This Week in Milford

September 7, 2021

Let’s Trash Eric Clapton And Get This Plot Started On The Right Foot!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:56 pm

Isn’t that what Heather Cronkite (good one, Hitorque) is virtually saying? Gil, you better be careful this time. You’re not in Kansas or talking to Marjie anymore. These pitch-and-catch sessions with the Nerfball is only setting you up for a media disaster. You were playing with fire when you offered her a for-peanuts assistant coach job the first time and you’re still teetering on the brink with your latest counteroffer. And don’t get the idea that having her do part-time kiddie ball tutoring is going to soften her stance. She’ll develop a quarterback from 3rd grade that’ll be the next Joe Montana, then write a piece in the Milford Star that compares Tevin Claxton with Bill Buckner in Game 6 of the ’86 World Series. Yeah, we missed the winning field goal because Tevin let the pigskin scoot through his legs.

And there are debates centered around feeder league programs. I personally am in favor of them. It gives kids something to do and good coaches who run the feeder program never tolerate abusive fans or parents towards the referees, umpires, and coaches. The kids have to learn the game and this is where he or she starts. But they can only do it when the games are under control. And it teaches the superstar that the nerdy teammate may one day be your mechanic or accountant and it teaches the nerdy teammate that eventually the Dallas Cowboys or the Los Angeles Lakers only send their best out to compete. A win-win for all.

And I don’t have a problem with Heather being one of the movers and shakers in the feeder program if she didn’t have that daggone pad in her hand. I can’t see on one hand her instructing a 4th grader how to throw a spiral while later in the week that 4th grader’s dad is on the front page of the Milford Enquirer getting pulled over by 3 deputy sheriffs on a DUI. Is she going to teach the Milford Elementary kids how to play tight end then go right around and do an expose on a couple of their dads pulling a Jimmy Swaggart at Milford Motel 6? Honest, Heather, I was on my way to my son’s practice. Didn’t you see me zip up my pants? And go ahead, Heather, teach that 5th grader the proper QB stance when he’s in the pocket but wait until after the game to type that article about his dad taking kickbacks on the Mudlark Lake Dam project.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Takes Issue With Reporter Burns Over Recent Article In The Milford Star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I appreciate her plugging my granddaughter’s 3rd grade volleyball team but I didn’t use no gloves on the cashier at the Kwik-ee Mart.”

While Heather is about to do some crucifying (“Clapton Isn’t God!!!!!!!”) , I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the present bench they are sitting on. Yesterday, the bench was surrounded by an extreme verdant concept but today we have two choices 1) The bench is situated in the middle of an asphalt offshoot of the running track that was created overnight by Milford Konkrete. The cement truck couldn’t dump the asphalt fast enough, the concrete team laboring round-the-clock to effect the immediate landscape in its present scheme of things. 2) An overreaching shadow has surrounded the bench and threatens to engulf the stadium before midnight. Good thing, because these intense interviews about high school football players can last for hours. Wrap it up, Burns, before The Blob appears. When you see the goalposts getting devoured, you and Gil probably better head towards the emergency exit.

Then there’s Gil’s pants. Coach, you better hope that Heather isn’t implementing a sartorial angle to her story or you’re in trouble. He uses pinking shears to cut the bottom cuffs whenever the weather gets a little sticky. Well, I reckon that’s one way to kick off the football season. But I am going to cringe if I hear somewhere on the opponent’s sideline during the game some kid (or maybe a coach) shouting “Your mother cuts your Levi’s with an Echo trimmer!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I simply can’t see Gil being in correspondence with Heather after she produced Bart Starr from Pop Warner but also produced the headline “Coach Thorp Uses A Weed Whacker To Trim His Sideburns!!!!!!!!” Better mail-order Dockers that fit this time, Coach.

In Dr. Pearl’s office with Clapton’s “Next Time You See Her” pervading

“Dr. Pearl, which drawer do you want me to place these Stadium Asphalt Reports-1999?”

“That’s all right, Miss Flunky, go to lunch. I’ll file them later after I get off the phone with the school superintendent.”

ILet’s get the obvious out of the way. As the readers have mentioned, Tevin has come out of nowhere so we really wouldn’t have a tail of a notion where he played. We’re guessing, more than likely, the junior varsity but in Thorpiverse, like sports in general, expect the unexpected. He could have been on the Pop Warner practice squad or playing in some sandlot in the barrios of Milford. Tevin is like Lou Gehrig in “Pride of the Yankees”, he gets discovered after he busts somebody’s window. Sounds simple. Tevin throws an unbelievable bomb that the receiver catches for a TD but the receiver’s momentum causes him to crash into the store front window of Milford Pet Shoppe. Puppies and kitties escape all over the neighborhood, a boa constrictor slithers into Tiki Jensen’s Hooverville address, an elephant runs over Milford VFW members marching in a parade, a gorilla runs off to elope with Hadley V. but the goldfish are saved. Lawsuits are settled out of court, the TD receiver gets his arm amputated but Tevin is the starting QB for the reserves after the store proprietor sends a scouting report to Gil.

And the sky’s the limit even if Nature Boy Stanley Lane’s grandson is there to squelch the rally for the moment. First off, why T-verse keeps sending us these part-time USWA wrestlers who do their business at Memphis’ Mid-South Coliseum when they’re not harassing Tevin as in P2 is a question along the lines of “When Jerry Lawler gets crowned by a lawn chair by Lane himself, does it hurt?” Not sure I want to answer either one because I’d get barraged with responses from either side of the coin. Suffice it to say, Boyd Spiller is likely to be our latest heel. At this point, I’d rather have Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart the Manager and his goons show up. I might not like it and he’d harass Lawler or Gil for a while but it’ll end soon and usually he gets his comeuppance. Say Boyd is the Mouth of Milford. Can T-verse guarantee that Gil body slams him by the end of October? Are you honestly holding your breath?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Recommends 5-Star Running Back!!!!!!!! Phenom To Start Friday’s Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He may have smashed the windshield of my T-Bird on short yardage but I can always buy another T-Bird.”

I never thought I’d see the day when Fruit of the Looms would be enshrined in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects but in P2 it’s the most non-mysterious morsel to be inducted. It reminds me of a story, as you Cub fans might appreciate, where back in the ’80’s, a certain contingent of fans were unhappy that some Cub fans were going through the turnstiles with some pretty revealing attire. Asking the readership to bear with me on the details as I am trying to piece together from my memory, some DJ in Chicago picked up on that so he suggested Formal Day at Wrigley Field which I believe management ran with it nicely. Yup, even in the humidity, if you came as a Sharp Dressed Man or Sharp Drssed Woman, you got in free or something to that effect. Well, many in this contingent dressed as nuns while this DJ and some of his buddies wore a tuxedo BUT some Fruit of the Looms on the outer part of his outfit. Still got in free, as I recall.

Boyd Spiller, based upon what I’m seeing in P2 would be a cinch to get through the turnstiles gratis. Heck, with what he’s displaying, he’d be a front-seater. I’ll even throw in free Popcorn and Cracker Jack. Might even help Harry lead the singing of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” at the 7th inning stretch. God, just don’t let Gil perform the same feat. Gil at Wrigley with Hanes over Dockers to march his suit and tie? Mimi in a Flying Nun Special? Spare me.

And Gordon isn’t going to Wrigley anytime soon with his garb but apparently T-verse is attempting the sexpot angle. Milford athletes with Hanes popping out of their Levi’s is so avant-garde. And I might agree if he weren’t standing close to a guy who might wear that Hanes-Over-Levi’s apparel at his high school graduation. Me, I’d rather not the audience pick up on my underwear size when I’m receiving my diploma. But that’s me talking.

Moreover, are those backpacks on the benches there? Or did Andre the Giant leave his swimming flippers in the locker room again? No way anyone would forget his spare tire. It’d be too obvious. And is the other one in the shape of a trapezoid? Don’t put your homework in it.

At the football game Friday night

“Mr. Dr. Pearl, I can’t fathom how you came to this clothing idea. They’ll see those boxer shorts from across the stadium.”

“Relax, Honey, that’s why I brought my umbrella.”

P3 is picking up where we left off in P2. Gordon is chiseled in stone which sets the proper tone in relation to football players. And we’re on a roll until we get to Tevin who bears a striking resemblance to the Cocoa Puffs Bird. As Cab Calloway used to say, he’s a solid bringer-downer. I mean, can you honestly say with a straight face “Cocoa Puffs Bird, are you going to step up your game this year or choke on your own Honey Nut Cheerios?” “Cocoa Puffs Bird, are you going to eat your Wheaties or get diarrhea from Shredded Wheat?” “Remember, Cocoa Puffs Bird, those who can, score TD’s. Those who cannot, spoon through soggy Lucky Charms.”

And while I appreciate Gordon standing up for Tevin, the dude is classy enough to address the question. Pros do it everyday. But I get the feeling we are going to be dealing with another Teddy DeMarco, a/k/a Boyd Spiller. Like, what’s he going to do, stick the opponent’s playbook in Cocoa Puff’s hair and cry foul? That’s a plot bringer-downer. Tell Gil that Cocoa Puffs has sex with Mimi when Gil is leading football practice a la The Last Picture Show. Talk about trashy behavior, to quote Sam the Lion. I am really not looking forward to how Boyd DeMarco can rear his ugly head. I already have a prime example of that in P3.

Gang, you bring me up everyday. Without you, I am nothing. Never forget that.


  1. 1. Rubin couldn’t leave well enough alone, since he evidently had Peppermint Patty reincarnated as a very tall boy this time around because fuck team harmony, amirite?

    2. “… Choke again this year?!” Claxton didn’t even choke last year you ignorant Bart Simpson looking tough guy shitstain! Because, you know, he didn’t play at all last season — And now that I think about it, neither did you!

    2a. Or were these big-ass dudes all playing JV football last year? Milford *does* have JV sports, right? Who even coaches those teams anyways, a Gilberto clone?

    Comment by Hitorque — September 7, 2021 @ 2:11 pm

  2. Yeah, Tevin either choked in a JV game they both played in that had huge stakes (ha ha), or in a different sport, maybe something in the summer? Unless he came from another school (shocker) and it hasn’t been revealed yet that he’s a transfer student.

    Comment by MopMan — September 7, 2021 @ 2:28 pm

  3. And Boyd shoving his crotch in Tevin’s face isn’t helping the situation.

    Comment by MopMan — September 7, 2021 @ 2:29 pm

  4. It’s swirlie time for Spiller. What a turd. Hands down winner of the Team Jackass award. Gil has no control over the locker room. AGAIN!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 7, 2021 @ 4:20 pm

  5. P 2.5: “… yeah sure Spitter…. But not as much as your mom and sister choked on my cock last night…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 7, 2021 @ 5:30 pm

  6. Excellent job, as always, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love readi g your comments. I kick back with a cup of coffee and learn. You are the ones that make it happen.

    I feel safe, knowing Democracy won the day again. God bless yku all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — September 13, 2021 @ 3:41 pm

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