This Week in Milford

September 22, 2021


So much for that breather! The Mudlarks slow things down so much that night turned into day. Milford scores 13 more points after switching from the vaunted Delaware Wing-T and hangs half a hundred on Oakwood. It’s a wonder Tod Andrews (that is Tod, innit?) isn’t giving Gil a piece of his mind for running up the score on his hapless Owls.

Up in his crate, Evil Spock Marty gleefully calls the game. No doubt he believes Marjie Ducey’s departure to warmer pastures has cemented Milford’s status as his town. Marty had better keep his head on a swivel, though, since Heather Burns is on the scene quicker than you can tweet #radioisadyingmedium.

Heather’s thumbs are quicker than Marty’s lungs, and her approach to sports reporting is fresher than Shane Beamer’s postgame presser after the Georgia-South Carolina game. She’s got no time for Gil’s old man football coachspeak; she’s off to track down the man of the hour, Chance “Don’t Call Me Blowtop” Macy, and give him a squeeze.

Careful where you grab Chance, Heather: five years’ age difference might not mean much to the cruisers at Barney’s Pub (speaking of Evil Spock Marty) but when it’s a recent high school graduate and a high school senior, well, let’s just say it’s not always looked upon kindly.


  1. Heather talking to the unsung again. What a joke!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 22, 2021 @ 2:00 pm

  2. If Heather was male and grabbed a HS girl, he would be lookin’ at serious jail time, but because she’s female, she can get away with grabbin’ Chance, and, if anything, Chance will be da’ man to all his friends when they see the older, more experienced chick showing an interest in him. Heather is already asserting her media presence too by basically sayin’ “…beat it grandpa….I want to talk to the guy who actually scored all those touchdowns…not the old, wrinkly-ass coach who called the plays…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 22, 2021 @ 2:01 pm

  3. Think of how mediocre that Mumford has been the past two years, because they were unwilling to turn Chance loose, but rather insisted on giving touches to the feckless Charlie Ruh-Roh. Heather’s first question should be, “pretty great that Roh and his jerk stepfather are no longer in the picture, right Chancey?”

    Comment by Moon Mullins — September 22, 2021 @ 2:10 pm

  4. By letting Chance run loose, Gil shows what a tool he was last season with that QB1 and QB2 bullshit, and only showing emotion when they were both tryin’ to sniff PP’s volleyball shorts

    Comment by franku2016 — September 22, 2021 @ 2:38 pm

  5. Is that Tod? Was he African-American? Maybe Oakwood canned him and Gil is taking out his anger on Tod’s replacement.

    Comment by MopMan — September 22, 2021 @ 2:46 pm

  6. 1. Is she the only person in town not named Gilbertina or Kazuo who gets to call him “Gil”? It’s either “Mr. Tharpe” or “Coach”… Put your cheerleading skirt and pom-poms away and at least *TRY* to maintain a bit of professional impartiality — Or do they not teach than in J-School anymore??

    1a. And don’t ever leave your interview subject in the middle of his bland mumbly Belichickian soundbite, Heather… It’s not good practice.

    1b. Heather DOES know she’s supposed to interview folks from the other team too, right?

    2. I know it’s not intentional by the artist, but that smile on Heather’s face gives every indication that she wants to grab something long and hard inside Chance’s pants… Or maybe she can get double-teamed by Chance and Boyd Spiller? Did she have a similar “arrangement” back in Iowa City, I wonder? Like I said, Rubin is setting the cause of women in journalism back 40+ years…

    3. I don’t give a shit… I’m going to keep asking why we had to endure that three-headed QB bullshit a year ago if Chance Macy is such a gamebreaking stud leaving folks in the dust like Christian McCaffery… Maybe Oakwood is as god-awful as my old 1991 Norfolk Catholic High Crusaders?? (Record: 1-9, but at least we won homecoming)…

    3a. Memory Lane Stroll: This was the first time our school had fielded a football team in like 3-4 years so we knew we were going to be bad. I was such a shitty player I played a total of two plays and both of them were out of position with less than a minute to go in the game — One was at CB and I was lined up against this scrawny kid half my size at WR. Ironically the team we were playing against did nothing but throw the wishbone triple option at us all night to the tune of 400 yards rushing (they only passed like three times for 25 yards) and they ran the fullback straight up the middle and promptly scored… My second play was lining up against the extra point; and funny enough nobody blocked me from the edge so I probably could have blocked the XP if I wasn’t so shocked at being unblocked… That made the score 45-6 and the game ended with that final. And THAT is the totality of my high school football career. From then on it was just basketball and baseball for me.

    4. Why doesn’t Martinez Diego Lima Luna ever have a postgame show or do on-air interviews? Even on the AM radio band he’s got a much wider potential audience than Heather’s fishwrap… Nevermind the fact that Luna has a DEDICATED AFTERNOON CALL-IN TALK SHOW CENTERED SOLELY AROUND MILFORD ATHLETICS(!) You’d think he’d have a much chummier relationship with Gilberto after all these years?

    5. God help me because I never thought I’d say it, but I’m really starting to miss Peppermint Patty… Milford has gotten boring AF without her. I would have liked to see how many horny football players and bi-curious volleyball girls she could have teased and strung along for another school year…

    Comment by hitorque — September 22, 2021 @ 2:48 pm

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