This Week in Milford

September 14, 2021

Mr. Thorp Goes To Harvard.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:10 pm

Teenchy, thank you a million for covering for me last week. If you need me to return the favor, let me know. Your post, as Jive Turkey mentioned, was hilarious. Par for the course. Muchas gracias, My Man.

No student, if he gets offers from schools, EVER gets paged down to the office that I am aware of. I speak from experience as any mail from colleges forwarded to me when I was in high school was sent to me in homeroom. Like Thorpiverse had us believing that Chance was going to get the paddle once he went down there. Oh, I can see that, all right.

Dr. Pearl with the hickory switch, Coach Kaz as a witness

“Mr. Macy, we found another plastic knife in your locker. That is not grounds for expulsion but in the interests of adhering to school policy as outlined in the Milford High School Student Manual and to protect the public interest, if this goes unpunished, it would set a precedent. Now please remove your trousers and bend over, hands gripping your ankles.”

“Grip ’em tighter, Macy.”

“Yes, Coach.”

Or Chance can be like that dude in All The Right Moves, one of Tom Cruise’s teammates, getting handcuffed and dragged down the stairs at Milford High by Gil’s office by the Milford Police, that dude continuously yelling in vain “Help me, Coach!!! Help me, Coach!!!!!!” Oh, DEFINITELY don’t put it past Thorpiverse to think up a stunt like that.

“Mr. Macy, this is Coach Thorp, would you stop by my office?”

A few minutes later

“Chance, sorry to interrupt the food fight but these gentlemen are from the KGB and they have documentation that your real name is Chanzoranova Maskloriiyev. You are being expedited for the holdup at the Circle K Mart in Sankt Petersburg 2 years ago. I already turned in your uniform.”

“No!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!! Outrageous lies!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even handle a water pistol!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Except I found out your grandparents were Ukranian. They jumped the boat at the Deep Purple Cruise Concert in Odessa. I have the pictures in my playbook.”

“Make this easy on yourself, vermin. The sooner we return to the labor camp, the better.”

“No!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not return to the Archipelago!!!!!!!!!!!!! Solzhenitsyn had borscht breath in the bunk below me when he was snoring!!!!!!!!!!!!!…”

Well, do you have any better ideas???? Why else would he interrupt Twinkie Time with his buddies in the cafeteria? What other purposes could the office be calling for?

“Mr. Macy, I apologize for the inconvenience but the Milford Games Commission called and told me to inform you that you won the lottery. Would you like your $23 million shipped as Registered Mail? Or do you prefer a Cashier’s Check? The Brinks truck is stopping by the office this Thursday.”

Gang, remember Candid Camera? They had a too-funny episode where this man in a Pinkerton’s uniform with a clipboard is at the Delaware-Pennsylvania line to stop drivers and say “I’m sorry, the state of Delaware is closed”. He was at Ebright Road, close to Delaware’s highest point BTW, and was able to pull it off in 1963 because it wasn’t as built up as it was than when I drove by the high point (I’m a high point buff) several decades later. People were naturally confused.

They performed this same sketch in the ’80’s (I believe the decade was correct) , only on the Texas-Louisiana border close to Panola, Texas. People were actually TURNING AROUND when the “official” said the state of Texas was closed because there was too many people and they couldn’t return until midnight when people were leaving the state. (Ron Hudspeth, noted Atlanta newspaper columnist, once made the observation that you can fool some of the people most of the time) This official got into a heated argument with a man who lived just down the road, just inside Texas. He was threatening to call the Texas State Police and was going to call his Congressman. Finally, the official said “Before you do, would you look over that way? There’s a camera and you’re on it.” This guy KNEW NOW he was on Candid Camera and about pulled a Gil and hid his face. Anyway

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Files A Grievance Through The Milford City Council!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ruling Expected In Approximately A Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I got Cochran working up a case brief. I always thought the City of Milford was open 24/7.”

Is it just me or does the administration office at Milford High remind me of Mayberry Sheriff’s Office? That venue is about as bare-boned as you’re gonna get. Really, I recall my high school’s office being a lot more intricate than this Simple Simon design. Is Otis the Drunk sleeping in a cell that abuts Dr. Pearl’s office? What’s behind the office staff person in P1? Files of the transcripts of every Mudlark that graced the classrooms? Some schmuck was able to shoehorn all that info in that large-but-still-incapable-of-containing-60-years-of-student-files? Plus the front desk counter looks like something the Milford School Board bought at an auction when some bar and grill was shutting down when the owner retired. Then you have ANOTHER file cabinet of Lord-knows-what off in the corner. What possible records could be out for the general public to dive into? Truancy reports of the last 60 years? Gee, I’m sure John Q. Public is dying to know who dropped out in ’63. Records of all the patrol moms who did morning duty directing traffic? Better watch it, Miss Generic Patrol Mom, John Q. Public might find out that DUI you received in ’82 is still in the manila folder. Sure, students are just dying to dive in and peruse the payroll list from the janitor’s W-2’s.

And whaddup with the seats? In case they need to wait until visiting hours to check on Otis the Drunk? Thank God this staff person remembered to bring a seat herself. Those visitors chairs in P1 can be hard on the butt if you skipped Office Depot on the way to work. And assuming that’s a plaque in P1 on the first file cabinet I mentioned, plaque for WHAT????

“Best Office Upholstery-Milford Home Interiors Monthly”

“Sportsmanship Award-1981-Milford Lanes-Midnight Bowling League-Dr. Pearl”

“A+ Rating-Waste Basket Division-Milford Environmental Protection Agency-2017”

“Most Courteous Staff In The Valley Conference-2015 In Conjunction With Milford Kiwanis Club”

“Honorable Mention-Battle of the Pizza-Devouring Titans-2018-Sponsored By Milford Pizza Hut”

At the Milford city limits

“Sorry, the city of Milford is closed.”

“WHAT???? We have a game with them tonight!!!! You have my cell phone? Let me call Gil.”

“On your clipboard, Tod.”

And where was Gil when he DID hear Chance’s name over the intercom? Surely not engaged in the food fight in the cafeteria. I just can’t see Gil flinging Jello Pudding Pops at Mimi, then cringing when he hears Chance’s name on the loudspeaker. Some scriptwriter’s not doing his job. Don’t expect me to believe that Coach Kaz shoved a tray of jalapeno poppers down Dr. Pearl’s dress while Chance was in his claim to fame. I’m also ruling out the faculty bathroom.

“I was wiping my ass when I heard your name. Did Yale call again?”

Okay, he’s a gym teacher

“I got bonked on the head with a slaughter ball when I heard your name. After I tanned some sophomore with a return volley, I saw where Northwestern sent some literature.”

Where else would he be but probably in his office? And that’s no guarantee he was really doing anything, just being Gil

“Oooooooooeeeeeeeeyyyyyy, that woman’s got balloons on that chest-“

CHANCE MACY TO THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dammit, I told the South Dakota A & T recruiters to call me first!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Or

“Kaz, you know an 8-word answer for Kenya nocturnal animal?”

“How about ‘mule deer’? The Milford Star Crossword has used that 2 times already this week?”

CHANCE MACY, GIT YO’ ASS DOWN TO THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!

“Who’s recruiting him this time, Homey the Clown?”

Okay, try again

Studying the play diagrams and trying to dissect the Delaware Wing-T Offense so that the nose tackle doesn’t sniff a run but still able to keep the cornerbacks at bay and hope to God you catch the middle linebacker scratching his butt while the free safety and the cow jumps over the moon leaving the fullback with room to roam unless he is forced to pitch to the tailback who is a pussy when he sees the nose tackle and runs and end-around forcing the right tackle to engage in double-duty with the defensive tackles while the quarterback is filing his nails and Coach Shaw is cussing out the tight end because he ran the wrong route and wound up with a Slushee because he ran the post-pattern through Albuquerque while the maintenance crew picked up the doggy doo after some stray ran on the field when the play was being executed,

All while Gil is listening to The Who

GOOD BYE SISTER DISCO

WITH YOUR FLASHY TRASH PANTS

Ding Dong Ding Dong

CHANCE MACY TO THE OFFICE PLEASE

“Kaz, would you go see which Junior College offered him a scholarship this time?”

If ya git called down ta tha office cuz ya finally got the paperwork fin-ull-ized on that skol-er-ship offer frum Milford Community College Welding Arts Division, ya might be a redneck.

Why is Chance trying to flap his wings in P2? I fail to see the connection between a flailing stab at imitating Orville Wright and refusal to disclose college recruiting information. Trying to get the science project off the ground at Kitty Hawk and poring over details about playing for Ohio State make for strange bedfellows. But whatever works to interest the readership with literary devices or otherwise.

And I realize Gil is only trying to help and a healthy interest in the affairs on the table is always a welcome trend by players from coaches but Gil appears to be sticking his nose a little too far in the Macy domicile. Look, Gil, it’s like this, don’t go to Chance’s bedroom and inquire if he signed those papers to Ball State yet. I can say with a great degree of confidence that Granny Macy is not going to want you to open the shower curtain and ask Chance if he called the Duke recruiter back. No need to hide in the tent until Chance comes back from his hike on the Macy camping trip. Roasting wieners and flushing out info over Texas A & M’s academic credentials, hey, we can sing around the fire about that one.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Pearl, the city of Milford is closed for repairs.”

“But I need to pick up my husband. He was getting a trim at the barber’s.”

Yes, Gil, Chance is eventually going to have to choose where he’s going but again, it’s essentially none of your damn business and you don’t have to change from Coach Jekyll to Coach Hyde to strong-arm him into making a decision. What are you going to do, pull The Excorcist on him?

“YOUR MOTHER BURNS IN HELL AND WANTS YOU TO ATTEND ORAL ROBERTS UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!”

“THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“AND SHE WANTS IT TO BE A FULL RIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

But Chance has a case of the Round Tuit’s. As in, I’ll get around to it. Chance, I hate to break it to you but REM came up with the popular song “Don’t Go Back to Rockville” for a reason. Like they had worked in a factory as the song mentioned. Don’t be so evasive that next thing you know you end up working 3rd shift at Milford Foundry shoveling off all the sludge. And run into Gil’s inept coaching after you wake up from sleeping all day? Think about it, Chance. Think about it hard. It’s like pushing the Sisyphean boulder on Milford Football practice field while Gil is explaining the Delaware Wing-T. Forever.

“And we’ll be back to see what National Letter-of-Intent that Chance will sign to further advance his football career. All we know is he eliminated Vermont Tech due to tuition concerns. This is Marty Moon and you are listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Getting older many times means you have a tendency to gain weight because your metabolism is slowing down. And one day when I looked in the mirror, I barely fit into the perspective. The scales only confirmed the ugly truth. I weighed 478 pounds. I wondered why nobody called me for dinner dates anymore.

Greetings, this is Dr. Pearl’s granddaughter, Mabel Ruth Pearl, and when I got 4 flat tires from my Volkswagen after indulging diligently in the Pearl Family Reunion, I knew I had to change. Eating 3 to 4 helpings of pork pit plates with more mashed potatoes than the state of Idaho could handle was not only endangering my health but needlessly weighing down my car and engendering costly repairs. And I still had to get a tune-up and an oil change.

Thank Heaven Milford Liposuction Academy came to the rescue. I was assigned a counselor who explained the process from how to financially afford the procedure to how to comport yourself once they put you to sleep. Somebody would thankfully be there once they stuck the tubes on my person.

And Saints be praised, it worked. I lost 134 pounds in a matter of weeks as I kept returning like a good soldier fighting the Battle of the Bulge. Their state-of-the-art technology managed to extract the fat globules from all around my corpular structure with a minimum of distraction. They are able to avoid the veins as they inject the tubes in the skin, two on the forearm, two on the legs, and one in the navel. They were careful not to extract blood along with fat cells and wind up with skinny lifeless clients. Seriously obese individuals had an extra tube placed at the back of their heads but my Body Mass Index was not at Moby Dick Levels as the Liposuction Academy’s BMI chart calls it. I was still in the Dumbo the Elephant range.

And for weeks, while I was in Never Never Land and I was being serenaded with Duke Ellington’s “Mood Indigo”, the evil fat cells were being evicted and I was feeling lighter and better. I could hear the hissing noises from the machine, indicating the fat cells were headed to Perdition. They had to change the tubes periodically and throw the wastes in a Glad bag to be hauled off to the dumpster, but if all they had to do was wait until the Academy janitor made his rounds, so be it. I could use the elevator once again after security forced me to walk up the stairs. Believe me, it was no fun being a human Capacity Limit. And my figure looks better. I no longer have to mail-order bras, especially ones they used for saddles on horses.

Come try Liposuction today. You owe it to yourself to be at your peak performance. With Milford Liposuction Academy, there is no limit to how beautiful you can be. I am now dating, and once he is off his Work Release Program, we can go steady. Get your own date with destiny at Milford Liposuction Academy.

Gang, I still think Chance needs to go to Brown. We need an Ivy Leaguer in this strip. Bring credibilty, that sort of thing. Lord knows we need it. But God bless you anyway.

At Milford city limits

“I’m sorry, the city of Milford is closed today.”

“But I’m Gil Thorp.”

“Like I said.”

13 Comments »

  1. Looks like Chance is buying the NFL propaganda that football is a gay in P2. What a swinging guy! Hey Gil, on the letter it should say on the envelope what school said letter hails from. You’re a nosy little prick, I know you looked. You turd! Quite a stern look you got there. He must be out of rotgut.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 14, 2021 @ 3:36 pm

  2. JT…yes, Gil is a little busy-body bitch, just like his wife was when PP didn’t want her meddling in her life. Chance should just give him the Robbie Benson line from the movie One-on-One when he told his coach “…up yours with a red hot poker, coach…I can play anywhere I want…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 14, 2021 @ 3:44 pm

  3. Yep frank. Gil should just plant a butter knife in Chance’s locker, do an illegal search, have him expelled, come to the rescue with a scholly from Suck Wad State.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 14, 2021 @ 3:48 pm

  4. Yeah, paging students to the office because they received mail seems ludicrous.

    Comment by MopMan — September 14, 2021 @ 4:31 pm

  5. 1. I thought correspondence from college recruiters were mailed to the athlete’s house? At least that’s how they used to do it… And why would the office page him just to pick up a letter?

    2. Jog my memory, because I’m willing to bet Chance didn’t play a down of football a year ago… And is Chance the shifter kart champion who drove the ’66 Tri-Power GTO?

    3. Sorry Rubin, but in case you forgot you’ve already centered an entire school year of storylines around a wannabe smug smartassed blond-hair athlete who’s too cool to accept a free ride through college.

    3a. I don’t get it… For all the bitching and moaning I see from the kids on Twitter these days about student loans, you’d think Mudlark star athletes would run over their own grandma to not worry about tuition costs…

    Comment by Hitorque — September 14, 2021 @ 7:25 pm

  6. Hitorque – Chance most definitely played, he was the lead running back. As he also was in 2019, when he went “blowtop mad” after a cheap late hit against him. And Charlie Ruh Roh’s dad was pulling all kind of shenanigans to get the kid kicked off the team, based on his acting out when he was in elementary school.

    Comment by MopMan — September 14, 2021 @ 7:33 pm

  7. Right Mopman. I didn’t remember all those details other than Gil thinks the Delaware Shmuck on Wheels is perfectly tailored for Chance. I’m sure all the colleges recruiting him will dissect Gil’s dumb ass offense and install it.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 14, 2021 @ 7:42 pm

  8. Okay I remember Macy now…

    And is he really the star RB of the Mudlarks? I thought the whole purpose behind Gilberto’s famed “Delaware-T” was that it’s a versatile, multi-back system?

    Comment by Hitorque — September 14, 2021 @ 11:08 pm

  9. In 39 years in a high school, I never saw a kid paged to the office to pick up a letter from a sports recruiter. They were sent to the kid’s home address, or in care of the coach for hand delivery. Colleges scratching for applicants often sent letters to kids at school, but those letters were simply delivered in homeroom. Schools try to minimize PA interruptions, and if they paged kids for such reasons the PA would be going all day long. Rubin often depicts schools as he imagines they are rather than what they really are. This has sometimes led to howling blunders, such as Dr Pearl enthusiastically supporting that absurd “reality show” a few years ago.

    Comment by vaganova — September 15, 2021 @ 7:36 am

  10. Great, another “star athlete reluctant to receive attention from colleges”. Didn’t we do this with Trey Davis AND True Standish? Well, at least Chance’s name doesn’t start with a T… which rhymes with B, and that stands for “bored”.

    Comment by billytheskink — September 15, 2021 @ 7:45 am

  11. @billy….not only did he do it with Trey and True, but he did it back in the spring with Mimi and Peppermint Patty…enough already, Rubin….

    Comment by franku2016 — September 15, 2021 @ 9:25 am

  12. P 4: “…so why don’t you make like a tree and get the fuck outta’ here, coach…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 15, 2021 @ 11:54 am

  13. Hitorque- Doug Guthrie was the race car driver.

    Comment by robmize2013 — September 15, 2021 @ 2:46 pm


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