This Week in Milford

August 31, 2021

I Filp For Coach Throp.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:37 pm

Gang, remember when the great George Brett (Pine Tar Incident) advertised for The Sporting News with a hilarious sales pitch? He has this cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue displayed on the screen and contemptuously stating “Hey, I’m a guy, nobody more than me likes looking at women in bikinis but when I want SPORTS…” He hit home his point.

And sure, I’m a guy also and girlies and women in bikinis or thereof are great to survey but is THIS the trailhead for the next plot? We start football at the Flipstars (assuming this must have been a misprint) car wash and scrub and buffer our way to the end zone? Because I agreed with Brett, much as I like Sports Illustrated and have a high respect for its sportswriting, I slightly lean towards The Sporting News if I want to intensify my sports info. Having to go through the Swimsuit Section to get to Dale Murphy’s stats or the inside dope on Bob Horner’s batting slump can be like eating a banana split to enhance my verticsl leap.

“WOW!!!!!! Where’d you learn to dunk like that?”

“Dairy Queen, Coach.”

But this is typical Thorpiverse. We are exposed to a new character and he is not going through not one but TWO car washes. With football nowhere in sight. Oh, there was mention of volleyball. And I like volleyball too and if we start there, I say go for it. I am a longtime supporter of women’s athletics and lovecto watch them compete. But again, do we have to go through Gil’s yard sale to watch them make kills at the net. I am a huge supporter of my college volleyball team and if I see one of the players with an ironing board she bought from Mimi for a dollar, I’m gonna croak.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Police Brought In After Scuffle At Milford Volleyball Car Wash!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘That’ll teach that jackass to ogle my granddaughter!!!!!!!!!'”

And once again, Thorpiverse has barged in with another band of gypsies we’ve never heard of. Valley Flipstars? Like they were halftime entertainment at Conseco Fieldhouse when the Pacers were playing the Knicks. Watch them Flipstars disco to “Boogie Fever” and get Reggie Miller in on the act. His 3-point shooting will never be the same. And are we talking Valley ALTERNATIVE Flipstars? They were proficient at dancing the Watusi to the Theme From Pee Wee Hermann but couldn’t handle the butter knives legally. Sentenced to a lifetime of staging car washes to stay in school, let alone be on the dance squad. If you’d used that steak knife properly when you were ripping open your baked potato, you wouldn’t be slopping lukewarm water on someone’s Dodge Ram.

From that, I understand what some of the Valley Flipstars are doing in P1. One has a sponge and a bucket so she has either washed a car or is in the process of about to wash one. Then again, she may be shampooing down Gil’s hair after he ran out of Head & Shoulders. Sometimes Gil is tight with the money he earns tutoring brats on the golf course.

But Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is coming clearer into view. Is that one girl going to clean Gil’s car with a fire hydrant? Or Is that 409 Spray? What an all-purpose mechanism. Water the flowers, then go douse Mimi’s SUV. I’ve never Turtle Wax’d Kaz’s jeep with Windex but diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks. Just use a Bounty towel so Kaz’s window doesn’t streak. And is that girl on the far right taking a leak? That would explain why the girl up front is visibly displaying the “Car Wash” sign. Good advertising plus don’t let the customers know that Valley Flipsters take potty breaks. The first time a Flipster is found coming out of a Port-a-Potty, your organization is through. And the girl waving the towel, shoot, she might not be doing nothing more than rallying the troops but she’s not waving a fire hydrant. She didn’t make the Pantheon cut.

And how do you answer Kianna’s question, now that she plays volleyball, goes astray with Spinet knives when she butters her Brown ‘n’ Serve rolls and therefore goes flipping on tour with the Valley Rejects, and washes cars when she’s not asking stupid questions, not necessarily in that order?

“Sorry, Kianna, I was driving this contraption trying to lasso a calf at Milford Rodeo. I forgot they had hosed down the ground.”

Or

“Damn, I didn’t know dragging Gil’s kid’s tricycle out of a mud pit could get the SUV so dirty.”

Or

“Daggone, the neighborhood vandals have struck again. This time they stole dirt out of the landscaping in front of the school.”

Or

“Darn it, you’d think Dr. Pearl would throw her mulch somewhere else.”

If the Valley Flippers have ta use hogback rags and a generous helpin’ of Rust-Oleum ta remove all the dirt off yore 4-wheel drive, ya might be a redneck.

A late-night TV ad that will in all likelihood never come to fruition either on WDIG-TV or otherwise

“Now let me set the record straight. Nobody enjoys this pin-up of Dr. Pearl before she got married more than me. She must have gotten ’em charged when she was a Flapper Girl. But when I want sports, I know The Sporting News is what I turn to, especially after a long hard day of coaching kids on the gridiron or working out tge Officials Assignments for my wife’s 5-game schedule…”

P2 has got to be the precursor for what to expect either in the volleyball plot or football plot. And the adjective “boring” is scaring the Valley Flipster out of me. Yeah, we get it, Tevin, you are part of a family that lives in Penny Lane, has 2.3 children, a 2-car garage, and never gets in trouble. I remember a Phil Donohue segment where there was, believe it or not, a club that was for dull people. Their motto (I’m not kidding) was “Out of it and proud of it”. And you can well imagine how this went for 2 hours. Dull people talking about their lives during that span, hoo boy. It was like watching the Thorp laundry dry on the clothellsline. Which was the point by the nature of the beast. Better have plenty of No-Doz if you planned on soaking in their testimonies. And the Claxton family could very well fit within this description. I wouldn’t be prepared for Tevin to read War and Peace or Gil’s playbook to solidify that reputation.

But as long as THE PLOT is interesting, Tevin can be proud of being out of it and if all we had to put up with is the Claxton family negotiating the next Valley Modified-Milford Food Logistics, I can breathe easier. But believe me, I am not holding my breath. Gil will read the ingredients off the Sloppy Joe can to the football team, Mimi will read the entire Valley Conference Volleyball Rule Book-2021 to her own team, Dr. Pearl will read the Cafeteria Ho Ho and Twinkie Shipping Report-2015 to the students over the intercom, Marty Moon will expound upon his sex life and/or further encounters with Bobby Howry, etc., etc., etc. At least that’s how the nightmare is shaping up anyway. Cancel the Bar-B-Q at the two-a-days and I’ll feel better.

“(Slurp), hey, don’t misunderstand (Thrust Thrust) me, Mimi is lookin’ mighty fine (Howwwwwwlllll) in that 2-piece-“

“Cut. Gil, this is only 30-second spot. Surely you can restrain yourself.”

P2 continues with what you would hope is a feel-good story about an All-American black kid who makes his mark in Suburbia, even if he has to parade the lineage of family wagons to the local car wash for confirmation. But the artwork put that notion to a screeching halt for the moment.

Claxton looks like a teenage Don Ho, taking the vehicles to get cleaned up while crooning “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” or “Rubber Band Man”. I can’t wait to see the sequel. Then is Kianna’s face attached to the rest of her skull? I wouldn’t be pulling a string, if that’s what that line is, to find out. I’d hate to see everything fall out. It’ll take more than sponges and fire hydrants to address the damages. And is that Bigfoot in P1? Pantheon of Mysterious Objects will have a new member by the time they sweep up Kianna’s face. Or maybe that’s Mount Everest in the background. I mean, why would a smudge be appearing at a car wash? I know cars get dirty but I’ve never known them to contract dirty zits. But maybe Sasquatch needed to get his car washed before he disappeared back in the woods. I’d be waving more than a towel if it ever attacked me, that’ for sure.

“I coach high school football and my wife coaches high school volleyball. Then I spend the rest of the year at the Milford Country Club where we teach the kids to putt and be out of it and proud of it.”

“Wow, Gil, that is truly dull. And you say you’ve been out of it for over 60 years?”

“Except for the one time I cussed out Powell College for going behind my back, yes, Mr. Donohue.”

Let me get this straight. Kianna was at the Milford Volleyball car wash, then within the span of two hours flips over to the Valley Alternative Flipsters car wash. Man, you can’t go from Bruce Wayne ro Batman that fast. She slices, she dices, she spikes, she flips, she uses a butter knife to scrape the gritty grime cemented to your hood. She may get suspended but your car will be sparkling clean and ready for the open road. And so are we going to watch the human Ronco Veggie-Matic the next few months as part of this plot development? She can chop up Julienne fries and ram a volleyball down your throat. When she and Peppermint Patty are not out scouting Gil’s football team? I mean, as Heather Burns has proven, we definitely have too many chiefs and not enough Indians so what’s a few more chiefs to bring into the mix? Oops, I forgot, one chief left for New York. My bad.

But one thing I don’t forget is you, the readers. Gang, your support over the years is never taken for granted. I am nothing without you. God bless you all.

8 Comments »

  1. Yep…another swift lead-in to the next story. A two-sport female athlete? A new all-state wide-out who played for Bishop Sycamore last weekend (which is a real of a school as the Milford Mudlarks are, apparently)? A story about football and how Heather will find weaknesses in opponents defenses that can be easily exploited with this Tevin kid, stuff that Gil & Kaz missed? Who knows?….it will probably be three weeks at least before anything happens.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 31, 2021 @ 2:05 pm

  2. Man , that Bishop Sycamore story has been getting a lot of play today! Maybe Rubin can glom onto it this fall and have Gil accept an invitation to play at B.S. and then the team will get lost on the way. They’ll pull over and ask Gil, where are we supposed to be going, like the Blues Brothers band when they ended up at Bob’s Country Bunker, except there won’t be any Bob’s Country Bunker and half the team will get eaten by wolverines.

    How could you get this thing so dirty in two hours?
    That’s what she said!

    Comment by nedryerson — August 31, 2021 @ 3:51 pm

  3. Damn, those are some really top-heavy gymnasts… Must have excellent balance?

    And yes, the Bishop Sycamore scandal is not only the greatest real-life Milfordverse story I’ve ever seen, it has peeled back the layers of just how rotten and corrupt so-called ‘big-time’ high school sports (and the cable networks who broadcast them) have become…(And don’t get me started on why high school games need to be televised in the first place)… The only thing missing is Heather Cronkite and her magic laptop of google searches, and Gilberto pontificating from his ivory tower…

    But seriously — A MOTHERFUCKING ONLINE-ONLY CHARTER SCHOOL?!?! I understand the reasons behind the scam, but what’s the payoff? How much money is there in rounding up a bunch of ragtag JuCo washouts and rec-league flag football All-Stars, dressing them up in obviously used uniforms and equipment that doesn’t even match, giving them the absolute minimum of practice and training and sending them barnstorming around the country to get their asses whupped by elite high school teams? Not only that, but they’re so undermanned that they have to play two-way football? With mostly skill position players and no true linemen?

    I mean, they can’t even say they’re some kind of “last chance” outfit giving high school rejects one last opportunity to get scouted by the Colorado School of Mines or whoever, since by all accounts these dudes are all well into their 20s… Do they love high football that much that they want to keep playing no matter the circumstance? Was this whole thing put together just to expose how utterly fucked up the ideals of high school and college football have become? Were they trying to scam donations? What’s the point here?

    Comment by hitorque — August 31, 2021 @ 4:17 pm

  4. I assume the Flipstars are some gymnastics center that will have some minor importance now, but will mean nothing once the football season starts. This at least explains why two Milford High sports groups are having a carwash on the same day. The Flipstars are not a school team.

    Comment by MopMan — August 31, 2021 @ 4:24 pm

  5. She just loves working at the Car Wash! Sing it with feeling, ya’all. Car washer! Without looking it up I think that’s the band Rose Royce. In the movie Car Wash. With pimp Richard Pryor and taxi driver George Carlin looking for a black blonde. Classic.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 31, 2021 @ 4:46 pm

  6. And the only attractive one is the girl holding the sign. Makes sense I guess

    Comment by franku2016 — August 31, 2021 @ 5:06 pm

  7. I looked up “filpstar” . The hits appeared to be Bollywood pron, which didn’t seem safe to open.

    Comment by Downpuppy — August 31, 2021 @ 7:19 pm

  8. […] like the Claxtons might be more than just “a two-boring-silver-SUV family.” What’s this purple thing with a trunk that Tevin’s dropping his backpack into? […]

    Pingback by T, Boned | This Week in Milford — September 9, 2021 @ 2:31 pm


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