This Week in Milford

October 5, 2021

This Plot Didn’t Lay An Egg, It Just Got Knocked Loose.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:48 pm

I’ve been run down and I’ve been harped at

And I don’t know why I let that nose tackle make me a fool

They took the damn Nerfball, wrecked the Wing-T

Now I’m chewed on by my chumpy buddy

Who’s relishing picking my sanity

Sometimes I feel

SOMETIMES I FEEL

LIKE I’VE BEEN TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

Oh Gil, I feel like I’m dyin’.

Oh, you whippersnappers knew I had to insert another classic to slay the Gil. This Allman Brothers jewel has always sent me into turbocharge and I’m applying that turbocharge to a very ridiculous exchange that’s wearing thinner by the game. You mean to tell me that every week we’re going to have to put up with these silly exchanges between Beaver Spiller and Tevin Clapton? Because I get a sick-gut feeling this Abbott & Costello interplay will carry on even if Tevin doesn’t choke. I mean, I really can’t see (and really don’t want to see) Beaver nitpicking until it hurts. Man, Tevin, did you dip your mouth in a sewer? You could use a Breath-Mint before we get on the bus. And did you double-check in the fitting room at Macy’s before you put on that jock strap? It’s so loose, I can see your testicles from Phoenix. That’s a thong bikini you could slap on Goliath. And why do you sit behind Coach Thorp on the bus? Are you trying to be another Heather Burns? Shooooo-eeeeeee, I’ll never lick Gil’s boots. I don’t want to be an assistant coach that bad.

Because i was really expecting this to end once Tevin proved himself and has at least shown he can play high school football. I cannot imagine a Leave it to Beaver episode where Beaver is criticizing Eddie Haskell at quarterback, especially in a trash-talking mode. You throw the football like June Cleaver. Boy, that cuts deep. You run the end-around with the speed of Lumpy Rutherford. Man, Heather, are you going to PRINT THAT? How can I face my friends? Dad, Wally said I couldn’t hang onto the football because I have muscles of a squirrel. Hoo boy, save that for the placard I’m going to display Friday night. Oh heck, let’s let Beaver go full bore. Eddie, they be callin’ you Crappy Vacuum Cleaner, you be suckin’ out loud and pretty bad. Shoot, they be callin’ you Ice Cream, you done melted when the heat’s on. And I know you like to go on vacation and you do more traveling than Michael Jordan and Patrick Ewing combined. Okay, it’s NBA we’re talkin’ here but hey, to quote Stuart Scott, I’m buttah, I’m on a roll.

The point is, if we’re going to watch Beaver Spiller ply his needling on his teammate, I’m just offering suggestions to move this along at a tolerable rate. No sense watching Beaver try be something he’s not without a little help from his friends.

Okay, Depend Undergarments has a legitimate reason to stay in business. I just really don’t care to watch a man prepare for his daughter’s wedding pulling his britches up at the hotel room in the name of selling a product. With that in mind

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Withstands Another Advertisement Endorsement Overture Despite Generous Compensation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t wearin’ no Depends with my flag football jersey on my person.”

And then Tevin utters the most You-Say-To-MAY-To- I-Say-To-MAH-To statement this side of the Valley Conference. And Tevin, what DIFFERENCE does it make, you didn’t hang on to the football and somebody jarred it loose. You have to tuck it in, Big Guy. Yeah, I’m sure the Kettering nose tackle managed to knock it free but that’s why you TUCK IT IN so that doesn’t happen. As much as I deeply respect Gene Keady, longtime Purdue Men’s Basketball coach, one year Purdue lost on their home floor, Mackey Arena (TOUGH place for opponents to garner a win) , to Northwestern, the doormat of the Big Ten Conference that year. Coach Keady made a good point, you warm up casual, you play casual. But Coach, I hate to break it to you IT’S YOUR JOB to make sure that doesn’t happen. The ball was dropped at Mackey whether the Boilermaker lost his grip or the Northwestern Wildcat jarred out of his hands to go down the court for an easy score.

God, my worst nightmare is being at Mackey Arena and Beaver Spiller is in his Boilermaker Pete outfit lecturing me on my rebounding technique. The Wisconsin Badger got the rebound because I didn’t jump higher than Don Noort. The Minnesota Golden Gopher retrieved the ball because I needed a butt bigger than The Skipper to block out. The Michigan State Spartan cleaned the glass because I left my Windex in booth #6 at The Diner.

This is going to be a long season.

If ya dropped yore deer rub at Milford IGA cuz anuther shoppin’ cart rammed into ya cuz they wuz DWI and the store manager had ta use Janitor in a Drum ta mop up the mess, ya might be a redneck.

Teammates tell me that I’ve been a fumblin’ fool

And I’ve had to stand by and take it, Baby, when I shouted “Gil rules!!!!!”

Drown myself in sorrow as my game has gone undone

But nothing seemed to change, the bad games stayed the same

I still can’t run

Sometimes I feel

SOMETIMES I FEEL

LIKE I’VE BEEN TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

Oh Gil, I feel this plot dyin’

Sure, why not, let’s waste the next three panels debating whether the chicken or the football came first. The caption says it all, not that ANY of us is wanting this useless exchange of words to continue ad nauseum, although that appears to be the route being pursued. We couldn’t settle this before we boarded the bus, no, no, no. Now we’re branching off into several different directions and veering from the original premise. I remember when I was in school, Mr. Russ, excellent social studies teacher, did an activity where he takes a student out in the hallway and tells a joke, then has that student tell that same joke to student #2 in the hallway, student #2 tell that joke to student #3 in the hallway and so on until it reached, say, the 33rd student. By the time it reached the 33rd student, it was so badly malformed from the original joke that it had lost its punch.

I think you see my point. No, I didn’t fumble it and it wasn’t a football anyway, it was a piece of zucchini. And I racked the nose tackle in the crotch while the defensive end jumped over the moon while Gil ran off with the spoon and Marty Moon did his best imitation of Charles Mingus’ Ah Um album cover when I did cough up that Gulden’s Mustard. I remember the band playing Allman Brothers’ “Statesboro Blues” when Chance Macy wiped his butt with that bathroom tissue before he flipped into the end zone and you were picking your nose with a rake because the water boy didn’t have a Kleenex and Gil was too busy and Hadley V. Baxendale drove on the field to yell at Gil “Off with his head!!!!!!!!!!!” because the queen was at The Bucket with Alice and Alice didn’t care for Bucket Chili because it made her fart in spades, hearts, clubs, diamonds. And this is just the second panel, mind you.

In Dr. Pearl’s office while “One Way Out” is blaring from her RCA Victrola

“Mr. Luhm, can you dispose of my excess Depends? I don’t want to create a scene.”

“No problem, I’ll just use them to cover the plants in the gardens so they don’t get exposed to frost. Spray-paint some black Krylon, nobody’ll notice the difference.”

Naturally, nobody’s looking at each other while engaging in this sluggish slugfest. Yo Mama’s so ugly, she got arrested by the Milford Police for indecent exposure. Funny, Fred Sanford, did you just now get that off your cell phone? Dial-a-Put-Down? Gordon is preoccupied with Harry and Steve (Rob is going to kill me) and the Mudlark dude in the back of the bus is on his walkee-talkee in a dialogue with Field Marshal Montgomery on how Milford can stave off the Battle of the Bulge. Now I THINK Tevin Clapton, judging by his hand position, is halfway acknowledging that we are still in Trash Talk Mood and maybe isn’t wanting Beaver Spiller to extend his hurling of barbs, kinda like hoping Beaver goes on welfare rather than steal your lunch money. But the way Beaver is grabbing the bus seat as if indicating that he enjoys grabbing opportunity by the throat as long he doesn’t rip the vinyl off the seat, Tevin is not going to have anywhere to sit if Beaver keeps hand-humping the seating arrangement in the bus. Yo Mama is so bad with the football, they had to staple the football on one of her boobs so she could look it in the tuck. Yo Mama’s so slow on the field, the maintenance guy turned on the water sprinkler by the time she reached the end zone. Yo Mama’s butt’s so big, the defensive coordinator used it alone on the defensive line in a 4-3. Beaver, have you been reading Fred’s script again?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Voted #1 Sex Symbol In Newspaper Survey!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“News analyst: ‘His posing in those Red Depends with the MTV logo stenciled in while taking off his baseball pants on this month’s Milford Today sent this one over the edge.”

And are we going to keep experiencing this cycle, insult, concede, repeat???? For the next 2-3 months???? I’d rather not have Beaver Sanford over for Thanksgiving. Yo Mama’s so fat, she canslide down an escalator with her feet never touching the steps. I agree, Fred, I’ll mail-order some Nutrament bars. It’s like pushing the Sisyphean Boulder while listening to Fred uttering garbage about my Mama. Fortunately, Gordon is having none of this and may be the equalizer to this whole junkyard that’s accumulating more junk. And that’s just on the bus.

No, Fred, I’ll keep pushing. And I’ll get some pads for my Mama so she isn’t flatter than a mesa.

“And we’ll be back to wrap things up after these messages as Milford almost gave yet another one away to the opponent. Christmas didn’t come early for Kettering. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Marty Moon needs to get a real job. I didn’t give that game away, I was just trying to be a gentleman and give Kettering one last chance. But he got rejected at the Depends Undergarments photo audition because nobody could imagine a guy with a Magic Johnson goatee posing as a senior citizen with a bladder problem. That tells you a lot about his character.

But I’m not here to talk about jerks sitting in front of the photographer in his Fruit of the Looms at minimum scale. Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and they ARE aware that some of our customers have bladder problems that preclude their ability to indulge in Nature’s Finest. Now we could bury our heads in the Depend XXX Large Undergarment and watch these same customers buy booze at our competitors or we could meet ’em at the gate and turn a negative into a positive. I’ll let you do the math on that one.

So right now, in the month of October, for every $30 purchase you make, The Warehouse will give you absolutely free a carton of Depend Undergarments in your choice of size and color. The days of buying a bottle of Jack and subsequently having to relieve yourself in the far end of the parking lot where no one’s looking are over.

Just think, Some lucky guy can walk in with confidence because he had bought Jim Beam Vanilla and Tito’s Handmade Vodka for what he’d paid Milford Gas & Electric and got something extra so our janitor didn’t have to place another “Wet Floor” marker by the cash register. Good booze and good peein’, they go together like Gracie and George.

Now we realize some of our customers are picky and want artistic value in the deal. No problem, a purchase of Evan Williams Straight Bourbon, Smirnoff Red White & Berry and a six-pack of Samuel Adams Straight, No Chaser will enable the art connoisseurs out there to look their sexiest in Fuchsia, No Waistband or Chartreuse, Extra Crotch Restraining and still be able to literally hold their liquor. Isn’t it nice when Aisle 2 isn’t flooded again with unnecessary liquidation? And I know, namby-pamby, hoity-toity, quiche-eating wimpsters who feed their cats brie every morning and use the same for kitty litter occasionally have bladder control problems too. Don’t worry, we didn’t leave you sissies out in the cold. Buy three bottles, mix and match, of Buttercream Chardonnay, San Gregorio Single Vineyard, AFL-CIO-endorsed, Loma Gorda Old Vine Garnacha, Levant Cremant de Bourgogne Brut, and all the rest and you can keep your bowels in order with Depend Crotch Sensitive or Depend Magenta & Lilac, Anti-Jock Itch Reinforced in one purchase. Man, nice to know you can get The Good Life at a bargain and not have to worry about scratching your privates in public, especially when you’re impulse-buying a bag of Cheeto’s and Lay’s Sour Cream Potato Chips.

Folks, the booze is cheap and the merchandise is free so come on down and get your finances and urinary tract under control and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you don’t know what you’re talking about. That kid in the back of the bus is talking to General Patton. He thinks General Bradley is full of crap. They need to move the army to Palermo TONIGHT. Beat the Germans to it. But God bless you anyway.

TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

TIED TO THE WHIPPIN’ POST

“Okay, Marty, I’ll change the vacation schedule. Now get out of here, I’m talking to one of our sponsors.”

6 Comments »

  1. I’ve never wanted to see a GT character get his/her clock cleaned as much as I have with this jag-off Spiller kid. His bitch-ass is still carrying on about Tevin later on the bus? What a douche. It looks like the kid questioning him might be ready to do just that though. Of course, Gil won’t notice shit until someone like Mimi points out to him that there might be some friction between Boyd “BS” Spiller and Tevin that goes all the way back to their JV days, at which point Gil will yell at the other kids on the team to “do something about it”

    Comment by franku2016 — October 5, 2021 @ 2:09 pm

  2. The simple solution is to get the Milford cheerleaders to take sides. Tevin can get them to do anti-Spiller cheers like:

    “Boyd! Boyd!
    He’s such a Noyd!”

    While doing positive cheers for the QB like:

    “Tevin! Tevin!
    Just like heaven!
    He’s the best
    Of the Milford eleven!”

    Comment by Moon Mullins — October 5, 2021 @ 2:19 pm

  3. What is this “plot” of which you speak?

    Comment by Downpuppy — October 5, 2021 @ 2:46 pm

  4. This is the dumbest forced controversy I’ve ever seen. Maybe if there was ACTUAL choking it wouldn’t be so bad.

    Comment by MopMan — October 5, 2021 @ 3:27 pm

  5. Whoever is the leader of this team (not Gil) would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. Take this Boyd prick by the neck, up against the locker and say, “ This is over!” Or however he chooses to word it.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 5, 2021 @ 3:40 pm

  6. The sad part is THIS is the kind of football situation that would have warranted an intervention from Gilberto and Peppermint Patty; not that bullshit last year over who was sitting where in the bleachers for a volleyball game…

    Comment by Hitorque — October 5, 2021 @ 8:14 pm


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