This Week in Milford

June 8, 2021

At Least He’s Honest.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:21 pm


I apologize, Gang, but Zane appeared to be possessed by the demon Pizuzu in P1 and I was taking no chances. There’s presence of mind and then there’s presence of SOMETHING ELSE and I was taking no chances. His floppy hair was a dead giveaway. But give him credit, he’s staying with the task at hand unlike Butthead’s daughter who’s stilled wrapped up in Zane campaigning against Butthead and letting her performance on the field suffer. Gotta leave it back in the locker room, Katy. And if we can have Zane deprogramned by the time the team gets on the bus, I’d say mission accomplished.

And this is typical Gil Thorp theater as the day before you thought the KRAK was going to be another Bobby Thomson Moment (“THE MUDLARKS HAVE WON THE PENNANT!!!!!! THE MUDLARKS HAVE WON THE PENNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but instead there is no joy in Rockville tonight, mighty Casey has lined out and struck out with his girlfriend. But he was focused. Gil can get back on the links with new-found confidence.

Dancing flash mobs are becoming a trend soooooooooo

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Throws Out Back At Flash Mob Scene At Milford Mall While Dancing To ELO’s ‘Mr. Blue Sky’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Will miss entire season in Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football Summer League.”

I am deeply saddened to announce the passing of Bobby “Slick” Leonard. Slick Leonard was truly Indiana Pacer Basketball. He was an excellent tennis and basketball player from the now-defunct Terre Haute Gerstmeyer High School who went on to play basketball at Indiana University under Branch McCracken. He was a quick guard with a decent shooting touch who embodied the Hurryin’ Hoosiers, a fast break system by McCracken designed to wear the other team down. With Leonard leading the charge, Indiana won the 1953 National Championship. He later coached the Indiana Pacers to 3 American Basketball Association Championships (’70, 72, and ’73) before the Pacers eventually merged with the NBA. He went on to do color commentary, primarily with Mark Boyle. His “BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!” after every Pacer 3-pointer rang throughout the State of Indiana. Slick, you did a lot for peoole. You’re in a Better Place.

And fair enough, I’ll swallow that Zane is literally playing like a man possessed and that the cowlick on his pate belies the single-mindedness to the task at hand and I will live with his Belial focus has caused the backstop to bend slightly but yesterday you could see the dugout and today you can see a fence. Something’s gotta give. Either the design engineers found a way to plow the fence in the middle of the dugout or there’s nothing but dugout and that fence in P1 is the border to somebody’s back yard, a border at an acute angle, no less. Kinda how the campaigning between Butthead and Zane is going, too many angles going God knows where. Was this how The Great Wall of China constructed?

If ya gotta give a guy rotgut because it’ll get rid of the demon that’s been livin’ in him since he got laid off at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

Will Thorpiverse make up its mind on what color schemes it’s going to use for uniforms? The other day, it was a green color splashed on some T-shirt you’d buy in mass quantities at K-Mart when it runs its Blue Light Special. Now, it’s a turquoise color some proud small college in Iowa or Ohio proudly displays when the team takes the field in NAIA action. Does Thorpiverse obtain its color designations from Pink Floyd’s “The Piper at the Gates of Dawn”? Is Syd Barrett in charge of the uniform colors in the art room? Shine on, you crazy diamond, as long as the uniforms don’t go crazy along with it. Our eyes are still adjusting to this loud red and black but we’ve been able to keep our eyes because they have been consistently loud. It’s kinda like Peppermint Patty. She’s been a bitch but she’s been consistently bitchy. We don’t like it but nothing is more annoying than inconsistency. Who wants to watch Crabby Bitchy Lucy Van Pelt become Sweet Polly Pure Bread. You’re not fooling Underdog.

And of course, the bulldog PP wanted him to be actually came to fruition but that was only because Gil gave him a gentle size 12 up his butt (Gil could use an ungentle one right about now) because Zane was like Butthead’s daughter, forgetting to leave his attitude behind the bleachers. And then he’s focused when he’s AT BAT but the jury at Milford Superior Court is still out whether that bulldog will come out when he’s pitching. When Gonzalo Aceves shifts from reliever to starter, Zane might have to take a number. Back of the line, bulldog.

In the Milford gymnasium

“Dr. Pearl, you have quite a crowd here. What a flash mob.

“Thanks, Coach. Us oldsters still have it. We’re dancing to our high school senior theme song.”

“Man, how’d you manage to get them out of the wheelchair for ‘Ain’t She Sweet’?”

And wipe that smile off your face, Madison shortstop. What do you think this is, Milford Scrubs versus Valley Modified? And if you’re expecting a Jay’s Subs Footlong Salami and Turkey and Cucumber and Purple Onions and Purple Mushrooms plus a bag of Milford Vending Baked Chips and a drink for your heroics, well, ol’ Butter Knife Knappe pulled that dog and pony show outta town last year. You’re SOL and left with just the game ball.

I’d be lying if I said that’s the first Smiley countenance that has been on display in a Gil Thorp. No way, Jose. Gil wants to talk about focus, then we see more colwn faces than game faces. And it’s even more irritating when the team loses or is losing. Patton was right. I never admired a man who lost and laughed. Thank God, Gil came well after Patton died. I’d hate to see locker room fights





BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA KERPOWIE

“All right, you two comedians, break it up. I have a show to do at the Comedy Club tonight.”

See what happens when you unleash a monster, Thorpiverse?

Oooooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to restore order and without further ado, take the stage, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought the Madison shortstop was smiling because he_________________________________.”

With the bus in the background, you KNOW they’re going home unless they’re at a Stuckey’s and the rest of the team is in the restaurant ordering their greasy burgers and chewy fries.

And remember those Lifesavers commercials from the ’70’s where somebody bummed out over a loss of job/game/promotion/hair/ spot on Gil’s pet list/permission to return to school over table knife issues/teeth/common sense in creating a sports strip/etc. got an arm around his or her shoulder and a Lifesaver? That’s where Lifesave Moment originated from although if somebody gave me one after my grandma got ran over by a Milford & Oakwood Express, a Lifesaver wouldn’t cover the destination. But you know how the Hollywood script goes.

Be that as it may, we have a Lifesaver Moment in P3. Gee, I sucked and had no business coming out for the team when I’d been hitting on nothing but T-ball stands. Oh, there, there, I agree you really should have stuck to library politics but even if you really haven’t shown anything yet, E is for effort and that rhymes with B and that spells Ballpark. Shoot, at Milford, that doesn’t spell trouble. Here’s 76 trombones and a Lifesaver.

THE POWER OF GIL COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Kaz, I am not angry. I just want Coach Thorp to reschedule a game so it does not conflict with the upcoming Principals Conference.”

No, Gang, they aren’t going to IHOP. Pancakes throw off Gil’s golf game. But God bless you anyway.


  1. There’s a lot of stuff that Gil doesn’t ever worry about and Zane is definitely off his worry list now because Gil is planning on cutting or benching him. Gil does worry about shit like players bringin’ butter knives to class, out-of-district kids gettin’ to stay on his teams, and never embarrassing an opposing coach, no matter how much the guy might deserve it, but a guy that can’t pitch or hit and is only good for right field once in awhile is nothing to worry about. That’s why you bench or cut his ass. I guess he could be used as a BP pitcher for practice and pregame warm-ups.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 8, 2021 @ 12:35 pm

  2. Gil’s worry list: Where is my bottle of rotgut.
    That’s about it. Will anybody find where my kids are buried used to be on it. He crossed that worry off years ago.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 8, 2021 @ 1:20 pm

  3. God damn it, Rubin…

    1. At no time have you established that Zane Clarke is even a goddamned position player, much less a decent hitter. So why the hell is the game down to him in a high leverage situation?

    1a. And God Bless You for having the kids use wood (Old-school Ash? Probably not, Maple and Bamboo have become the trendy lumber of choice after that stupid beetle from China ate up all our Ash forests)

    2. If Gilberto was concerned about Zane’s “distractions”, why not pinch-hit for him with the game on the line?

    3. If Peppermint Patty wants to get cute and start spewing some shit about Zane not having a “bulldog mentality” in her smug little postgame critique, she ought to get her ass knocked into the middle of next week.

    3a. And it didn’t escape my notice that Patty, who always has a fucking unsolicited opinion on how every Milford athlete performed after their games, didn’t have shit to say when Kay Brito took the 0-fer and committed two errors…

    4. I’m still not joking — Gilbertina still needs to bench Patty’s ass after that shit she pulled in practice… At the bare minimum, some teammates (some of whom I’m betting would run over their own grandma to get a full ride to world-beating James Madison University or wherever) have to call out her hypocrisy.

    5. And as a longtime Detroit Pistons fan, let me say to Blake Griffin: Go fuck yourself with a cactus and no lube, you faking ass jake…

    Comment by hitorque — June 8, 2021 @ 2:23 pm

  4. Hey, I didn’t think a Bobby Thompson like moment was coming. I predicted a game ending smash. (Although I did say it would be him getting robbed with a diving catch or it being caught at the fence.) Based on P2, it looks more like a soft liner to the shortstop.

    Comment by MopMan — June 8, 2021 @ 5:48 pm

  5. It does look like soft liner. The SS has a smirk on his face that says “I don’t need a glove for this punch n Judy hitter.”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 8, 2021 @ 6:09 pm

  6. It definitely wasn’t KRAK!-worthy.

    Comment by MopMan — June 8, 2021 @ 6:14 pm

  7. Just now noticing that Zane Clark wears uniform number 22. The Thrill he isn’t.

    Today’s post coming directly.

    Comment by teenchy — June 9, 2021 @ 6:10 am

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