This Week in Milford

November 4, 2021

Half-Baked Trap.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:28 pm

Whoa, back up, Chance. Ahmad Simpkins pretty well made it clear that you are at least on the radar screen and really, more than on the radar screen and at no time did I feel that Ahmad blew you off. And he did what recruiters need to do if the team they’re recruiting for wants successful teams, BE UP FRONT ON EVERYTHING. You knew where Ahmad stood and again, Chance, you’re putting words in his mouth. Yes, it’s a commitment, a total commitment but “over-devoted” came out of your mouth. If you don’t want to play football, fine, but Ahmad also showed interest in your academic record which good recruiters do. Don’t make him into a recruiter for Shady State U.

And I speak from experience. My nephew could have played college baseball but as he and I found out, you pretty much major in baseball although his college coach was very STRONG on going to class and getting your academic act in order. In the end, my nephew wanted to enjoy college life and I couldn’t blame him. And Chance, you want to do the same thing, I’ll understand. Just understand that Ahmad is just doing his job. Again, you’re the one who broached the subject about the NFL. Ahmad gave you an honest answer. That simple.

That said, the title is based upon a Benson episode called “Half-Court Trap” where his own nephew is super-talented in basketball and is heavily recruited by all the State U.’s and Generic College’s of his own. Benson, however, discovers that his nephew can’t read and write. He pleads with his nephew to get his priorities straight, especially after this butthole recruiter comes in and says his nephew will put Roundball U. on the map. When Benson asks about what kind of education his nephew will receive, the recruiter naturally pulls a Gil on us and answers that it’s like the dirty Mudlark uniforms, they’ll come out in the wash after you’ve put Tide and a little scrub brush on them. Oh, and some Static-Free. God, no wonder why Gil’s hair has been standing for 60 years. Just BS your way in the conversation and if your hair still stands like Pike’s Peak, you’ve outlasted Buzz Sawyer.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Overtures To Chance To Attend USC Met With Cold Rebuffs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chance Leaves Cafeteria!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ain’t no thing. Ricky Bell hid in Luhm’s closet whenever I came to school but McKay still had him on the sidelines.”

And leave it to Thorpiverse to bring the most inappropriate person in Chance’s life with the most asinine procedure. It’s like Benson’s nephew being accosted by Beaver Cleaver and told that the solution to overcoming his inabilty to read and write is to bring Ward’s porn magazines he has stashed under the bed to the nephew to pore through. See Spot hump Dick. See Jane at an orgy. Jane is having fun. Oh, this’ll take care of the nephew’s illiteracy.

And as the readers have mentioned, how DID Beaver find out? It’s hard for me to imagine this phone booth halfway between State U. and Milford where Ahmad would utilize to call Beaver collect to inform him what transpired behind Dr. Pearl’s doors. Or did Gil talk to him in the faculty lounge while Beaver was munching on Tostitos that someone laid out as leftovers from a faculty baby shower? Admittedly, these are new plot ideas to chew through like the stale Milk Bone that got left in the fridge too long for Dino to savor, but in the interim, the mystery information somehow became Beaver’s personal property. Maybe those guys glued to themselves in the background had something to do with this. They were stapled to the conference room door and just couldn’t pull their ears away, literally. And Beaver just happened to be passing by, having conned Ms. Rizk with a hall pass to the bathroom.

“Psst!!!!!!!! Beaver, get a load of this!!!!!!! The recruiter is telling Chance all the girls he’ll have in his dorm!!!!!!!”

“Man, can’t it wait????? I gotta take a major dump!!!!!!!!!!”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Implementing Different Tactics To Induce Chance To A Decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“USC offers Advanced Pottery. Man, I know Milford Community College doesn’t offer that. And he’ll test out of a lot of classes easily.”

And isn’t Beaver’s objet d’art getting on your nerves? Was he going to force Chance to sit in that room where Andy Dufresne slept for nineteen years and use that flashlight North Korea used to brainwash the enemy during the Korean conflict? And does he have other bag of tricks in his medicine bag? A Black & Decker drill to insert in his cerebellum to get him to Flubberize over the rest of the opponents on the schedule? To paraphrase Bruce Hampton in the movie Slingblade, Beaver wants to part the waves of the medulla oblongata. Maybe that’ll help Chance with his speed on end arounds. Give that extra effort on 4th-and-1. Wait, that’s really a Walther PPK and Beaver is James Bond in another version of You Only Live Twice. Ahmad Simpkins was really Mr. Osato and the Oakwood coach is really Ernst Blofeld.

“Only one person carries a flashlight that resembles a Bic Razor.”

“But Mr. Blofeld, Chance is dead. I saw Chet Ballard dump his body behind The Bucket right about when Milford Sanitary Solutions was making the rounds.”

“Rubbish!!!!!!!!!!!! Chance is very much alive.”

“But I gave Helga the strictest orders.”

“You fool, Ahmad, you should have killed Chance when Gil snored off to sleep.”

“Oakwood High School does not tolerate failure. Now go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Helga Brandt and Ahmad Simpkins leave

Blofeld presses his foot on a lever. Helga falls in a vat of Gil’s Brylcreem

“Kill Chance!!!!!! Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And I will croak if that’s a Q-Tip. No Chance, it won’t make you a better running back for State U. but damn, you got more wax in your ears than a bloodhound has tics.

Dr. Pearl walking down the hallway to check on things

“Young man, why is there a flashlight in Chance’s ear?”

“Oh, hey, Dr. Pearl, I’m just motivating him for this Friday’s game. Okay, Chance, repeat after me, ‘Be the football, be the football, be…'”

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Brings Marcus Allen To Milford, Gets Final Clearance At School Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I think I convinced the secretary when I told her that Chance could surpass 2,000 yards by his junior year if I had Allen along to show Chance the ropes.”

I’ll give Chance this. He’s about the only one who recognizes how silly this whole thing is, and that’s just the flashlight. God knows, I’d rather not plunge into the Grand Canyon of silliness. One flashlight at a time. Marcus Allen did not get 2,000 yards because Beaver stuck a flashlight in his ear. People do not go to USC to play football through hypnosis. Chance is a bit confused about his future and understandably trying to sort it out and he doesn’t need someone who spends more time with a flashlight up someone’s butt rather than getting his own butt to practice.

Beaver, why don’t you for once use power of suggestion on yourself? When I snap my finger, I will be at practice, focused and ready. Try that one on for size, Butthead.

And along those lines, Benson has an idea that will drive home the point in a tough-love way. He calls up a friend who had played college basketball but now has a j-o-b as a cable guy. Benson manages to set up a 1-on-1 matchup with his nephew versus the blue-collar-but-competitive-juices-still-flow gentleman. And even if the cable guy has a paunch on him and hasn’t played for a while, he can still ball. And just thrashes his nephew. Later, when the nephew starts talking a little smack about him, Benson coldly responds “He beat you, didn’t he?”

Beaver, other people besides Tevin scored, didn’t they? And if you say that the cable guy won because you stuck a flashlight in his retinas, you deserve to be hollering from the sidelines like you have all year. It’s like some NBA player who once said “If Larry Bird ever wants to take me on 1-on-1, he knows where to find me”. Bird’s response was priceless: “I always know where to find him. At the end of the bench.”

Beaver, in other words, we won’t have trouble locating you when the game is in progress.

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Chastised By Coach Thorp Over Recent Incident!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I know he was irate because it was 3:00AM, but I had to get Chance’s transcript FedEx’d to USC. He didn’t have to use that kind of language.”

Don’t you just hate how Thorpiverse lately has gone the Fame TV show route? Throwing 3-4 plots at us, jerking direction without any notice? We really found Beaver’s spiel intolerable and nauseating and Chance certainly wasn’t helping with his semi-arrogant attitude. But then we are plopped on the volleyball court where Kianna is subjected to Mimi’s “Win the volleyball match for The Gipper” speech. The difference is Fame pulled it off with great acting and screenwriting. But at Thorpiverse, the script writers must have gotten their bell rung with a kill from one of Mimi’s volleyballs. The script is yours, Thorpiverse, go ahead and take it. Don’t use it for Kleenex.

We’ve been wallowing in the slop, hawg-rasslin’ with Chance and Beaver, which is why Ahmad wisely pulled away. He didn’t want to waste time with two Bozos that have forced someone to call Milford Towing to drag these storylines out of the swamp, much less subsequently coerced to trail along Mimi and Kianna’s Excellent Adventure. Yeah, I’d like to send this on another planet. At least Ahmad got to go home.

” And we’ll be back to see if Chance signs with USC, State U., or Milford Community College here in Milford High’s gym. We’re still anticipating the moment because someone had to fetch a pen from Gil’s office. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Don’t they know my door was unlocked? I had a whole box of Bic Ball Points in the drawer. That’ll be the last time I ever take a potty break during the signing ceremony.

But I didn’t come on the air to bitch about Chance having to sign a National Letter-of-Intent with a Magic Marker. Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and even though it has been 27 years since the death of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, many publications still insist on printing news about her. Shoot, the National Toilet wouldn’t even think publishing Bozo the Clown’s extramarital affairs after he died. But Bozo is 10,000 leagues apart from Jacqueline’s image.

That’s why The Warehouse is more than excited about its new promotional campaign, Keep Jacqueline Alive. And you can help in that endeavor and all you have to do is go through the line to pay for your booze. From now until the end of November, when you purchase your favorite liquer or liqueur as Jacqueline would pronounce it, you’ll get a Commemorative Milford Enquirer Article of the great Mrs. Onassis.

You heard right, for every bottle of Jack Daniels Supreme Wood-Fired Whiskey at a ridiculous $24.99, The Warehouse will cheerfully endow you with an article that’ll look great on the wall next to the deer mount. And you can pick from the time Milford Enquirer did a piece on her and Rose Kennedy skinny-dipping at Cape Cod at midnight or what year Mrs. Onassis received her braces as a kid. I’m kinda curious myself what dentist performed the procedure while I’m slurpin’ down some Jack.

And I know there are people out tbere that not only want their Bud and drink it too but want information about Mrs. Onassis known only to a few. We got ya covered. Go through the checkout lane with your 24-Pack of Bud Lite for $28.64, impulse-buy a couple of Kit Kats and a Popular Science magazine you’ll stick in the magazine rack in the bathroom later on, and once the final sale comes to pass, you’ll receive a Milford Enquirer article about the time her peers could smell the Creme de Menthe on her breath on a fox hunt somewhere outside of Hyannisport, Massachusetts. Witnesses say she fell off her horse five times and slowed down the chase. They had to settle for some chipmunk scurrying down an elm tree to get dinner. You can use your imagination on that one while your washing down some Ritz Crackers with your Bud. Me, I would have gone to the McDonald’s in Hyannisport.

And there are those out there who want their wine and cheese and plenty of Onassis fodder to burn through. Don’t hide behind the National Toilet rack, you know who you are. And with a purchase of Sauvignon Eau Blanche avec Pommes Fraises et Froides dans l’Annee 1867, you will receive a National Enquirer Special Edition 24-page series of articles concerning Mrs. Onassis’ attempts to preserve White House historical objects. And you wine-and-cheesers, it’s your articles, reach out and grab them, just don’t spill the wine. Otherwise, how could you savor Mrs. Onassis sending Theodore Roosevelt’s jock strap or Calvin Coolidge’s rough draft of a term paper he wrote about feasibility studies on Route 66, particularly through Oklahoma to the Smithsonian Institute where it rightfully belongs. Boy, I’ll bet even money that’s a page-turner. Herbert Hoover painting Whistler’s Mother from memory will keep you wine-and-cheesers mesmerized for hours. Shoot, if the Milford Enquirer prints it, then I believe it.

And there’s plenty more dope where that came from. In fact, with a Cheetos bag in regular or flame-throwing corn curls thrown in the shopping cart, The Warehouse will give you on the house an autographed Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis pen. Oh man, this is a collector’s item. Sure could have used one of those at Chance’s signing.

It’s pretty acadenic. Come in for more and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

It’s your site, Gang. Get out and grab it. Who says you can’t have it all? Mimi didn’t, we know that. God bless you, Gang.

“That Tevin is a pud. He doesn’t know a football from a bowling ball.”

“He beat you at Madden ’21, didn’t he?”

9 Comments »

  1. Well, even though CM is sayin’ that Big State U. wasn’t interested, my question is, where the fuck did BS hear it from? There were only three people in that room at the time so does that mean Gil told some blabber-mouth like Kaz or Mimi and that they spread the word around the school? And Spiller sure produced that silly goddam flashlight fast. I think it’s time for someone to violently shove it right up hi ass. Maybe CM could get all blowtop and shit and do just that.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 4, 2021 @ 2:30 pm

  2. 1. I really want to know how that conversation goes at home…

    “Hey grandma and granddad! This big-time recruiter over at State Polytechnic wanted me to play football for him, and I told him to go piss up a rope!! Being on TV every Saturday? Free college education? More girlies chasing after me than an Axe Body Spray commercial? And a little extra ‘Name/Image/Likeness’ cash to boot? LOLOLOLOL WHO WANTS TO PUT UP WITH THAT SHIT?! I’m headed over to Boyd’s house to play some Madden ’22… I’m up to #7 on the school’s competitive ladder!”

    2. AND MEANWHILE, BACK IN GILBERTO’S OFFICE… Ahmad Simpkins be all like: “What the fuck with that shit, Gilberto?! You tell me you’ve got a sweet, can’t-miss, overlooked, underrated RB prospect here; so I make the two-hour drive and all the way I’m going over my best recruiting pitch, and this little dickhead snotnose wants to give me the high hat and cutoff the meeting after 5 minutes like I’m some maricon who just come over on the boat… What’s the fucking punchline here, Gilberto? You think wasting my time and the program’s time is a million laughs? I could have been visiting a dozen four-star and five-star kids today who actually WANT to play for us!! I’m going back to campus and I’m going to tell the ol’ Head Ball Coach that we need to seriously re-think our relationship with Milford High. It’s already been a few years since you last delivered anybody decent to us, and now you want to pull this shit? Don’t call us, we’ll call you, asshole…!!”

    Comment by hitorque — November 4, 2021 @ 2:40 pm

  3. 3. And I have zero doubt that Gilberto “accidentally” let news of Chance the Gardner’s meeting slip to one of the players he knew would blabber it all over school… He’s probably wishing he remembered to invite Heather Cronkite so she could listen in as well…

    Comment by hitorque — November 4, 2021 @ 2:44 pm

  4. Yeah hitorque. Chance is a bigger bitch than PP ever was, if that’s even possible

    Comment by franku2016 — November 4, 2021 @ 4:04 pm

  5. Who is this freak #11 with the 2 elbows? All we know fer shur is that it isn’t Kianna, who is 1)Black, 2)short & 3) has 1 elbow per arm.

    Comment by Downpuppy — November 4, 2021 @ 4:49 pm

  6. “Kianna! That ball’s yours. It’s always been yours!”

    Why am I thinking Kianna’s response will be:

    “If that’s the case, I’m taking MY ball and going home.”

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 4, 2021 @ 5:30 pm

  7. I don’t know about everyone else, but that perverted, possibly homophonic comment that Boyd opened today’s strip with was quite startling.

    Comment by MopMan — November 4, 2021 @ 6:04 pm

  8. It seems to me that Chance is lying about what happened so people don’t think he’s a dipwad. I mean he is, but doesn’t want people to know. Chance turned him down, not the other way around, then he makes it sound like the recruiter didn’t like him.

    Comment by MopMan — November 4, 2021 @ 6:05 pm

  9. […] away fan mail from recruiters, who had the State U running backs coach show up in person only to blow him off? He couldn’t suck it up and put the offense on his shoulders? And what’s with your […]

    Pingback by What the Hell, Milford? | This Week in Milford — November 24, 2021 @ 12:11 pm


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