This Week in Milford

November 18, 2021

Lost In This Masquerade.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:39 pm

Are we really happy here

With this pointless game we play?

Looking for words to say

Searching but not finding any closure anywhere

We’re caught in this masquerade.

So Boyd Spiller is a fraud and Tevin has been seeing Dr. Bob Hartley and Kianna ran off with the spoon and had to be confined to crutches as a result. That’s what happens when you go big with the spoon, you go home with the cow after the cow jumped over the moon and not you, Kianna. But we all could have said that about Butthead, why did some teenage fool need to stand atop a cafeteria table and recite the Treaty of Versailles? And Kianna, you walked into that one, you might as well blame Carter Joe for why you fell funny off the beam. That makes sense, if you hadn’t bet on #17 dog leg left, you wouldn’t have busted your patella while completing the somersault. Put your humerus bone on the line next time.

And this how is how problems get solved, you simply pass the buck when you have nobody but yourself to blame. Tevin, even if you’re playing along, it still really wasn’t solving the problem. I could be playing along with John Dillinger at the heist at Milford Federal but if I don’t call the police, I’m an accomplice. Gee, we know Gil isn’t always on call but that’s the man to talk to when a player is spending more time on YouTube than at practice. Let Coach Thorp deadbeat it from there. It’s a heckuva lot better than being Oral Roberts on the condiments table.

And where’s Heather Burns been? At Marjie’s retirement party? That must be quite a celebration at Mudlark Lake Resorts? Did it turn into a bacchanalian orgy? She was still the sniveling snot after she nailed Carter Joe and then turned on Coach Thorp. But she has disappeared, not that my heart is torn in two over the issue but Heather was made for comical situations where Kaz and Karl are sitting on their duffs and letting this Hamlet soliloquy be an unintentional teaser for the school play. And showing up when you least expect her just makes it worse. Toothaches are Hell and even more so when you’re chewing down on a Bucket Burger and a molar begins to flare up. Difference is, I can always call Milford Dental 24/7 and get directions to the emergency room.

Today Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Given Severe Citation, Cochran Convinces Judge Ito To Avert Jail Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Police spokesperson: ‘We commisserate with Mr. Simpson’s plea for no cutbacks in the Flag Football League budget; however standing on a picnic table and interrupting a family reunion at a city park necessitated the police intervention.”

And whenever someone like Tevin points to the noggin, you KNOW we’re due an urgent message to seek professional help for mental health problems. I have no problem with that and I’ll say it again in all seriousness, if you have problems that are overwhelming you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek professional attention. Never go it alone.

That said, the way Tevin is going about it, you’d think Boyd got caught committing adultery with Gil’s wife. Yes, what BS did was ludicrous and stupid but not worth a stone-throwing session.

“Yes, I saw Boyd go behind the elm tree at the practice field with Mimi and I could hear a whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on. No wonder why he’d skip practice on Wednesday. But this is typical, he was constantly banging his 3rd grade math teacher and 4th grade language arts teacher at Milford Elementary and has had a long infamous career as a pervert-in-good-standing. He took a hiatus from his indiscriminate sexual escapades to catch the latest on YouTube. When he saw that he could put Mimi to sleep and commit adultery with no resistance, he tried it on the general populace like myself. I humored him because I had my trig homework caught up. And I had him convinced that I accomplished the Miracle at the Meadowlands because of his hynotic effects. I also sold him some property just outside Milford. The real estate agent should have the deed to the property mailed to his homeroom sometime by this week.”

Don’t worry, I’ll keep you abreast when the mail carrier gets to Boyd’s homeroom.

If ya stand on a picnic table somewhere at a rest area and protest that there ain’t enough deer blinds fer the huntin’ man ta shoot at said target, ya might be a redneck.

Gang, I’m sure we have all seen paintings and pictures of the crucifixion of Jesus, yet I bet we have yet to see any Ecce Homo concepts that included a smile on Our Lord’s face. But that’s exactly what’s transpiring in P2 as Butthead is getting his butt waxed and BS appears to be enjoyng every second of it. Yeah, like in Heartbreak Ridge where Gunnery Sergeant Highway lands in jail and is reduced to churning out war stories, as this antagonist finally tells Highway, if you’re going to pop the Pepsi can, you don’t have to grease Butthead so hard with the salad dressing or your stories, Tevin. The problem is, by the looks of things, Butthead isn’t shying away from the Pepsi can getting popped and watching it fizz at that. Yeah, once it’s popped, isn’t it wonderful to watch it getting spilled all over the table? Next time, I’ll get a DUI and tell war stories at my bunk after Highway is able to post bail. There are plenty of Buttheads who get in trouble for TP’ing the neighbor’s tree and wind up in the hoosegow where I can bend an ear.

And maybe Butthead is a bit sheepish which could explain the smile. But then again, he had been flouting this philosophy full steam ahead and had warded off any threats to his throne. Why start flashing them pearly whites now when the Roman guards are driving in the nails?

Both afraid to say “Get the f— out of my face”

We’ve been truckin’ nowhere from the start

We tried to shove it through but the plot got in the way

We’re lost inside this football game we play

And to show there’s no hard feelings, Butthead, I called Jay’s Subs and I ordered five 6-foot long sandwiches. I sent the cafeteria ladies home. Man, getting on my soapbox and saying absolutely nothing of interest really worked up an appetite. See, many guys like you judging by the affectionate hand situated on your shoulder. Ain’t mine, I’m black, remember? Anyway, we could have hung you by the tree in the courtyard and nobody would have said a word because you are a deadbeat with no future in life, let alone football. But nobody orders sub sandwiches at a lynching and I have this sudden craving for meatball subs. I special-ordered one of the subs, BTW. I know Karl has gastronomic disorders and gets the runs every time he eats a Jay’s Veggie Sub so I told the driver to stick a couple of tablets of Pepto-Bismol in the 6-foot Veggie Sub pouch. We can’t have eating irregularities and hemorrhoids while we are seeking rapprochement, can we now?

Oh, and I told the order taker to add some mints. Dude, I don’t feel like smelling your provolone cheese breath in driver’s ed.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Principal Exonerated Of Indecent Exposure Charges In Milford Circuit Court!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources allege accusations stemmed from Dr. Pearl aerobicizing to George Benson’s ‘On Broadway’ in girl’s gym.”

P3 is undoubtedly unlimited comedy material. What the Jay’s Footlongs in Hades does “locked in my blocks” mean? And coming from Lumpy Lunkhead, Lumpy Rutherford’s cousin no less. He’s like the Bugs Bunny cartoon where Stupid Animated Creature (because I can’t remember the animal) is chasing Bugs but gets sidetracked by Bugs who is utilizing Butthead’s hypnotic methodology (just work with me here) . The Stupid Animated Creature, after Bugs has long escaped to his rabbit hole, finally deduces that an animal with a bushy tail and choppy teeth and eats carrots is a rabbit. If it plays golf like Gil and combs his fluff like Gil and runs off to Palm Springs rather than coach the team like Gil, it must be Gil.

This just makes my day, some clueless schmuck who throws caution to the wind with inept phraseology and really wouldn’t have any more idea about what he’s saying than Yogi Bear when he and Boo-Boo and the park ranger have had one too many at Jellystone Lounge is rounding out this effete plotline after Stephen Douglas got on a cafeteria table to debate the Kansas-Nebraska Act. Thank God that Gordon (correct me if I’m wrong) the Killjoy is there with the perfect squelcher before the idiotic non-sequiturs started pervading like roaches every which way. I knew I could count on Gordon to restore order before Dr. Pearl had to call the Milford National Guard Armory.

“We’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of the Perry Mason episode “The Case of the Grandiloquent Hypnosis Fraud Schemata” after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Folks, if there’s one thing you can count on when getting to the bottom of the schemata of the outline designed to address the issues henceforth pertaining to uncovering the bare necessities and all that jazz discovered in a pot of gold is that Perry Mason will do more than I will do to expose a sham. And that’s a fact.

But I didn’t learn Forensics when I was in the Marine Corps so I’ll leave the detective work to Mr. Mason. He did more to lay Boyd’s ass on the line than I did and I have exciting news to tell you that’ll send Encyclopedia Brown to the bench.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Black Friday creates a lot of stress and people want the best deals and want them NOW. We at Gil Thorp Prime Sausage understand. When Mimi had to use a shotgun last year at Target to clear the Lay’s Potato Chip aisle, you can guess things got crazy. Our sausage products were not excluded from this feeding frenzy. At Milford IGA, sausage products were hand grenades and customers were Hell bent for leather to get that Tennessee Pride out of the store in one piece so they could start Christmas cuisine early.

But we are one step ahead of Tennessee Pride, as we always are, and devised a better plan. Since Tennesse Pride couldn’t run with the big dogs or the turkeys, they kept their skinny neck on the tree stump to get lopped off. But we still hung our necks out, proud as a peacock. And from now until December 23, we will send an extra truckload of Gil’s Finest to all the stores to accommodate the overwhelming demand for Pure Pork Sausage around the Holiday table. It will no longer be necessary to utilize a police escort to obtain Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Xtra Nasty to go along with your egg nog.

Won’t it be nice to stand in line at 3:00AM, knowing when the Milford Wal-Mart opens its doors at 7:00AM that the finest cuts of hogs this side of the Mississippi will be available in the meat department and that tasing a customer to purchase Gil Thorp Vintage Sage is merely overkill? That you can put away that nerve gas that Catwoman used on Batman when you get to the checkout lane with your Gil Thorp Italian Sausage Reduced Carbs at Dollar General Grocery? Stuffing the stocking with Gil’s Choicest never got easier. Shoot, don’t get me started on that Uzi someone had in the child’s seat last year when they carted 8 packages of Gil Thorp Medium Roasted Sausage out of Milford Winn-Dixie. I know some people want to stuff the turkey with croutons and Gil’s but let’s have everybody at the Christmas tree to open their presents.

And how did we manage to finance an extra Freightliner backing in at the dock and keep Minimum Wage from becoming in name only? Yeah, ol’ Tennessee Pride tried to underwrite a massive campaign of sausage distribution with a cavalry of semi’s by conning the drivers into stock ownership plans that Tennessee Pride said would pay great dividends once the profit-sharing checks got in the Brink’s truck. Tennessee Pride didn’t tell them that sausage futures wouldn’t be taken into account until after New Year’s Day. Goodness, nobody stuffs turkey with sausage on Valentine’s Day. Neither do they stuff the stocking with Mild ‘n’ Spicy on President’s Day. And who gets married on January 14th? What a lowdown trick.

Rest assured our profit-sharing plan takes into account all the sales from now until the end of the year. Our CPA’s have affadavits confirming my pledge. Our drivers will have a very hefty Yuletide largesse and you’ll be assured of getting the finest from Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, on time, every time.

The Holidays just got tastier and Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage has a lot to do with that. Come getcha a package today and see for yourself. And you won’t even have to call out the cavalry this year.”

Don’t get too close, Gang, I’m still locked in my blocks. I may have to go to the emergency room. I’ll call you from there. And God bless you, Gang.

At the Milford IGA on Black Friday

“Go ahead. Make my day.”

” Coach, there’s plenty of Snickers on the shelves.”

Thoughts of hoping disappear

Every time I read this plot

No matter how hard I try

To understand the reasons that Gil carries on this way

We’re lost in a masquerade

5 Comments »

  1. 1. Damn, this was a REALLY elaborate and overdrawn setup just so Tevin could have his “ABC Afterschool Special”-soapbox moment (or “Strangers With Candy”-soapbox moment if you prefer)… Even though the moral to Tevin’s story is “If you’re having mental or emotional problems go see a professional,” I feel I still have to remind everyone that none of this would have prevented Kianna’s situation.

    2. What does it say about a coach’s ability when a struggling offensive lineman is willing to try hypnosis to help remember his blocking assignment instead of, you know, going to his coach (or god forbid a teammate) for assistance? What does it say about Boyd Spiller that he instantly jumped at the chance to break out his penlight and coin-in-a-string instead of showing Tommy how to do it right??

    3. I don’t get it… Because now Boyd Spiller’s constant needling and the very public he’s-just-joking-but-he-damn-sure-doesn’t-sound-like-he’s-joking putdowns of Tevin in calling him a momma’s boy, a choke artist and a Jay Cutler-esque turnover machine seem all the more inexplicable in retrospect… Whatever happened to raising your teammate up? I might understand it a bit if Tevin was throwing his weight around the locker room or the hallways with a Tom Brady-sized ego; but we saw no signs of this… Come to think of it, are they even really friends? I’ve never seen them hang out together, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard Boyd compliment or congratulate Tevin on anything all season… Last season, was Boyd talking any of his loud shit when Milford was struggling with a three-headed monster of very average QBs on the roster? Because if he wasn’t, why start now?

    Comment by hitorque — November 18, 2021 @ 3:51 pm

  2. First, the library board, now this. Can’t wait to see what kind of nonsense gets drummed up for the next story…sigh…

    Comment by franku2016 — November 18, 2021 @ 4:41 pm

  3. Tommy looks about 45 years old. Is that what hypnosis did for him?! Another nominee for team jackass.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 18, 2021 @ 5:42 pm

  4. JT…and …”… no Tommy…. You fuckin suck..”

    Comment by franku2016 — November 18, 2021 @ 6:46 pm

  5. P 2.5: “… and if you ever call me a choker again, I’ll kick your fuckin teeth in…”

    Comment by franku2016 — November 19, 2021 @ 8:15 pm


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