This Week in Milford

June 10, 2021

As Long As We Can Boo The Coach.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:36 pm

LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE

Y’all ready for this?

Didn’t think so.

That funky music that plays after the above rallying cry will be in full force tomorrow evidently as Smackdown Library Battle of the Bookworms Debate rears its ugly head. I mean, Butthead is treating this like the Lincoln/Douglas Debates and he has every jot and tittle memorized, in contrast to Zane who is too busy mopping up to stage a valiant repartee. It really doesn’t matter that his close-but-no-cigar focus is stored back in the shed, thusly putting the baseball plot on hold and keeping the softball plot stranded somewhere in Bermuda; nope, Katy will fly a plane out of the same and cheer on Butthead Daddy in his quest to see Milford Public Library be a lean mean fighting machine even if they have to shut down Saturday hours. Let Zane put that in his mop bucket and wipe it. At this point, Zane is a sitting duck for baseball plots getting squeegied and Butthead addressing the crowd at The Scopes Trial.

Speaking of the Lincoln/Douglas Debates, Douglas had stated his position for three hours, from 2:00PM to 5:00PM as each candidate was allowed three hours to explain his agenda. Lincoln, proving why he was one of the shrewdest Presidents we’ve had, saw that the crowd, blistering from the stifling Missippippi River humidity, were in no mood to go another three hours to listen to another candidate so Lincoln suggested that everybody go home, eat supper, get cleaned up and return at 8:00PM where Lincoln would THEN let people know where he stood on the issues. Lincoln won many grateful human beings at the ballot box on that alone.

“And if elected, I promise a Tom Clancy on every shelf and a library card in everybody’s wallet!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Damn, Butthead, it’s hot in here. The air conditiining broke down again and Gil’ blarney is getting stuffy. Folks, I call for a recess so that we can enjoy supper at The Bucket!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I second that.”

“All in favor say ‘Aye’.”

AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Those opposed?”

“Nay.”

“What’s up, Gil?”

“I brought my own lunch. Mimi packed a peanut butter sandwich in my Sponge Bob lunch box.”

Did anybody else notice the peculiar features of Butthead in P1? Looks like somebody is color-blind with the Crayolas again. Who else on the face of the planet has coal black hair on one side and the other side appear as if his wife dumped blue cake frosting on his head? And a matching mustache, must be the latest trend. And all I have to do is hit the Milford A & P and search in the aisle for Betty Crocker or Duncan Hines.

And, no joke, Butthead is treating this as if he was about to debate Honest Abe. Earth to Butthead, this is the library we’re debating, not the American economy. Are you going to pull a Reagan on us? Are you better off in the Western Fiction section than you were 4 years ago? And if elected, I pledge to have kinder, gentler people on staff at the reference desk. Oops, that’s George Bush. Well, he was VP under Reagan, cloae enough. We cannot have the library half slave and half free. It will be one or the other. Slaves must not be confined to the Romance section while the free roam the Travel section. If a slave desires to fheck out a AAA Road Atlas, it should be of his or her own volition. A Louis L’Amour in every pot and a Rand McNally in every garage. Brilliant, Butthead, knock ’em dead.

And i love Novia’s face in P1. You heard the saying “She looks like she hasn’t missed a meal”? Sheesh, her countenance makes her look like she ate the whole file cabinet like the one behind them in one bite.

I went to Flaherty, Kentucky Valero and glad I did. Man, that place was hopping. I got great gas and great goodies at great prices. I ordered the fried chicken dinner with potato wedgies and it was DELICIOUS. They have a wide selection of other dinners so have at it, you won’t be disappointed, not to mention a wide array of pastries. And with all kinds of colas and a fountain for your favorite drinknon the go, man, if you’re in the neighborhood, stop in and come see the friendly staff that is responsible for all this and more. Take Kentucky 313 west out of Elizabethtown, Kentucky until you are just shy of Flaherty and take Kentucky 144 into town and in the center, the store will be on the right.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Riot Control From Milford Police Department Called To Scene At Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Inside sources say Mr. Brito was trying to organize flash mob scene for ‘Hokey-Pokey’.”

P2 is supposedly attempting to illustrate the stark contrast between Matlock the lawyer in P1, i.e., he’s punctilious and meticulous and will have the best case prepared and stands before the judge explaining why we need to eliminate the handicapped parking spaces at the library by half while the opposition doesn’t have time to even read a case brief because he has 1,563 more rooms he has to sweep, damp mop, and buffer at Sal’s Sports, assuming this is his corporate office, given the furniture. Don’t forget to empty the ash trays, Zane. Sal got upset when the container had remnants of Sal’s Tarryton’s cigarettes. Oh, we get it, Thorpiverse. Zane will recite from the notes he wrote down on the dust pan and outpoint Butthead thereby showing that janitorial tools can be beneficial in a debate, you just have to know where to position the chess pieces. Don’t use a buffer pad when you’re banging your fist on the lectern. Did you ever see Patrick Henry shout vehemently “Give me liberty or give me death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” with a dust broom in his hand? Save it for the finale.

If yore running fer office and ya have ta let the cleanin’ solution dissolve in the toilet water before ya can leave ta make the debate at 8:00PM this evening, ya might be a redneck.

Did somebody hock a Budweiser beer canister from Milford Lounge so he could stuff potted plants in it? That couldn’t have been Zane, he’s been memorizing rebuttals off the scrubbers he used to clean the sink. And why is there an airllane flying on Sal’s logo? I guess Sal went global on us. That’s right, some starving kid in China will be consoled to know he has a shiny new fielder’s glove which will bring hours of joy on the sandlots of Shanghai, oblivious to the worker who works the sweatshops of Milford who sewed that glove together. Sal, you should work in the U. S. Embassy. Or join the Peace Corps.

And what the heck is a number doing on a mop bucket? Is everyone who works for Milford Sanitary Engineering, Inc. assigned a personal mop bucket? Put your name on the bucket, Zane. We wouldn’t want to get yours mixed up with the guy mopping Sal’s desktop. And what if you lose yours? Somewhere in the Milford Nature Area, there’s mop bucket that got abandoned because the schmuck gave up janitorial science to pursue a career in real estate. To paraphrase John Mellencamp, I traded my mop bucket for a warner place to sleep. Sometimes we do indeed have to arrange our priorities in their proper setting if we want to work for Sal.

One thing’s for sure. I wouldn’t put my name on that glob of a mop that Zane currently is utilizing. Who wants to clean the floors shiny new with Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum?

And Gene Rayburn is back to clean house on this one. Gene, you have my blessing to clear the air

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Zane would bring his _________________ to the Library Debates.”

What is Thorpiverse’s recent fetish with these Phantom of the Opera visages as in P3? I’m getting Gil Thorp confused with Lon Chaney. And Mimi doesn’t need to be Mary Philbin looking like Lon Chaney. There’s only one Phantom at these Library Debates. WHAT is causing these effects in the first place? Are they standing too close to a heat lamp? Is the sun setting at a certain angle when the cock crows twice after the Milford Court House Tower clock rings six times but before snow geese migrate back to Canada out of Mudlark Lake? I saw the silent movie version of the movie and I remember Philbin down in The Phantom’s digs before she figures out that Gil’s face had been out in the sun too long and she eventually asks

“Are you The Phantom?”

“If I am The Phantom, man’s hatred has made me so. Oh, and Library Debates didn’t help.”

And boo the ref? Okay, Foghorn Leghorn made a funny but this sad pathetic storyline will stay that way, Coach. Your rapier wit would be better served at the Milford Country Club Annual Roast.

“Are you Gil Thorp?”

“If I am Gil, man’s idiocy has made me so.”

“And we’ll be back to see if Heather Burns is rescued from under Milford’s gym where The Phantom had been residing since Tod Andrews bolted for Oakwood after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Milford Mall Food Court open area, where Clapton’s “She’s Waiting” is blaring over the loudspeaker

SHE’S WAIIIIITTTTIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGG

FOR ANOTHER LOVE

SHE’S WAIIIIIIIIITTTTTTIIIINNNNGGGGGGG

FOR ANOTHER LOVE

“Mommy, why is Daddy dancing with all these prople here in the mall?”

Mimi puts down The Talking Heads’ “Remain in Light” at Milford Record Bar and tries desperately to answer Keri’s question

“WHAT?????? Where is he?”

“He’s over there dancing to the Charleston with 500 other people.”

“…someone that she can show into her heart

And she finally finds a stronger love…”

“GIL!!!!!!! What is the meaing of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh hey, Mimi. I want to really strengthen my sexual potential and the best way to do that is dancing with this flash mob. I’ll be dancing the Watusi to Layla after intermission.”

“Mommy, he was really shaking his wee wee when they played ‘Lola’.”

“Gil, you march off this dance right this very second!!!!!!!!! I won’t have people knowing I married a man who monitors his sexual urges and prowess from ‘Love Potion #9’!!!!!!!!!!!”

“We danced to that 15 minutes ago. Shoulaa seen me do an admirable Lindy Hop.”

Gil sings along

“…you’ve been abusin’ her for way too long

Think you’re a king, she’s your pawn…”

SHE’S WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIITTTTIIINNNGGGGGGGGGGG

FOR ANOTHER LOVE

“Mommy, I’m going out there to jerk my wee wee the way Daddy is…”

“DON’T YOU DARE, JAIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, we can head down to Milford Men’s Clinic where they have a sale this week on EREC-3500 Injections. One simple flick of the needle in your butt and you are harder than Mt. Rushmore. You don’t need to flash mob the Polka to ‘Disco Inferno’.”

“Mimi, I promise, by the time we get done flash mob dancing to Glen Campbell’s ‘Galveston’, I’ll be in bed tonight, ready to rock, literally.”

“….lookin’ for another lover

Hopin’ for a time that she’ll find another

Lookin’ for another lover

Hopin’ for a time that she’ll find-SMASSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Damn, I never could dance to that Phil Collins drum solo at the end. Here, here’s a 50. That’ll pay for all the Fish ‘n’ Fries.”

“I marched right down to Milford Men’s Clinic and the sale was still as good as gold. And when I went home, I shot me a wad and I was gettin’ it on with Mimi until the cows came home to indulge in their own sex lives. Plus I didn’t know how to flash mob dance to ‘Afternoon Delight’, so The Clinic was a no-brainer. If you want to have a great time in bed, and I don’t mean breakfast, come to Milford Men’s Clinic and play that funky music with your mate all night long. Only at The Clinic.

I’ll keep saying it. Thank you for being good to me, Gang. Dad called on a last-minute trip so the blog was on hold. I finished as fast as I could. Maybe not as fast as a flash mob, but you get the idea. You all mean the world to me. God bless you all.

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, I hear they are going to flash mob dance to ‘Paranoid’ in the raw.”

“Uhhhhhh, here’s my credit card. And the Good Humor Man just pulled up. Get some ice cream for you and your brother.”

11 Comments »

  1. While Zane mops up DNA from the floor of the strip club, porn stache plots his agenda, not knowin that once he opens his mouth, Zane is all but assured of getting the spot. Boat rockers need not apply, porn stache. And tell your daughter that there’s cameras all over the place in here and we’ve got evidence of her givin out blowjobs to multiple guys on multiple days in the economics section, so don’t make a scene, otherwise we will give Margie Douchey something really good to write about, now beat it, skippy…..

    Comment by franku2016 — June 10, 2021 @ 1:00 pm

  2. By concession stand Gil meant “Where’s the keg?!”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 10, 2021 @ 1:30 pm

  3. Nice suit,Gil. Big and Tall? No, Drunk and Disorderly. You turd!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 10, 2021 @ 1:33 pm

  4. Brilliant exegesis, tdrew. I especially like the inclusion of Lincoln’s prevention of a mass freakout. Now, I ask for a dispensation. Everybody knows I can be a contrarian (witness the fact I still like Corina, having taught many kids who had reason to swim upstream.) The request is that I not be sent to the brig for re-posting an observation about yesterday’s strip:

    I have a terrible feeling that having actually studied the library finances, Babel Grito will decide that the library is well run after all and will come up with a plan to promote its use. Then Coach MdDonald at EIEIO will recruit Corinna, Katy will return to blowing Zane in the nonfiction section, and we will go on to the golf plot while the fishermen and their wives dance in the courtyard.

    Comment by vaganova's cousin — June 10, 2021 @ 1:51 pm

  5. Sorry vaganova, but there is no way Burrito has an about face and does the right thing. He’ll continue to be an ass. Had he shaved off his mustache, maybe that would have happened. But he still has the Milford Evil Guy™ look.

    Comment by MopMan — June 10, 2021 @ 1:56 pm

  6. I know you’re right, MopMan. I’m just trying to find a bridge between this shitshow and some kind of coherent summer plot and as a consequence am grasping at straws.

    I admit that Sra Grito’s affection for her sorehead husband makes me think he will eventually show some redeeming quality. Katy and Zane have no obvious obstacles beyond Sr Grito, and this argues for his calming down, too.

    Comment by vaganova's apologist — June 10, 2021 @ 3:10 pm

  7. Yeah, I can see him “seeing the light” at some point and will stop hating the kid for whatever reason he currently hates him (which has never been explained).

    Comment by MopMan — June 10, 2021 @ 9:26 pm

  8. The closest I can come is that Zane defended the library when Grito slammed it. But he was pretty unwelcoming before that, now that I think of it. I’m afraid we’ve all known soreheads like him. There’s always something wrong and it’s always somebody else’s fault.

    Comment by vaganova — June 11, 2021 @ 8:38 am

  9. @vagnova…even though they haven’t shown him drinking, Brito is exhibiting typical alcoholic behavior

    Comment by franku2016 — June 11, 2021 @ 8:52 am

  10. I hadn’t put that together, franku, but you’re right. That would also help to explain his unfocused resentment, discharged on targets of opportunity.

    Comment by vaganova — June 11, 2021 @ 10:23 am

  11. I just LOVED this discussion today. This is why I keep posting. You all showed why we have Free Speech. The flow was here today, Gang.

    Vaganova, thank you for your praises. They mean a lot to me. I have always been intrigued and fascinated by Mr. Lincoln, given that I lived about an hour from his boyhood home. Your encouragement really helps. And your overall contributions are hilarious and thought-provoking. Keep it coming.

    Mopman, thank you for the Like. You egg on my Andy Kaufman humor(ha). I have continually spread the word about your site, Mopped Up Thorp because it is extremely funny. Thanks again.

    But all of you weighed in with excellent discussion. I died and went to Heaven. Keep Democracy alive, Gang. It’s all we got. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 19, 2021 @ 11:57 am


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