This Week in Milford

October 12, 2021

“…’Til I Saw The Quintilateral, In Your Eyyyyeeeess.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:14 pm

It was late one night

I was feeling something wasn’t right

There was not another ‘Lark in sight

Only Gil, only Gil

But we played along

Though we knew the Delaware was wrong

And some Goshen hit me, oh so strong

Lost the ball

Then I gazed up at Gil

And the Lego light was shining still

Cauterized the light

In our eyes

In our eyes

I’m sure you’ve heard me say this before, I am a HUGE Todd Rundgren who was long overdue to enter the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame and I have always loved “I Saw The Light” (not to be confused with the song performed by the great Hank Williams) , off his vintage Something/Anything? record. When I saw that Lego light, the inspiration was all academic.

And we continue with Bobble head Moon who passes for an egregiously bad Charlie Chan stand-in, still continuing to be a lion with no teeth. The Moon we all knew and loved would have been more than a crippled metaphor offered in P1. Like the offense is stagnant and really isn’t scoring the 7 touchdowns by halftime like Gil practically promised but of course failed to fulfill. That the Delaware Wing-T is in serious need of bowel movement and that Gil needs to shit or get off the field, and heck, get off the field whether he’s pooping on the 50-yard line or not, and that this constipated offense needs Tevin AND some Maalox to make it exciting once again and that the only thing coming out of this stadium is pentagons and bad lighting, certainly not points and victories in this game anyway. This 5-sided figure of an offense belongs in a used geometry book in the Milford School Corporation Textbook Warehouse, not with Tevin Clapton, who’s doing his own thing anyway. Yeah, the Delaware River was only useful when General Washington crossed it.

I saw the movie “Honeysuckle Rose” which was panned by critics but I thought gave a good workable Good Bad & Ugly of touring as a Country Music band. Willie Nelson does an admirable job playing Buck Bonham, a struggling but persistent performer and still tries to do justice with his wife, Viv(played by Dyan Cannon) , as a husband. His guitar player (played by the venerable veteran actor, Slim Pickens) retires so the guitar player’s daughter proves to be a more-than-adequate replacement. The problem is, Buck and this girl start to get, shall we say, warmer and warmer with each other, at the risk of Buck’s wife finding out.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp Upset Over Questionable Behavior At Milford Comedy Club!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I would never get kissy-faced with Hadley V., that wasn’t the plan anyway.”

Marty, people who eat Diet Van Camp’s Beans are on low-octane gas. People who pump Dasani Water in their gas nozzle are on low-octane gas. Dr. Pearl when she skips her Shredded Wheat for breakfast is on low-octane gas. If you’re going to be the Queen of England in your broadcasting booth, i.e., spouting farting from lentil soup with nobody listening to you, make the analogies stick. You can start by saying this plot is on no-octane gas. Farting without the smell. Some of the time, for that matter. Now we’re getting somewhere.

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…you show me yours, Hon, and I’llllllll show you mine!!!!!!!!”

“Does Will and Terry know that Gil is singing with Peppermint Patty?”

Though we ran the Wing

We had not a clue to run this thing

We prayed little bells would start to ring

In our heads

In our heads

So I tried to run

Though I knew it wouldn’t help me none

‘Cause we couldn’t pass or stop no one

Or so I said

But our feelings for Gil

Were just something that is buried still

And we caught that light

In our eyes

In our eyes

What is it with all these hyphenated words that are backfiring like Archie’s jalopy???? At least the latter got Archie to Riverdale High School on time. Can we just say IN PLAIN ENGLISH that Goshen has the ball, is playing on its field, and got stopped by the Mudlarks so the game isn’t a barn-stomper, to use T-versespeak. So far, the Delaware Wing-T (this is raging out of control) has been Gil-Thorped and Tevin is having to Barry-Bader the offense so that Milford doesn’t go directly to jail or get Mr.-Bader’d. I mean, I let the low-octane slide because even if it was a poorly-expressed analogy, a real Marty-Mooner-when-his-sex-life-is-on-low-octane-when-Peaches-slam-bam-jams the sheets, it was within the realm of what was transpiring on the gridiron. Thorpiverse is cluster-pooped after spoon-feeding his thesaurus to his dog and now is having to impress the readership with bloated-Jell-o words that sound good but really create hardly any home-field advantage. But I’ve been cluster-pooped before.

And let’s see what would happen if Thorpiverse were to write parts of the Gettysburg Address

Four score and seven dog years ago

Our Fathers brought forth on this home-field,

A new nation conceived in Delaware Wing-T-lacking behavior

And dedicated to the don’t-end-a-sentence-with-a-preposition

That all men are created equal, except for those Gil-Thorped in untimely-fashion.

I think I’ll stick with Lincoln’s version.

“You show me yours now and I’ll show you mine.”

“Gil, not yet!!!!!! Sorry, he’s still learning Old Maid.”

And if we’re not careful, this Carolina Blue Concept will not be confined to football uniforms. I don’t think that Mudlarks will embrace the color scheme on their baseball, table tennis, archery, Major Modified badminton, basketball, donkey basketball, rowing, cross country, outdoor figure skating team uniforms but I’ve been Gil-pooped before.

It still scares me that when Chance and Charlie go through the cafeteria array, they’ll be purchasing Carolina Blue Twinkies and Carolina Blue meat loaf. And to think, I thought The Diner cornered the market on the latter. Or that Dr. Pearl will be getting files out of her Carolina Blue file cabinet and write Due Process forms in triplicate and Carolina Blue. Marty Moon will be sporting a Carolina Blue goatee. Bobby Howry stating “Gil Bites The Big One!!!!!!!!!!” on a Carolina Blue billboard.

Then there’s the hands. I have the Mudlark accounted for, he resembles the paw positions when Lassie wants a Milk Bone. But what happened to the Goshenite’s right hand? We know he has a left hand, that’s not chop-brocaded but his right hand disappeared and MAYBE emerged on the other side, via the carpal tunnels of his left hand. He won’t get first downs that way. Abracadabra, the amazing Gilberto has made your hand disappear inside your helmet. He certainly does magic tricks better than the Delaware Wing-T.

If ya run around on yore wife by sneakin’ round Willie Nelson’s wife but he runs around on his wife by takin’ Mimi ta Mudlark Lake Resort but Gil can’t run around cuz he’s still tryin’ a locate Delaware, ya might be a redneck.

When I was in high school, I had an excellent English teacher named Mr. Wootton. He taught Semantics and the class was a blast. Basically, he taught not to take things at face value. He showed a film and one of the things it talked about was what happened if people were deprived of their senses and placed in a room in solitary confinement, no sight, sound, touch, taste, smell. The results were interesting.

People were seeing all kinds of strange things and hearing strange things, well, because their senses were under wraps. I think one of the things they saw is emanating from that Lego block. Evidently, Thorpiverse has been sensory-deprived, judging by the monsters and ghoulies under and in the night light. It’s bad enough that this plot is reality-deprived but we’d really not care to see tangible evidence of it.

And what else would you expect Clapton to say?

“We gotta stick with the game plan. Coach says sometimes you have to stick with the Delaware Wing-T’s in life if you’re searching for a new house with your fiancee.”

The ball’s in your court, Clapton.

“And that ends the 1st quarter with the score, Goshen, 7, Milford, 0. Coach T. still has something to show me to convince me that this Carolina Blue-T is going to score points. We’ll be back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Life can be difficult when you’re 678 pounds. It’s no fun waiting until everybody gets off the elevator before you can travel solo to your doctor’s appointment. When the Milford City Fire Marshal bans you from taking the escalator at Milford City Mall, it’s time to take action.

Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl, and yes I’m kin to Dr. Pearl, but no, she did not weigh in at the truck scales like I was ordered to do by the Milford Appellate Court. It used to be frustrating when you were the only car pulled over by the Milford DOT for carrying excessive tonnage on the streets and roads.

Thank Heavens, Milford Liposuction Academy was a Godsend. I loved their prep activities. I was to drink eight glasses of water the day before the procedure. They wanted to make sure I was cleared of any excess stoolage. Then I was given sodium bicyclahexanoltertiaryacetiphrine that I had to drink every ten minutes to ensure that my system was clear and easy for the tubes to maneuver while attacking the globular structures in my physiological components. It was a nasty version of Nestle Quik, what happens when you mix that and stewed tomatoes but I only regurgitated once so I patted myself on the back. Oh, and I was required to stop my medications until I was sucked dry but a small price to postpone Bufferin, Hayley’s M-O, and Ridelin to experience liberation from the Body Mass Index demons that were becoming impossible to exorcise.

The procedure could not have been handled better if the Milford Synchronized Swimming Association were on top of this. The IV needle felt like a gentle invasion into my forearm. And when they stuck the local anesthetic up my nose and put me to sleep, I could dream about the load being taken off, Fanny. I wondered where some of the hoses were going and why some were connected with the EKG machine but when I was light as a feather and could race ten times around the Academy parking lot in my Red Ball Jets, it was not for me to wonder why but simply lose or die. And losing’s better than dying. Just ask Coach Thorp.

I am a new person. I am no longer declared a safety hazard on the Golden Gate Bridge. The ban was lifted this week. If you have weight issues and they are issuing problems when you in a pedway, you owe it to yourselves to consult the professional team at Milford Liposuction Academy. Bring your life in harmony by shedding the discord in your gluteus maximus.”

Gang, Eric Clapton is a great guitarist but doubtin’ he can Michael Vick this one. He needs to read the playbook more. But God bless you anyway.

But this sucks the best

This whole playbook is performed in jest

It’s the worst schemes above all the rest

Under the lights

And we’ve run this before

But we won’t run it anymore

Can’t you see bad lights

In Gil’s eyes

In Gil’s eyes…


  1. So is Tevin gonna’ take charge and drop the ball again, rather than give to Mr. D-One-college-offers-up-the-ass to run the clock out? Another sign that Gil don’t know wtf he’s doin.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 12, 2021 @ 2:55 pm

  2. Well they don’t want to run the clock out, they’re losing. My gripe is that the run hasn’t been working, and Chance I’m sure has had plenty of carries but hasn’t done squat. Despite his cliché statement yesterday about only focusing on Goshen, he must have focused on something else this week, thus he is failing.

    And I assume Tevin has kept the ball a few times already, so why now will he be oh so effective just because he made this statement?

    Comment by MopMan — October 12, 2021 @ 3:05 pm

  3. 1. Ugh… Leave it to Martinez L. Luna to fuck up a simple automotive metaphor…

    “High speed offenses”…
    run OUT of gas,
    grind gears,
    can’t fire up the engine,
    have a dead battery/needs a jumpstart,
    can’t get out of first gear,
    are stuck in idle,
    are stuck in neutral,
    are still in park,
    leave the parking brake on,
    break down,
    have their wheels fall off,
    spin their tires,
    bog down in the mud,
    can’t find a highway,
    get stuck in the slow lane,
    hit a speed bump,
    etc., etc…

    …But what they do NOT do is “run on low-octane gas” – That’s what YOU DO, isn’t that right Goatee Boy?? Is your thermos tonight filled with Chivas Regal or Bacardi?

    2. Blow the whistle and stop the clock because I want to take a TIME-OUT here… A little more than 13 months ago, Mudlarks Football erupted into Civil War because a quarterback committed the cardinal sin of overruling Supreme High Ruler Gilberto Tharpe and calling an audible in garbage time… But today I see Tevin Claxton not only has playcalling authority, he’s evidently calling two QB draws or keepers in a row? And if that wasn’t enough, he’s 100% confident that these two plays are going to earn gains of 10+ yards each?? Who in fuck’s name does he think he is, Patrick Mahomes?? Does he think this game against Goshen is like playing Madden ’22 with the cheats turned on?

    3. And yes, Claxton said **I** “am picking up the next two first downs and then **WE’LL** throw it in high gear.” which can only mean he plans to do it all himself.

    4. I guess Mr. All-District/All-Region/All-State stud running back Chance “Red Grange” Macy can just go to the sideline and jam a thumb up his ass because Captain Save-a-hoe has it all covered?

    5. Pardon me, just a pet peeve of mine: Does anybody in the Milfordverse ever wear WHITE unis?

    Comment by hitorque — October 12, 2021 @ 3:06 pm

  4. Rubin gives us no clue on how much time left in quarter, half or game. Or if cock knocker Spiller has missed blocks, held or jumped offsides
    Tevin is gonna get the next 2 first downs.? Who says that? Why not the current first down. Or the next 3? Is Gil sucking down the spiked Gatorade again? What a swinging guy!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 12, 2021 @ 5:14 pm

  5. Yeah mop. My bad. I forgot they were losing. Either way, with a guy like mr. Blowtop, best to give him the fuckin ball. All this after Gil did that alternating QB bullshit last year.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 12, 2021 @ 6:14 pm

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