This Week in Milford

July 13, 2021

Not Thorpe!!!! Thorp!!!! The One Without An ‘E’ Or A Clue!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:41 am

I am going to call the painfully obvious. Marjie and presumably her boss are on display today with the biggest pair of Depend Undergarments this side of the Mississippi.You could FIT a Mack truck in them babies. The truck might look silly saddled with the apparel but it represents another bad plot gone awry before it even gets off the ground, so what else is new?

I remember a SNL sketch where these senior citizens are at, say, a bridge function and Grandma Poopieknocker can’t control her bowels and winds up pooping all over the carpet. Darn, says Grandpa Passingas, if she had worn Oops! I Crapped My Pants!, this accident of nature wouldn’t have occurred. Why, Oops! I Crapped My Pants! is more absorbent thsn a Bounty Towel. It can hold somebody’s urine the size of Hoover Dam. No more need to get housebroken like Lassie. The days of Grandma Poopieknocker flooding the bleachers when taking the grandkids to the circus are over. No need for the circus janitor to pick up her mess along with the elephants.

So when I saw Marjie and her boss(?) wearing Oops! I Crapped All Over Milford!, that sketch came into mind. Marjie, if you’re going to feast on useless Bar-B-Q functions at football practice, the least you could do is wear proper attire. I’m tired of smelling dog poop in the next cubicle. We know those little whims of indulgences while you’re playing kissy-face with Coach Thorp at the beginning of the season can be gastronomic adventures but damn, woman, do we have to take a mighty whiff of how adventurous your abdomen was? Good thing your crotch came well-armed today. No 3-alarm fires because you forgot to call Milford Fire Department and ate one Bucket Chili Dog w/ Edam Cheese too many. Keep your pants on, on the inside and out. Both of you.

Because I explore the possibilities when I drive down the freeway and see on a sign NOT AN EXIT-Truck Enforcement Area

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Let Off With Warning After Stand-Off With Milford State Troopers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson from Milford State Police: ”We informed Mr. Thorp that our Truck Detention Area for Speeders was not a picnic facility’.”

Not that we’ve adjusted our TV sets to accommodate The Granny Pants Twins, a few questions come to mind, namely, how can anyone see what’s inside the office with the door CLOSED? Superman in baggy undergarments to accomodate his occasional diarrhea? Well, it might make good copy for Jimmy Olsen to pursue for the Daily Planet but, no, the door is not made out of lead to further complicate this farce-in-the-making. And what are they carrying around? I’ve never felt it necessary to be toting Encyclopedia Brittanica in the hallway, let alone be reading it as if it were The Name of the Rose just an hour before you go lick Gil’s cleats, er, interview Gil. I’m not a journalist but I couldn’t imagine Sydney J. Harris or McNeil/Lehrer with Rand McNally Exhaustive World Atlas tucked in their armpits before they do an exclusive interview with the President of the United States. Mr. President, I’m having a hard time finding Malawi, can you give me a hand for a second?

Joey Bishop, a hilarious comedian and one of the members of Sinatra’s Rat Pack, was once on a quiz show and was asked “What is the one thing that weakens Superman?”

His answer was priceless

“Prune juice.”

Come to Fuel Mart in Austin, Indiana. Man, they have all kinds of goodies, from your favorite chips to snack cakes, tasty wieners and sausages to sandwiches, and lots of candy bars. Oh, and great gas at great prices. They have always treated me fairly and courteously and likewise with ANY customer that walks through their doors. Gang, now why go anywhere else? Take I-65 in Indiana until you get to Exit 34 and once you’re on the exit ramp, head west. You will see the sign on the right.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name. They know mine.

And as the readers mentioned, we are not ready for The Return of Heather: The Wrath of Gil. And what the Hell is she doing at the Milford Star anyway? Careful, Heather, the last person to try to make a name for himself in this kind of business got ran out of town after challenging argubly the top media person in Milford, i.e., Marty Moon (admittedly compared to being the top chair in the violin section in the Florala, Alabama Orchestra) . Do you want to be another Bobby Howry, Heather? Because Snake Oil Moon will be glad to fit the bill.

And the last I checked, you rode off into the sunset and were going to make Kevin Pelwicki another Joe Montana. Not that anybody was holding their breath but when you detoured to Iowa City, we wonder whether Pelwicki got dumped in a body bag while you applied for the Receivers Coach position at University of Iowa. Oh wait a minute, that was before or after Gil wanted you on his staff after you decided to not put anything into soccer and put more time into bossing people around, especially on topics you were unqualified to talk about. But that’s Thorpiverse for you. If Gunnery Sergeant Highway and his men are stuck on Mackinaw Island, Michigan with 10,000 Cubans hiding in the woods, Highway and his 26 men will have them all shot and run off the island even if that’s impossible, let alone wondering how the heck they got from Havana to the Upper Peninsula in the first place. But with T-verse, the devil’s in the details. Just pretend Heather and the Cubans canoed their way on Lake Huron to get there. We’ll sort it out maybe later after smoking our last victory cigars. Oh crap, the Cubans lost though. We’ll sort that out too, one absurd contradiction at a time.

Oops! I Crapped All Over My Office!

“Now I know I laid the box somewhere in my closet. Coach, I have mess to deal with. Do you mind coming back later? I’ll have those referee contracts notarized in a week.”

“Not at all, Dr. Pearl. No rush.”

And we have endured ladies with chunky bracelets, crappy clothes (literally) , chunky books, but Marjie, why did you ask the question if you knew not only that somebody was behind closed doors but knew her last name? That’s like asking who’s that clown in Marty’s office then unclear on who’s the real Bozo. Oh, that’s the one with the goatee and without the makeup. Way to come through, Marjie. Yeah, Marjie, who’s that guy who leads his team to victory and molds young men from lessons learned in athletics? Well, of course, Norman Dale. Did you have someone else in mind? Thorpe? No, Jim Thorpe was the famous athlete. You’ll have to try harder.

And so we are getting a heads-up on another sorry-ass plot that will beset us until football where FOOTBALL will beset us with more besetting things like stupid storylines and people asking the obvious, then answering it. I remember when I took TV Techniques in high school and our teacher instructed us that when interviewing someone, don’t ask the obvious. For example, when interviewing Alice Cooper when he comes to Milford to perform a series of concerts at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater, don’t ask “Do you like it here in Milford?”. Like what is Alice going to say????

“No, I’m just here for the money. I was told to jack the ticket prices higher, they don’t know economics from their butts in the ground anyway. And I hear the coach is a real washout. I wouldn’t have my serpents slither around his neck. That would ruin the show. And he isn’t singing ‘You Drive Me Nervous’. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.”

“Is that Heather Burns in the office with Marty Moon?”

“No, that’s Frank Burns. He and Hot Lips want to do their own show on WDIG and take a break from Hawkeye and Pierce and the surgical procedures in general.”

“Oh, I was just wondering. Are you through eating that burrito?”

Let’s try this one more time

“Is Coach Thorp going to take charge this year?”

“Yes, he will lead the troops into battle and teach them how to win and achieve so that they can get their own verandah and wife and not mooch lemonade off of him. Life’s lessons at a premium.”

It needs work but we have the whole summer.

Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to help restore our sanity in relation to inchoate plots. You got the mike, Gene

” Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Gil was going to take______________ with the football team and run with it.”

Who’s in P3? Gil’s twin brother? We are in for a doozy of a plot. It’s scary when we don’t have a clue what they’re talking and really don’t care to know. All over what we assume to be the alcohol du jour. We have Hendricks so far. But I don’t think Thorpiverse means Jimi Hendrix, even if one of the gentlemen is black. Do we have to play Encyclopedia Brown before the plot ever develops? Answer THAT one, Marjie, if you really can.

God bless you, Gang. Thank you for your readership. It means the world to me.


  1. 1. Oh, for fuck’s sake… After 16 months we get finally get rid of the most obnoxious tomboy in strip history only to replace her with a rerun of a slightly less obnoxious tomboy… I thought Heather’s goal was to be the first female football offensive coordinator or something? Why the hell isn’t Miss Football Genius on Urban Meyer’s assistant staff down in Jacksonville?! This fall, if she isn’t slipping Gilberto some “suggested” edits to his offensive gameplan, I’ll be sorely disappointed…

    2. And what in the name of Christ is so special about Milford that makes everyone want to come back? How about keeping your ass in Iowa City?

    3. I’d have thought a girl playing varsity high school football (at tight end, no less) would have been a story with some wide regional appeal… Yet these two newsbints completely forgot about her four years later??

    Comment by hitorque — July 13, 2021 @ 11:22 am

  2. Yeah. The heather burns story probably won’t be much but I want to see where the guy with ‘the free bowl of soup’ hat and the golf story is going

    Comment by franku2016 — July 13, 2021 @ 2:02 pm

  3. The return of Matt “Hatt” “Rajah” Rogers? We can only hope, at least if the other half of the story is going to be about Heather Burns.

    Comment by billytheskink — July 13, 2021 @ 3:44 pm

  4. That indeed is a judge Smells hat frank.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 13, 2021 @ 4:14 pm

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