This Week in Milford

June 3, 2021

Corina’s A College Talent Or Mimi Has A Softball Bat Growing Out Of Her Head.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:34 pm

And I personally don’t mind this portion of the plot being dragged out a little; face it, a lot of us in TWIM have been or are currently coaches and we have nudged some budding talent (throwing myself into that conversation) to test the waters because you never know. Sometimes it doesn’t work, no problem, we tried. But sometimes it does. Then you have bragging rights.

But mixing this in with The Library Wars is really like pouring sugar in your gas tank. And like your car, we ain’t gonna get this story out of the driveway. It’s silly to watch Mimi make a valiant effort to get Coronavirus to realize her potential when the needle gets needlessly scatched from the classic Miles Davis ” ‘Round About Midnight” and we gotta listen to “The Milford VFW Lodge Band Plays Mills Brothers Standards”. It’s no fun watching Butthead Brito act as if this were a presidential primary and Zane is stumping for delegates so that he can once and for all study in peace. But sheesh, if I have to kiss babies just so I can read National Geographic without Butthead looking over my shoulder, I’d rather play tuba in the VFW band when they’re playing The Mills Brothers’ “Glow Worm”.

And will somebody call Luhm and tell him to remove all those bulbs on the field? Why he’s trying to grow petunias on a softball diamond is a question better left in the category “Inexplicable Custodial Projects” on Jeopardy! but we have practice and the girls can’t get better if one of them trips on a bulb running out a bunt attempt to 1st base.

Well, they can’t be whiffleballs unless Thorpiverse changed sports without calling us ahead of time. Oh, I get it. Change the diameter of the spheroid, throw a few bulbs around home plate, the purpose of which is to get into Corina’s head. Hey, if you wanted to brainwash Coronavirus into the starting catcher position at Milford Community College, you have planted enough evidence around the batter’s boxes to mesmerize Pete Rose into going for the fences, T-verse.

And what is Mimi wearing? And why won’t she see a doctor about her club foot? With all those whiffleballs strewn about, I’d be careful stepping out to the infield to warn your shortstop to put the tailgate down. Warped feet and loose bulbs are just Hell in Teachable Moments. And anyway, Mimi was evidently one of the Atomic People in Beneath The Planet of the Apes. I just hope the apes stay away until after practice. And God, don’t take off your mask, Coach. We’ve seen enough ugliness in Peppermint Patty’s attitude, plus the truth was gory in the movie too. Okay, Milford got nuclear-bombed by a bunch of gorillas several centuries ago and your body got caught in the destruction, Mimi. But we don’t need an encore.

And will somebody also tell Luhm to get that poplar growing perpendicularly out of the oak in the background? It needs pruning again. I’d hate see a softball get caughtvin that mess. Gives new meaning to the term “Going Yard”.

I was a bit intrigued by an apartment that advertised its pet policy. Especially the part where you could only have pets that didn’t weigh over 35 pounds

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Still In Impasse With Milford Luxury Condos And Judge Ito!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I keep telling them, I keep my rhino in the spare bedroom. He has plenty of space. And he’s potty-trained.”

P2 continues with the thrust-and-parry that us coaches have occasionally encountered. The player who really needs to take his or her talents where they will be better-suited to a sports team with the resources to match that talent rather than, say, Tom Cruise winding up in a factory instead of playing college football in “All The Right Moves”. And Corina needs to take a long look at herself because she’s kidding herself if she thinks that her extraordinary abilities should just vegetate at her mom’s abode in Atomic City. What is Corina going to do, sing along with her mother one of those godawful hymns they sang in the movie until the baboons arrive to destroy the Atomic People’s turf? I thought Gil was ugly but, my Lord. Not that I’m expecting those two Bozo quarterbacks to be playing a sax solo on Corina’s street corner like Cruise’s girlfriend did as essentially a precursor that Cruise was going to eventually find his way out of Rockville. You’ll have to sing your own hymns, Corina. Hurry and sign with Milford Community College before the apes take over Milford again.

And I agree with Hitorque, talent or no talent, no coach is going to put up with a player’s mouth like that for too long before the coach clamps down and basically says “There’s the door if you’re not happy”. Gunnar Wyman, legendary high school boys basketball coach at Vincennes High School (Indiana) was the center of controversy because he kicked a couple of talents off the team who had bigger mouths. The city of Vincennes countered with a petition to get him fired. When the dust had settled, Vincennes won the ’81 Title (when it was still in the one-class tournament format) and Wyman kept that list. Justice had been served. A stern lesson why you support the coach, win, lose, or draw.

BLAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Help me, Dr. Gaius, please help me, uggghhhhhh…”

“Help you? Why should I help you? You’re not only like the rest of the humans, Coach Thorp, but you went golfing when Milford got bombed. We’ll have Cornelius coach the baseball team from now on.”

And why do we need to make this the Teachable Moment portion of the strip? Why not just turn it into one absurd debate a la Butthead versus Zane Who Momentarily Got Dumped By Butthead’s Daughter? We can set up a Crossfire atmosphere. Representing the con side is Peppermint Patty and representing the pro side is Coach Mimi Thorp. Heck, the Library Board can meet at Joe’s Pie and Grill as the venue of debate and the Board can serve as the moderator. Whoever loses the debate has to not only comply with the opponent’s desires but has to eat at Butthead’s Place. No slobbery rhubarb pie there. But plenty of food that normally consumed by beavers before mating season and apes before they re-invade Milford or even Ed Asner before he did his scenes on the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I know I better have my ducks in a row in a debate if I don’t want to spend a night at Butthead’s Place consuming borderline members of the 5 food groups. Talk about torture.

If ya is pressured ta join Milford Comm’nity College ta play on thar Slo-Pitch Softball team cuz ya jerk ’em in the stands, even th’ llgal pitches at 15 feet (“6 feet, 12 feet, Blue”) , every time ya come ta the plate on Monday Night Industrial League games, ya might be a redneck.

And we have Coach Mimi struttin’ her stuff again as she claims to have called UCLA, Arizona State, Florida, Oklahoma, Arizona and other College Softball powerhouses to strong-arm Coronavirus into gettin’ the Hell out of Rockville and onto a Division I program next week. Mimi’s striving for importance like the horse chasing the carrot reminds me of a story I may have told before but DEFINITELY deserves a repeat. Jim Master, the standout guard at Kentucky was originally from Fort Wayne, Indiana and when he was in high school was getting offers from schools such as Indiana and Purdue as well as, of course, Kentucky, for his All-America talent. He had an older brother, Randy, who attended Hanover College, a beautiful campus on the Ohio River in southeastern Indiana. It had NAIA status at the time (Hanover is currently Division III) and therefore was out of Master’s league to recruit him. But that didn’t deter the Hanover Men’s Basketball coaching staff from making a valiant attempt (although I highly respect Coach Collier and his superior record) . When they approached Randy about the possibility of Jim playing at Hanover, Randy replied “Sure. In fact, my brother has narrowed down his list to North Carolina, UCLA, Indiana, Kentucky, Purdue, Duke, and Hanover.”

We’ll be waiting anytime for Jim Master to come play for Milford Community College, Mimi. We know you have connections. Keep that pipeline going, I always say.

Thank God, we can always come back to Gene Rayburn to knock some sense into Thorpiverse. It may on life support but if anyone can do it, Gene can. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought ________________ was growing from Mimi’s butt.”

And is any representative from Arizona or UCLA or Florida going to seriously listen to somebody with a whiffleball bat that needs to be surgically removed from her ear? Mimi, Milford Same Day Surgery Clinic can solve your problem pronto and they take all major health insurance plans. How do you get through doorways? I wouldn’t stoop to eat my Bucket Chili Con Carne at a booth. How Coronavirus can take your advice with a straight face is equivalent to how the damn thing got glued to your ear in the first place. Do you hang your Atomic City uniform on it? But (D’OH) I forgot, you have an appointment to keep with the academic counselor from Florida State. No problem, just tell the counselor that it runs in the family. You have no control over genetics, we understand.

After checking over my emails, I received an interesting post stating that Erectile Dysfunction can be treated through an ancient Africa ritual

At the Thorp household in the front yard, the afternoon before Bowling Bonanza Night

BOOGA BOOGA HUNGA HUNGA SHIPPEE SHOOPPEE-

“Mommy, why is Daddy dancing out front in that silly costume?”

“WHAT??????? What are you talking about??”

YUCKEE YOOKEE STINKEE STUNKEE RACKEE RUCKEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, what the HELL are you doing???????????”

“Oh, hey, Mimi. I wanted to feel like a man in bed so I read this article in the Milford Enquirer where the Ashanti tribe from Uganda has been solving sex problems since Hannibal crossed over Mt. Kilimanjaro with his elephants and hippos. They employ this ritual where your manhood elongates 7-8 inches longer so I grabbed some foliage from the hedges, made a grass skirt, memorized their incantation, and have been dancing the day away for two hours. I’ll be harder than a hippo’s hide by supper.”

“That explains the empty Krylon Cherry Red spray cans in the garage.”

“When in Africa, do as the African tribes do. I had to paint my face if I wanted sexual liberation. If I have to spread Glidden all over my visage to get my diving board up and bouncing, so be it. People were falling in the pool needlessly because the diving board failed to live up to its commitment.”

ZICKEE ZOOKEE CRICKEE CRACKEE CRIPPEE CRAPPEE-

“GIL!!!!!!!!!!! Tbe neighbors are watching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take off that ridiculous grass skirt and wash your face and come to your senses!!!!!!!!!

“Shoot, Mrs. Kravitz is in the window performing major pelvic thrusts. I must be getting somewhere.”

“Look, Mommy, Grandma Moses is licking something next door. Why is she doing that?”

“NEVER MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, there would be no need for all this foolishness if you took those EREC-3500 shots like I have pleaded with you to do. One injection in the butt and that same diving board is used in the Olympics.”

YO MOMMA YO MAMMA TOLEDO TOREDO-

Grandma Moses jumps over the hedges

“Mommy, why is she saying she’s gotta have it? Does she want lemonade from my stand?”

“Mimi was right. Taking an injection was safer than getting accosted by a 93-year-old lady who’d been widowed for twenty years. And with affordable treatment plans and competent medical staff, isn’t it time to consult Milford Men’s Clinic for all your sexual obstructions? Come to The Clinic today and get off your diving board and into bed with your own diving board. You’ll be glad you did.

Gang, that is not a tumor growing out of Mimi’s head. They took the oncology tests last week at Milford General. Results were negative. She just didn’t have her Wheaties this morning. But God bless you, Gang.

In Gil’s office

“Has Jim thought about playing for Milford?”

“Sure. But he’s already graduated.”

9 Comments »

  1. Mimi’s going to wedge Corina into a college someplace, and Rubin’s going to drag it out. We may as well make peace with it.

    Comment by Philip — June 3, 2021 @ 3:14 pm

  2. There’s a part of me that’s actually going to miss the wannabe smartass bitch queen when she’s gone… She’s been the muse behind some of my all-time greatest rants this past year, elevating Gil Thorp into my personal Hall of Fame of angry screeds along with:

    Funky Winkerbean/Crankshaft
    Mark Trail
    Luann
    FBOFW
    Rex Morgan/Judge Parker
    Mary Worth
    The Phantom
    9 Chickweed Lane

    Congratulations on your induction, Rubin!!

    Comment by Hitorque — June 3, 2021 @ 3:32 pm

  3. Mimi means well, but she’s a tool. PP sez ‘let’s not’ and the bitch keeps yappin like she didn’t say a word. Either way, this arc is better than the dog turd of a story library arc. Bring back Vic

    Comment by franku2016 — June 3, 2021 @ 4:27 pm

  4. I am a bit curious to know how Peppermint Patty has been able to mouth off to teammates and Gilbertina in three different seasons with zero consequences…

    Comment by Hitorque — June 3, 2021 @ 7:45 pm

  5. How?
    Because she has spunk!
    And nobody wants to get that on them.

    Comment by Downpuppy — June 3, 2021 @ 7:56 pm

  6. Mimi’s dialog today is clearly inspired by Peter Potamus in Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.

    Comment by teenchy — June 3, 2021 @ 8:20 pm

  7. I’m not even waiting for today’s post —

    Peppermint Patty is just a little ho-bag, or in other words it’s a day ending in ‘y’…

    Comment by hitorque — June 4, 2021 @ 1:03 pm

  8. I still don’t get why everyone bends over backwards for PP. So she’s not interested in college….fuckin’ drop it already, Mimi, especially now that you outed yourself with that “hmmm…strong arm” comment. All PP has to do now is not throw down to any base or to just make a half-ass throw. No more clutch hits either, and forget about seeing her run hard down the base path. Let’s see Mimi make lemonade out lemons with that kind of horse-shit attitude and performance. Any scouts in attendance won’t listen to Mimi’s mouth ever again. All she’s doing at this point is arguing with a HS girl and damaging her own reputation.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 4, 2021 @ 1:13 pm

  9. Great discussion, Gang!!!! Thank you for your insights especially on a topic we as coaches have dealt with from time to time. You accomplished a lot today and made this topic that much richer.

    Keep Democracy in action, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 7, 2021 @ 4:32 pm


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