This Week in Milford

September 23, 2021

And Here To Tell You All About It, Gil Thorp.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:58 pm

Gang, back in the ’80’s when the Atlanta Braves had the broadcasting team of Ernie Johnson, Skip Caray (yes, Harry’s son) , Pete Van Wieren, and John Sterling, they would broadcast in pairs of two, in various and random combinations, the first duo broadcasting on radio, then by the fifth inning broadcasting on TV, the other duo doing exaxtly the opposite. Say it’s Ernie and Pete on TV (then Skip and John would do the radio) . And say Ernie was doing the intro in the inning, again any random inning. He would briefly talk about what had transpired in the game, some odds and ends, then say “And now, here to tell you all about it, Pete Van Wieren”. To which Pete would reply with “Thank you, Ernie. The Braves have some work to do here in the 3rd inning, down 8-1 to the Cubs…” And that format was the case with any of those duo combinations I mention ( “And here to tell you all about it, John Sterling.” “Thank you, Skip. Boy, the Mudlarks have a lot of work to do, down 50-16 here in the second quarter against Oakwood…”) .

And with today’s strip rearing its ugly head with Heather Burns, why were we not surprised.

“And here to tell you all about it, Coach Thorp.”

“Thank you, Heather. We still have a lot of work to do with that Delaware Wing T-“

“Sorry, Coach, gotta talk to Chance. He may be a renegade but at least he’s radio-friendly.”

Coach, you reap what you sow. As Jesus said in Matthew, if you ask for a fish, would you expect a stone? What did you expect when you tolerated her flipping off the soccer coach and still practically put her on your staff, Heather to return with any gratitude? I may pull Benedict Arnold out of a shark pit but I’m not holding my breath in the unrealistic hope he doesn’t bolt for England (He’s a national hero in the same country, BTW) . Yeah, this one’s turning on you and all you can utter is basically “Oakwood sucks”. To quote Ralph in Happy Days when he tells Potsie “If you had a brain, you’d be dangerous” and Potsie responds “Oh yeah????”, good comeback.

Gil, your jock strap is hanging out on this one. You have allowed a sniveling snot to keep sniveling, perhaps dreaming that she one day will do the right thing. Well, we all saw what happened to Gil’s Pizzaria in the same movie. She didn’t even have the dignity to order a pizza to pay towards the damage. Okay, she ruined the anchovy machine but she could have ordered pepperoni. Basic and simple. But courtesy and respect and knowing what you’re talking about is a graduate-level course at Milford Community College to Heather. You’d be better off restocking your Cola cooler case after you’ve replaced the damaged Cola cooler. That one is refreshing and has taste.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Several Customers Miffed After Gil’s Pizzaria Severely Damaged Due To Rioting In The Streets Of Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl: ‘Does this mean the business will not be empowered to cater our wedding anniversary? My husband is gravely disappointed.'”

On a random telecast

“…and here to take you the rest of the way, here’s Skip.”

“Thank you, Ernie. Boy, this plot has already gotten off to an inauspicious start. What a revoltin’ development. Even as I speak, Heather is already assuming more responsibility than she has a right to expect. In fact, if Gil Thorp lasted 120 years instead of 60, Heather would be nuked out of existence. But first things first, we still have to figure out where to get a spade shovel to knock some sense into Coach Thorp’s head for even hiring her in the first place.”

RIP, Skip Caray. You were witty and knowledgeable and made Braves Baseball fun to watch.

And talk about freak hands, something our staff and readers frequently talk about and with good reason, does Gil have leprosy in P1? No way he’s ever going to score a hole-in-one with one hand not able to grip even a sponge. He’s not going to win too many Milford City Men’s Golf Tournament’s with an arm as thin as a cue stick. Shoot, he probably wouldn’t win ANY dart tournaments at Milford Pub. Better guard your beer glass when he’s up to throw. Don’t leave your behind out in the open while you’re talking about the Duke-North Carolina match-up. Talk about watching your backside literally. If he’s pitching softball, it might not leave the pitcher’s circle.

And what the heck is this cardboard cut-out of a school building in the background? I have long criticized the tree artwork but the trees actually look like trees today, unlike the gigantic canvas that can be seen from somewhere in Iceland. I wouldn’t be surprised if planks are keeping this structure from falling over into Uganda. Thorpiverse, if you’re going to draw school buildings, we’d appreciate it if it didn’t resemble Ayer’s Rock or the highest point in Oklahoma. Nobody has scaled this structure and stuck a flag down in the name of their country or state. Not yet, anyway.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Upset Over Gil’s Pizzaria Incident!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was looking forward to getting my MVP trophy at the Milford Adult Flag Football League Banquet.”

And Heather is picking up where Marjie Ducey left off as Heather is diligently licking Chance’s cleats. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we never see Will Wash Gil’s Jock Strap For A Story ever again. Goodness, Heather is doing enough butt-kissing for both of them. And I’d never thought I’d see the day when she went from shameless brat to Marjie’s toady. What’s ironic is how she is brazenly shuffling Coach Thorp to the side. Yeah, heck with you, Coach, I’ve got some genuflecting to do with Chance.

And Heather, you’ve coached yourself (insert sarcasm) , you ought to know better than to broadcast the game plan to Valley Conference opponents. As Nick Saban, Alabama’s famed coach who’s kept the Tide’s championship ways running at a brisk pace, once responded when a reporter asked what offense he was going to run against the upcoming opponent, Northern Colorado, “Why don’t I just send their coaches my God damn playbook!!!!!!!!!!!” Heather, why don’t you send the routes Chance is going to run to next week’s opponent? Heck, you should be able to get to the FedEx station by the 11:00 deadline. When it absolutely positively has to be sent to New Thayer the next day, what a commercial jingle. Expound upon the Mudlark’s defensive schemes? It’s bad enough that you’re licking Chance’s cleats but don’t sleep with the enemy nor lick his or her boots. I wouldn’t put THAT past you but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for now.

“So Coach, what are you planning to do next week?”

“Hell, Marty, why don’t I send Goshen the whole goddam Delaware Wing-T offense!!!!!! I’ll write it on 3×5 index cards and catch the next UPS truck heading out of town!!!!!!!”

“Coach, I was talking about Heather’s sexual harassment suit against you.”

At the Mudlark gym

“…and here to tell you all about it, Ernie Johnson.”

“Thank you, John. Well, there isn’t much to tell. Milford Girls Basketball only plays 5 games. I haven’t seen it this empty since I pitched for the Milwaukee Braves and we blew the ’58 Series to the Yankees.”

Heather Burns has the longest butt this side of the Northern Hemisphere. You could make a surfboard out of her body structure in general. How would she poop on a toilet? She’s SOL if the commode isn’t wider than the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone. “Get your butt down here” is a pretty ambitious order. Remember that bumper sticker mantra, “Get your heart in Dixie or get your ass out?” It might require 2-3 days to get just her gluteus maximus per se out the region.

Whattup with Chance’s shoes? They look like Certs tablets. I wouldn’t kick Heather in the butt with them there lozenges. Rise up and walk is another ambitious order. And there’s the trees. They were lovely specimens in P1 but part of a weather front in P2. You best end this interview quick, Burns. It’s already clear that you’re a flunky who sends smoke signals to Valley rivals. They’re about to get rained on. And you’re all wet anyway, no sense in rubbing it in.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Police Continue Investigation Of Gil’s Pizzaria Incident Despite Sketchy Details!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Bobby Howry’s glasses were discovered behind the counter but Howry was in Utah at the moment of the crime.”

“And here to take you the rest of the way, here’s Marjie Ducey.”

“Thank you, Marty. Marty, before we go on, would you like a Scope tablet? Your breath could use some refreshment. It smells like those gym shorts that get stuck in the Lost and Found hamper for months.”

P3 is where we get down to the nitty-gritty of all that’s transpired at this point. Basically my inspiration for today’s post. And Heather Burns just walked in a pile of cow manure on this one. She herself having coached (insert sarcasm once again) should know “There’s no ‘I’ in the word ‘TEAM'”. So when she approaches Chance with a “You’re The Way, The Truth, and The Life” mentality, she really undid all she accomplished as one of Gil’s assistants (swallow your pride and print that, T. Drew) . Ah, but when did that ever stop this mercenary from going forward and running over her grandmother to get a story? Look what she did with Gil. She will stop at nothing to dig up dirt about a huckster on the links or back away from the soccer team even though she really had no discipline and needed to own up to that. But that’s Thorpiverse for ya. Bark at people when you need to be put on a permanent leash.

Thank Heavens Chance is reading right through that and having none of some smart-mouth jerk and her officious mannerisms. Take a number, Ms. Burns. And you could use a Scope tablet yourself. Deferring to the ones who protect him shows the class Chance always had and that Ms. Burns never had. But you’ve heard me say that before. Good.

And knowing Heather, she’ll come across to Gordon like “I know you opened the holes but that won’t sell on the Film at 11 and you didn’t score so thank you for your time. Where’s Coach Thorp? Maybe I can get something interesting. I’ll settle for Coach Kaz is Coach T. went home.”

Hang in there, Gordon. You only have to put up with her at the end of the night.

Continuing my utter disbelief with discreet packaging for male enhancement products AND with a Latin phrase book that wrote a disclaimer prohibiting unlawful reproduction of the material, seriously doubting that there’s an illegal ring in the sleazy part of Milford distributing undercover Latin dictionaries and Latin comprehensive quote books

One night at bedtime at the Shaw household

” Honnnnneeeyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornnnnnnnyyyyyy. It’s time to come to bedddyyyyy-byyyyyyyyyyy-uh, um, Honey, why is the den stacked to the ceiling with Latin dictionaries?”

“Pipe down!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You want the neighbors to hear you!!!!!!!!!!!! Then they’ll call the police!!!!!”

Mrs. Shaw whispering

“Why do you have several Latin phrase books all over your gun rack?”

“I am going to make a killing selling Erectile Dysfunction medicine to all the disgruntled men out there. But I gotta be discreet so the police don’t find out. So I stick the tablets in these Latin dictionaries and phrase books and no harm, no foul.”

“Darling, won’t that get you in jail?”

“Not if I do this right, Mrs. Shaw. I just have to be there at Milford Pharmacy when they throw the excess medicine in the dumpster. I have to get there before lunch break or they will eat their Big Mac’s while the garbage truck drives away.”

“But why not just send them as is? The pharmacy doesn’t sound like they care.”

“Woman, I ain’t taking any chances!!!!!!!!! What if Joe Friday and Bill Gannon were parked out in front of my house? They ain’t exactly out there because they want to know the meaning of Alea Iacta Est.”

“Honey, why don’t you Carpe Diem and seize my body? That would be a lot more fun than stashing pills in an envelope marked Ad Captandum Vulgus.”

“Shoot, I can do better than that. I got a box with several Latin phrase books with plenty of horny products infiltrated between the pages that I’m sending to the inflicted males at Milford Luxury Condo Suites. The code name is Per Ardua Ad Astra. That’s right, ya gotta rip it open if ya wanna reach the stars. The condo security will never know the difference.”

“Actually, I like Sic Semper Tyrannis because I’d love for you to get tyrannical with me.”

“No way, Woman!!!!!!!!!! There’s money to be made and plenty more Latin literature online to make it. Labor Vincit Omnia and the only time sex comes before work is in the dictionary. Now get outta my face, I have a package to send to the all the lifeless gentlemen at Milford Senior Center. You know how many x’s are in Vox Populi, Vox Dei?”

DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Shaw opens the front door

“Shaw residence?”

“Yes.”

“Officer Williams with the Milford Police. One of your packages was found in the middle of the road. Did someone in your household write with a magic marker Quieta Non Movere?”

“Whew!!!! That was a close call!!!!! My trunk must have jarred open when I hit that speed bump while rushing off some more packages. But it was time to get my own sex life on Terra Firma and to possess a Firma Significant Other to match. With proven treatment programs at Milford Men’s Clinic that have stood the test of time, you need to get your gluteus maximus down to the Clinic and really know the meaning of Homo Erectus. You’ll be glad you did.”

No, Gang, Pete Van Wieren never broadcast with Marty Moon. I would have recognized that goatee when the Braves were playing. What a revoltin’ development. But God bless you anyway, Gang.

“…and here to take you the rest of the way, here’s Mimi Thorp.”

“Gil, come to bed.”

At Gil’s Pizzaria

“Now what are gonna do?”

“Hey!!!!!!!! I got it!!!!!! The Bucket sells Canadian bacon pizza!!!!!!!!”

8 Comments »

  1. Yeah, maybe Chance doesn’t want to talk about himself, but passing off a question about his thoughts running with this offense to a lineman to answer is rather dumb. Gordon, “Um, I don’t know, I’m not a running back.”

    Comment by MopMan — September 23, 2021 @ 4:06 pm

  2. That’s a really lazy and leading question to ask Chance the Gardener… Doesn’t Heather Cronkite have a library board meeting to cover?

    Comment by Hitorque — September 23, 2021 @ 5:35 pm

  3. At least Rubin could’ve used big- mouth to take the credit, not some kid no one has ever seen. P 4 (Spiller’s voice): “….Get out of the way Gordon, ya’ stutterin’ prick…hey baby!… let me tell you all about it… but you will have to head to the locker room to hear it…. “ .

    Comment by franku2016 — September 23, 2021 @ 5:41 pm

  4. Genius Heather couldn’t figured that Oakwood is terrible? Can’t tackle and the d line and linebackers are on their ass one second after the ball is snapped? Sometimes you don’t need trickery to beat teams in high school. You just line up and knock dicks in the dirt.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 23, 2021 @ 6:54 pm

  5. And yes, I spent endless summers (1985-90) as a kid at my grandmother’s house in rural Alabama watching those god-awful 100-loss Braves teams on TBS… Partly because I loved baseball, partly because there would be nothing else on her TV except soap operas during the day, and partly because she wouldn’t let me go outside in the midday when it was too hot… Fun times.

    Comment by Hitorque — September 24, 2021 @ 5:04 am

  6. Hitorque….Your grandmother must have taken tips from my grandmother in Wisconsin….When I wanted to watch baseball on her little B/W TV, as one of the only channels to come in, she would make me turn it off. When I went outside with my brother to hit the ball around, she called it “the devil’s work” and insisted that we “read the bible and sing hymns” with her….fun times indeed. After that experience, I told my parents that they weren’t droppin us off there alone for a couple weeks ever again.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 24, 2021 @ 6:48 am

  7. As a Sox fan I would occasionally go to my Cub fan grandma’s and she would be watching Cubs late 70’s early 80’s. Brickhouse years. I remember scraping/ painting the house one year and we’d hear an “Ol’ Lordy.” from my grandmother. We knew it wasn’t going well for the Cubs. As usual.
    My dad and I took grandma to Wrigley Field for her only game about 1981. It was rained out. But grandma was satisfied. She at least got to see Wrigley.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 24, 2021 @ 3:57 pm

  8. The 81 Cub team was probably the worst in my memory– woulda lost 100 but for the strike. Sutter was gone, Kingman was gone, still had Buckner, and Bobby Bonds played for them that year. He was more over the hill then George Foster with the Sox in 1986.

    Comment by robmize2013 — September 27, 2021 @ 3:18 pm


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