This Week in Milford

July 20, 2021

Heather Burns Sings No More.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 8:07 am

Any of you old-timers(speaking for myself-ha) who watched Gomer Pyle will perhaps remember the episode where Gomer’s eventual girlfriend, Lou-Ann Poovie, was set up to get married in a fictional town of Turtle Creek but decided against it at the last minute and moves to Los Angeles for perhaps better job opportunities. She lands a job at the Congo Club as a nightclub singer where Gomer, Sergeant Carter, and Duke watch her perform. Her obvious problem is she really can’t carry a tune even if she’s making a valiant effort to that end.

Don’t tell that to Sergeant Carter. Partially motivated by his strong attraction towards her, he convinces her she’s the next Doris Day/Barbra Streisand/Dionne Warwick. He sets up an interview with a disc jockey for her and even better, somehow manages to land a recording session for her at a studio in Hollywood. Gomer is more realistic and tells her the truth, in his words, her voice could stand some improvement. Taken aback by the sting, she kicks Gomer out of her apartment and proceeds with the audition.

The session is predictably a disaster. She sings “That Old Black Magic”, giving her E for effort, and when she’s done, Sergeant Carter is convinced the record executive will have a recording contract waiting in the wings. But when Sergeant Carter walks in the booth, Lou-Ann sees the executive yelling at Sergeant Carter, not having to hear what’s said to read the writing on the wall. She goes back to make up with Gomer and take the job that Gomer offered her, working in a record store.

And isn’t this pretty much Gil and Heather? Sure, Heather, there’s a job for a receivers coach with the Pittsburgh Steelers waiting for you. I read about it in the want ad section in the Milford Star this morning. They even have a $100 sign-on bonus. Major Medical insurance. Hey, all you have to do if you’re on the operating table is kick in 20%. They have 401(k) at that. You’re set for life. And you can use my name for a reference.

PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEWWWWWWWWWWW BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You were great, Heather!!!!!!!!!!! You’re the next James Brown!!!!!!!!! Man, you can funk better than the funkmeister himself!!!!!!!”

“Coach”, can I have a word with you?”

“Oh, that’s Quincy. A recording contract is in the bag.”

Because I was taken aback myself by a milk carton that I read that said “Contains: Milk”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Files Lawsuit With Milford 7-11 After Disputed Incident!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told Cochran that I bought 2% and poured Diet Coke on my Cheerios. That coulda been paint thinner.”

And who are these guys in P1? So far, I am convinced that Carter Hendricks is Gil’s twin separated at birth and I like how Ned pointed out that they are essentially wearing the same attire. Hey, I know, they’re those baddies we saw 2-3 years ago that were trash-talking the Good Guys, i.e., Gil’s flunkies, and were trash-playing while they were trash-talking. They never knew a padded score they didn’t like. Take a drop? Why should I, the ball is in the cup. They have grown older and stupider and bet every hole to maintain their snarly reputation that they had to have outgrown by now but still cling to the way you would expect Thorpiverse to maintain a death grip on a bad plot gone south gone awry just gone gone gone.

And God knows what we’re going to get for the rest of the summer. Everybody drink except the guy who won the hole? By #17, I wouldn’t recommend drinking and driving a golf cart. I wouldn’t be smelling Gil’s, er, Carter’s breath anyway. Here, Carter, tske the whole bottle of Scope. Everybody take off an article of clothing except the guy who won the hole, namely strip golf? Do we really want to see anybody’s crack, including Carter’s? There are women and children present. True, they were beating each other with golf clubs under Gil’s tutelage the other day but they’ e still present. We don’t want them overdosing on crack simply by watching it. The losers have to go with Corina to New York? I’ll be working on my putting the next 24 hours.

EVERYBODY PLAYS THE FOOL

NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

“You were sensational, Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!!!! The Main Ingredient couldn’t have done it any better!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You really mean it, Gil?”

“Shoot, if I can get a bunch of squirrely kids to get it on the green. I can make you a star.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaa, look at the time. I have a meeting at the Milford Elks Club dinner date with my husband. It’s Silent Bingo Night.”

WHAT is on the table while we’re getting adjusted to Gil discussing a recording deal with Lou-Ann? So far as I can see, the nematodes are climbing the iced tea (crossing my fingers that I am correct on the assessment of choice of drinks ) cups, having found a host at the Milford Country Club. And I’m sorry, I am really trying to be nice but I can’t see Sergeant Carter and Miss Poovie talking about her career in singing over a plate of half-eaten Texas toast and salad greens. Or are those green restaurant chips? Wait, maybe that’s a cheeseburger that escaped from MCC snack bar that hasn’t been cooked at proper temperature. Well, it beats a been-in-the-sun-too-long shoe leather, y’know, the ones Yosemite Sam had for dinner on a deserted island until Bugs Bunny came into the picture, triggering YS’s images of stewed rabbit (or Wile E. Coyote and of fried roadrunner, hey, we’re flexible here) . Shazam (while I’m on a Gomer roll) , sauteed shoe leather and tater tots and green cottage cheese, dinner is served. The MCC was even kind enough to leave a mini-spatula on the table.

An FYI here, Gomer Pyle: USMC was a very popular show in its day. The United States Marine Corps loved the show in part because recruiting shot through the roof during the years it aired. Marines themselves loved the show because they said it was Marine life to a T. And they even gave Frank Sutton (Sergeant Carter) an Honorary Sergeant status, a bit of an accomplishment as Sutton, a Columbia graduate and a serious actor, was a solid character actor in the ’50’s and ’60’s. Sadly, the show ended in 1969 prematurely because Jim Nabors point-blank didn’t want to (understandably) get typecast into Gomer and left the show.

This is just plain damn dumb. What is Gil going to do, tell the Pittsburgh Steeler brass (just drawing a random NFL team out of a hat, mind you) that Lou-Ann Poovie has had plenty of experience at playing right tackle and can impart the techniques and plays on the team? Like she can line up the offensive line with a straight face and nobody’s asking any questions.

Now to be fair, my college DOES have a female, Mya Urba, working with the football staff and she does a great job of watching game film, coordinating the defense, getting with coaches on the plays, etc. Somebody has to work through the details and she does an excellent job. She’s not just out there filling space and it won us a conference title. Fair enough.

But Heather never paid her dues like Urba did. Heather went straight from a non-entity in soccer to the Milford Congo Club. Hey, anybody who sat on her duff and never worked to get better can certainly sing “Surrey with a Fringe on Top” and do so to a SRO crowd. Gil, are you serious? Tell me we are not in for Round 2. Puh-leeaaassseeee don’t tell me you are going to insist that Lou-Ann Poovie, after she failed at the Milford Congo Club when she couldn’t even sustain “Mary Had Little Lamb”, can command the respect of Mean Joe Greene and LC Greenwood and the rest of the Steel Curtain. That’s right, Coach, she can teach pass-rush defense even if she can’t sing “Love is a Many-Splendored Thing” and teach all the blitzes. Blitz away, Lou-Ann.

Where is Gomer when you need him? Somebody to come to her house and smack her upside her head and be realistic and not apply for the Dallas Cowboy Defensive Coordinator position and get a real job.

“Lou-Ann, goooollllllyyyy, don’t go and apply for the head coaching job for Milford Football. I know Coach Thorp doesn’t coach any better than Bunny, Sergeant Carter’s girlfriend, but you’re just not ready.”

“Gomer, it just so happens that Dr. Pearl thinks I’m ready. And if the Milford School Board doesn’t vote me in as coach, she has a coaching job ready at Turtle Creek.”

Nope, nope, don’t even go there, Coach. Now you’re stepping on my turf and rest assured, no team from the Big Ten Football ranks is going to have some sniveling snot who should have stayed with soccer IF SHE PUT IN THE TIME to work with its football players. You’ve been slurping one nematode too many as evidenced in P3.

But thank you anyway for your solid support, Gang. It means the world to me.

8 Comments »

  1. Good reference to Gomer Pyle….that about sums it up for Gil & Heather. And what the fuck are those geeks doing in P1? I’ve been playing and watching golf since the 1970’s and I have never seen any golfers do anything like that. Ever. Only Rubin could come up with such nonsense.

    Comment by franku2016 — July 20, 2021 @ 8:37 am

  2. Turtle Creek is a real town! Its right next to the oddly named town of Wilmerding.

    Comment by Ol'Froth — July 20, 2021 @ 9:07 am

  3. The word of the day is gambol. Let’s look it up, shall we? As a verb it means to leap about playfully; frolic.
    As a noun it means a skipping, leaping, or frisking about; a spring, leap, skip or jump, as in frolic or sport. Everyone knows it’s Slinky! It’s Slinky! It’s Slinky! So much fun for a tank town turd!
    It doesn’t like like gamboling to me frank. I define that as douchebaggery.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 20, 2021 @ 9:48 am

  4. …and I doubt that there’s an offensive lineman, at any level, including pee-wee league, on the planet, that is gonna’ take some petite, candy-ass college co-ed serious, about how to play their position, even if she has all the experience of being a decoy player for a couple of plays for Gil Thorp’s vaunted, high-octane offense at that 2nd-place-in-the-valley juggernaut, Milford High School. The only thing that those guys might be thinking when she talks is “I wonder what she looks like naked” or something similar.

    Comment by franku2016 — July 20, 2021 @ 10:00 am

  5. Right frank. I’m sure Heather did a helluva job standing on the 7 man sled blowing the whistle. If they still have 7 man sleds.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 20, 2021 @ 10:10 am

  6. It’s funny only because the Iowa Hawkeyes were in the national news recently for a completely different reason… I’m eager to hear what Heather the journalist has to say about it.

    Comment by hitorque — July 20, 2021 @ 3:30 pm

  7. I’d rather stay with Hendricks’ crew of golf idiots than continue with the mythical story of Heather Burns, the second coming of Pop Warner. (Hitorque cornered the market on colorful, snarky Heather Burns sobriquets the first time around. Maybe we’ll see them again if this keeps up.)

    Comment by nedryerson — July 20, 2021 @ 6:13 pm

  8. You all did wonderful today!!!!!!!!! Y’all make my day with your comments!!!!!!!

    Ned, I fell out of my chair with the Pop Warner comment. That just about sums up this travesty of justice called a plot. You da Man.

    You are my world, Gang. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — July 28, 2021 @ 7:30 pm


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