This Week in Milford

November 16, 2021

We Won’t Have Any Food Fights That Way, Karl.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:59 pm

I bet everybody in TWIM is asking the $64,000 question, if Tevin has been seeing a sports shrink for several months, what was he doing wasting his time with a punk kid whose playing time matched his GPA? And then to add insult to injury, Howdy Doody showed up in a display of Solidarity. That’s comforting to know that a two-bit puppet will be there when I have to cross the Rubicon. When I have to go to the bargaining table with the rest of the union team to negotiate better wages and health benefits with management. That’s right, Howdy, way to be a horse’s ass when you’re negotiating for increased time for lunch break.

The plot has arrived at Death Valley in terms of really being taken seriously at all. What is the purpose of standing on a cafeteria table to call certain individuals on the carpet? Let the jackass go back to his pen, you don’t need to be with Socrates at the Agora and lay out a thesis on the jackass’ modus operandi, especially when his clientele is shrinking. As Mark Twain once said, never argue with Gil, people might not know the difference.

And why is he on a pedastal talking about his sessions with his shrink? Is anybody really interested? I know when I was in school we had people occasionally standing on a chair and waving a Bible and preaching to the world, or the cafeteria anyway. Many laughed, some took it to heart, but as long as they weren’t disruptive, the stage was theirs. But never did people get on a table and talk about what went on with their orthodontist the last few months. See, see, look how he straightened my teeth, I no longer have a Natalie Schaefer dental layout. Yeah, makes me want to interrupt my Jell-o Pudding Pop Moment. Lookee here, observe what the surgeon at Milford General did with my shoulder separation. He took my scapula and had it welded to my trapezius and pulled out my collarbone and fed it to his dogs and inserted a Fram timing chain belt. Here, I’ll take off my shirt and show you Door #3 where Carol Merrill is standing, just by my humerous bone that was originally intended to be grafted on my shoulder ball joint but the doctor melded a Hot Wheels track and I can move my shoulder and still race cars around the track. Hope you’re done with lunch.

Oh, wanna see where the doctor applied the ointment for my chronic jock itch? 8 months of misery, let me tell you.

The Doonesbury comic recently had a McDonald’s-like restaurant calling Zonker Harris to return to work for them. The hitch is that he was fired from them for attempting to unionize the restaurant. Unfazed by his past activities, they offer a ridiculous package that gets more ridiculous at the slightest hesitation. Zonker is not surprisingly overwhelmed

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Willing To Recall Portions Of Labor That Endeavored To Organize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We agreed at the board meeting that they have learned their lesson and will not distribute pamphlets at the drive-in area, especially after school when the teeny boppers pull up.”

Those of you who remember the rip-roaringly funny movie “Fletch” (Chevy Chase’s favorite role) will recall that he is investigating a man, Stanwyk in the movie, who wants Fletch to put him out of his misery since he purportedly has terminal cancer. It gets uglier under the hood as Stanwyk and the Los Angeles Police Chief, Karlin (played by Joe Don Baker-“Walking Tall”) are involved in bribery and Stanwyk’s death would hide the fact that he is living large in Rio. Fletch finds himself in the middle of scorching hot water and it gets hotter when Karlin sends his goons from the LAPD after Fletch to dump him in the nearest river. Fletch arrives at this Veteran’s Convention where the goons are trying to corral him. Fletch, essentially in a Chevy Chase stand-up comedy act at this convention, manages to stave off the goons by taking the stand away from the emcee and goes through a BS spiel about the police to the point where he exhorts the audience to hug or shake the hand of a cop. The audience, thinking Fletch is part of the team honoring the designated Veteran, does just that which slows up the goons and enables Fletch to escape.

And that’s exactly what I’m thinking when Tevin is standing on his soap box. Oh, admittedly Beaver is only one goon but he might as well be several goons the way he’s not singing the praises of Youtube nor the campy ramifications thereof. And after Kianna bought into it, she best be careful if she doesn’t want to get deluged by a billion student handshakes.

“Yes, Beaver has been afflicted recently with a rare case of gonorrhea but that should be no less reason to hug him and show him how much you appreciate his being a blathering blow-hard. Oh, and there’s Coach Thorp, he just entered the cafeteria. I agree, that exchange of 100’s with Dr. Pearl out in the faculty parking lot was a tad dubious but he deserves a hug especially since his wife ran off to Rio with Stanwyk. And not just chest-tapper, I mean short of a dog hunching a fire hydrant. C’mon, he deserves your respect and so does Kianna after she went through ten rings of fire after Butthead convinced her she could rise to the occasion. Let them know Milford High Schiol appreciates and deserve a free Twinkie with their school lunch.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Stock Options Another Perk At The Bucket To Attract Top Talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They’ll get their profit-aharing check after the Sysco driver leaves.”

And okay, Kianna is put out because Butthead unsurprisingly failed to deliver on the goods and Tevin appears to be a wee bit agitated but there’s no need to turn this into a ’68 Cal-Berkeley The-Milford-Fascist-Pigs-Will-Fall-Prey-To-The-Hippie-Movement speech. Is that Tommie Smith III executing the fist pump in P2? And you old-timers remember when Smith was stripped of his Olympic Medal for the defiant fist-pumping gesture. But is this student going to get suspended for perpetrating the same? He’s pumping his fist to egg on Tevin to keep rambling about the times on the couch with his shrink? Is he going to pump his fist whenever Gil yells at the team “I know you pansies can beat Oakwood!!!!!!!!!!” The Hippie Movement arose because Oakwood beat Milford on a last-second sack and Gil never forgot???? Viva la Revolucion.

And the next thing you know, the students will burn all the cafeteria tables, except of course the one Tevin Guevara is stumping on, and press for serious changes. Like get Butthead out of the cafeteria and send him to Valley Alternative where he can perform his quack medicine on delinquent straight A students. Harry Edwards, a man I deeply respect for his stances on several racial issues, was a professor in Sociology at Cal-Berkeley (wanted students to call him “Harry” instead of “Dr. Edwards”) for years. One day, as he’s walking the quad to class, he hears some students yell “Right on, Harry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He turns around and yells HAVE YOU REGISTERED TO VOTE???? And that’s what I wonder when Tevin is this pseudo-radical, DON’T THESE KIDS HAVE A CLASS BESIDES BEING REGISTERED TO VOTE???? True, Tevin is in rare form but it’s like Patrick Henry thunderously resounding GIVE ME RELIEF FROM THIS PLOT OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should have several fist-pumpers in the cafeteria for that outburst.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Fined An Undisclosed Amount After Committing Violation In Milford Elementary School Zone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Preliminary reports indicate she was playing The Who’s ‘Don’t Let Go The Coat’ slightly louder than normal.”

And I’ll go along with the fist pump, reluctantly, but what’s the deal with the index finger pointed in such a manner? Whatsamatter, buddy, ain’t you heard of this clown, he’s #1 in this room? Sheesh. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the demonstration on how NOT to stage a rally. Not after you’ve finished what’s on your tray and are harboring school-grown cheeseburgers in your stomach and then you proceed to listen to someone divulge their medical history in 25 words or less. And it’s pretty sad when this Berkely Uprising is fomented by Howdy who appears to be receiving hot flashes every time Tevin discusses his checking in at the psychiatrist’s office. The plot lost a lot of credibilty when Butthead tried to be a hypnotist because he failed at being a football player. Does the trend have to continue because an amateur counterrevolutionary mixes his times sitting on the john reading a People magazine with all the heads he chopped off at Bastille? Thorpiverse, doo doo or get off the pot.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Concedes Improved Pension Plan At The 11th Hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We felt in the end nobody should be sent to the Milford Nursing Home after years of service as a sockhop.”

Then besides Howdy, Karl and Kaz decide to survey the scene. And Kaz, I don’t know what ball game you’re watching but aside from this being the only revolutionary rally being a major snoozefest, The Shot Heard Around Gil’s Office, everybody’s really been wondering where you’ve been. Shoot, you’ve been pretty much AWOL even at football games. They let you back on base? Did you sneak in the back of Fort Campbell, Kentucky or hide in the Sysco semi when the driver was unloading at the Burger King by headquarters?

And who’s Karl? Thorpiverse ran dry of believable characters so you called your brother to fill in? And he’s going to give anybody the hickory switch who pumps his or her fist? Put them on 3-day suspension for jerking his or her finger in the air? Well, first-day cafeteria monitor duty will affect a person’s judgment. Just think twice before you send them to the salt mines for taking extra packets of ketchup. They are free of charge.


  1. C’mon, now Whigham is just playing with us. Alfred E. Neuman is a student at Milford?

    At least he didn’t include the janitor from “Cracked”. Oh, wait a minute, Steve Luhm…..?

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 16, 2021 @ 2:07 pm

  2. And all of a sudden, Kaz shows up, like he’s known about this bullshit all along but sat back and let it fester like an open sore by letting dick-wad Spiller fuck with the starting QB all season…what a tool. I guess he still knows more about what’s going on than Gil does though.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 16, 2021 @ 2:20 pm

  3. Kaz needs a fight to start before he feels the need to break things up. I’m not generally opposed… but there is no way this gets interesting.

    Comment by billytheskink — November 16, 2021 @ 2:35 pm

  4. Rubin takes 3 months to tell us Tevin is seeing a psychologist. No thought bubble from Tevin that says,”I’m humoring this cock knocker. Im seeing a sports psychologist. I don’t need no stick in’ hypnosis!”
    Karl, the janitor from Breakfast Club, is now a cafeteria brownie hound at Milford?! The custodial arts has treated him well!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 16, 2021 @ 5:03 pm

  5. Hey, I may be cracked, but I’m not from Cracked!

    Comment by MopMan — November 16, 2021 @ 6:52 pm

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