This Week in Milford

July 21, 2021

Getting Hammered at the MCC? What Else Is New?

“How small of a stipend are we talking about, Mr. Coach Thorp?

“Remember how far I held my fingers apart earlier? That’s how small your stipend will be.”

“Seriously? I thought you were talking about your post-practice shrinkage in the showers.”

“Just for that crack, no hot dog for you. Just a drink per game.”

So between her internship at the Star and her stipend from Gildeaux, Heather’s gonna pay down those student loans. Yeah, sure. Maybe that’s where the “I’d love to have you” part comes in. (Offensive line coach at a Big Ten school? Only if she was coaching them the way Clara Bow was alleged to coach the boys at USC.) But hey, at least she’ll be making more than Steve Boone. Can any of the faithful confirm whether he ever got a raise? Will he quit once he finds out about Heather?

Back to the golf mooks. TIL Vegas is a golf betting game for foursomes that involves combining each of a pair’s scores to get a numerical value; the pair with the lower value for a hole wins money from the pair with the higher value of a certain amount per difference in stroke (see here for an example). It’s just more filler to hammer home the point that gambling’s going on at the MCC, but the fact that Hendricks is still wearing his red polo shirt might lead us to think he’s an MCC employee, in which case his betting would be either doubleplusungood or quickly swept under the turf.

11 Comments »

  1. “No hot dog”, excellent, that is the perfect example of a small stipend in Milford after we saw Vic’s salary.

    Comment by MopMan — July 21, 2021 @ 12:16 pm

  2. and TIL learned about presses, yet another variety of golf betting

    It takes a lot to make golf interesting, I guess

    Comment by nedryerson — July 21, 2021 @ 12:59 pm

  3. Oh, dear… There’s potentially a lot of meat on this bone, isn’t there? With that look on his face, Gilberto is already sizing up the younger and tighter Heather Alonzo Stagg for a wedding dress and tiara so she can become “Gilbertina 2.0”… And Heather is no doubt desperate to find some job security and some shelter from her student loans, so it’s win-win… Then that big oaf Heather used to hang out with (Plawecki I think?) just happens to come back to the ol’ hometown and Gilberto has a replacement for Kazuo and his dumbassed sideburns, too! The we get some new, revamped art, the character hairstyles, clothing and attitudes finally join the 21st century and we’ve got an all-new “Gil Thorp” reboot we can be proud of, right…?

    BUT WAIT! Clearly the outgoing Gilbertina and Kazuo aren’t going to sit idly by as they get forced out in the name of progress, so they team up in an unholy alliance (sexual, but it’s not like they love each other or anything – it’s just something for them to do when they’re not plotting revenge)… Gilbertina knows the well-meaning but dim-witted Kevin Plawecki (who always wanted Heather Gruden for himself but was too dumb and shy to make a move) is the weak link in Milford’s new power triumvirate, she knows that disgraced alcoholic radio shock jock Martinez Luna can be led around by his dick (but Gilberto has even more compromising info about Luna as well) and she knows that Gilberto has gotten reeled in multiple times by MCC’s resident “golf sharks” for big money. These Golf Sharks are also connected to the wiseguys over in the big city, since the mob is planning to tighten their grip on power in Milford now that they got their guy Abel Brito on the all-powerful Library Board, and …. So how will Gilbertina and Kaz utilize this information to thwart Gilberto’s power play and ruin his upcoming marriage to Heather “The Ol’ Ball Coach” Spurrier, and will they succeed against the odds??

    AND WHAT ABOUT the dreaded **Wild Card**? What if I told you that Peppermint Patty never got on that Greyhound Bus to upstate New York, and she’s been lying low just outside of town waiting to leave her permanent indelible mark on the citizens of Milford like some half-assed Harley Quinn? And what if I told you that Heather “The Greek” Snyder, shall we say, “plays for *both* teams” in the bedroom?

    No matter how it plays out, IT’S GOING TO BE GLORIOUS! Cybercrime! Looking cool while walking away from explosions! Titties with puffy nips and areolae the size of dinner plates! Political intrigue! Shootouts on top of skyscrapers! Chase scenes with only the hottest cars! Crazy girlies with perfect faces and thicc bouncy asses and hairy bushes who can make you shoot off in your pants with just a smile! Surgical drone strikes! Godless paganism! Dudes skydiving without a parachute! Black Market Covid-19 cures! Catfights! *AND* Catfights under the sheets, if you get what I’m saying…! Point shaving! Corrupt referees! Cops on the take! Courtroom drama! Fighter jets! Tanks! Attack helicopters! X-Wings! Y-Wings! B-Wings! The Millennium Falcon! Growing new strains of reefer smoke in biology class! Occult rituals! Pizza! Two tractor trailers coming down opposite ends of a two-lane highway in the middle of the night and playing chicken at 80 miles an hour! Peeping toms! Government secrets! The Bucket gets shut down for safety violations! Which character has been stashing millions in illicit cash away in the Cayman Islands? BLACKMAIL! Chemical warfare! Mafia vendettas! Smuggling Haitian immigrants though Milford High as “exchange students”! PsyOps! Instead of a regular bonfire, a TWO-HUNDRED FOOT TALL effigy of Gilberto doing something obscene and unprintable gets set on fire for Labor Day! Gilbertina starts an OnlyFans to make ends meet! Folks get all their personal business outed and shamed on social media! Freemasons! Somebody puts peyote in the Mudlarks’ Gatorade jug for homecoming! Alt realities! The NFL Network Studio comes to Milford for a special feature about Gilberto at the worst possible time! Infiltration by Red Chinese spies! Amphetamines in the teachers’ coffee! Wannabe superhero vigilantes! A fraudulent Catholic priest gets called in to perform an exorcism! UFOs! Extortion! Racketeering! Murder plots! Secret off-the-books trips to Cuba! The 13 people who secretly control the Dow Jones! Action Bronson performs at halftime of Milford’s first game! Tom Brady gets exposed as a total fraud and system quarterback! Mets win the World Series! Brother Hitorque hits the PowerBall on the same day he’s elected to the U.S. Senate! Penguins win the Stanley Cup! PlayStation 5!

    Regardless, I’m geeked, I’m amped, I’m hyped up, I’m ready! Rubin, make it happen…

    Comment by hitorque — July 21, 2021 @ 1:02 pm

  4. “That putt’s good”…my ass it is. If you are playing for $$, you always insist that a big-mouth pud like Hendrix putt every single shot, even if it’s 6” from the hole, just to get under his skin. And, now that Rubin has spent the last week or so showing that yeah, Heather is looking for work, even though she’s the second coming of John Madden with a journalism degree and that Hendricks is a guy who has plenty of time to gamble and run his mouth, can we move this shit along please? If this story went any slower, I’d be walking backwards, not to mention, everyone is running out of Caddyshack references.

    Comment by franku2016 — July 21, 2021 @ 1:17 pm

  5. OK, I’ll take this at face value (yes, I know, dangerous). Assume Heather really did pick up enough football knowledge from her dad, who played at – Monmouth? Did we ever figure out which Monmouth? Anyhow, she managed to talk her way into a student assistant position, probably meaning she did some staggeringly menial tasks for OL coach Tim Polasek. Polasek has been quite successful in three years at Iowa City. Hey, Iowa’s record over the last four years was 33 – 14. Sure does seem as if she could do better than moving back into her parent’s house, enduring Gil’s incapacities, and collecting her pay by rooting through the faculty lounge trash bin for deposit bottles and cans.

    Comment by Philip — July 21, 2021 @ 2:23 pm

  6. @franku2016: Seeing the way my dad (r.i.p.) golfed with his friends, conceding two-foot gimme putts to your opponent is part of the hustle — You give that guy the gimme all day long until you get to 16-17-18 and the stake gets fat and THEN you make that sucker putt and SEE how squeaky his rectum gets… Then if you play another half round the mark will insist on putting out every gimme just to get his stroke loose and see how many unforced errors he makes…

    Granted this won’t work on a hardened golf hustler but against weekend duffers it’s greasy money💰

    Comment by Hitorque — July 21, 2021 @ 2:57 pm

  7. @hitorque…yeah…if you’re kicking someone’s ass, or planning on playing head games later, that’s a good strategy. There was an amateur tournament of high school kids in my state a while back and one kid ‘gave’ a putt to his opponent, however the opponent did not ‘give’ this guy a short putt later and the kid missed, causing him to lose the tournament, so it does matter when you decide to do concede putts.

    Comment by franku2016 — July 21, 2021 @ 3:02 pm

  8. There is an excellent rockabilly song called No More Hot Dogs by Hasil Adkins if anyone would like to cue that up. I’m not privy to such technical undertakings.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 21, 2021 @ 4:18 pm

  9. Jeebus. it’s like Zevon’s Excitable Boy sung by the boy

    Comment by Downpuppy — July 21, 2021 @ 4:35 pm

  10. Thanks downpuppy! Tonage tuneage!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 21, 2021 @ 4:42 pm

  11. […] “Hey Ms. Ducey –I mean ‘Marjie’ – I’m not gunningfor your titleI’m just tryingto earn moneySince Coach ThorpAin’t payin’ bupkis“ […]

    Pingback by What Happened to Janet? | This Week in Milford — July 28, 2021 @ 2:55 pm


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