This Week in Milford

July 15, 2021

Crawlin’, Crawlin’, Crawlin’, Gilhide!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:16 pm

One night at Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club, The Blues Brothers and Bubbles McCall a/k/a Dr. Pearl performing Sam & Dave’s “I’m a Soul Man”


GO BACK TO OAKWOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



With Mudlar-K-Cola cans and Jack Daniels bottles thrown at them, Plan B is in the works

“What are going to do. My puny body can’t hold them off forever!!!!!”

“Shoulda thought of that when you applied for the job, Pearl.”

“Hey, I know, how about ‘Tea for Two’ or the ‘Captain Kangaroo Theme’?”

“Pearl, you need to get out more.”

“Wait a minute. Band, we’re doing the next one in A. Ready, hit it!!!!!!!!”

Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’


Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

Though Marjie’s book is swollen

Keep this bad plot Rollin’


This snail we have to weather

Pearl is wearing leather

Wishin’ her hubby was by her side

All the things we’re missin’

Good stories, Gil butt-kissin’

Are waiting once we are off of this ride

The Blues Brothers rendition was way too hard to pass up after this sorry bit of mush called a plot has already commenced at a Cream of Wheat pace. And I’m getting senile but Moon and Philip have come in and set the record straight as I knew Heather did more than sit on her ass for the soccer team, then pursue the same course until that play where she blind-sided a Gilhide opponent. That’s what’s sad about Thorpiverse, why let truth or good pacing get in the way of Stinkplot?

We begin with the Milford Star building. Nice Art Deco bit of architectural design with possibilities. Now if someone will, um, er, y’know, tell the building engineer that when you build steps, it’s probably a good idea to erect a doorway at the end of the ascension, otherwise people are going to get confused. Like, where IS the entrance? Do they airlift employees in this shaft at the rooftop? Is there a fallout shelter conduit by the sewers of the building for the newspaper staff to proceed? Hey, I know. There’s a talking window. Maybe it can lead us in the right direction. But wait a minute. We’ve been saying that about Gil for 60 years. Scratch that.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Luxury Condominium Suites To Construct Doorway To Rental Office After Several Complaints!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘About damn time. I got tired of goin’ through the basement to pay my rent.'”

Yes and no, Marjie. Yes, you did talk with Heather Burns when you showed up at the football practice in your Rosa Klebb outfit. I remember your beat-all-odds angle and the attempt thereof. But no, Heather bristled, preferring, somewhat admirably, to defer to the team. Yup, I do believe this stab at Grantland Rice kinda sorta went by the way of Harry Caray’s Bud bottles. At least the latter didn’t stink so bad. But again, truth and this plot are gamboling playfully at the Kentucky Derby track neck-and-neck with each other and by the end of the month should reach the finish line. The camera should still be in operation in case we are forced to determine who won by a nose.

Boy, this plot is getting off on the right foot, don’t you think? Probably wouldn’t be a good idea for Heather Burns to stop by the Milford Girls Soccer coach and ask how things are going. Maybe there might be another HB on the team who half-asses everything and needs to boss everyone around on the football team when the temp coaches aren’t around because Thorpiverse forgot to insert them somewhere during the season. And it’s good to know HB will be there to tell her that if you’re going to half-ass the issue, be it soccer or being Gil’s toady, be it being Kevin Pelwicki’s personal trainer and nanny or as a third-string tight end, do it all the way. Go hard or go home. Or go to New York where Peppermint Patty got exiled.

“Gil, the new gym looks nice but where are the doors?”

“I knew the school was addressing budget concerns but this is ridiculous.”

Move it on

(Clear this out)

Shove it on

(Without a doubt)

Push it on

(In a rout)

Pass it on

(With a shout)


Cut it loose

(Wearing thin)

Wearing thin

(Cut it loose)

Cut it loose

Wearing thin


I am not getting a good feeling about this Dale Parry. After the station manager at WDIG gave Bobby Howry carte blanche to publicly air Coach Thorp’s dirty laundry, I don’t think us TWIMers are prepared to stomach Marjie turning into Ida Tarbell. Marjie does enough muckraking climbing through the vents to approach Gil for an interview. That’s enough dirt for one day. What’s Pushy Parry going to do for an encore?

“I saw Gil and his kids at the Milford Wal-Mart Supercenter without Mimi. There may be a story involved. Check the County Clerk’s office for any recent divorces filed.”

Let’s try another angle

“Your Highness, I did some cross-checking to confirm whether Gil wears dirty underwear. The findings were inconclusive.”

“Damn!!! Did anyone bother to forage through his laundry basket?”

It could happen. Well, let’s dive right back in, shall we?

“How could you get outscooped? This was the story of the year and you were eating Bar-B-Q sandwiches with a bunch of football players!!!!!!!!”

“Most Honorable Master of Milford Star, Marty Moon’s sexual problems came out of nowhere. She didn’t confirm his erectile problems until ths morning.”

“Excuses are for Bobby Howry and look where it got him. It was common knowledge that Marty’s log was a T-Ball bat. I’m assigning you to the Milford Star Cookbook Section.”

One more

“Oh Mighty Pharaoh of Journalism, I couldn’t get a press pass to check her office for sure. But I’m pretty confident that Dr. Pearl pads the issue.”

“HERE!!!!!!!! Take 5 of them but if you have to personally reach down her Playtex to get the headline, do it!!!!!!!!! The subscribers are getting impatient!!!!!!!!”

If yore girlfriend has ta use one of yore timing chain belts ta hold up her boobs, ya might be a redneck.

AND WHAT IS THAT TOME THAT MARJIE IS FLOUTING AROUND THE BUILDING???? Does she go to the water cooler with that albatross in her arm? I hope to goodness that she doesn’t take that to the bathroom. Where’s she going to put it, on the towel dispenser? The hot air blower contraption? She’s in trouble if she ate one Bar-B-Q Cheese Dog too many at Gil’s All-Comers Football Gourmand Jamboree and it doesn’t start to shake and bake until she’s in her cubicle thumbing through that big boy trying to locate info on Gil’s alleged extramarital affairs. Then again, that whole scenario may be poetic justice. Loose butts and loose lips and loose books not only sink ships but they make a mess at the Milford Star women’s rest rooms.

And Marjie, I hate to break this to you but Kevin Pelwicki and Dory Darwin waylaid a New Thayer linebacker who freight-trained Heather when she was trying to catch a pass. Not exactly 3rd-string stuff, if ya know what I mean. I admit she had to start at the bottom but SHE DIDN’T STAY THERE. If you’d read your Big Book of Milford Facts & Figures, you would have come across that part. That’s what you get for sucking up to your boss. He has a nice trim on his beard, I’ll give him that. BTW, what happened to Marjie’s cohort, the fellow carrier of Milford Genealogical Compendium? Better watch your backside, Marjie. As Larry Bird’s high school coach once advised him, if you’re shooting 100 free throws here at the French Lick courts, assume someone in Taswell or Jasper is shooting 101 free throws. Better not let your cohort get to Mimi’s dresser first to see if the family album has any illegitimate family members. If the porch light is on, you’ve been outscooped.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Takes Offense At Latest Ducey Article In Milford Star!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I know she needs a story but those gloves are for when I’m trimming the hedges.”

Oh she sold a fake all right but it wasn’t all on the football field. Yes, the play was a clever ruse which worked to perfection but her manipulation was not confined to the gridiron. She basically flipped off the soccer coach and put NOTHING into the sport, then ran off to football where she started her career as a never-was and fed off of that to boss around dimwits like Pelwicki. Granted, her apercu for plays was more than respectable but she never really paid her dues and I personally, after sweating in practice and games for several weeks, would have resented some girlie-girl who wouldn’t take orders from soccer, football, bocce, volleyball, bobsledding, curling, whiffleball, slaughterball coach telling me that I have an attitude. This is who you’re calling a team player, Pushy Parry.

But maybe Iowa knocked some sense into her and she may wind up one day as an ace reporter just like Marjie. If Marjie can teach her how to negotiate the air ducts in Gil’s office, she won’t have to come into the bathroom window. There’s short cuts in this business, y’know.

“And we’ll return to see if Marjie followed through on her promise to put the book back on the shelf or if Pushy Parry followed through on his threat to tail Corina Karenna’s season as a consequence on another exciting episode of Another World after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“As geriatrics becomes more of a complex process, the older generation needs to take advantage of every opportunity available at their disposal. You snooze, you lose, someone once wisely pointed out. And that includes the process of bathing in the domicile you call home.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and at Milford Bath Magic, they understand the need to stay updated on the latest technological advances that fill our airwaves and imbue our society. That’s why they are proud to announce digital showering to the fine array of bathing products and designs to enhance a senior citizen’s bathing experience.

Many older specimens encounter obstacles when attempting to instigate the faucet handles and the shower switch. Many times, they do fall and can’t get up. There essentially is no reason for an oldster to lay flat on his or her back just because he or she was trying to adjust the shower head from “Spray” to “Massage”. Well, Milford Bath Magic has that covered.

With digital technology, a simple push of the button is all that’s needed to be embraced by the Showers of Paradise. Do you desire a cold shower to wake you up in the morning? Simply press “Iceberg” function and you will be splashed with reality that will keep you awake long after the shuffleboard double-elimination tournament. Perhaps you want your shower directed away from your crotch. A flick of the wrist to “Pectoralis Major Emphasis” is all that is required. You will be utilizing Lifebuoy in the right anatomy totally guilt-free. Then there’s the generation that grew up on singing in the shower. Milford Bath Magic is way ahead of you. With a playlist that is implemented in partnership with Milford Muzak Connection, Inc., you can punch the button to the tune of your selection and you are on your way to a shower experience worthy of the Sirens music that almost caused Odysseus to crash on the rocks. For that matter, I understand one 97-year-old despised taking showers until Milford Bath Magic installed The Police’s “Regatta de Blanc”. Now, she is dancing and bathing and cleaning behind her ears to “The Bed’s Too Big Without You”.

And there were concerns that with all this technology, people still coildn’t get into the tub, many instances compelled to use a stepladder to enter Xanadu. But Milford Bath Magic came to the rescue with a doorway that has been lab-tested and guaranteed to open and shut as desired. When gerbils have trouble entering a shower facility, so does the older generation. Saints be praised, these doors passed the company’s strictest standards, even borrowing a hippopotamus from the Milford Zoo to confirm the deal. The beast was able to shower to its heart’s content with every bit of digital showering technology at its disposal. A hippo in the shower while Milford Muzak was performing Cheap Trick’s “Surrender”, life is like a box of chocolates, only this time you DO indeed know what you’re getting.

There are also cost factor concerns involved but let me reassure you, Milford Bath Magic will never turn a senior citizen out on the streets. Financed parially through the gifts of Milford Aging Society, if a 99-year-old wants to take a shower for a night on the town, that person should be bestowed every given means at that person’s dosposal. Life is too short to be caught up in cancelled bank accounts due to aging limitations. You still need fun in your life.

With all of these wonderful resources at your fingertips, you’d be foolish to turn away a free lunch. And it’s as easy as pressing the “Bleach” function on the keypad. If you want a substitute for Grecian Formula and the inside track on shower technology at a premium, please pay a visit to Milford Bath Magic today. Your shower is waiting, all at your fingertips.”

No, Gang, that book is not Dick Tracy’s Unsolved Cases. I know sometimes he has trouble catching Pruneface or The Mole but he didn’t have THAT much trouble. But God bless you anyway, Gang.

“I don’t care how you do it, eyewitnesses saw Mimi sexually molesting Corina Karenna. They have photos at Milford Senior Center. I want a story on my desk by 8 sharp tomorrow morning.”

“On it, oh Mighty Maven of Jounalism.”

Not movin’

And we’re disapprovin’

Get this plotline movin’


Dont try to understand ’em

Just talk, yak, and brand ’em

Soon Marjie’s goin’ on outside

My head’s calculatin’

Football season is waitin’

Be waitin’ after our gettin’ a ride

Move it on

(Clear it out)

Shove it on…


  1. Whoo hoo, now that’s music! Hoo’s all around, on me!

    Comment by MopMan — July 15, 2021 @ 12:22 pm

  2. A team player? He’s intrigued because she didn’t play a friggin down until the last game for a trick play? Team player. Meaning maybe she’ll work for no money. Cmon Burnsy, be a team player. The Milford Star will go bankrupt if we pay you. Be a team player!
    Overpaid knucklehead.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 15, 2021 @ 12:44 pm

  3. “Team player?!” You mean the girl who was a three-year starter for the soccer team, and when informed by Gilbertina at the season start that she wasn’t guaranteed to keep her spot in the starting 11 for her senior year, Little Miss “Team Player” for the good of her team *didn’t* offer to help train her replacement, she didn’t honorably accept her demotion to the bench, she didn’t do what every Milford player does, which is to offer to change positions, she didn’t promise to step her game up and she didn’t make an oath to get better or go balls-out every play of every practice — SHE FUCKING QUIT THE TEAM ON THE SPOT LIKE AN ENTITLED BRAT… Then she joined the football team mid-season(!) so Gilberto could play her out of position a meaningless game of the season like she was goddamned “RUDY!” at Notre Dame and give a hearty FUCK YOU to all his players who had been busting their asses since July and were desperate for a bit of playing time…

    Oh, and who the fuck cares that she “helped sell a decoy” and what the fuck does that have to do with her writing for a newspaper? First of all, that opposing team was really really bad. Secondly, making a slow, undersized girl with great hands and a decent throwing arm a *blocking TE* (and I am not making this up) instead of a slot WR with a gadget play drawn up allowing her to air it out should have gotten Gilberto fired for coaching negligence. Finally, the fact that homegirl just knew all this shit from four years ago off the top of her head is kinda disturbing…

    Comment by hitorque — July 15, 2021 @ 1:22 pm

  4. Wait, didn’t she play some earlier in the season, until other teams recognized that she wasn’t going to block and it would always be a pass play when she was in? That’s not sitting out the whole season until one trick play at the end.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — July 15, 2021 @ 1:23 pm

  5. Right you are, moon. In her first game (2 November 2016), she is depicted catching an eight yard pass against Goshen, converting a first down. As the season progressed, teams started … well, doing something bad for Milford, ’cause they knew she couldn’t block. In the Valley Tech game, with a few minutes to go, she came onto the field. Milford ran a draw, a play which no Valley Tech player or coach had ever heard of or knew how to handle. And, predictably, Heather eliminated the last possible VT defender with a devastating block (after we established that she couldn’t block).

    Comment by Philip — July 15, 2021 @ 1:35 pm

  6. So is Rubin retconning here about Heather Burns’ playing time or is he establishing that Marjie pays about as much attention during the football games as Gil does.

    Comment by billytheskink — July 15, 2021 @ 2:47 pm

  7. Gil puttin her in play as a varsity TE was as believable as the one-arm guy shooting par on a full golf course three weeks after learning of the game and I agree. “Team player” comment is a stupid as Mimi sayin “ hmmm…. Strong arm…”. Wtf would some random, drawn-in-the-dirt play have to do with actual writing. No one GAFs, you weird bitch ( she knew a little too much about Zane and Katy’s finger bangin too)

    Comment by franku2016 — July 15, 2021 @ 2:53 pm

  8. Yeah, I’d wiped that from my memory… My brain short-circuited on multiple occasions when I saw a 5’7, 105lb girl who CAN’T BLOCK being told to line up as a blocking TE when Gilberto could have done what literally ANY coach worth his clipboard would have done in that situation, which is to just convert one of his fucking linemen to TE… Problem solved. How the hell would Heather Burns even run her pass route when she can get chucked off the line by a DE or OLB every time? How did she not get rattled by all the hits? How did she not get so jumpy that she got a false-start penalty three times a game? What the hell is the point of using Heather when her very presence on the field indicates a pass play?

    Seriously — How would you like to have been the quarterback or halfback for Milford and see your coach put a 100% liability on the line to protect your ass? How did the Mudlarks have *ANY* respect for Gilberto in the locker room after that? How are angry parents not blowing up the phone of the principal to get Gilberto fired?

    Yeah, even by Peppermint Patty standards that entire football season storyline was completely fucked up off the rails… I haven’t even gotten to that athletic, hard-hitting linebacker (Plawecki?) who decided on a whim he wanted to be a QB instead since they get all the girls or whatever yet he spent half the season in practice just learning how to take a fucking snap from center without fumbling… THEN he decided to switch to Fullback (i.e., the offensive skill position with by far the lowest sex appeal among female fans) and he spent the last quarter of the season just learning how to take a handoff without fumbling. It’s not his fault that he has hands made of concrete because he was a FUCKING LINEBACKER AND A PRETTY GOOD ONE AT THAT!!! Then you’d think Gilberto would have done the obvious which was to put the tall, strong, athletic kid who can’t catch for shit but loves to hit people at TE, but noooooooooooooooo!!!

    Oh and by the way, how much hot snatch did dude’s position change earn him in school?! NONE WHATSOEVER! Yet he spent damn near every hour of his free time working out with Heather… You know, the athletic blonde ponytail girlie with the cute face and the filled out sports bra (she wasn’t one of those super-skinny track and field girlies with the mosquito bite titties) and spandex leggings who talks football as well as any best bro and can hold her own in Madden ’16 — And not once did Mr. “Doin’ It All For The Nookie” ask her out…

    Comment by hitorque — July 15, 2021 @ 3:06 pm

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