to 12,000, it makes it impossible to argue that “no one uses the library,” Katy’s sore-ass father’s whole case.

    Comment by vaganova — June 1, 2021 @ 4:13 pm

  6. I will say Gilbertina has a slender midriff and some decent thighs… Too bad the Tharpes are legally constrained to only discuss their students when they’re home after a long day…

    And standards have slipped at the library board since what’s his name left for Colorado… They at least used to meet in a proper conference room and now evidently they’re at Shoney’s? For the record, my local library board has to meet at the Municipal Complex…

    And can someone tell me how a high school senior who spends more time at the library fingering his girlfriend instead of reading and some unqualified asshole idiot who only wants to slash the library budget by 95% so he can save ten bucks on his state taxes equates to *more* people being interested in getting Library cards? You’d think the fat lady stuffing her piehole and the rest of the board would be scared shitless and drafting a shortlist of friends and colleagues who could at least be halfway competent to apply?

    Comment by Hitorque — June 1, 2021 @ 5:16 pm

  7. Well you missed the subtle point. With the huge publicity generated by the Milford Star front page exclusive about two people applying for the board opening, and all the juicy gossip about how the two dislike each other, it has driven hordes of Milfordites to the library to sign up.

    Comment by MopMan — June 1, 2021 @ 5:20 pm

  8. @mop…apparently this knitting circle of a library board don’t do shit, even less than we originally thought

    Comment by franku2016 — June 1, 2021 @ 5:24 pm

  9. @frank – Yeah, but the prestige and honor of being on the Board is unsurpassed. You know that pie was free of course.

    Comment by MopMan — June 1, 2021 @ 5:42 pm

  10. Again, a library board is not the Supreme Court or the Senate. It is essentially a watchdog group, and its main function is to certify that the taxpayers’ money is being spent the way director says it is. If one of the members makes a strawberry-rhubarb pie and they all want to meet for dessert, I say that’s fine. The public is hardly being harmed.

    Comment by vaganova — June 1, 2021 @ 6:38 pm

  11. From yesterday to today, Mimi’s gardening shorts turned into hot pants and her top into a crop top. I smell fanservice!

    Comment by teenchy — June 1, 2021 @ 8:37 pm

  12. The pie slice is a nod to Bizarro by Wayno & Piraro.

    Slices of fruit pie only retain that tall, stiff posture in the funny papers. In real life they flatten out and all the fruit filling oozes out.

    I wonder if Maureen is listening in to this pie meeting.

    Comment by nedryerson — June 2, 2021 @ 5:53 am

  13. […] Mimi while they were piddling around in the garden, but the only person called out as unfocused was Katy Brito, by Mimi. Gil’s comment to Zane that Zane wasn’t focused in his last outing […]

    Pingback by Zane Isn’t Focused on Some WAP | This Week in Milford — June 5, 2021 @ 8:32 pm


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