This Week in Milford

September 30, 2021

“….Able To Leap The Delaware Wing-T In A Single Bound…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:41 pm

WHAT???? Three panels of football action???? Where’s my fax machine? I want to send photocopies of this rare specimen to all the readers out there. Yes, there is a Gil.

I daresay that several TWIMers were bracing themselves for more wasted time that would eventually round out the rest of the week, then commencing the next week with more time-wasting scripts and supernumerary interactions. I couldn’t wait for Boyd to tell Dr. Pearl that her mother drove a pickle wagon because Pearl didn’t have Madden set up on the console in her basement. Then waste the next 2 months watching Boyd get his own Valley Alternative team because Dr. Pearl due-processed his ass and set them up with a scrimmage against the Mudlarks, the run for a 70-yard TD interrupted by Jay’s Subs and Nick’s Pizza. Sports but in a Harlem Globetrotters fashion. Everybody knew the Boston Shamrocks were gonna get their butts kicked. Thorpiverse wouldn’t have it any other way.

But nooooooooooo, the writing is on the wall and the Generic Carolina Blue is on the strip. They are tackling and blocking, even with the Transubstantiation of Jesus in the background. Hey, if that’s the worst of my problems, they can tackle all they want. As long Milford beats the Shamrocks, of course.

And whattup with this predictable color code? Even Gil’s coffee has been Carolina Blue lately. Surely not everybody in the Valley Conference subscribes to the one color concept, except the Mudlarks, naturally, because 800-lb. gorillas can were a green and black and pink tutu at the game and they still wind up being the heroes at the end of the contest. Shoot, Gil can dress like Barth Gimbel on Milford 2 Night and still get preferential treatment by Heather for interviews. Well, until Marjie knighted her, then Heather started asking “Gil who?”. But you get my point, the rooster with the ugliest coxcomb this side of the city dump can cackle all he wants. And usually does.

“I like your hair, Dr. Pearl.”

“Thank you, I received the notion after the Goshen game last Saturday.”

The point I am trying to make is if we’re not careful, we’re going to be running rampant with this Carolina Blue concept. I couldn’t even imagine it on Marty Moon’s goatee when he’s flaying Gil in an interview. Ditto for Vic Diucette’s van or braces. It as bad enough when Vic “I Use The New and Improved Teal-Coated Poly-Grip Daily On My Dental Work” Doucette employs those Bermanisms, i.e., Tevin “Rhymes With Kevin” Claxton or Boyd “Knocked ’em Dead Literally At The Pep Rally” Spiller but if the first item on the aganda at the Library Board Meeting is for Butthead Brito to paint Archives Room the Color du Jour, I will turn down that dinner date at his house, I don’t care if his wife is serving Carolina Blue egg plants.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Team In The Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League To Change Colors Next Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We weren’t intimidating nobody with them Chartreuse and Lavender jerseys.”

I still have to get my eyes adjusted as the arms are actually attached to people’s bodies as in P1. Usually the running back’s elbow is filtering out of the Kettering DT’s butt while Kettering DE has his thigh mixed up with a Mudlark OT’s lumbar region of the back. Alexander Calder couldn’t design mobiles any better than when Milford Football goes to war and literally mixes it up. Talk about sorting out the bodies. Try doing a jigsaw puzzle where you have reattach the jugular vein after it got wedged in someone’s ulna bone in the arm or another’s abdomen melded with a set of bicuspids and if successful, the pie at the County Fair is all yours.

Don’t even try to unravel Gil’s hair from this mess. Let’s keep it simple, stupid.

If ya git pummeled by the Rock ’em Sock ’em robot cuz ya drank yore Jack without a chaser and kin bear-ly manoover the controls on yore end uv thangs, ya might be a redneck.

And why does Thorpiverse keep sending us characters like they have been sleeping under the same barracks roof with Gomer and Duke? Shazam, Steve, you’ll make Sergeant Carter proud, proud, proud when he seen what ya dun with that thar Kettering running back. Just make sure yore dress blues is purtied up before inspection.

I mean, I have mixed feelings about this one. I hope Milford wins but for all I know Lehto could be sleeping in the same bunk with Tiki after he lost his privileges at Milford Shelter House after he shoved the cook’s face in the pea soup because the tap water was a little too rust-heavy. And must we guess at how the heck you pronounce his surname? Steve Leno? No, I really don’t think that’s Jay’s son. Steve LEE-to? Speculating that the last name could be German-Slav mix, somebody in the Lehto lineage cut the Gordian knot and Americanized the Hell out of this one. Look no further than Bachman-Turner Overdrive, whose leader, Randy Bachman, desired to cut from The Guess Who and form his own group and consequently more than carved their own identity. One hitch was that many people (myself included, I confess) kept saying BAHK-man when Randy insisted that it was BACK-man. It’s his last name, you understand, he ought to know. It’s just that by the time the DJ’s were heavily plugging these guys, the BAHK-man pronunciation had taken such a strong hold that Randy was swimming against a tsunami and knew it. He continued to make great music while swallowing his pride. Great example of wisdom in Show Business.

So let’s throw caution to the wind and say Steve LEE-to. I’m not going to get plowed by some Kettering schmuck with a Carolina Blue jock strap wedged up his butt. I’ll go with the flow on this one. Now I could bail out and say (more than likely the case) Steve LEH-to. Or go the Lay’s Potato Chip route, i.e., LAY-to. But let’s let this play out because I get the feeling the football action will die down just as quick as it flared up and we’ll have time to waste arguing over whether to pronounce it BAHK-man or BACK-man. Thorpiverse has a way of playing the wet blanket so we’re free to debate items that serve the Milford Social Media but kill any football momentum.

Wait a minute, LEE-to was the guy delivering for Jay’s Subs at Knappe’s scrimmage. I’d recognize those redwood trunks anywhere.

Oooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to bring some sense to this Delaware Wing-Dinger of a plot. Without further ado, take it away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Gil’s last name was pronounced________________.”

And doncha just love how the designers of the Kettering helmet have managed to amalgamate the P and the K so that Kmart and PPG Industries overlap each other? Should they ever dump these helmets, I’m sure Kmart will get the helmets out of the trash bins if they want free advertising. Really, did some dolt stencil the K and the P and air-brush the damn thing? I could finger-paint those letters and make a fashion statement by Homecoming. It’s bad enough that that same dolt stole the MTV copyright and slapped it on Gil’s shirt, the team uniforms, Mimi’s key ring, etc. but the artwork is believable. As George Wallace, the HILARIOUS comedian once said “How come y’all white people have yard sales after the game Friday night? Because I’ll answer your question, yeah, when us blacks honk at each other, we DO know each other.” To paraphrase Wallace, plenty of Kettering helmets came out of yard sales after THEIR game last week.

Heard in a random Milford High School hallway

“Oh, that Carolina Blue skirt is so this year!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Thank you. Coach Thorp had a garage sale last week…”

We finally get to the trapeze artist in P3 and his fall is about as graceful as a squirrel pouncing on an acorn. Chance and Charlie have been relegated to Team Status and are no longer part of the soap opera at hand. Not that Chance was going to argue and his back flip triple gainer in P3 may reflect the reaction of his liberation from One Life to Live.

Then we wonder if all these tricks of the trade employed by the Delaware Wing-T is actually going to result in a W. Yeah, there’s a catch to everything. The offense is more than likely legitimate but if you have a 13-year-old in the driver’s seat of a semi, whoa hoss. And with Gil’s record of gift-wrapping games to the opponent, it doesn’t matter if Buddy Ryan is manning the Mudlark defense, the game set match usually is carted out of the stadium by Gil’s opponent. Good game, Mr. Opponent. Thank you, Gil. You’re a classy guy for shaking my hand. And that bow on this present is a great touch. I wish other coaches could wrap up a W like that. I’d fly like Chance Macy too. You got a good acrobat on your hand BTW.

“And we’ll be back to see if Gil farts another one away after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“I don’t care what Moon says, my track record is clean. Yogi Berra said you can look it up. I have won more than I lost. In 60 years, the ship never sunk when I was at the helm and when it did, I had lifeboats ready. And those cupcakes weren’t all Cupcake City, baby. I always assumed they had a Delaware Wing-T of their own.

But i’m not here to talk about Delaware Wing-T or chicken wings. That’s for Colonel Sanders to sort out. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and it’s Football Season so don’t you dare go anywhere else but Milford Beverage Warehouse for all your tailgate and house party needs. And what makes it nicer is The Warehouse now has digital coupons. Man, saving money on your favorite booze never got easier. We have random items throughout yhe store to scan and clip some bucks with, so the sooner you get your tail down here, the better.

Rumor has it that Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon os one of our digitalized products. Well, I don’t know aboutchoo but if I’m wanting to get a little sloshed watching Alabama beat up on Cupcake City, I wouldn’t expect Chester Cheetah to get digitalized. I couldn’t imagine the coupon on his rear end. That’s right, $20.99 will send you into Football ecstasy as Nick Saban is chewing on the refs or one of his players. He needs a swig of his own evidently.

And c’mon, you UCLA-USC, Michigan-Ohio State, Texas-Oklahoma rivalries out there, you think we slapped a digital code on a case of Grape Nehi? You KNOW The Warehouse better than that. I’ll bet Bob Knight’s next paycheck as an ESPN analyst that there’s a digital label on a case of Busch Light or Miller High Life. At $20.99, you better hope Ohio State fans get their booze and the W too if you’re a Buckeye, the same for Michigan fans if you’re a Wolverine. Hey, the rivalry extends to the beer freezer too.

Now you wine-and-cheese wimpmeisters prefer to look at the Florida-Georgia rivalry like a jousting match. Shake hands even if you get knlcked off your horse. I’ve never understood how you can walk out of the arena with everybody cheering even if you fell flat on your ass but don’t let that stop you from checking out these digited Bota Box 3 Liter Decoy Cabernet in select varieties. For $17.09, I bet watermelon or black cherry cabernet hits the spot when the Georgia Bulldogs are jawin’ with the Florida Gators. Cabernet makes us all gentlemen even when Georgia gets called for Flagrant Foul-Roughing The Passer or Florida gets called for Too Many Goons on the Field.

Folks, what more can I say? And we did fix the machine so shoplifters couldn’t zap the digital code and walk out with the merchandise. Come experience the digital difference here at Milford Beverage Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, that is NOT Jay Leno’s son. It’s LEHTO, remember? Why would Jay Leno have ANYTHING to do with this farce? Case closed.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, Mrs. Kravitz said she’s going to wear Carolina Blue at the square dance. What’s Carolina Blue?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh, here, Keri. Here’s a roll of quarters. Get some gum at the gumball machine in the Colony office.


  1. This shit is irrelevant… I just want to know who won the Madden ’22 tourney at Boyd’s house…

    Comment by Hitorque — September 30, 2021 @ 4:24 pm

  2. P1: Assisting on the tackle for Kettering, Tobor the 8th Man.

    P2: So who is this stud bolt Steve Lehto and why have we not heard about him before? Unlike some folks we’ve seen, no Kaiser Wilhelm arms on him. Has he been pumping iron with Kaz or is he juicin’? Also, what’s up with Kettering dude’s face mask? It doesn’t even protect his mouth.

    P3: Someone should’ve told Chance he had toilet paper hanging out of his pants; maybe he wouldn’t have tripped over it then.

    Comment by teenchy — September 30, 2021 @ 6:09 pm

  3. I wanna see Milford gag this game and then hear Gil’s smart-ass answer when moonie queries him about it

    Comment by franku2016 — September 30, 2021 @ 6:47 pm

  4. To be fair, Kettering is not in the Valley Conference, so they could have the same color. In fact, the Kettering Pioneers (were) located in Detroit, and did have blue uniforms, but they were royal blue and white, so not an exact match.

    I’m just wondering if Macy got flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct for humping the goal line after his touchdown.

    Comment by MopMan — September 30, 2021 @ 7:07 pm

  5. Teenchy and everybody else, from all indications, I will be doing your post tomorrow. If anybody else wants to do it, I will be more than happy to defer. The main thing is coverage so I will plan on doing it unless somebody lets me know. We have a great thing going and I hope it continues.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 1, 2021 @ 11:58 am

  6. […] Go to Canada already! Nomar Ramos played basketball this past season, and Steve Lehto played football. Second base is our midweek […]

    Pingback by Next Stop: Donut Town. Population: Two. | This Week in Milford — April 6, 2022 @ 9:14 am

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