This Week in Milford

October 7, 2021

Look, Kianna, Second-Rate Is Better Than Third-Rate.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:03 pm

We are not certain what planet Mimi landed on but she did manage to snare some serious hardware to fly back to earth with as she shamelessly brandishes the trophy in P1. I’m going to go out on a limb to say this is volleyball we’re talking about although Thorpiverse is sending us in so many directions with too many props that could have us guessing either way. Now if there is no goal post by the volleyball net, okay, we’re going to see a volleyball match. Scratch that, the Mudlark fans and the other teams and fans will see this coffee-enriched affair, we’re naturally left hanging as to what went on. We’ll just take Thorpiverse’s word that they didn’t stick a Ouija board in the middle of the court and try to summon Principal Ek or Jim Morrison from the dead. Oh, Morisson’s autobiography, “Nobody Gets Out Alive” has merit except what would happen if Gil or Mimi got killed off? Who’d continue the cluelessness? No, Jim, we have to get out unscathed, at least until the week’s over.

And the balance beam is throwing the proverbial monkey wrench into the gears. So while we’re getting our eyes adjusted to the set, we go back to the original premise, i. e., the Mudlarks are not hoisting mediocrity from participating in a shuffleboard tournament. Was Cindy Brady, to the right of Coach Mimi, the leading scorer? Yeah, we whupped some behind beating Aurora, some Valley doormats, and a couple of tongue-twisting out-of-town schools in that All-Comers Lawn Jart Invitational. Yayyyyyyyy, Coach Mimi, that inspiring pre-game speech before they competed in horseshoes really did the trick.

And as a couple of readers have astutely observed, we’re still in No-Man’s Land on whether Mimi is the gymnastics coach along with her duties (loosely translated) as volleyball coach. Maybe. But she is already committed (see last quote in parenthesis) to bocce, basketball, bowling, badminton, co-ed horseshoes, double-oar creek-modified girls rowing, donkey basketball (sometimes confused with the regular basketball team) , water-skiing, hog wrestling, table tennis, asphalt-court tennis, ailanthus-free concrete tennis and water polo. These pursuits take a lot of her time and if she wants to do justice to any of them, she has to stay on her girls when the sapling is attempting to pin the hawg to the mat. Juggling rasslin’ hawgs in the mud vs. teaching a gymnast to flip on the balance beam can take its toll. I’m needing more information.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Upset Over Ramifications At Milford City Co-ed Horseshoe Tournament!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“After the third ringer, I told the judge he had to throw with his other hand.”

I am honestly trying to differentiate what’s in everybody’s hand in P1. Let’s get the easy part first. Cindy is giving a thumbs-up in victory, no sense in flipping the bird when you’re facing the Fourth Estate. Take your hard-fought mediocre status and get out of the building. That’s logical. And Mimi does have the trophy by the throat and appears to send a message that she will crown anybody with it if they try to snatch it out of hand. No, the Kettering nose tackle will not jar this one loose. Mimi looked mediocrity all the way in the tuck.

But WHAT is the girl on the left holding? Foghorn Leghorn’s scalp? His jew’s harp? His afro pick? I realize she may be slap-happy, you get that way when you win but do you grab the first thing you see in the gym? Thank God cows weren’t roaming the volleyball floor. She might have been waving a cow udder next to Mimi’s trophy. I love The Rolling Stones but “High Tides and Green Grass” raised in triumph next to a $25 trophy really looks out of order. Wait a minute. Foghorn dropped his dentures and she picked them up right when the photographer snapped the picture. Good Samaritan and Volleyball Champ, Milford received a stellar image and a trophy. Now wipe that Play-Doh off your smiles, Ladies.

If ya got 3rd place instead uv 2nd place in the Milford Foundry Company Picnic Horseshoe Tournament cuz ya ate too many jowl bacon sandwiches and th’ PBR wouldn’t wash it down, ya might be a redneck.

And having let this sink in some more (like the college professor at Milford Community College used to say “Get your Gil activated before you open your mouth”) , Mopman makes some very keen observations. There is really no way that could be Mimi in P2, especially if you go back and look at Mimi in other panels and note that her hair is not at bathroom-towel length like Chance Macy’s piece of cloth the other day when he did an Ozzie flip in the end zone. But I completely understand Jive Turkey’s consternation as we are running ragged from football to volleyball and with Kianna not shown in the display of Milford Solidarity in P1, the 3rd place medal could easily get confused with the 3rd place trophy. That’s what happens when Milford Volleyball are a united front on Bastille Day but Kianna didn’t make it because she was at a car wash. Oh, after she won the medal that day, of course.

And with the plots crossing wires with each other, it reminds me off the sound systems at Woodstock. But at least there they eventually came out of the same speakers. In Thorpiverse, try to imagine Joe Cocker flailing his arms on “With A Little Help From My Friends” and the music blaring out of a 5-and-dime in Warwick, Rhode Island. Yeah, the T-verse Way makes me want to buy tube socks in the Men’s section while my eardrums are being shattered. I pity the patrons at the 5-and-dime snack bar.

Just days ago, we had Beaver talking smack after he himself started his own mini-plot by being an idiot on stage and now we have Mimi convincing us that the key to winning mediocre volleyball tournaments is to tip better at a Starbucks outlet, you’ll get better coffee and raised coxcombs in victory that way, before we are compelled to deal with Kianna’s semi-anger issues. That’s her problem, she should have drunk more Taster’s Choice. And what was Gil doing getting off the bus? Are we starting another plot? I can’t travel in my own car, let alone make football practice because my Lexus needs an overhaul which will take until the end of the football plot. Oh, don’t worry, Coach, T-verse will find a way to mix it in with the rest of the Chili con Shitty Plots. We’ll be farting in technicolor by Thanksgiving, rest assured.

I’M GOIN’ HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M GOIN’ HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M GOIN’ HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH HOMMMMMMMEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dr. Pearl, would you mind turning that down? They can hear you on the second floor.”

“But my RCA Victrola is unplugged.”

Then there’s the, I presume, gymanastics hall in P2. But it reminds of the time that Jay Leno called the mini-theaters at a Cineplex a Communist de-briefing room. The surroundings where Kianna and her tutor, the latter evidently using mulch to regularly grow her hair, are standing certainly match the description.

Are those towels on the seating area/possible heating unit/part-time gymanastics vault/occasional bar counter when it’s Miller time? I ruled out curtains because there’s no way on God’s green earth they could cover the windows being presented. I wouldn’t even say cleaning cloths to use when you’re applying Windex, unless you’re using brocaded curtains for cleaning materials. And don’t even mention tutus. Now who’s going to dump their tutu on the heater to go do WHAT? Order a pizza? They have to strip themselves of their tutu to call Domino’s? Go take a whiz? Somebody’s racing butt-naked to a Port-a-Pot? They had to change clothes? Where were they going? Yeah, they left their tutu on the bar counter to take the subway home. The conductor wouldn’t allow any more people to wear their tutus to work. That included return trips. I could see his point, I reckon. I wouldn’t want my Allstate agent dressed in a tutu. I feel more comfortable when he’s in a suit and tie.

And what is in the corner? Is that a medicine cabinet or a liquor locker? I’m trying but Miss Elongated Pony Tail surely can’t be stashing Jack Daniels or Bud Lite under all the tutus in that compartment. She can drink on her own time. It’s hard for me to imagine her consoling Kianna when she’s downing Jim Beam with a glass of Tropicana as a chaser. Pep talks are really outcof the question when she has Bacardi on her breath. And are those gas cans below the liquor cabinet? When you run out of gas, don’t push your car, get your butt into the gymnastics room, there’s plenty of unleaded or diesel. That’d make sense. We wouldn’t want cars left in the parking garage overnight.

At Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I LOOK LIKE when I get off the bus? The same as I’ve ever looked when I coached the first time. Only with Don Knotts on the baritone and Adam West on the tuba.”

Complete silence

Heard somewhere by the piano

“Think we should play ‘Tea for Two’?”

“Nahhhh, that only works on Carson.”

And what did anybody EXPECT in P3 outside of a pissy-faced visage we are currently encountering? Oh, yeah, Coach Mulched Hair, it’s all about the sportsmanship anyway. Even if I finished 224th at the Vault Competition, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. The other gymnast is simply superior and I’m an insouciant myrmidon in this gym. I’m simply happy to be here and it’s another extracurricular activity in my development of my teenage years and something I can stick on my resume when I interview for assistant manager at McDonald’s. No big deal.

And what’s complicating the picture is all the other plot developments thst are swimming around in the water and never coming to shore. DON’T attempt to fish in this lake. We got blind-sided by Beaver’s inane commentary only to now step into Kianna’s doggy-doo. And is anybody really expecting closure to either one SOON, if at all. This is like getting dragged to a guillotine, only to watch the executioner and the town official talk about the latest ramblings in Milford. Talk about a slow death. Could anyone imagine your head not getting chopped off in a timely manner because all the townspeople are arguing over who’s going to win the Valley Conference in Football this year? There’s a Stay of Execution because the Jay’s Subs driver just pulled up? Thank God Mike Knappe didn’t get his head chopped off for having one too many table knives in his locker. Who’s gonna want to eat Nick’s Pizza Deep Dish Pepperoni when we’re farting around before they FINALLY let the blade drop on Mike’s neck? Talk about the Cubs’ Postseason chances before the execution with a Nick’s Breadstick in your mouth? Do you see my point? I hope?

“And that wraps up this Valley Conference Volleyball Round Robin Tournament. Milford High School.has just received its Best Average Team in the Conference. We’ll be back for final thoughts after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Damn, I’m glad my wife won that Tournament. Raising her arms in triumph means The Revolution won and that all the other volleyball teams will literally go to the chopping block. Price you pay when you compete.

But i am not here to talk about Kianna not heading to the gallows because she was busy earning 1st place on the uneven bars. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and we have a serious problem that makes me want to barf all over my Joel Gott 815 Cabernet digitalized coupon. Some people out there are making a mockery out of our Depend Undergarments promotional. They think they can come in here with their Grandma Moses wig and walk out with Busch Light 30-Pak and a free pair of heavy-duty Fruit of the Looms. Well, Grandma, you may have hocked something to literally help you hold your liquor the first time but if you think you’re going to come in again and we’ll throw in a free bag of Milford Vending Pork Rinds, you’ve been snorting too many gas fumes out of your getaway car.

How dare you put on make-up and try to pass as Grandpa Jones from Hee Haw just so you can purchase Maker’s Mark Whiskey and some Captain Morgan Spiced Rum and throw in a box of Cap’n Crunch just so you get over the $30 limit and get the finest in the undergarment industry!!! Was it worth getting the Depend Flatulation Repellent Senior Adult Undergarments at the expense of some 83-year-old man who missed out on The Good Life, especially the Finlandia Vodka in his flat, and couldn’t get to his water closet without leaving a trail?

But we’re onto you, Mr. Pseudo-Senior Adult. At every cash register there will be Milford Pinkerton Security Personnel who will monitor transactions of liquor and Depends. And you better have your ID’s ready. Anybody trying to purchase Jack Daniel’s #7 Tennessee Whiskey, Menage a Trois Red Cabernet, Michelob Ultra, some Keebler Sandies out of the cookie aisle and Milford Vending Diet Beer Nuts just so he or she can get a free case of Depend Ultra Hold Faberge Scented Undergarnents better have proper papers available. Believe me, we can tell the difference between your appearing as Grandpa from The Munsters and your Pebbles or Bam-Bam photo on your driver’s license. We will nip this urinary tract leakage in the bud. Nice try, Bam-Bam.

And most people won’t show their faces or their crotches for that matter because of all the moisture lingering on either facet of their body. But for those who are going to bring in Pretty Boy Floyd, we have Milford SWAT team on call 24 hours to combat the abuses of the Senior Adult Internal Products Industry. So Dillinger, don’t even think of bringing your machine gun with you just because you failed to fool anybody when getti g carded. The Warehouse is prepared to confront any Al Capone-wannabe who tries to strong-arm his Risata White Moscato del Vino Fresco e Poma Rica Al Dente, Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc, Miller High Life 24-Pak, Milford Dairy Sea Salt Caramel Truffle Ice Cream plus the Depend Constipation Control Organic Processed Undergarments past the cashier. Actions have consequences, Mr. Capone. They’ll also have you accompanied by a SWAT soldier to a paddy wagon. Me, I couldn’t take my grandpa’s Edy’s Ice Cream, His fifth of Jack, and his Hanes by force. But that’s me talking.

Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse today where the booze is fine and the promo items are scrutinzed for our customer’s protection. Send your Grandpa and Grandma to The Warehouse with newfound confidence in the Lyft car and tell them that Coach Thorp sent ya.”

VIVE LE FRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, sorry, Gang, that’s the Milford Volleyball team getting its Sportsmanship Award. I’ll get it right one day. God bless you, Gang, in the interim.

At Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club

“Why is Butterfield Blues Band playing in the men’s room?”

“Dunno. Lemme talk to the manager.”

5 Comments »

  1. A 3rd place finish in some 1-day tournament, and Mimi is holding the trophy and acting like she’s fuckin’ TB-12 holding the Lombardi trophy. Man, that volleyball team must truly suck if her, blond girl, and pig-tails girl are all happy with that finish. They must really miss having thunder-thighs PP playing libero for them if they are that bad. Then Mimi tells Kianna…”smile…you were 3rd all-around”…It would be great if Kiana would say “…you know what, coach? you and your dip-shit hubby might be happy with constant 2nd and 3rd place finishes, but I actually want to be first for once, so fuck you please…I ain’t gonna’ smile until I reach that goal…”

    Comment by franku2016 — October 7, 2021 @ 2:10 pm

  2. Let’s just skip to the part when Kianna decides to dabble in PEDs…

    Comment by hitorque — October 7, 2021 @ 2:49 pm

  3. 2nd aint shit either. But it’s Sunday. Day after. No use pouting about it now. Go get em next time. That’s all you can control now. But I agree. Why is Mimi and some teammates all jacked up over 3rd? And where are they in P2? Is that a friggin balance beam in somebody’s living room. Again, many questions, few answers.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 7, 2021 @ 3:17 pm

  4. P2 and P3 are the day after the volleyball tournament, when Kianna and her coach are at the gymnastics center. Different competition and that’s not Mimi with that long ponytail.

    Comment by MopMan — October 7, 2021 @ 5:13 pm

  5. That makes sense Mopman. I thought that was Mimi which also had me wondering why they are together on a Sunday. We can’t see detail but in P2 that looks like gymnastics coach is holding something around Kiana’s neck that looks like a medal. She doesn’t seem too ashamed of 3rd place if she’s wearing medal proudly. But I could be wrong again.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 7, 2021 @ 6:54 pm


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