This Week in Milford

September 21, 2021

Calling Games From The Port-A-Pot, A New Concept In WDIG Broadcasting.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:51 pm

I mean, seriously, why ELSE would Marty Moon be standing? That must have been one heckuva taco salad and queso dip he ordered at the concession stand before the game. The innards started kicking in right about when the Delaware Wing T was doing the same and his intestines were getting just as excited as the crowd. Well, he couldn’t miss the action but he couldn’t hold off Mother Nature forever, hence the denouement in P1. Taking a dump and Chance streaking down the sideline, I’m tellin’ ya, Marty is the luckiest man alive.

Us old-timers are still waiting for Marty to lay into Coach Thorp’s (remember “Coach T.”?) Delaware T schemes, calling it, say, Underwear T schemes, and our getting a big laugh out of Moon’s incessant second-guessing of anything Gil does. Getting the water bottles filled with water? Coach T., why didn’t you fill them with Gatorade? The tailback ran out of gas at the 1-yard line and a healthy dose of Wild Cherry ‘rade would have completed the deal and the score. Patting the defensive tackle on the fanny because he missed a sack on the quarterback? Coach T., patting him on the head will keep you from being hit with sexual harassment charges. You want to face Chet Ballard after you swiped Charlie Roh on the tush? At a school board meeting after you got Marjie “A Sniveling Snot Took My Job?” Ducie to whip everybody in a frenzy after Chet raided the Milford High School files? Nope, better pet him like Dino, Fred. Letting two quarterbacks essentially create an unnecessary quarterback-by-committee that spilled over into volleyball matches? Coach T., you need a tighter rein on things or you’re going to see Bastille Day being staged right in front of The Diner. Two guys who let their wee wee dictate their relationship with somebody who got exiled out of town by her mother, not the kind of stuff you desire if you want to start La Revolucion or coach a football team. Vive Le Milford.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Upset Over Remarks By Dickie V. At Milford Adult Flag Football League Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He can say Trifecter all he wants but I scored 4 touchdowns. Do the math.”

The artwork continues to impress. I can make out a couple of humans kibbutzing the match while Marty is in labor from that Bucket Triple Decker he devoured shortly before kickoff but is that a conehead in the stands? Does he have somebody on the team? I pity his kid if he has to shoehorn a helmet on his skull. They might have to employ a crowbar. And I love the blank face accompanying ol’ Conehead. I love watching some Mudlark fanatic cheering his or her fool head off when the visage is a dead blank. Like the artist used a gum eraser and went for a coffee break and forgot to fill in the details when he added Coffee Mate. I couldn’t even imagine Gil on the sideline with that Mt. Everest of a hairdo and the face resembling the snow on your TV screen. If Blank Face Fan has a “Kick The Shit Out Of Oakwood” or “Gil, The Delaware Wing T Sucks” or “Only Wussies In 3rd Grade Football At A Sandlot Somewhere Use The Delaware Wing T”, we’ll know he’s cheering for Milford.

Who’s the other Blank Face by the sidelines who is standing by what appears to be no barrier separating the football field from blank coneheads, this particular Blank Face also indulging in a healthy helping of picking his butt? Any takers?

And would somebody send another roll of toilet paper up to Marty? He seems to be struggling with depositing those Bucket Fries.

If ya use pin oak leaves to wipe yore be-hind cuz the outhouse janitor neglected ta fill th’ tawlet paper dispenser agin, ya might be a redneck.

Then we are introduced to another personality who belongs in the Port-a-Pot whether she has to go to the potty or not. And Dickie V. she is not. More like Hadley V. who is moonlighting as a crack reporter. Is she going to call Boyd Spiller a Diaper Dandy? He needs diapers but he is far from being a dandy as his failed attempt at Transcendental Meditation at the bonfire can attest. And God, Heather V., I’m gonna retch if you call Milford Mudlarks a Rolls Royce program. With Coach T. at the helm? I’ll settle for Volkswagen Jetta. Is Tevin Claxton on your All-Windex team? Heather V., how do you rebound a football? Yup, Charlie Roh cleans the glass with that run up the middle and leaves the goal posts shiny by the time he spikes the football in the end zone. There’s devil in the details but who cares, he scored. Rolls Royce reporting, Heather V.

And is that really Heather V. anyway? We wouldn’t know, the same artist who draws fans who scratch pimples in their butts has also cut Heather V.’s face in two. As if she was as bald as Dickie V. and just didn’t want to come clean. Sure, Mr. Artist, puh-leeassse don’t show all the lice crawling on her scalp. We have an image to protect. Just let us use our imagination and we’ll assume that is, indeed, Heather V. and that she needs toilet paper like Marty Moon after eating that Bucket Chimichanga while texting the wonders of the Delaware Wing T. Again, the devil is in the details but that’s been one huge devil since Heather returned. We’ll cope during football, anyway.

Speaking of Dickie V., despite his occasional butchering of the English language (“trifecter” comes to mind) , I do like him as a broadcaster. He’s very knowledgeable, having coached high school, college, and pro basketball (won two State Championships as a high school coach) . That said, I liked this one quote about him when Sports Illustrated ran an article on him. The writer said that Dickie V. could be in Storrs, Connecticut for Big Monday in a game between UConn and Pitt with Dickie V. shouting “Charlie Roh and Chance Macy, the number one combo in America, Bay-Byyyyyyyyyyyy”, then head to Big Wednesday in Fayetteville, Arkansas in a game between Arkansas and Missouri with Dickie V. shouting “Terry Rapson and Will Thayer, the number one combo in America, Bay-Byyyyyyyyyy”. The writer concluded “Dickie V., you’re the biggest homer since Mantle dominated Yankee Stadium”.

THE BLOB RETURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You better watch out, Heather V., you could get your Trifecter phone swallowed at any time. And this The Blob is mad as Gil and not gonna take any more. The one cheering fan looks like he is honestly cheering but the other one is in a serious pursuit of jumping jacks. Hard to tell but I going with my gut. The one with the Mudlark cap has to be what Pruneface looks like when a silhouette graces his presence (Aw, c’mon, no way Pruneface would be wearing a Lakers hat at a Mudlark Footgame contest) . Then there’s Mr. Prudential Rock and Two-Way Head. I wouldn’t think the latter would be tilting his head 180 degrees from the game. What would he be looking at in the distance? Elvis in a UFO? Again, going with my gut. But overall, it looks like a well-attended game even if The Blob is dining on a few patrons. Aaaa, fun at the old ball park as Harry used to say.

Heard on WDIG

“Coach Thorp and Coach Kaz, the number one combo in America, Bay-Byyyyyyyyyyyy”

Heard in the background

“Dickie V., when I get off the pot, so help me…”

Uh oh. Are we going to let off the gas pedal in P3?

It’s a debate in kids sports and sports in general. You don’t want to run up the score but teams that seemed hopelessly behind have come back and won. And I have been on both ends of a blowout as a coach and when you’re losing, you really have no choice but exhort your kids to keep competing, though that can occasionally be a challenge. Getting stomped is no fun. But I have been on the winning side of a rout and THEN the challenge is not to get several fingers pointed at you from the team’s other coaches. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Again, the challenge is to keep your kids motivated, knowing when to call off the dogs, and to be classy when the game is over.

P3 reminds me of the 1992 game between Indiana University and LSU in the NCAA Basketball Tournament when Shaquille O’Neal was playing. Shaq was just DOMINATING and Bob Knight and his Hoosiers had no answer. They were up several points and appeared to be on the brink of blowing it wide open when Dale Brown inexplicably yanked Shaq out of the game. The commentators were in utter disbelief and Bill Walton point blank said “That’s bad coaching. Ya gotta deliver the knock-out blow.” Much as I have always deeply respected Dale Brown as a coach, Walton was right. And IU stormed back and eventually won. Ouch. I traveled through Louisiana later in life and the fans still talked about that game (interchanging between that and the 1994 Kentucky meltdown) .

So when Frick and Frack are easing off the throttle in P3, I cringe. What are they going to do, grind it out and if the defense doesn’t tackle the first time, give them a chance to catch up? Maybe bang the football off Spiller’s butt and let Oakwood recover for a fumble recovery. Heck, let Boyd run with the football like when the Bears let The Refrigerator run it in for a score. That’ll slow things up and keep the game moving. And you still have your foot on the gas pedal, not that I really suspect Frick and Frack to possess that as a strong point. I believe in sportsmanship but don’t give the game to the other team in the name of good will. I’ve never known too many opponents that would return the favor. Just saying.

“Folks, I have to take a major piss. Somebody call me and notify me whether the Mudlarks recovered the onside kick. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

6 Comments »

  1. Gil and Kaz: Candy ass compassionate puds.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 21, 2021 @ 2:14 pm

  2. Heather tweets about HS football like people really GAF about this enough to be reading twitter but not watching the game. I’m surprised Moonie hasn’t already bashed Gil for letting Macy not only be the main part of his silly Delaware Wing T bullshit, but to leave him in a blowout game and risk him getting hurt. The old Moon would’ve been all over this like flies on shit.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 21, 2021 @ 2:25 pm

  3. 1. Yeah babe, you ain’t being paid a sportswriter salary to fucking *TWEET* all game long… I might understand if Milford was in the middle of nowhere out in the sticks, but we all know Milford is a fairly populated community (best estimate between 100k and 250k) and they’re clearly big enough to have their own goddamn radio network and hometown play-by-play voice… So who the hell is the audience she’s tweeting for?

    1a. Rubin isn’t crazy enough to have local yokels playing a Mudlarks fantasy football pool, but that’s who would be following Heather’s twitter account…

    1b. And it’s not a “trifecta” my dear… The term you’re looking for is “hat trick”

    1c. I don’t give a rat’s ass… I still want to know why a city/town/county the size of Milford has ONE fucking high school which is apparently important enough to warrant their own dedicated sportswriter and radio broadcast… Aren’t there any crosstown rivals? Aren’t there any college sports in the region? Aren’t there any minor league baseball/hockey/soccer team locally??

    2. If Chance Macy is THIS damn good at football, why did we waste so much time last season with that three-headed quarterback bullshittery?

    3. Gilberto never heard the mantra of a good offense being the best defense, naturally…

    Comment by Hitorque — September 21, 2021 @ 4:14 pm

  4. I’m confused. Gil wants to give the Oakwood defense a breather and slow down his offense?

    Comment by MopMan — September 21, 2021 @ 5:02 pm

  5. Doesn’t a “track meet” imply a high-scoring game by both teams? How does a team that has allowed only ten points have a defense that needs a breather? Has Oakwood been moving the ball on Milford at will, only to turn it over?

    Watch Gil get super vanilla, play to not lose, and blow that lead.

    Comment by teenchy — September 21, 2021 @ 6:22 pm

  6. I’m confused about the breather myself. Kaz must be thinking that Mfnrd is scoring so readily that possession is lopsided, and that the defense has thus been on the field most of the time.

    Comment by vaganova — September 22, 2021 @ 11:12 am


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: